Surely you have ever seen parents literally forcing their child to tell a poem in an unfamiliar company or sing a song to Santa Claus on New Year's party. And, of course, you could not help but pay attention to the child himself - downtrodden, with frightened eyes, trying to quickly hide behind someone's broad back. Or maybe you yourself make such mistakes in relation to your baby? Yes, yes, wishing, you make a gross mistake, expressed in a sharp treatment of someone who, on the contrary, needs affection, understanding and care.

According to scientists, about 42% of children from 3 to 7 years old are shy. How to liberate a child without dealing a blow to his unformed child's psyche?

Often shyness is manifested when the parents of such a child host guests or go to visit with their child. At the sight of an abundance of unfamiliar or unfamiliar people, the baby develops insecurity, embarrassment, a desire to simply evaporate or disappear somewhere. He does not answer the questions of adults, clings to his mother or simply sits in the corner.

The most vividly shy child shows himself in kindergarten, when he is afraid to approach a group of peers, join the game, ask for a toy. Classes and holidays in kindergarten become hard labor for such children - because he has to sing, dance, perform, somehow show himself. That is, to do what he is afraid of. After all, shy children are always afraid to do something wrong, to seem stupid or funny, to ask for something. Usually they have a slurred voice, facial expressions, movements are affected and nervous.

It is wrong to assume that a shy child does not want to communicate. On the contrary, he really wants it - and that is why he is very tense and afraid to do something wrong, so that he will not be denied this communication. Shy children are friendly to others, but they don’t make contact, they answer in monosyllables, so they may seem like arrogant “beeches”. All this is a consequence of self-doubt and very low self-esteem.

The fact is that all shy children notice their shortcomings very sharply, and often invent imaginary complexes for themselves. And they, on the contrary, do not notice their merits or do not attach much importance to them. As a result of all this, such children, of course, are sensitive to any criticism, avoid all kinds of contacts, considering themselves worse than others. It is difficult for such children to make various kinds of decisions, they are lack of initiative and cannot protect themselves.

If shyness is not overcome, then it will result in huge problems in life and complexes, which will be aggravated by the feeling of unrealized opportunities, because they noticed not him, but the one who is more active.

Reasons for shyness

It has long been proven that shyness has nothing to do with the mental or intellectual abilities of the child. And in general, shy people are not born, but become. How? Now we will list the factors that form shyness in a preschool child.

1. Tight family control

If a child in a family is an object of constant control, usually a downtrodden, helpless “quiet child” grows out of him. If any manifestation of his activity and curiosity is curtailed by the phrases: “Do not touch”, “Do not go there”, “Do not do this”, “Sit still” - then, of course, all the rudiments of independence in him are rapidly melting away. The same category also includes children from families where parents, in fact, do not care about their child, and the only thing that is required of him is to sit quietly and not disturb the parents.

In such a situation, it is necessary to pacify your “commander inclinations” and begin to follow the principle: “If you can’t, but really want to, then you can!” Does the child want to draw on the wallpaper? Let him draw, but not on pasted ones, but on an old roll. Does the child want to run through the puddles? Let him put on and - and go! Think for yourself: if you demand ideal obedience from a child, how can you then blame him for lack of initiative, shyness and timidity?

2. Heredity

If parents are uncommunicative, and it is customary in the family to “be afraid of people” and strive to protect themselves and the baby from all the world's troubles, it is not surprising that the child will grow up to be just as closed. In addition, such parents tend to blame the whole world for being unkind to their child. Of course, in the end, the baby will be afraid of everyone and everything! After all, when in the winter everyone goes on New Year's performances or ride downhill - he sits at home, because "in winter in crowded places you can pick up terrible viruses, and riding downhill you can break your neck." When everyone rides bicycles and climbs trees in the summer, he quietly walks along the side of the road, “so that crazy cyclists don’t knock him down,” and riding a bike or climbing trees himself is “very dangerous, because you can break your leg, neck, arm”! Of course, the communication of such children with people will take place at a distance of “at least 5 meters”, as a result of which the child will have absolutely no communication skills. And the eternal sitting at home or walking leisurely walks will not in the best way affect his physical development.

In this case, parents must overcome themselves and their fear for the "child" - and allow him to ride a bike, go to performances, communicate with children, bring them to visit. If it's really hard - valerian will always come to the rescue!

3. Activist Parents

The other extreme of parenting is overly active and sociable parents, who always have a lot of guests in the house and who easily make new acquaintances. Of course, they simply cannot understand how their child can be different from them. And such parents liberate their child in a very straightforward way: they enroll in acting classes, in a ballet school, they force friends (of which there can be up to 5 a week) to recite poems, sing and dance at every meeting. And, of course, activist parents accompany all their movements with phrases: “Well, is it really so difficult to say “Hello” ???”, “Can’t you ask for a toy and a boy, Petya?” and others. Of course, for choleric parents, everything is as simple as that. But for a melancholic child, even just looking into the eyes of a stranger is considered a feat.

In this case, parents should moderate their ambitions and recognize the child's right to individual character traits. And instead of acting classes, it’s better to enroll him in a circle for cutting and sewing, knitting, sports section, etc. If your child has a conflict with peers, try not to take on the functions of the “arbiter of fate” like: “Now dad will go and figure it out,” but still limit yourself to advice to your baby on how to resolve this or that situation. In addition, your mediator function will be good when you say out loud to your opponent what your baby muttered softly, without accompanying it with your own comments.

4. Intelligent Environment

If your child is a standard illustration of a “bespectacled nerd with a book under his arm” in a jacket “from natural materials a la 50s, ”and his grandmother is mainly raising him - it is not surprising that he is shy. Surely, at home he is instilled with a sophisticated culture, the habit of wearing everything “natural and high-quality non-staining color”, and not synthetic “parrot outfits”. And in kindergarten or school, when confronted with real life, conflicting feelings begin to overwhelm the child: after all, children around wear synthetic "parrot outfits", chew "deadly harmful" chewing gum, play computer games that "destroy the brain" - and your child begins want the same! His internal attitudes come into conflict with desires - which is insanely difficult for small child and provokes a wary attitude towards everything around him!

To make your baby happy, you need to change some of your settings. For example, you need to instill in your child that there are many opinions, and not the only correct opinion of a mother or grandmother: “Yes, Petya wears a bright Chinese synthetic T-shirt, and you put on a gray cotton one. Both are good and beautiful." But still, it is desirable to make sure that the child does not stand out much from the society of peers. Therefore, maybe buying something harmful, but so tempting, will not be a tragedy?

5. Experienced stress

It also happens that the shyness of a child is a natural reaction to the stress experienced in life: moving and moving to another Kindergarten or the school where the kid was publicly humiliated, failures in relationships with peers, divorce of parents or bullying at school.

You can help such a child only by talking and gradually removing the consequences of stress from him. It may be necessary to consult a psychologist.

Overcoming shyness

1. Do not let anyone and do not call the child shy or shy. The fact is that in this way you and those around you label the baby: “quiet”, “afraid of people”, “shy” - forcing him to behave accordingly.

2. Tell the child that you yourself were once shy - this will bring you closer and the baby will be more confident that you understand and support him. Tell him about how you overcame shyness, whether it helped you in life. By seeing a positive example in front of him, the child will be able to become more self-confident and overcome his own shyness.

3. Show your child that you love him, understand and sympathize with his problems. Indeed, shyness and self-doubt often go hand in hand. It is necessary to make the baby more confident - and shyness will begin to disappear before our eyes. Notice any more or less significant of his success, praise him, including in front of others. Tell him that if something goes wrong for a child, he can always count on your help. If a child makes some kind of mistake, in no case do not scold him, but just try together to figure out the reasons for this mistake and think about what needs to be done so that this does not happen again. When you see that the baby is afraid of something - say that you are also sometimes afraid of the same thing (speaking in public, talking to a stranger) - this will help the baby open up to you and begin to freely discuss his problems with you.

4. Try playing noisy games at home. The purpose of this undertaking should be the emancipation of the child so that he releases his emotions outward. Do not be afraid of the anger of your neighbors - let him run, trample, knock on the walls - but preferably not at night! It is important that the child learns to show his emotions, which will greatly help him in games with peers.

5. Practice eye contact with your child. Explain to him that looking into the eyes of the interlocutor is very important, it immediately disposes to himself. First look into each other's eyes, then let him try to make eye contact with other people. If at first it is very difficult for a child to do this, let him look at the bridge of his interlocutor's nose. Don't forget to cheer him up and show that you believe in his success.

6. Discuss with your child the beauty of communication so that he understands what he is losing by silently sitting in a corner. Tell how you have achieved something in life, thanks to communication, describe to him in colors how interesting it is to meet other people.

7. Play some communicative scenes at home, for example, a scene of acquaintance, beginning a conversation, conversation. Can attract Stuffed Toys with which the child will “talk”, or you can lose communication with each other. The purpose of this venture is to prepare the child for real acquaintance and real conversation with peers.

8. Set goals for your child that he can achieve. But in any case, always assure him that in case of failure you will come to the rescue. You can get a special notebook where the baby will mark his “little victories” with an asterisk every day: ask for a watering can in kindergarten, tell a poem to guests, sing a song at a matinee, meet a girl on the playground.

9. Every communication success should be rewarded. Never blame him for being shy - otherwise you will get the opposite effect, but always praise him for his sociability. It can be simple praise, buying ice cream or treats with candy - anything - the main thing is that the baby knows that his success is appreciated!

10. Do not forget about ways to protect yourself from those who are not too willing to make contact. After all, a timid child is always afraid of his defenselessness, if they suddenly begin to call him names and laugh at him. Therefore, in his arsenal protective equipment there should be both a “strong word” and a “strong fist”. Do not forbid him to fight back (of course, with the proviso that being the first to get into a fight, and generally solving disputes with your fists, is not very good). Teach your child to put in a "strong word" when necessary - that is, in response to insults by someone. No, no one calls for teaching a five-year-old child to swear, but some comic phrases will have no worse effect: “Leikin-Barmaleikin”, “Ivanov - without pants”, etc.

And one more hit "below the belt", which is a good idea to teach the baby - this is "bribery". Do not think anything criminal - we are talking just about giving sweets to children in kindergarten, small presents to friends or just cute peers in the form of stickers, chewing gum, etc. This will arrange the kids to your child, and the "shy" will feel important and necessary.

And remember: shyness, of course, is not too much good quality, especially in modern world. But it also has its advantages and disadvantages. Let's look at two situations where shyness is a good helper for a toddler!

Imagine, a kindergarten, one boy brought an incredible car to the group, just the dream of all children of our time! Of course, everyone surrounded the lucky one - in the timid hope of touching the dream. The timid "shy" keeps aloof, not daring to approach ... It seems, at first glance, an unhappy child. But in fact, this is simply the wisest strategic move! While everyone revolves around one toy for everyone, the rest of the hares-tigers-crocodiles-dolls-cars and even incredible children's dishes are at the disposal of the "shy", and you can play enough with all this!

The second situation is played out in the doctor's office, which for a good 20 minutes can't get the little patient to open his mouth and say "ahhh." Did you think he was afraid? It wasn't there! A stubborn child will stand his ground until a kind doctor gives him a wooden stick, a piece of a dropper, a piece of cotton wool, a plunger from a syringe and ... What else do you have of value here? Ah, a mirror and stetskpf ..., stetaskoff, ugh, listener, here!

And, of course, do not forget that the look of a shy child, full of timid hope and prayer, will break the heart of even the most strict teacher like Miss Bock! Why else would Puss in Boots from Shrek so excite the hearts of millions? The main thing is that the little trickster should not abuse the use of this "weapon"!

“Tell a rhyme”, “Say hello to your aunt”, “Go make friends with the boy in the sandbox” - any of these phrases can drive a shy child into a stupor, make them step back and hide behind their mother’s skirt. How to help your child overcome fear of communication and increase confidence? Some tips for parents in this article.

Positive sides

If the shyness of the crumbs is not caused by improper upbringing or ridicule from peers, but is part of the character of the baby, then this has its advantages. Such children are calm, polite, very attentive and kind. Quiet people love to spend time with pets, play and take care of them. Shy children always try to avoid conflict, listen carefully to the interlocutor. It is for these character traits that they are so valued by others.

Negative sides

Despite a lot of positive aspects, it is very difficult for shy children to fulfill themselves and
adapt to society. An answer at the blackboard, a performance at a matinee, a conversation with a stranger, a classmate's birthday - any situation turns into stress.

Parents of a shy child experience mixed feelings. On the one hand, there are fewer difficulties in raising a quiet, meek baby. On the other hand, parents often worry about how their child, so unsociable and harmless, will be able to join the team, find friends, stand up for himself when it comes time to go to kindergarten and school. As practice shows, people who were distinguished by shyness in childhood, during adulthood become withdrawn, prefer a solitary lifestyle, rarely appear in large companies.

What is the reason?

Temperament

Melancholic and phlegmatic people are considered timid and sensitive in nature. If the baby has inherited one of the two types of temperaments, parents will have to take his shyness for granted. The only thing that can affect the closed character and increase the communication skills of a timid child is patience, support, care from family members and teachers.

Low self-esteem

One of the most common causes of shyness is. Bullying at school, constant criticism from parents or peers, stress, a bad atmosphere in the house - all this pushes the baby to. The source of shyness can also be physical features child, such as lameness, poor eyesight, twisted spine, etc.

Lack of communication skills

The root of the “shy” problem can also be insufficiently formed skills in communicating with other people. In this case, the baby wants to communicate, but simply does not know how to do it. You can pass the child's sociability test.

How to help?

In order to educate a full-fledged and liberated personality, it is necessary to perform several simple rules, which will help the shy baby overcome shyness and become sociable. So, if the child is shy, what to do?

• The first thing to work on is a sense of self-worth and self-confidence. Create an atmosphere of love, care and support around the child. Do not criticize your child, but only correct him, explain the mistakes: “You tried, you did well. If you want, I'll teach you how to do even better." It is unacceptable to use such words as “stupid”, “worthless”, “terrible”, etc. to the baby.
• Teach your baby to be responsible for his actions, do not make him dependent on yourself. Set achievable goals for him and, if necessary, help to solve them. The case, brought to the end, will not only give the baby confidence in his own abilities, but also bring him closer to family members.
• Be sure to praise a timid child, even for small successes. What seems insignificant and mundane to you can be of great importance to a little man. But you also need to praise in moderation, otherwise.
• If he avoids communicating with peers, help the baby adapt to society, gain social behavior skills. To do this, first of all, you need to teach the baby the rituals of greeting, acquaintance, farewell. The easiest and most effective way is to arrange a home performance in which the mother plays the role of a stranger (for example, a salesman in a store, a peer on the playground), and the shy child himself. Rehearse the plot in advance, teach the baby a few “template” expressions and phrases with which he can easily start a conversation.
• Various creative and sports children's sections, as well as meetings with family friends who also have children of the right age, will help to socialize the child.
• Be careful with your baby's clothes, hairstyle, toys. He should not be the subject of ridicule and worry about it.
• Allow your child to behave as he wants, do not limit his freedom, do not pull. Observe how he behaves with children, acquaintances and strangers, and then gently and gently try to correct his behavior.
• In advanced cases, when the child is very shy, and this really interferes with learning, it is necessary to seek advice from child psychologist. A competent specialist will help parents find a way to communicate with a shy baby.

Parents encounter this character trait of their children most often in situations when they go to visit with them or host guests. The kid at the sight of strangers becomes shy, clings to his mother, does not answer questions from adults. Shyness can be especially pronounced in kindergarten, where the child has to communicate with different teachers, answer in class, and perform at holidays. Sometimes such children are embarrassed to approach a group of peers, they do not dare to join their game. As a rule, shyness is most pronounced in those activities that are new to the baby. He feels insecure, embarrassed to show his ineptitude, afraid to admit it, to ask for help. In general, a shy child is friendly to other people, including strangers, wants to communicate with them, but at the same time experiences great internal stress. It manifests itself in nervous movements, a state of emotional discomfort, fear of turning to an adult, expressing one's desires. Sometimes such a baby does not respond to calls at all or answers in monosyllables, very quietly, down to a whisper. A characteristic feature of the communication of a shy child is its discontinuity, cyclicality: problems with communication can be overcome for a time when he feels free and liberated, and reappear in case of any difficulties. Observations show that arising in early childhood shyness most often persists throughout preschool age. But it manifests itself most clearly in the fifth year of life. At this age, children develop a need for adult respect. The child reacts sharply to remarks, is offended by a joke, irony in his address, during this period he especially needs praise and approval. So parents and educators need to behave especially carefully and delicately in relation to a shy child.

Inner peace and intellect

Vulnerable in a shy baby is the area of ​​feelings. He is not prone to a vivid manifestation of emotions, and when the need arises for this, he becomes shy and withdraws into himself. The child simultaneously experiences both a desire to behave at ease and a fear of spontaneous manifestation of feelings. This even shows up in the game. A shy child is characterized by the desire to protect the space of his personality, his inner world from outside interference. He is embarrassed by situations in which attention is drawn to him when he has to tell something about himself. Such a kid seeks to withdraw into himself, to dissolve among others, to become invisible. It has long been noted that shyness is not related to the child's abilities, the level of his intellectual development. Shy children are just as good at different kinds of tasks as others, and yet they behave in a special way when doing them. The slightest censure of the educator can cause them a surge of timidity and embarrassment, inhibits activity, and sometimes leads to its termination. Such guys are more careful in their actions and statements, less persistent in achieving results than their peers. This behavior is due to the fact that shy children are constantly focused on evaluating their actions. They react sharply and affectively to remarks, and with age, from about the age of five, they develop a paradoxical attitude towards praise: the approval of an adult often causes an ambivalent feeling of joy and embarrassment. But not only the assessment of others confuses a shy child. He behaves in the same way when he himself expects failure in his activity, and in case of difficulties he timidly looks into the eyes of an adult, not daring to ask for help. Sometimes, overcoming internal tension, a shy kid smiles embarrassedly and quietly says: "It doesn't work out." Often these guys seem to be preparing themselves for failure in advance. Therefore, from them you can often hear the words: "I will not succeed." Confusion can also arise after successfully solving a problem. The child rejoices at his luck, but does not dare to say so. Thus, the main difficulties in communicating a shy child with other people lie in the sphere of his attitude towards himself and the attitude of other people towards him. It is traditionally believed that shy children have low self-esteem, that they think poorly of themselves. However, experiments have shown that this is not entirely true. As a rule, a shy child considers himself very good, that is, he has the most positive attitude towards himself as a person. The problem lies elsewhere. It often seems to him that others treat him worse than he treats himself. As shy children age, there is a tendency for a gap in how they evaluate themselves and others. They continue to rate themselves highly from their point of view, but lower and lower - from the point of view of adults - parents and educators. At the same time, most often, the assessments of teachers are much lower than those of parents. This is largely due to their shy behavior in the classroom in kindergarten. Doubt about other people's positive attitude towards oneself brings disharmony into the child's sense of self, makes him suffer from doubts about the value of his "I". Everything that such a kid does is checked by him through the attitude of others. Excessive anxiety about his "I" often obscures the content of his activities. He focuses not so much on what he does, but on how adults will appreciate him. A shy child has a special structure of the need-motivational sphere: personal motives always act as the main ones, overshadowing both cognitive and business ones.

How can you help your child deal with shyness?

Talk about your love

Perhaps the most important thing is to raise the baby's self-esteem in that part of it, which is associated with his perception of other people's attitude towards himself. Adults should analyze their attitude towards the child. Of course, mom and dad love him, but do they always express this feeling? How often do they tell him about their love? Maybe he lacks parental support? Often adults pay attention to their children only when they do something wrong, the achievements and good deeds of kids sometimes go unnoticed. And shy kids need support much more than their non-shy peers. And they appreciate this support more because they know how to deeply feel good relationship and calm down at its manifestations. Without the satisfaction of these needs, the child does not form the foundation of his development: trust in people, which allows him to actively and fearlessly enter into the world. Adults must learn to be attentive to the baby, not only if he asks for help, but also when, at first glance, he does not need it. What is this support? These are the most different ways approve of what the baby is doing. The main thing is to demonstrate to him that his efforts and successes are noticed and appreciated positively. For example, if you see a child building a building with blocks, you can turn to him: "You are probably building a garage for a car? You are good at it." And noticing how the baby persistently tries to put on and fasten the boots, it does not hurt to praise him: "You tried so hard to put on the boots, and you did it. Wonderful!" The next task is to help the child increase self-esteem in specific activities - in the classroom and in their free time. A shy kid is afraid of a negative assessment, but this does not mean that he does not need an assessment at all. It is good if adults, doing something with him, or giving him some kind of task, say that they are confident in his success, but are ready to help if something does not work out. If the child is too focused on the assessment, and this slows down his actions, it is better for adults to try to distract him from the evaluative side of the activity. Here, playful tricks and humor will help, which should not be directed at the child, but at the situation as a whole. For example, if the baby is unable to assemble a pyramid or a figure from the designer, you can make them "animate" and endow them with a harmful character that prevents the baby from coping with the task. It is good to talk with the baby on behalf of the character invented together, to play out a funny situation.

Break the rules a little

It should be remembered that shy children are often very cautious and afraid of everything new. They are more committed than their non-shy peers to following the rules, afraid to break them. So, in the experiments of psychologists, shy children would never agree to make a lipstick drawing on a piece of paper, while other kids did it cheerfully and boldly. In shy children, an internal prohibition is formed to a greater extent on acts and actions that are condemned by adults, and this can inhibit their initiative and creative manifestations. Therefore, the parents of these kids should think about whether they limit the freedom of the child, his immediacy and curiosity too often. Maybe sometimes you can break the rules? Flexible behavior will help the child get rid of the fear of punishment, excessive stiffness. In the end, instead of expensive and fashionable lipstick you can give the little one old and unnecessary. And if you feel sorry for the wallpaper, their piece left over from the repair, or a regular sheet of paper, will also do. It can be spread out on the floor and paint a big picture together. By the way, if the kid draws not only with a pencil and a brush, but also with a finger, or even with the whole palm, this will only benefit him. Such exercises relieve emotional stress well.

Play together!

It is equally important to help the child learn to freely express their emotions, desires, feelings. Shy children often act shy, especially when others are staring at them. To relieve internal tension, to feel free they will be helped specially organized games. It is believed that hide and seek are entertainment in which only children participate, moreover, they supposedly excite the kids too much. This is not true. Outdoor games, and even together with adults, help kids express their emotions and activate vital energy to establish more intimate relationships with others. Games - competitions (pins, ball, archery with suction cups, overcoming obstacles, wrestling and other fun), which are accompanied by loud exclamations and laughter, will also help a shy child feel more confident. When organizing such games, it is better to create a situation of success for the baby (so that he does not feel like a loser or lagging behind), and then praise him for his courage and dexterity, express the joy of playing together. Emotionally direct interaction softens the excessive fear of failure, censure and prohibitions. emancipation emotional sphere, pantomime games, such as "Guess the emotion", "Where we were, we won't say, but what we did - we'll show", "Phanta" and others, contribute well to better mastering the language of emotions. It is desirable that several adults and children participate in them. In such games, an emotionally positive atmosphere is created, internal psychological barriers are overcome, friendly, direct relationships are established between children and adults. Adults often try to explain to a shy child that there is no need to be afraid of people, they persuade him to speak to guests or at a holiday in kindergarten. Such a direct impact is ineffective. The kid shrinks all over, cannot utter a word, hides and begins to be even more afraid of public situations. Much more effective method to combat shyness are fantasy games in which various characters are endowed with the features of the child himself, and situations are close to those that especially excite him, cause anxiety or fear. Such games help the child, as it were, to look at their difficulties from the outside, to understand that other children also have them, to gain experience in resolving them. Imagination games can take the form of a story about a girl or a boy who lives in the same circumstances, gets into different life situations and finds a way out of them. Often children are ashamed, and sometimes they simply do not know how to talk about their problems, and listening to or writing a story about another child, attributing their experiences to him, they become more open to talking about themselves. Before playing with the baby in such invented stories, adults should learn a few rules:

1. Consider which situations are most difficult for the child. Tune in to the wave of his feelings, experiences, Look at the problem through the eyes of a child.
2. Think about the plot of the story. What ideas would you like to convey to your child? specific advice give him?
3. Start a story about a fictional girl or boy by describing details of their lives that are similar to the life of a child (for example, the boy lives in the same house, he has the same brother or sister, the same dog or bird). The name of the fictional character does not have to directly match the name of the child, but may have some similarity in sound. Describe his experiences in a particular situation in as much detail as possible. For example, if a child is often shy about joining a peers' game, you could make up a story about a boy who was afraid that the children would think he was stupid, ugly, clumsy and would laugh. Because of this, the kid was afraid to look into the eyes of the guys, spoke very quietly, did not know how to ask them to take him into the game.
4. In the course of the story, contact the child for additions so that he becomes a participant in the problem and situation being discussed. Ask him questions about what else the hero thought, how he could be helped.
5. Then enter a character who will become the child's assistant in resolving the internal conflict. It can be mom, dad, older brother or sister, a kind wizard. Think of a dialogue between the baby and the helper, in which they will discuss different ways of behavior, and then apply them in life. Consider children's comments to the story. Involve your child in finding a solution. Try to make him an active participant and co-author of the story.
6. The invented story should have a positive result.
7. After you have discussed the behavior of the fictional character together, observe the behavior of the shy child in real situations in his life, check if he was influenced by the game. Try to make the story continue depending on the child's behavior.
8. Try to make the story lively, witty, introduce more dialogues of various characters into it, fill it with fabulous elements.

In addition to inventing stories, it is good to organize dramatization games with children. Their characters can be familiar heroes of fairy tales, animals. Playing alternately with adults the roles of a terrible wolf and a timid bunny, a cunning fox and a little mouse, a brave boy and a shy girl, the child will involuntarily find echoes of his own life in them, learn to deal with his fears and anxieties. Well, if the parents together with the child make masks for such games, with their help it will be easier for him to enter the role, to “hide”. Effective method alleviate fear of public situations - organizing games with other children. For example, you can play "kindergarten" with several of your child's friends, where children and an adult alternately play the roles of a teacher and children who need to speak to others, for example, recite a poem or make up a story from a picture. Shy children hesitate to start an answer for a long time, speak slowly, uncertainly and quietly. Gradually, time limits can be introduced into the game, exercises for loudness and expressiveness of speech can be included. Let's take an example of one of them.

"Quick Answers".

This game removes the inhibition that occurs when unexpected questions develop, develops resourcefulness, ingenuity. It can be played both at home and during a walk. The playing space is pre-divided into two parts by objects. In one of them there is an adult, in the other there are several children standing side by side. The host asks each kid in turn questions that are easy for them and waits for an answer, counting aloud: 1-2-3 (you can ask the child what his name is, how old he is, who is his friend, what color is the crocodile). Children can answer questions as they like - both seriously and playfully. You can ask such questions: "Why are frogs jumping?", "Why is ice cream cold?", "Why is the crocodile green?". With any appropriate answer, the child takes a step forward. Thus, the respondent is ahead of other children. The facilitator must quietly guide the game in such a way as to prevent the kids from being too ahead or behind. Special attention should be paid to the shy child, helping him to move in line with others. It is necessary to create such conditions that he will definitely win at least once. Success among peers and adults inspires, makes you believe in yourself and become more confident. When all the children are successful, the adult invites each of them to act as a leader.

Another variant of the game is "Ball in a circle".

The participants of the game - adults and children - stand in a circle and throw the ball to each other. Condition: before throwing the ball, the one who holds it in his hands must look into the eyes of the person to whom he is going to throw it, and say any word that comes to mind, for example, "hold", "catch", "on" , "bunny". For older children, you can complicate the game by asking them to name only colors or items of clothing, furniture, dishes. This game also takes the pressure off of having to find the answer quickly. Perhaps a shy baby causes more sympathy in surrounding adults than an excessively lively and playful one. But parents need to think about the future of their child. After all, if shyness in early childhood prevents him from normal communication and development, what service will this trait serve in adulthood? Of course, with the desire and certain volitional efforts, a person can cope with his shyness himself. But it will be much more difficult to do this than in childhood, when the baby has the right to count on the help and support of parents.

Why is the child shy? The list of reasons for this behavior can be very extensive. As a rule, the reason for excessive shyness is low self-esteem.

There is, however, one exception - it is normally typical for children from 7 months to 2.5-3 years. At this age, almost all healthy children begin to be afraid or shy of strangers (mostly adults, but it happens that children too). This behavior is completely natural for the baby.

In others age categories shyness is a consequence of low self-esteem. It is wrong to think that low self-esteem is formed in a child who is endlessly bullied, humiliated or ignored by everyone around. Sometimes some little thing is enough for a child to suddenly, for no reason (from the point of view of an adult), consider himself worthless and not interesting to anyone.

Shyness is a manifestation of defensive behavior.

The child is shy and tries to become invisible, “put on a mask” in antics, hide behind his mother, as if to “merge” with her together. “It's not me, it's my mother in front of you now, but I'm not here,” your daughter seems to say, hanging on your neck. “It's not me, look, this girl is completely different from me,” she shows another person with her antics. Surely with people whom your daughter trusts, she behaves perfectly normally. That is, the girl does not expect an assessment from them and is ready to be herself in front of them. And the fact that she is jealous of her only friend, is afraid of losing her, because some other girl may turn out to be better than her, “she gets scared when the children start complaining about her”, that is, she is afraid that everyone will find out what she is like “ really” - confirms my hypothesis about low self-esteem + “At home it requires constant uninterrupted attention,” you write. That is, it constantly needs to be clarified that everything is in order with it, that it is valuable in itself - it also says “for”.

The fact that after embarrassment comes a period of defiant behavior is natural. “You did not respect my condition, giving me excessive attention, which was difficult for me to endure, hugging and kissing me without my consent. Well, now I will take revenge on you. And I will do what you probably will not like!” - approximately according to such a “plan” the child acts. Please note that I wrote the word "plan" in quotation marks. This plan arises spontaneously, there is nothing planned and deliberate here. The child is reactive. There is an action and the baby gives a reaction to it. "You didn't respect me, now I won't respect you."

What to do with a shy child?

First, strange as it may sound, “allow” to be shy. Knowing this feature of the child, protect him from unnecessary questions, hugs, and especially kisses. Your daughter needs time to take a closer look, get used to it and decide whether or not to trust the person standing in front of her, even if she has seen him a thousand times before. You need some time to calmly, patiently and with understanding treat the fact that your daughter hangs on you and grimace. After all, now you know that the child is used to defending himself in this way, he needs time to learn to behave differently.

In my practice, there was a case when a mother deliberately persuaded her shy six-year-old daughter to be shy. It was before the New Year, and the girl had a trip to the matinee. A few days before the matinee, my mother began to tell where they would go and what awaited the girl there. “But you, of course, can not dance, and not sing songs. You can just sit on my lap and watch other children have fun, ”this mother said calmly and without irony. What happened: the child was well informed about what awaits him, what to prepare for and got the opportunity to choose to behave one way or another. By the way, at the matinee, shyness in this case disappeared as if by hand.

That is, secondly, when planning visits or meetings where a girl may begin to be shy, provide her with as much information as possible about what awaits her. For many shy children, sometimes even a pleasant surprise can lead to the most unexpected consequences.

Thirdly, to provide the opportunity to choose how to behave. Here you can use the techniques of fairy tale therapy or. For example, to tell, or even better to play with the help of toys, a story about how a bunny or a princess (the character, depending on the age of the child, was shy, shy, grimaced, hid, “lost” all kinds of pleasures and amenities because of this, and, in the end in the end, he defeated this shyness and since then he has lived happily. And in this story, reproduce the typical behaviors of your baby, words. It's great if you are the shy hero in the game, and your daughter is persuading him to act differently.

Aggressiveness is the other side of shyness

Aggression, which sometimes shows a girl, may be a consequence of both the exploratory behavior characteristic of preschool children, and be a way to "revenge" others for their "suffering". The child does not want to be bad (and with low self-esteem, he considers himself as such), and tries to prove to others that this is not so + with the help of aggression. Based on what you wrote, I'm leaning more towards the first version. The girl watches a cartoon with unmotivated pokes and insults in every frame and tries to reproduce them in reality in order to “digest” this information, understand how it happens and tries this behavior on her peers. Even if you do not punish her physically, she probably knows that such methods exist, and tries to “realize” them in the game. Watch a cartoon with her. Ask her gently what she likes about him. How does she think the characters feel, why they act the way they do. If a child hits other children, asking why he does it is often really fruitless.

It is much better to ask after the incident, is it possible to beat him himself? After all, if you can beat another, then it is also possible. This allows the child to learn to “get up” in the place of another person, and make the decision “not to beat”, not because an adult will punish, but for a completely different motive.

Solution

And the last. by the most the best way correction of shyness (or rather low self-esteem) are forms of group work. For a preschool child, such work can, in principle, be any developmental activities where the teacher adheres to the principles of a humane-personal approach. Namely, it takes into account the characteristics of the child, is ready to “follow” the child, and not the program, at a pace that the child can cope with. In my opinion, this approach is ideally implemented in the classroom. The teacher will give such a child time to get comfortable, to “settle in” the room where the classes are held. Shy children in the group are under the protection and attention of an adult. The teacher makes sure that the child has the opportunity to independently choose an activity for himself, to experience a sense of satisfaction and a sense of success from his occupation. In a Montessori class, a shy child will always have the opportunity to express their opinions and make sure they are heard. Gradually, each child becomes a full participant in the group process, sees his opportunity to influence him, begins to understand how other people influence him and learns to resist this influence. in safe ways. The child learns to defend his choice, opinion, position. Learn to ask for and receive help.

In addition, for parents in our Center there is a “School of Conscious Parenthood”, seminars and trainings are held. You can sign up for classes by phone: 232-12-92, 250-02-12.

Lively, purposeful children always get everything first, and always the best, and shy kids often stand on the sidelines, afraid to approach Santa Claus at a matinee or embarrassed to tell a rhyme in kindergarten on March 8th. Why do some parents baby goes right through to his goal, while others are afraid to even go out because of his mother's skirt? It is not only a matter of upbringing, but also of innate character, temperament, and very often we demand more from our children than they can. If you have a shy child, it may be worth liberating him a little, but if he feels constraint at the genetic level in any society, and even at home, then maybe you shouldn’t fight it, but you just need to teach the baby to adapt to life.

Why did the child become shy?

Almost all small children under 3 years old can be called shy, timid, but this is not a property of character, but simply a protective reaction of the baby to the unknown world around. He hides behind his mother's skirt, but looks out from behind her with pleasure, looking at new people, acquaintances, new streets and houses. In front of mom and dad, children often behave normally, but when grandparents, parents' friends come, they feel anxiety, an invasion of their personal protected space, and this makes them nervous, they have mood swings, they run away to another room not to mention talking to strangers. But such behavior is quite normal for young children - they are just getting to know this world. But if after 3 years, when the child went to kindergarten or when he comes to visit someone, he cannot utter a word, then no matter how hard you try to liberate him, shyness can completely absorb the baby.

You should pay attention to how the child behaves at a party: if after some time he played out and made friends with everyone, then there is no reason for concern. Well, if the child has become shy, and even by the end of the evening he still does not leave you and has not yet spoken to anyone, then your baby has really become extremely timid, and there may be several reasons for this.

• "Innate" shyness

A person is already born with a certain type of temperament. It is simply impossible to retrain, re-educate a child, because timidity is a part of him, not contrived and not acquired, but one might say - innate. And in this case, the child needs to be helped to live and survive with this shyness, and not try to suppress it.

• Low self-esteem

We very often meet adults who look spectacular, but they have extremely low self-esteem. But all this has been going on since childhood, and even his parents may be to blame. A single casually dropped phrase can sit deep in the mind of a child and prevent him from fully developing. So, for example, a mother may one day say to her daughter: “There is nothing to turn around in front of the mirror! You won't see anything special there anyway!" And then the girl really begins to think that there is nothing special about her, that she is a little gray mouse that no one will ever pay attention to. Here you already have an inferiority complex, and low self-esteem. If a child is “shut up” all the time and said that he is bad, that he does not know how, that he does not know how, that he will never achieve anything and does not strive for anything, then in this case the parents themselves program him for this. And the kid begins to think that if his parents say so, it means that everyone around knows about his shortcomings and everyone laughs at him - how can you be lively and cheerful after such thoughts?

• Physical handicaps

Another reason that does not depend on others is the physical defects of the child. It can be some disfiguring facial features, and lameness, and displacement of the vertebrae, and tumors, and cerebral palsy, and poor eyesight, as a result of which the child has to wear funny strong glasses. All this will not give confidence even to an adult, not to mention children. If physical defects are congenital, then for the first 2 years the child is unlikely to be ashamed of them, because he still does not understand that he is not like everyone else. But when he communicates more and more with his peers, and even more so when he goes to kindergarten, this is where the problems begin. Children do not like people who stand out, unlike people, they become angry towards them, push them away, call them names, try to annoy them in every possible way, they are not friends with them. As a result, the baby becomes almost an outcast, he begins to be afraid of communication and other people, he tries to be alone so that no one sees him and does not laugh at him. This is extremely painful for a small soul, and without the help of parents, the child will remain shy, closed to everyone.

• Pressure from educators and teachers

In every fifth family there are conflicts between children and their kindergarten teachers or teachers at school. And how could a child not please them? This may be personal hostility, and the banal hyperactivity of the child or his silence. If the baby was already initially a little shy, then the teacher’s unpleasant reprimands can completely frighten the child, and he will be timid even at home. An attentive parent will definitely notice such changes in the child's behavior and will be forced to communicate with the teacher or transfer the child to another group.

At school, a child may not show serious success, and as a result, he will hear in his direction the unpleasant words “slow-witted”, “ignorant”, “mentally retarded”, “you will not achieve anything in this life”, “lazy”. A child already frightened by the new society can completely withdraw into himself, become timid and fearful, especially if you support not the child, but the position of the teacher.

From such situations, there can be two outcomes - either the child will protest against such an attitude towards himself, or he will begin to think that he really is not worthy of recognition, that everyone only thinks that he is bad, that he is a failure. The child is afraid to approach peers, because he is sure in advance that they will not accept him, he is afraid to say something at the blackboard, because he is sure that unpleasant words will pour on him again.

What does shyness lead to?

Many are used to thinking that a shy child will never reach the top in his life. But everything is possible, especially if parents can direct children's shyness in the right direction.

• Positive result of shyness

If shyness did not come to the child as a result of ridicule and improper upbringing, but simply is an integral part of him, then there is nothing wrong with that. Such children are often soft, friendly, ready to help their neighbors, especially pets, they have a kind, sympathetic heart. And let them not aspire to the heights, to deputy mandates, but they can realize themselves as respectable individuals. Shy children never come into conflict, they try to hush everything up at the stage of quarrel ignition, they try to listen and hear the opponent. It is for the sincerity and kindness of such children that others begin to appreciate.

Of course, in the modern world, shyness is no longer such a significant character trait as it was 20 years ago, but even now many guys like shy girls more than fighting peers, and families are created with such shy girlfriends.

• Negative result of shyness

But often shyness in children appears as a result of unpleasant life situations and the negative attitude of others. Parents in this case need to be extremely sensitive and help the child increase his self-esteem, otherwise he can carry shyness through his whole life, without having achieved success either in his career or in his personal life.

The child is embarrassed to go to the blackboard, he is embarrassed to approach Santa Claus and tell him a verse in order to receive a gift, he is even silent when he desperately wants a bright toy in the store. As a result, another schoolboy gets a five at the blackboard, Santa Claus gives a gift to a more courageous child, and a toy is bought to a brother, because he had the courage to ask his parents about it. The child himself deprives himself of many joys and achievements only because he is very embarrassed to take this small step. And in the future, he will be shy before the first declaration of love, and his potential soulmate can simply be taken away from under his nose.

And what is most offensive for parents is to see that the child is not only shy, but also recognizes all the blows of fate and failure for granted. From childhood, the kid is used to the fact that nothing works out for him, that he is not worthy of everything that others have, and he simply puts up with it.

How to overcome the shyness of a child?

Every parent worries about the future of their child, we want them to be successful, find themselves in this life and never know troubles. And almost all of us are sure that shyness will not become a faithful assistant in the lives of our children. What to do with her? How to overcome the shyness of the child and not destroy his individuality? But the main thing is not to eradicate this timidity, but to understand whether this should be done at all. Perhaps, struggling with the shyness of your child, you will only lock him in yourself even more, so take attempts to “re-educate” him, but very carefully weigh the results and successes of your baby.

• If your child has already begun to be shy, do not scold him for it, all the more so do not say the phrases “why are you shy, like a muslin lady, look at how lively your classmates are” in the presence of these same friends or other children. So you will only develop an even greater inferiority complex in the child, you will disgrace him, and now the child will certainly not talk to anyone, because he will think that everyone will laugh at him;
• In order to be at least a little liberated, the child needs to communicate, and it is the parents who should help him in this. Invite your friends and your child's friends over often. If your baby does not make contact - communicate with him, talk with others and be sure to ask what your child thinks about it. Of course, the baby will be shy and may just bury his head in your hair, but confidential words, physical contact (stroking the head, holding the hand) should help the child feel safe. Tell your child about those people who should come to you so that the child already gets to know them in absentia;
• If you scold the child, be sure to tell him that he can do better, that you are confident in his abilities, and he just needs to try a little. Give the child aspiration, and do not humiliate him with the words that he is ignorant, knows nothing and does not know how;
• What should parents do if the child is embarrassed by their obvious shortcomings? Even if the baby has physical disabilities, you should not constantly feel sorry for him and pretend that no one notices this. From childhood, a kid needs to know that he is not like everyone else, but you must fill his life with such love and care so that the child understands that you can live with these shortcomings, and you can earn friends with your openness and friendliness. Be sure to prepare your child for what awaits him outside the walls of his home, that he can be offended and teased. But you must teach the child to be persistent and love life only for what you are in this life. Teach your child to be sociable and take all this not so personally. Of course, this is not easy, but without your help and support, the baby may completely lose his zeal for life;
• Raise the child's low self-esteem: praise him for the slightest success, and even if he doesn't succeed, always offer your help and say that you believe in him and are confident in his strengths and successes;
• Teach your child to treat failures with humor and try again, and not give up after the first failure;
• If you notice that your child is very afraid and shy about doing something new, especially if it goes against the rules, do it with him. Do you see that the baby is staring at your new shoes, but is embarrassed to ask you to try them on? Invite her to try on all your shoes together, let her put on lipstick for the holiday. Let something forbidden become accessible to the child, and then, perhaps, he will cease to be so afraid of everything new;
• If you notice inadequate behavior of a caregiver or teacher in relation to your child for a long time, consider changing the group, kindergarten, class or school, otherwise your baby's psyche may be disturbed.

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