From birth, parents take care of their precious babies, because they are helpless and defenseless. In the process of growing up, they begin to protect from wrong actions, help in making decisions, give the necessary advice. And now, the child has already become quite an adult, independent in his actions and decisions, and parents are also interested in what he eats, whether he goes to bed on time, with whom he communicates, what he wears, what he does.

Of course for loving parents we always remain children, but this so-called love and care drags on for many years, growing into unbearable total control.

6 reasons for excessive parental control

The culprits of such relationships are not only parents who overprotect their grown-up children, but also children who take excessive custody and control:

Ways to get out of parental control

But it is possible, and, most importantly, necessary to fight this suffocating parental care and love, because no one has the right to live your life for you and manage it, even your relatives.

Sometimes, of course, passivity and a desire to give one’s life into reliable parental hands are hidden behind the indignations of a controlled person in order to protect oneself from troubles and failures, but if the decision to get out of control is firm, then it should be followed immediately by actions:

Over time, parents will have to accept your independence and autonomy. Sometimes, of course, their guardianship can be unbearable, but do not forget, they still love you.

“Did you get dressed warmly?”, “Have you already eaten?”, “Who will you go for a walk with?”… The regularity of these and other questions goes off scale: you no longer know what to say to your beloved parents; how to convince them that they raised you as an adequate and responsible person, not prone to freezing, starvation and communication with the wrong people!..

Not only, but also quite adult people often complain about excessive guardianship and control by their parents. At the same time, neither one nor the other often finds another way to get rid of this control, except to throw a tantrum. And in the end - resentment from your parents, you have a feeling of guilt, no one has proven anything to anyone (only emotions have been thrown out).

Reasons for parental controls

We all know that for parents, children always remain children (and for grandparents even more so!). "Adults" always feel the need to take care of their children, to protect them from everything. This instinct is inherent in nature itself, nothing can be done with it.

However, sometimes parental control takes on just manic measures: you have to prove obedience every day, but there is still no trust in you. What are the reasons for this situation?

• Once you made a big mistake (perhaps more than once!) And now you must earn the trust of your parents again.
• Paranoia is a sad thing. When parents themselves are afraid of the outside world, then, quite predictably, they will try to protect their offspring from it.
• The fear of admitting that you have already grown up is the fear of realizing your own uselessness, loneliness.
• An attempt to make you into someone you are not, but your parents would like to be. Their own lack of fulfillment can push people to, perhaps even unconsciously, the desire to put their own children on the path to achieving their goal.

Decide for me!

Or maybe not get rid of the guardianship and control of parents? After all, it is so habitual that someone makes decisions for you.

Do you really want someone to realize themselves through you all your life? This is your life. And by the way, she's single!

If you want to fulfill YOUR dreams, it's time to start thinking with your own head. Know what you want and what's stopping you from achieving it. Do not shift the most important decisions to others: then you will blame your parents for everything, who overprotected you. And, by the way, later you will become the same parents!

How to get rid of overprotective parents

It is from excessive! Because it is impossible to get rid of the guardianship of truly loving parents. Yes, and it is not necessary!

The most common ways young people reduce parental control are:

• Moving to another city;
• Moving to the university (more often - in combination with the previous paragraph);
• Employment;
• Marriage (girls often see this as a way to get rid of parental control, although some simply change the controller).

Although the most effective and correct method is an ordinary conversation. If you think your parents are overprotective, just let them know. Without breaking into a cry, without splashing out their own grievances - calmly and restrainedly, like adults. It will be useful to prove that you are already an adult, formed personality with your own views on life. Explain that you are not trying to cut them out of your life, but simply want them to trust. Parental trust is very important. After all, if the closest people do not believe in you, how can you believe in yourself?!

Another important nuance is independence. If you live at the expense of your parents, you still cannot be considered a completely independent person. It makes sense that parents have every right to know what you spend their money on.

The issue with private phone calls is also solved not by “dropping off”, but by the usual agreement - specify in advance when it will be better and calmer for you to talk. If you can't talk, don't just promise to call back, actually call back.

Appreciate your parents and what they do for you! .. Of course, sometimes they are simply unbearable, but this is because they love you sincerely, disinterestedly and with all their hearts.

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How to find the key to solving any situation Bolshakova Larisa

15. What to do if people try to control you and how to stop controlling others

Hello. I am 15 years old, I am an excellent student at school, I study English language, I am engaged in a theater studio and a school television company. I'm not particularly friendly with my classmates, my social circle is made up of guys who have similar interests to mine: it's no more than twenty people, if you include simple acquaintances here.
I live with my grandmother and mother in one-room apartment. Father died. Mom is working music director in kindergarten, a retired grandmother, but used to be a museum director. Since my mother has a lot of work, my grandmother is mainly involved in my upbringing. As a result: constant demands that I call every time I go to or from school, dissatisfaction with the fact that due to performances and olympiads, I miss maybe two weeks for the whole year. At the same time, I am allowed to walk up to seven hours maximum, and only in one place. Until I was fourteen, I had never been to a camp. In the eighth grade, which I graduated with honors, I participated in the art competition for the ninth grade and reached the regional stage, which took place on the basis of a good camp. Then I was sent from school to the same camp for the JuniorSkills competition. In total, I was absent for about two and a half weeks, while classmates just skip several months of study. My parents are sure that I "already rested too much."
I have already decided that I will become a teacher of English and Russian languages ​​and literature. Rather, it was determined under the pressure of parents. I like the prospects, but my parents think that I am obliged to devote all my free time to studying. In addition, they react strangely to my hobbies. For example, tomorrow I have to perform. In the evening they will tell me that I will become dumb for one missed day, they will lecture me until midnight about what an ungrateful child I am, and in the morning they will spoil my mood by continuing the evening monologue. Then, when I return, they will meet me almost with pies. The same applies to my passion for literary creativity. As soon as my parents start yelling at me, they will definitely remember about "fanfics-x**yanfics".
If they want to eat, then I must eat. If I refuse, then, attention, my grandmother stops eating. If my parents think I'm cold, then I must be cold. They do not understand that I am a completely different person and perceive temperature, hunger and other sensations in a completely different way.
It also annoys me terribly when someone champs or sips food. Parents eat like this all the time. When I try to talk to them, they give an "iron" argument: "At school, everyone champs in the cafeteria!" And the fact that at school there are two hundred people in the canteen at the same time and there is noise, that even their own voice is not heard, they do not care. And in general, as the conversation about the four at school begins, the parents say, they say, I will come to school and I will follow you - you won’t even know about it.
It often happens that I go about my business, and my parents come and see what I'm doing there. They regularly dig into my folders on my computer. Once, when there was still a fashion for the Odnoklassniki website, they demanded a password from me in order to read my correspondence, saying: "I'll tie it to the battery, you won't go anywhere!" In short, that day I was all twitchy.
It also happens that they start looking for something in my things and do not respond to requests not to do this. They believe that it would be better if they dig everything for me than I carefully get the right thing.
And in general, their concern for my safety goes beyond all boundaries. Last year I was sent to a linguistic school, I was then in the seventh (!) grade. Bottom line: my mother accompanied me to school and waited until I had a lesson, then she took me home. Now I, fortunately, go by myself. And that is no better: the teacher called me when I began to dial the number of my grandmother to say that I was going home, and I called my parents a few minutes later. Bottom line: they called the police and raised the ears of the entire linguistic school. I'm afraid to tell them that I'm learning to ride a bike or that I've been walking in the wrong place, because they will definitely yell at me.
Oh yes, even when I go to study, my mother will definitely live with me. And when I have a family, I simply have to take my parents to live in the same apartment with me and my future family.
Recently, I often break down, demand personal space and more freedom. All my conversations on this topic end with a lecture about what a terrible daughter I am, lasting several hours.
And what should I do about it? I'm afraid that when I'm a mom, parents will come and raise my children the same way they did me. Please tell me how to find a compromise with the parents.

Trying to strike a balance between allowing your children to be independent while still in control of their lives can be overwhelming.

“Psychological control can limit a child's independence and make them less able to regulate their behavior,” Dr. May Stafford.

Sometimes, the family can interfere in your life very aggressively. Trying to strike a balance between allowing your children to be independent while still in control of their lives can be overwhelming. However, excessive adherence to one principle can lead to the formation of a family in which total control is exercised.

« Families and parents who try to control their child's every move are turning them into people who exhibit maladaptive behavior simply because behavior control "may limit a child's independence and make them less able to regulate their behavior," says Dr. Mai. Stafford. Here are some of the most common behaviors of adults who grew up in a family under the close supervision of their loved ones.

1. Problem with independence

Adults who grew up in a highly controlled family will have trouble maintaining their independence from other people they meet in their lives. Sometimes, it can even be close friends. But more often than not, the new role of co-dependence falls on the romantic partner. Because of the controlling nature in the behavior of the past family, an adult may start looking for someone who can create a similar atmosphere already in his new family.

2. Perfectionism

Someone who grew up in a controlled family is more likely to become a perfectionist. This perfectionism is often associated with a desire to avoid trouble or criticism from the family. As adults, perfectionism carries over into the rest of their daily lives. This behavior is often maladaptive and can cause problems at work or in building relationships with a partner.

3. Problem with self-esteem

Control in the family forces the child to feel some uncertainty. This is done to make his behavior easier to control.
“Often, the root of low self-esteem lies deep within the child who feels “not good enough.” As children, we only feel accepted and properly appreciated to the extent that we feel unconditionally loved and supported by our parents,” says Dr. Sonera Javeri.

This uncertainty carries over into adulthood in the form of low self-esteem and self-doubt. This means that someone who has an overly controlling family is more likely to seek validation of their accomplishments and behavior in general from their friends or romantic partners. They may have trouble doing normal day to day tasks if they don't get approval from someone else in their life.

4. Feeling afraid

An intimidating atmosphere will gradually be created around those people who have grown up in a family under excessive scrutiny. She appears from experienced feelings from her close relatives. Already in adulthood, these people cannot control and properly understand their emotions, which can make them struggle with a sense of fear. In their opinion, everyone around is trying to intimidate them, although in fact no one even thought about showing ill will.

5. Inability to relax

Adults raised in a controlling family cannot properly rest. They often feel they are being watched and tested. This is due to the fact that such people were constantly controlled in childhood. This violates the sense of one's own territory, because of which a person cannot feel comfortable in solitude. In adulthood, these people will still feel they are being watched, no matter how far away they are from their family.

6. Feeling betrayed

If a child was taught from childhood that he should not get tattoos under any circumstances, then in adulthood, if he does this, he will feel that he has betrayed his loved ones. This is a clear example of what will happen to a person if you constantly put pressure on him and impose your opinion. Unacceptable behavior is a rather subjective concept. Adults who grew up in such a family cannot fully express themselves for fear of disappointment or betrayal of their loved ones.

7. Personality change

When a child becomes an adult, he begins to enjoy the freedom that his parents limited. For some people, this freedom can be addictive. For example, many adults who grew up in control drink much more than they should. And all because now they are free from control. For this reason, the abuse of psychotropic and other harmful substances is quite common among adults who grew up in similar families.

8. Lie

Adults who had a controlling family often grew up with lies. It turned into a habit, so they resorted to it even when it was not needed. They lie about little things like what they had for lunch or what they did on the weekend. Lies are usually not big enough to get caught. This is a residual coping mechanism that has been formed since childhood. Because of this, the child had to lie to his family to avoid trouble and to express some independence.

9. Problems with decision making

The controlling family decides anything for their child. This leads to him never learning how to make his own decisions. When a child enters the path of adulthood, this inability to make decisions still remains. People who grew up in such a family seek information from the people around them before taking action, or simply avoid responsibility altogether.

Outcome

Adults who have grown up in harshly controlling environments may not realize that they are exhibiting such behavior until they themselves are shown it. Like most maladaptive behaviors, there is hope for the problem that has been ingrained since childhood. Therapists and mental health experts have long been helping adults learn to take control of their lives after growing up in such families. Remember that there is always hope!