Unfortunately, it so happened that the parental culture is not passed on from generation to generation. Therefore, parental courses arose, in which future fathers and mothers are explained and shown what, how and when to do with the baby, helping to stop anxiety.

Expecting the birth of a baby, dad and mom should study parenting guides. In this regard, we can recommend the wonderful book by William and Martha Sears (in some translations - Sears) "Everything you need to know about your child from birth to two years old", which replaced the book. There is also a chapter on the first days of a baby's life.

After childbirth

Various manifestations of postpartum depression

There is no doubt: the birth of a child (especially the first-born) is a joyful, amazing event in the life of a family. And now, the young mother is waiting for a huge and all-consuming maternal love to fall upon her immediately after the birth. For some, this is exactly what happens. But how many of them, these "some"? Psychologists believe that no more than 20-25% of women in labor are able to immediately feel the fullness of love for their firstborn. What is it and is it normal?

I often met women who were perplexed: it would seem that they should have enjoyed motherhood, but the feeling of joy still did not come. I want to repeat that for many love comes only with time. Three things can help here: in the first weeks of his life, and the support of loved ones.

A paradoxical situation - a desired, perhaps even a long-awaited child is born, and the same woman who previously strove for this so much begins to suffer and reproach herself for the fact that she ...

The fact is that women experience pregnancy, childbirth, and the onset of lactation in different ways. Some people may experience a severe emotional breakdown. It looks like this: next to it is a healthy full-term baby and loving husband, many relatives and assistants ready to provide any assistance. There is an apartment and everything you need for the baby, there is also enough money. It seems that everything is in place, but it’s impossible to rejoice ... What a joy there is - tears flow like a river, frightening her husband and grandmothers! But the woman herself is the most terrible and bitter of all. Some are seriously afraid to approach the window or the balcony, before uncontrollable thoughts now and then come to mind.

But plot number two: there are no tears at all, but a woman who has recently given birth is annoyed for any reason, while her discontent pours out literally on everything and everyone. The saddened husbands sigh: "A child was born, and it was as if she had been replaced!" For some time, the patience of loved ones is enough, then the spouses gradually move away from each other, and subsequently, if proper measures are not taken, it inevitably happens.

Finally, picture number three (combined): bursts of violent activity are suddenly replaced by depression, depression, crying and irritation over trifles. At the same time, a woman is seized by complete lack of will, she does not have enough strength even for the simplest daily activities. She thinks of only one thing: how to live another day, how to hold out until the evening, when the child finally calms down? Anxiety overwhelms for any reason:, "Does she overfeed the child?",.

What to do?

What advice can you give pregnant or breastfeeding women who don't want to fall into this trap? What can you recommend to their family members, who often feel powerless?

If the described conditions become intense, do not go away within two to three weeks, and the situation only worsens, consult with specialists - a gynecologist, a homeopathic doctor, a psychologist, a psychotherapist and a breastfeeding consultant. All these people, as a rule, have a wealth of experience and can easily distinguish clinical conditions from normal ones.

If the state of affairs does not seem so catastrophic to you, refer to simple and proven folk ways. Let's briefly list them.

Tips for husband and father:

• Use the "food support" method. A caring husband should often buy delicacies that his wife especially loves. It’s great if at the same time he manages to set the table beautifully.
• Remember that childbirth and feeding are the most serious tests that radically change emotional condition young mother. She may well become more tearful, sentimental and touchy. This is the other side of breastfeeding mothers' well-developed intuition, the price they have to pay. And they need intuition in order to foresee the desires of a baby who cannot yet speak.
• Often women after childbirth begin to doubt their physical attractiveness. Dispel these doubts in every possible way - with words, flowers, deeds!
• Do not forget that the vast majority of women understand the language of gifts.
• Most likely, your wife will perceive the bin or washed dishes taken out on time as a sign of love and care. Women really appreciate help with the housework and see it as a manifestation of the most sincere feelings.
• One of the signs of postpartum depression is the complete cessation of marital relations. Be especially careful and delicate when resuming them. Sharpness and pressure will inevitably work against you, and the creation of a romantic atmosphere and any kind of foreplay will work against you.
• Try not to perceive the baby as a rival who completely captured your wife's night and daytime attention. Seeing the care and tenderness for the child on your part, the woman is more likely to return to the role of a loving wife.
• For a nursing woman, the cry of a baby is a signal of paramount importance. Hearing his squeak, she instantly turns from a wife into a mother, and it is absolutely impossible to keep her.
• Do not be afraid to be alone with your baby for a couple of hours. Let your wife get some air more often: after wandering around the city a little, she will return cheered up and much more energetic. Do not put a young mother in a cage. Even in gold. Encourage her communication and facilitate it.

Tips for wife and mother:

• It is known that women who psychological preparation to childbirth, are less prone to postpartum depression. This is partly due to the fact that they have a much better idea of ​​what awaits them. Therefore, if circumstances permit, be sure to attend at least a short course of relevant classes.
• One of the biggest comforts for mothers going through postpartum depression is knowing how common it is. According to statistics, two out of ten women experience severe depressive states and another four out of ten experience short-term mood swings. It turns out six out of ten, that is, more than half! Agree, it's a lot...
• If you feel sad and lonely, do not hesitate to talk about it and ask your husband, friends and relatives for help. One of the proven remedies for postpartum depression is communication, and preferably not by phone, and even more so not via the Internet!
• Even before giving birth, you should tell your husband about what the "postpartum blues" are. You can offer him to read a relevant article or chapter from a book for new parents.
• Remember: if a husband is not ready to discuss your conditions with you, this does not mean that he treats you badly! Many men are generally reluctant to discuss both their own and other people's feelings.
• In no case should you lose shape, stop taking care of yourself, comb your hair and dress up. While the child is still very young, there is no time, no strength, no desire for this, and then it gradually becomes a habit. This is one of those addictive, depressing habits. No robes! A nursing mother should be cheerful and fit, even if she doesn’t feel like it at all!
• "Shopping Therapy" is a proven tool in the fight against postpartum depression. It is useful for a woman to go shopping and buy something, because often after giving birth there is an irresistible desire to change the entire wardrobe: color preferences change dramatically, I want to experiment with new styles. A change of clothes is a symbol of renewal. This is what you can and should afford. beautiful clothes- an important factor in harmonizing the condition of a woman who has recently given birth.
• Take every opportunity to do postpartum gymnastics or any sport. Movement is a powerful cure for depression. In addition, the feeling that you are in a normal physical form in and of itself is uplifting.
• Even in winter time must be spent outdoors for at least forty minutes a day. Ultraviolet rays prevent the appearance and development of depression.
• A constant companion of postpartum depression is anxiety. The woman begins to doubt that she is a good mother and does everything right. This anxiety should be countered by the formation own opinion on the development and upbringing of the child. At the same time, you should be well-versed in various points of view about clothing, vaccinations, complementary foods, sleep and wakefulness, and other topics of paramount importance.
• Be sure to get a few books on motherhood and find a highly qualified pediatrician, homeopath and massage therapist. Communicate with more experienced mothers at least on the Internet. In general, take a responsible approach to creating a supportive environment for yourself. You must certainly be surrounded by trusted and reliable people, ready and patient to listen and give competent advice. Only your husband and mother cannot do this. It is necessary to form a social circle that would correspond to your new status - the status of a mother.

Work at home?

For many women, the opportunity to start working a couple of months after giving birth, of course, at home and, most likely, at the computer is the best remedy fight postpartum depression. It is worth taking the time to prepare such an option in advance. If you manage to get distracted and switch your attention from time to time, you can be more comfortable with the inevitable difficulties associated with raising a baby. In addition, by maintaining your social status, you will strengthen your self-confidence. However, the daily work of the mother in full load mode in the first two years of a child's life is a risk factor for its development. It is better for the baby to spend this time "at the mother's skirt".

Travel and trips

Can I travel with an infant? If your child is ok, then yes. I know a lot of families who went with small children almost on round-the-world cruises and were satisfied.

However, it should be borne in mind that babies do not tolerate short trips very well. When thinking about such a trip, it is necessary to carefully plan the logistics in advance and be aware that all the hardships of children will be repaid to parents a hundredfold. Primarily, we are talking about the violation of the child's sleep and changes in his needs.

You should be especially careful with air travel, because the child will not be able to tell you about some of the problems associated with them, while their consequences will negatively affect his further development. For example, children with increased intracranial pressure should not fly until at least a year, or even up to two years. In this regard, you should consult with your pediatrician in advance. In principle, it is possible for kids prone to overexcitation to travel, but neither they nor their parents and nannies will enjoy such a pastime.

Remember that the period of adaptation and addiction in infants is two weeks. A child can benefit from a trip only if you go on vacation for a month or a half.

Photo: Sergey Ivanyutin

The birth of a child, as one of the heroines of this material put it, is comparable to “a spacewalk without insurance”: it has acquired a set of fine clichés and frightening prejudices and predictably causes feelings in new parents ranging from delight to horror. The appearance of a baby - a continuous holiday or a nightmare? Is it possible (and is it necessary) to manage everything and not deny yourself anything, even if you do not have a million rubles and nannies? How to be a good mother or father, but not overdo it? How to build your comfort zone when everyone around you has an opinion and a ready set of tips? In the end, is it worth saying goodbye to the usual way of life forever? We asked several families who had children not so long ago about how the appearance of a child changed their life, habits and worldview and what turned out to be the most interesting or most difficult.

Dmitry, Zhenya and Anna

ANNA
PAVLYUCHKOVA
36 years old, managing director of Afisha Picnic, on maternity leave

DMITRY SMOLIN
37 years old, programmer

ZHENYA
9 months

All children are very different, but for some reason, few people warn about this.

I can hardly believe that there are people whose life has not changed since the birth of a child. This is either cunning, or the child from the very first days is imprisoned in a dense ring of nannies and relatives. Even clinging your teeth to the old way of life and adjusting the child to it, and not vice versa, it is impossible to deny the changes - at least at the level of feelings. The birth of a child is an incredible, crazy event, a full flight into space without insurance. Although, of course, to give birth or not to give birth is everyone's personal choice, and such a scenario has no right to be imposed either by society in the broadest sense, or by the inner circle, by the mother or the pope.

Expectations and myths are the main enemy of any young parent. “Well, now you’ll forget about sleep”, “At first everything is simple, and then colic!”, “It’s nothing, and then the teeth will go!”. All this forms a field of fears and doubts, as if without it it is not scary and not nervous. In reality, everything is simpler and more complicated at the same time: all children and all problems turn out to be very different, but for some reason few people warn about this. Zhenya and I are extremely lucky. Sounds like a boast, but it's actually more of a sigh of relief from a poker player who's hit the missing ace on the river. While we were waiting for what would happen now, like with friends - getting up at 5 in the morning and the song was over - she slept until 12, sometimes until one in the afternoon. Colic was shorter and less traumatic than anything I've heard about them. But there were moments that no one predicted that really made me worry: a three-day breast boycott immediately after birth, an almost six-month absence of the necessary Pentaxim vaccine in the country, a two-month correction of incorrect foot adduction with the help of plaster “boots”.

Of course, our regime has changed, but I can't say that it's dramatic. For example, now we watch a movie not in one evening, but in two. But the most amazing thing is that in 80% of cases I get enough sleep. It can be said that the changes are rather associated with the long-awaited emergence of the regime and systemicity. Many people talk about the lack of communication with friends and socialization in the first year after birth, but we have never been avid party people and prefer to cook dinner and nest on the couch with a movie or a book. The evening is the time when you can’t run away from the child and leave it to no one, and Zhenya can only go to bed with her breast so far (and she doesn’t recognize expressed milk from a bottle). However, all the first months of her life fell on the dead season by the standards of concert life in Moscow - she never had to bite her elbows.

Perhaps the main challenge for me was the refusal to work. Throughout my pregnancy, I struggled to imagine how I could let go of these reins. It was difficult: having gone on maternity leave on schedule, for a whole month before the “Picnic” I continued to stubbornly plow out of the house for several hours, although the cases were transferred to reliable hands. As a prevention of congestion and bedsores in winter, she joined a small project of friends, which ended just a couple of weeks ago. However, I do not plan to return to work for at least the first 1.5 years.

Traveling is another casualty of the new status and new life: it used to be possible to travel somewhere several times a year. Before pregnancy, Dima and I closed the gestalt by driving around the western United States by car, and on these May holidays we finally broke the pause with a road trip through Italy - now the three of us. Even for experienced travelers like us, this is a level up and a new wonderful world, where you have to eat in the “fall-wrung out” mode in the restaurant, and sometimes listen to Italian operas performed by your daughter in the car.

What has really changed in life is the attitude towards the inability to control everything. Failures in even the most built system are inevitable, and it helps a hell of a lot if there is a person nearby who can catch you and replace you before you feel like a terrible mother and a monster. In this sense, I was also wildly lucky with Dima (in general, it turns out that I was very lucky) - we have a truly partner parenthood. A diaper is changed by someone who can this moment replace it. Three-hour bedtime is done in shifts of 20-30 minutes. Bathing before going to bed is my father's domain, because strong arms and a not so sore back, meals during the day are my mother's, because for five weekdays a week, my hand will be full of falling with a spoon of porridge even into a bicycle wheel between the spokes.

But all changes, big or small, pale in comparison with some new, fourth dimension of reality, which opens up with the advent of a child. Watching 24 hours a day for a child to know the world and himself is exciting and like reading a good detective story with dashing intrigue. The joint experience of what is happening with a partner makes you a little conspiratorial, a little crazy and becomes a trigger for some new sincerity in a relationship: everything levels out the worst colic, sleepless nights, a year without a vacation and the fifth pause in watching a movie in an evening.

With the advent of a child, you often want at the same time
both speed up and slow down
passage of time

Does life change with the advent of a child? Yes, a lot, no doubt. But to be afraid here, as they say, is too late. Well, or early, if the children are still only planned. In any case, it is much easier for us than for our parents: in the century disposable diapers, disposable diapers, washing machines and dishwashers in every apartment, multicookers, radio and video baby monitors and widespread home delivery, the appearance of a child adds not so much, in general, and many new worries. All this, however, does not increase the amount of free time in any way - it simply makes it possible to free your hands from everyday life to the maximum. And all the free time one way or another is taken by the child.

“Preparing” for the inevitable changes in life, in my opinion, makes little sense: both changes and new discoveries here are different for everyone. For me, the most unexpected difficulty so far, probably, was the splitting of time into small segments of no more than a couple of hours. The rhythm of your life adjusts to the “piecewise” rhythm of a child’s life, and this is certainly logical, but before Zhenya appeared, I didn’t even think about these rhythms and the inevitability of constant changes in context.

However, I won’t be surprised if in a couple of years I will miss this ragged rhythm - the most unexpected discovery for me was that with the advent of a child, one often wants to speed up and slow down the passage of time at the same time. “It would be quicker to see how she has matured” - and at the same time, “let her not grow up longer.”

Xenia, Aglaya and Ilya

KSENIYA TUNIK
22 years old,
motion designer

ILYA BUZINOV
24 years old, motion designer, animator

AGLAYA
1 year and 2 months

Decree for me is an opportunity to exhale and look around, understand where to move on

My pregnancy was unplanned and happened in a rather stressful period of my life, when I had to constantly be torn between work and study. Until the sixth month, I studied, and worked until the eighth - so I didn’t really prepare in any way, I just thought that I could finally rest to my heart's content (haha). In general, I have never seen myself in the role of a young mother - and now I think that it is still better to be financially successful first. Decree for me is an opportunity to exhale and look around, to understand where to move on, especially now there is a good reason to think faster. So I don't regret anything.

For the first two months after giving birth, I was sad and hard: my head was full of various nonsense, it constantly seemed to me that the baby and I were interfering with everything, that the stroller was wrong, that everything was wrong, and the whole subsequent life seemed suddenly completely hopeless. It's even funny to think about it now. We continue to meet friends, go to exhibitions and events, even more than before the birth of Aglaya. Previously, this constantly lacked the strength and time, now the desire to diversify everyday life wins.

I manage to find time to study computer graphics, but, of course, I would like more. Most of all I miss work. Here, one after another, materials about cool working mothers are published, the image of a modern heroine with a baby and a startup is, of course, my unattainable ideal. So far, I've managed to intercept only a couple of freelances and make a clip for a friend. So we have Ilya as a breadwinner.

It seems to me that the appearance of Aglaya strongly rallied Ilya and me. A child is not always easy and joyful, but Ilya's calmness and patience help us cope with all difficulties. Thanks to my family, I am learning not to whine and not get angry, and these sins terribly interfered with me even during work and study. But no matter how much you read or write about parenthood, everything will still be different for you, it is impossible to imagine all this wave of new feelings, thoughts and anxieties falling on you.

If the child appeared
a year or two earlier
i would be horrified

I have always lived with the idea that I will have a child, but sometime in the gray future. Although I always liked young parents: when children are twenty and parents are forty - almost one generation and views. Actually, that's what happened. We did not plan a child, but to some extent I was ready. If this had happened a year or two earlier, I would have been horrified, there were no skills, no profession, and I’m not talking about the moral side.

For me, first of all, the material issue was important, since we are not Muscovites and my upbringing does not allow me to sit on the neck of my parents. For a long time they didn’t tell anyone about the child: I didn’t know how friends and relatives would perceive all this, I was a little afraid (as it turned out, in vain - everyone provided such great support, I didn’t even expect it), they wanted to arrange everything, and then announce the news. A neighbor in the hostel for a long time did not understand why I was looking for an apartment - I said that I was just tired of living here. When I told my mother (and said on the phone) that Ksyusha was pregnant, at first she did not understand what we were going to do, and when she realized that we had decided to leave the child, she was delighted.

In general, the birth of Aglaya really concentrated me on business, before that I had no idea about time management, my work does not imply a clear schedule, and I could get up at 11 am or 2 pm, not like now. The child in this regard is very tonic.

Mark, Hanna and Vika

VIKA BOYARSKAYA
29 years old, cook
and journalist

MARK BOYARSKY
31 years old, photographer

HANNA
11 months

I was worried about how Mark would feel about Hannah. And now, when I see that he really loves, it's just space

The appearance of Hanna for us is one hundred percent planned and long-awaited story. During my pregnancy, I read dozens of books on parenting, health, parenting, development, and the psychology of children. For me, diving into the topic turned out to be addictive and enjoyable, and it is still a huge area of ​​​​my interest. And yet I was preparing for the birth of a child as the end of my life. I was sure that I would not see the white light, I would constantly want to sleep, it would certainly be difficult for me to carry out the routine chore of caring for the baby, then it turns out that motherhood annoys me in general, I will not be able to combine it with work, I will start myself, my husband will not like me, I will fall into postpartum depression, we will not have enough money for food and diapers - in general, I seriously considered all the terrible scenarios at once. And I was also very afraid that the baby would be born and for some reason I would not love her at first sight.

But everything turned out differently. The first morning after Hannah was born, I looked at her and had tears in my eyes, she was so pretty. I could not understand why people do not give birth to children in a row non-stop. So she said to Mark: “We immediately, urgently need more children, I’m not enough for her alone, it’s too cool to stop.” By inertia, I continued to wait for something to go wrong and torment to begin. But Hanna slept, ate, slept again, put on weight, learned to smile. When she was three weeks old, we went to the Afisha Picnic and hung out there all day from start to finish. I couldn't believe we got a "gift" baby. Of course, we had sleepless nights, and rises at five in the morning, and the hated fireproof three extra pounds are still with me, but I can say for sure that I have never been as happy in my life as now, when we have Hanna.

As for work, everything turned out quite well for me too. A few years before I got pregnant, I changed careers, leaving journalism for the most part and working as a chef at Delicatessen. During pregnancy, this business had to be abandoned: it turned out to be too hard to stand the whole ten-hour working day on our feet, besides, Mark and I wanted to spend a few months before Hannah arrived in Asia, to travel together for the last time. Therefore, I returned to writing - this skill of mine brings enough money. I would no longer work full-time for anyone but myself: firstly, it is too important for me to be close to Hannah, and secondly, I think I am already ripe for some more personal professional history.

With the advent of a child, an interesting thing happens: I call it to myself “the third eye opened”. This is the first time I've encountered the fact that you can have a feeling for someone absolutely intuitively. Partner, favorite work, friends we choose as adults thinking people, loaded with their ideas about the world, logic, common sense. You see a child for the first time, and some unreal avalanche of feelings covers you, dictated by hormones, instinct and something else that the mind does not influence at all. In this state, you begin to look at other aspects of your life in a completely different way, you learn to listen to precisely these intuitive sensations, to recognize them both in relations with your husband and at the moment when you take on some new project at work, and just when you walk down the street. For an ultra-rational person like me, it's like an inoculation, the body receives a dose of intuitiveness, and some other level of perception of reality is triggered after that.

I was worried about what kind of father Mark would turn out to be. I had no doubts about his responsibility, that he would help and try, that our family would remain a priority for him. But she could not know how he would feel towards Hannah, whether he would love her. And now, when I see that he really loves, it's just space. I am very lucky that Mark gives me the opportunity to rest, while I do not feel any psychological discomfort, leaving Hannah with him. We share all the responsibilities for caring for her roughly in half. I feed and put to bed, just because I can do it easily and quickly, Mark walks, plays, gives me the opportunity to work or mind my own business and not think that something can go wrong.

I am alien to the idea that you can somehow arrange so that life does not change in connection with the appearance of a child. Firstly, why then do you need a child at all, if parents strive to make sure that he does not strain as much as possible, does not affect the usual course of things? I have a very good attitude towards childfree: I think that people who do not go on about the agitation to give birth, pouring on us from every iron, as well as those who do not “have” children simply because the “clock is ticking”, are honest with themselves and people who are capable of sensibly understanding life. I see the essence of love in change, overcoming, in refusing to think only about the needs of your ego. I really think that parents should give the child the opportunity to cry at night, hang in his arms, demand attention non-stop - and give him all this, because otherwise he simply will not be able to grow up healthy and happy.

We have lost the opportunity
to be alone and have not yet found a way to compensate for this

The birth of Hanna changed our lives very much. Everything, except for my work, has become different, even if you can formally call it the same words - from global things, like trips abroad, to a basic joint breakfast.

The pregnancy was planned and long-awaited. We wanted to have a baby for a long time and ended up doing IVF. We also went to courses for young parents, and prepared the house, and bought furniture. Almost all the key decisions in the choice of things related to the child, I entrusted to my wife. Because he knew it was important to her. And I preferred to simply not form my own point of view, so that later there would be no unnecessary disputes.

I can’t speak for my wife, but I will speak for myself: it turned out that the things we were preparing for, in practice, are very different from the idea of ​​​​them. Without experiencing physically those feelings that fill you when every morning you see a little man next to you with a fluff on his head and wide open eyes, it is impossible to imagine them. Read about it at least a hundred times. And when you hear a child's voice for the first time, and when a child grabs your finger with a pen and just laughs. It's all very exciting. These are joys. The same goes for fatigue after several months of early rises, the inability to go to the cinema together, not to mention a party with friends, and what's there - lie in bed on Sunday morning and watch a series. This is sometimes sad.

We almost stopped going to the country for a whole year (it’s not comfortable enough with the baby), I abandoned running and exercising in the morning (the latter is my own laziness), choosing a direction for a trip abroad, we start from where it will be comfortable with the baby (then eat baby). But the saddest thing is that we lost the opportunity to be together. And, alas, I cannot say that we have found a way to compensate for this. On the contrary, if possible, I try to unload Vika, and she me: we get up in the morning to have breakfast in turn and at least once a day we go for a walk together with our daughter, giving the second one the opportunity to sleep or just be at peace.

I knew a lot in advance: that my wife would be at home with the baby, that I would try to help her walk, and that I would like it. What I didn't think about - so this would actually become my only personal time and replace my running. Well, yes, I could not expect that all meetings with friends will now turn into a discussion of children and running after them, for talking on serious topics and friendly chatter, only messengers on the phone remain. If I was for Last year at any night / evening events, then only at work. I am lucky that the work gives such a variety of opportunities to broaden my horizons and not have a routine.

Our parents come to play or take a walk with their granddaughter on average once a week for a couple of hours, they are active and busy with us. In general, we are the only ones dealing with Hannah. Everything suits me, although I would like my wife to trust our grandparents more. And that they show more confidence in what they do with it.

Probably, I am not inclined enough to introspection and reflection to give a good answer to the question of what I realized / discovered in myself, in life, in relations with my wife. I have always been at home and family, even with friends I preferred to sit at home, chat and play board games or watch a movie, rather than go to a noisy party. It hasn't changed. I AM happy man. I've felt like this for many years. I really appreciate and love my wife. She is a wonderful mother.

Of course, like any parents, we made mistakes, but it's too early to judge them - our daughter is too small. The only thing I would definitely change is my first night alone with her in the family room of the maternity hospital. I was afraid to pick her up and left her in a transparent plastic cradle. She slept quietly or just lay, and I looked at her in the dark, but did not take it.

Ivan, Kostya, Anna and Grisha

I still remember
that helplessness that you feel when two children cry and want to be held, but you have to choose one

My pregnancy was very desirable and came almost immediately after our wedding. I found out that I was pregnant on the day I received a passport for a new surname. After a while - that there will be twins. It looked like this: I went for an ultrasound scan to a stern uncle-doctor, who first told me horror stories, then looked at the monitor screen for a long time and gloomily and eventually asked something like: “Do you want a child?” "Very," I replied honestly. "And two?" And then, of course, I burst into tears. I always dreamed of twins, but I never thought that this could become a reality. Then I read a lot on the forums of mothers of twins that, having learned about twins, they experienced conflicting feelings: joy, horror, fear, and anxiety that they would not cope. My feelings were so unequivocal that I don’t even know if I ever experienced such pure joy in my life as at that moment.

Throughout my pregnancy, I felt like I hit the jackpot. I was pregnant, and even with two children. It seemed to both me and my husband an unreal success and a reason for great pride. Although I was diagnosed with the rarest and most dangerous type of twins, accounting for only 1% of all multiple pregnancies I remember my pregnancy as a very pleasant, meaningful time. I understood that it would probably not be easy for us when the children were born. My parents live in another city, my husband's parents work a lot, we ourselves then lived in one-room apartment. But all these thoughts, oddly enough, did not interest me much. People often say that pregnant women become stupid, stop noticing the world around them, but I think that there is some kind of program laid down by nature in this. I wanted to endure and give birth to my children healthy, except for this, then nothing bothered me at all.

Did I have pink glasses on? Probably. Although even now I cannot say that I experienced some unrealistic difficulties that would make me treat it differently. The most difficult thing was, of course, that there were two children. I coined the term "detjuggling" because I still remember the helplessness you feel when your two little kids cry and want to be held, but you have to choose one. Fortunately, this period passed quickly.

Before the birth of my sons, I somehow did not think about how I would distinguish them. I chuckled softly as I read about mothers painting with greenery or tying colorful strings to distinguish between identical twins. In fact, it turned out that this is really not easy, especially when you sleep little. This gave rise to a whole series of jokes in our family: “the main thing is not to feed the same thing twice”, “in the dark all cats are black” and “their own mother cannot distinguish”. There is also this professional joke about the mother of twins who screams to her children: “Whoever you are, stop it immediately!” That's pretty much how it all happens.

After the birth of children, both the husband and the parents helped a lot. I seem to have avoided postpartum depression mainly because everyone tried to support me and gave me the opportunity to be alone when I needed it. Of course, my husband and I were going through a new period of grinding, already as parents of two children. They say that it is especially difficult for men in the first months after the birth of a baby, because a woman’s love for children is biological, largely due to the hormonal background, while for men it is social and really comes much later. I think this is true, but Vanya was involved in this process as much as possible. FROM early age he was not afraid to be alone with them. When I returned to work, our children were 1.5 years old, and we even thought about taking him maternity leave and sat with the guys for a while. We later abandoned this idea, but I'm even sorry. I think he would do well.

Perhaps my only disappointment was that motherhood doesn't provide any answers. In the depths of my soul, I was sure that motherhood would reveal to me some new truth, a new me. In fact, I just got two people whom I love very much and who I want to take care of. Of course, some priorities have changed, but all those questions that I had for myself, for life, for the universe remained unchanged, they were not resolved in any way. There are even more of them.

Now children for me are first of all joy, and then responsibility, fatigue and everything else. People without children sometimes ask where I get my strength, although I rather think about where those who don't have children get their strength. It seems to me that life without children is very boring. Yes, there is cinema, wine and dominoes, but in essence it is all very monotonous. I think that in a person's life there are not too many truly deep experiences, even fewer of them are positive. Of course, children take a lot of energy, a lot of time, but in return they give something that is difficult to describe in words.

There were times when I waited to go to work to relax. At the same time, after work, I still wanted to return to the children as soon as possible.

For a long time I tried on the role of a father and modeled different situations, so the birth of children was natural for me. Preparing for the fact that you will have little sleep, there will be more expenses, responsibilities and all that. It was difficult to understand what exactly to prepare for: if with one child it is even more or less clear, then the twins introduced uncertainty. It was difficult for me to realize, for example, that we would be so deprived of mobility. If earlier my wife and I could break loose and go somewhere next weekend, now each trip is planned for six months.

I guess I fully realized that life had changed only 5-6 months after their birth. At first it seemed to me that all changes were temporary. It was as if some lovely, but very noisy relatives came to live with us. Soon they will leave (more precisely, they will grow up a little) and we will live as before. It seemed to me that this "as before" is generally possible. Children made me more careful about my decisions, about my plans. My relationship with my wife, it seems to me, has become more conscious, although at first it was difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that now most of the love and attention goes not to me, but to the children.

I had to sacrifice personal time and personal space. There were moments when I looked forward to going to work as an opportunity to relax. However, after work, I still always wanted to return to them as soon as possible. I think I began to appreciate Anya more, her dedication, patience, initiative. She constantly stirs up water, inventing different activities and traditions for the family, and this acts as a bond. In everyday life, of course, new habits have also appeared. For example, we started watching series. I used to think that TV shows were for housewives, but with young children, this is the perfect opportunity to relax and switch in a short time.

Looking back, I wouldn't have done anything differently. It seems to me that my full time as a parent has not yet come. Small children still relate more to a woman. A man can only help or not help her. Only now, sleepless nights are finally becoming a thing of the past, and little by little children are beginning to speak, to explain their desires. I think that when they grow up, when it will be possible to communicate with them, to teach something, I will realize my fatherhood in a new way.

Cyril, Plato and Irina

IRINA SIETLOVA
28 years old, doctor

KIRILL SIETLOV
26 years old, comedian
and producer
"Evening show"

PLATO
1 year 4 months

During the night awakenings of the child, we worked
as a team of special agents:
every movement, half-glance - all in a single bundle

Two years ago, two weeks before positive test for pregnancy, I signed a contract that involves studying and working in Germany for seven years. Tickets were bought, a letter of resignation was written, documents for a visa were collected. The decision to move was not easy, and the news of the pregnancy was shocking. My husband and I thought that children are not about us now, this is after dissertations, buying our own housing, in years! Now it seems to me that we easily made the decision to abandon the move and surrender to the flow of change. The pregnancy was easy and wonderful, I worked in the hospital almost until the birth and collected compliments. We traveled a lot that year, walking, hugging, breathing every day.

In recent weeks, we have postponed purchases. We were warned that almost everything needed was donated or given away. Turns out it's not about us. There were no young parents among our friends, so we bought almost everything ourselves and with great pleasure gave away a whole car of dowry to our pregnant friend not so long ago.

There were no specific expectations, we were inspired by books for young parents and were ready to catch and enjoy every second. It seemed to me that the first months would be devoted to getting closer to my son, in fact they were also about getting closer to my husband. Cyril was very helpful and supportive. During the night awakenings of the child, we worked as a team of special agents - every movement, half-glance, everything in a single bundle. When the child was two months old, I was admitted to the hospital (he hit me with a finger in the eye and injured the cornea), my fantasies that in spring and summer we would walk in the parks, and I would breastfeed the child in the shade of apple trees, were dispelled. Kirill spent two weeks with a two-month-old baby, causing amazement of our parents and destroying stereotypes about dads running away from screaming babies. He says that he is even glad that it happened, and he suddenly became closer to our son Plato.

We had to move from the city center, where we lived in a pre-revolutionary house on Chistye Prudy: Platon developed a severe allergy to a fungus that lived within the walls of the house. We ended up in the hospital again, and then in a rented apartment. On the first evening in the new house, I burst into tears: everything was alien, it looked worse than at home. Day after day, while walking in new places, the area began to settle down, there were new corners. I exhaled and surrendered to the changes, and they surprisingly began to happen: Kirill began to walk to work, our wonderful friends settled nearby, who soon also had a child, we began to spend time together even more often.

I had to forget about the order in the apartment, especially in recent months. Previously, we were supporters of a minimum of things - and now we are rapidly acquiring them. There is less time, many things can no longer be done spontaneously: go to visit late in the evening, go to the cinema right now, sleep through half a Sunday and have breakfast at about four on Pokrovka - we used to love it very much. We try to invite friends to visit, although many offer to meet in the center in the old fashioned way, but with a one-year-old child who is actively exploring the world, small cozy cafes with dense seating are minefields. In general, the frequency of meetings has fallen.

My husband and I have become more empathetic towards each other, he has a project that takes a lot of time, and sometimes the only day off, and I am very proud of it. I spend almost all the time during the day with my child. Cyril sometimes lets me go to the gym in the morning, unfortunately, these trips happen much less often than we would like. When Plato learned to sleep through the night (at about five months), I went to work in the hospital. Now I am on duty at night and on weekends, if there are calls. At this time, Cyril remains with Platosha.

Everything that concerns the care of the baby, we know how to do and do both. Sometimes parents come to visit us, we can go to the cinema or just be next to them, excitedly playing with their grandson. Now Platosha has become even more active, and ideally I would like to regularly order cleaning and farm products home. We used different services several times, but so far we cannot afford it. I think that we will soon review the costs and implement it, the comfort is worth it.

If I could go back in time and change something, then I would definitely have less confidence in outpatient pediatricians. Unfortunately, often their recommendations contradict each other and modern guidelines. So I had to educate myself, and my medical background helped a lot. Other than that, motherhood is a wonderful experience.

Pregnancy has become a super project for me, which forced me to mobilize

When it suddenly turned out that we would have a child, I was very scared. It seemed that he would put an end to our entire quiet classy life. Ira had no doubts at all that it was necessary to give birth, but I never doubted Ira. Therefore, he closed his eyes to fears and, together with her, stepped into all this, as if into a new, exciting journey. Somewhere it is not clear where, without money and documents.

It's one thing to accept and love the idea of ​​being a dad. And another thing is that the child does not fit into your current budget. Pregnancy was a super project for me, which forced me to mobilize. Before her, I was a freelancer. He got up late, he could go somewhere with stand-up, he was among the most frequently performing comedians in Moscow, or he could shoot something on camera or watch TV shows all day. My little money, together with Irina's income, was enough for us to live on. But in such a world, there was nowhere to embed the child, so the world had to be rebuilt. From a leaf, I began to turn into a pebble. For the first time in my life, I went to work, which I have to go to every day, and a salary appeared. There was less free time, and I had to prioritize: where I definitely want to speak, and what can be neglected for the sake of time with Ira.

What was surprising was that these changes were first perceived as sacrifices in favor of the child. Over time, it turned out that these were not sacrifices, but positive things that raised the quality of life. I now have a fabulous job at the main Russian production company GoodStoryMedia, thanks to which I open up as a comedian from new sides. The prospect of having a baby didn't just move my career, it created my career. All my current victories and successes - projects on television or club parties - would not have been possible without the birth of Plato and Irina's support. This growth culminated in my own Kirill Seattle Tonight Show, which has been a dream of mine since I started doing comedy. A couple of years ago it was like the moon before him, and now I am surrounded by a real film crew, a team of enthusiasts, we are doing a television-level project.

I've always been good with children, but I've never been particularly fond of them. While waiting for Plato, we began to look closely at the children on the street: how old, what character, what hair, eyes, what he can do. First, you disassemble the children into parameters, like mobile phones. But the farther, the more you understand that your pie is sitting and will be in your stomach. And these children are also someone's pies, and they should all be washed, fed and loved. And adults are just adults, but also someone's pies. This gave a huge charge of compassion, sympathy, tolerance and the desire to understand people of a different age, gender and anything else.

Anna Krasnova
25 years old, TV journalist, photographer

Pavel Krasnov
25 years old, organizer of the poetry movement "Readers"

Demyan
6 months

I used to dream of jumping
with a parachute, and now I catch myself on what appeared
desire for self-preservation

After the birth of Demyan, I waited a long time for a catch: when the promised “tyrant” from the prophecies of others would take away all my free time and sleep. But that didn't happen in the first week or six months later. Perhaps we were just lucky: the son is almost always “on zen”, he can independently think about great things with the air of a philosopher, and at the same time he does not always need an army of others who hoot over him and shake rattles. But perhaps this is not just luck: I noticed a direct relationship between the nervousness of parents and their children.

Demyan is a pleasure to deal with: if he cries, there is a reason for that. There are not so many of them at this age yet - you can quickly guess what's the matter. The most important change with the advent of a child is the feeling of being in life. Parenthood has significantly affected both thinking and instincts: if earlier I dreamed of skydiving, now I catch myself that caution has appeared, a craving for self-preservation. Yes, I would not have taken this step so easily as before (I immediately felt ashamed of cowardice, but realized that, on the one hand, it was fear, on the other, love and you should not be shy).

Now I feel that my husband and I are a family, and not just a couple. And as if the birth of a son, and not a daughter, awakened in me a greater understanding of my husband. And in general, it seems as if, in general, men as a species have become more interesting objects for observation for me: I look more closely at boys of all ages, observe what they are interested in, and, as it were, spy on the opposite sex, imagining that one day my son will grow up. Relationships with their parents also deepened. I increasingly understand that my mom and dad were also young when they had me, just as confused and inexperienced, and that they gave and still give me.

We are lucky to have grandmothers. They are ready to sit with Demyan almost always, so we feel quite free: it was on maternity leave that I began to shoot many times more and devote time to creative projects. This is also because time is now worth its weight in gold. You spend less on Facebook and more on what really matters. I believe that in raising a child without healthy parental egoism, nowhere: after all, only with your active example and life position can you really influence him. This teaches him independence and creates partnerships.

We recently returned from Georgia: we went there when Demyan was four months old. The son perfectly endured the trip and all types of transport. Many do not risk going to public places with their kids, for example, to a cafe, but we found an excellent solution: most often on a trip, Dyoma hung out right on the table, lying on his stomach next to khachapuri - this is how he felt part of the general movement, was not capricious and caused other visitors have only the most tender feelings. Many believe that it is pointless to take children on trips, they say, they still don’t care where they kick their legs, as long as their mother with a secret weapon is nearby. But I completely disagree with this. It was during the trip that he had several breakthroughs in development, and upon his return it was not enough for him just to walk on the site. Demyan clearly got a taste and began to demand changes in the landscape, a great greed for impressions awakened in him.

With all our openness with Pasha to adventures with Demyan, we understand that there are all sorts of no-go-zones where it is inappropriate to go with children. For example, we were at Bosco Fresh Fest and saw a lot of parents with prams (these are the ones in which completely newborns move). But given that in such a place the basses were torn chest even to an adult me, is it worth saying what a newborn baby experienced?

Time has become less
but we have become so much more
appreciate it, plan it, try to carry it out
use it

The birth of a child is a very emotionally charged event, probably the most vivid impression of my life. Therefore, it is extremely difficult to describe it in words, like first love or space flight. All friends began to ask endlessly “how is it?”, but any most detailed comment will not allow you to feel “how it is” in reality. Therefore, I freed myself from long stories and, answering this question, I usually look into the eyes, smile and say: "Cool."

I found the biggest changes first of all within myself. You begin to feel yourself in a new way, priorities change, there is an understanding that there is such a cool guy (son) who doesn’t take out at all without parents. The paternal instinct instantly sprouts from your depths, becomes a part of your personality, pushes you to defend and steer questions. You immediately think: “Wow, I didn’t know that I turned out to be such a ... dad.” With the birth of a child, the circle closes. The first years of life a person spends unconsciously, he seems to miss his birth. When you become a father, you have the opportunity to relive this episode and understand: “Yeah, that’s how it was, my mom and dad fell in love, hop-hop, spin.” You recreate the picture and understand a little better who you are and where you are going. In a relationship with a woman, an invisible knot is tied, the connection is greatly strengthened. You are now forever connected, it's cooler than a stamp or a general mortgage. Everything falls into place.

Time has become less, but we have become much more appreciative of it, planning, trying to spend it usefully. I organize concerts and literary parties, I am also involved in attracting investments, I have a free schedule. After the birth of the child, it became clearer, I have a better idea of ​​\u200b\u200bwhat I will do during the week. I know when we can go for a walk together, when one of our grandmothers will help (thank them!), and when it will be necessary to sit with my son myself.

I think we need to take it easy on the birth and upbringing of children. As my great-grandmother Yulia joked when I was born: “Why don’t we pour him a bowl of soup?” It is clear that we live in a progressive society and life is changing. On the other hand, there is really too much panic and paranoia around the topic of having children. The frenzied selfishness of people who are trying to prove something to someone with their child, to work out some of their complexes - that's what creates a negative background around this topic.

A child is a big responsibility, but you do not need to be a superman for this. You just need to love him. The child is yours creative project infinitely deep and interesting. Everything that I put into it, every smile, every story - it's not in vain. There is no need to be afraid of this, but it is worth preparing mentally.

They coped with diapers, survived sleepless nights and cutting teeth - and now, for about 40 years, they are again asking the question: maybe, once again, in the end ... Fear of old age, the departure of grown-up children from the family nest, new marriage What sometimes makes us start all over again?

Ludmila, 43, has four children. The eldest are 18, 16 and 13 years old, the youngest is a year and a half. Everyone has the same father. “Everyone around us gets divorced,” she says, “sometimes they get married again, and if children are born, then only in a new couple. And they look at us like Martians. It’s even funny: when my relatives found out about my new pregnancy, they rushed to congratulate me, as if this was an outstanding achievement.

However, for Lyudmila, the birth of a son became a matter of course: “The children grew up, and we finally wanted to give birth to another one, to experience this happiness once again. And I was also sure that it would be easier to raise the younger than the older ones.

keep youth

In just a few words, Ludmila expressed her longing for late motherhood. Desires, at the origins of which are the feeling of passing time, anxiety about approaching old age, the upcoming farewell to the opportunity to conceive and give birth, which we perceive as “motherly” femininity.

“The desire to feel young, to give birth again, to breastfeed, to take care - often this is what pushes a woman to give birth to another child,” explains psychoanalytic therapist Svetlana Fedorova. - Plunging into worries about him, she dreams of turning into a little girl herself, whom everyone cares about. She wants to experience a carefree childhood with her child, just walk, just play ... Then a kindergarten, school ... If you go too far in fantasies, you can imagine that life seems to start anew.

For many spouses, the birth of a late child responds to their desire to hold on to the passing time.

A small child is always there, unlike older children who have either turned into rebellious teenagers or are already living on their own. Stroking him, inhaling his scent, hugging him... He gives us the most tender, touching experiences and at the same time ends a large and important chapter of our life. Therefore, they called him in Russian affectionately and sadly at the same time - "the last".

He reminds the woman that time is running out, that menopause is near. He gives a chance to be a "favorite mom" a little more before becoming a "dear grandmother". It causes a desire to correct the mistakes that we, due to inexperience, could make with the elders.

“Perhaps we feel guilty in relation to older children that we paid little attention to them, were not enough good parents, - adds Svetlana Fedorova. “And then the desire to start anew, from scratch - to become ideal, correct and give more than last time, is greatly enhanced.”

“The main thing is not to turn such a child into a family idol, not to make him an object of worship, an eternal baby,” warns perinatal psychologist Galina Filippova. “He didn’t come into the world to touch adults and make them happy.”

"This is a new stage of life"

Alena Khmelnitskaya and Tigran Keosayan have two daughters: “Now it seems to me that our Ksyusha was waiting for something and therefore was not born earlier. Apparently, she understood that we needed time for something else ... The eldest daughter Sasha says: "My sister and I were born in different centuries." And it's true! The birth of Ksyusha for me is a new stage in my life, a fresh breeze. I feel a big difference in my feelings, although 16 years ago our first child did not appear suddenly, suddenly, as happens with young people. But I remember very well that the world around me turned upside down. Needless to say - after the birth of my second child, I entered the old rhythm of life much faster. But Tigran likes to repeat that after the appearance of Xenia, he understood something that he did not understand before ... But this does not affect his behavior in any way. He is a “holiday dad”: Ksyusha is very happy when she sees him. And the less often it happens, the more she smiles at him.

For men, the question of having a child is usually not so acute: according to the data of the FOM survey commissioned by Psychologies, they are noticeably less likely than women to have a child "out of love" and "for their own pleasure." “However, there are cases (and they are not uncommon) when the husband insists on a new pregnancy,” says Margarita Anshina, a doctor and specialist in reproductive technologies. “Perhaps, in his youth, he did not have time to experience the whole gamut of his father's feelings.”

Of course, men have a different view of the passage of time: they will be able to conceive in more late age. However, male fertility is also vulnerable: according to Margarita Anshina, in 30% of cases, infertility is caused by problems on the part of both spouses. But the very fact of the birth of a child gives a man a feeling of victory, confirmation of his strength and significance.

Lyudmila's husband, 44-year-old Boris, admits this: “Lyuda spoke about the child, but I didn’t think about it at all. We have three children, and as a father I have fully realized. But I love my wife and easily agreed to try. And now I’m even proud that the baby still appeared.”

But for 45-year-old Eduard, the father of 20-year-old Nastya and one-year-old Sonechka, it was not easy to decide. “When my daughter was ten years old, we parted, lived separately from each other for a long time, then united again ... When I learned that my wife was pregnant, I was even scared! But, of course, I couldn’t refuse flatly ... I calmed down only when we moved to new apartment, - in the old one we simply would not fit! ”

A child as a tribute to family traditions

The feeling of passing time is not the only reason for the appearance of the last child. There are other, deeper ones. Psychoanalyst Maryse Vaillant calls them "unconscious obligations." Family stereotypes, when, for example, mother or father grew up in large family and therefore feel that a family with one or two children is inferior. Or "an inexplicable desire to give new life to those who have already died, to give them offspring, to continue the race." Especially often such a desire comes after the death of a father or mother.

“The death of parents is a very difficult experience, which leads us to the topic of death in general, to the need to accept the inevitability of changes,” notes Svetlana Fedorova. - If we fail to survive the loss, mourn it, mourn for it, there may be a desire to immediately fill the void that has arisen with the help of a newborn. But the reasons may be completely different: for example, only after the death of a domineering mother is a daughter able to feel like a woman, to consciously walk the path of motherhood.

Sometimes the desire to have a child does not belong to us at all. Marina, 38, began thinking about a third child at the same age her mother and grandmother had their last children. She couldn't get pregnant, and it took a year of psychotherapy to figure out where the idea of ​​having a baby came from. It turned out that it was all about the need to catch up with other women in her family. “Realizing the reason, I refused the birth of a child and ... as if freed from a heavy burden!”

The argument “Older children are asking for a little one like that!” worries psychologists. Indeed, by presenting the future baby as a “family project”, parents shy away from clarifying their own desires. And they unwittingly shift responsibility to the children, which has nothing to do with them.

“Even symbolically, in no case should you “conceive” a child with your own son or daughter!” Maryse Vaillant insists. Adults need to figure out their own own desires and be responsible for them. “I didn't look back at my older children when I made the decision,” recalls 46-year-old Yuliya. “Luca showed up because his dad and I love each other, and his siblings have nothing to do with it!”

"My life is extended"

Olga and Igor Krutoy have three children - two daughters and a son: “I remember my feelings well after the birth of Sasha. An extraordinary feeling of flight... How did we live without it before? At first it was not quite easy, but now that she has grown up, I just enjoy the fact that we are together. I want to play with her, do homework, walk. I went to school with her like it was the first time.

When the eldest daughter Vika was born 17 years ago, I did not want to quit my job and fall out of active life for a long time. But this time I protected myself from everything and devoted a whole year to the child. I have become more experienced and wiser. And now I manage to correct the flaws made earlier.

I think having a second child with a short break after the first is quite difficult. If you do not rush, this event is saturated with completely different colors. I feel like my life is being extended. Igor was looking forward to our child, spent a lot of time with me during pregnancy, and the first year we tried to be together more often. Although when he found out that there would be a girl, he was confused - he wanted a son more. But now I’m even a little jealous of him: he loves Sasha so much!”

Can a child strengthen the relationship of a mature couple

It happens that parents of grown children suddenly realize that only joint care for them gave life meaning. And then they decide on another child to seal their relationship.

“Alas, this is not the best reason for having children,” notes Galina Filippova. - First, partners should resolve their personal difficulties, find in each other what will help them fully live the whole life that lies ahead of them. The appearance of a child after the spouses have “found” each other again will be much more appropriate.”

The situation looks different if the child is born to parents, each of whom was previously married. In this case, he turns out to be the firstborn in a new couple and serves as a link between the two families. Julia has a son and a daughter from her first marriage. The second time she married a man who had no children. She soon became pregnant.

“My husband wanted to become a father, but it never occurred to me to refuse him. Moreover, I really wanted to make him happy. Luke is now four years old. He is my last baby, the third of my children, the only son of my husband, the link that connects us.”

A late child reveals different feelings in parents, their “just good” relationship can be filled with love and warmth

But a man who already has the experience of fatherhood may not be ready to think about a new child. Leonid, 46, had two teenage sons when he met Anna, 38. “I perfectly understood that Anya would immediately want a child, she had no children! But I didn’t need this late fatherhood. I wanted a married life rather than a parental life.”

True, two-year-old Polina has already dispelled all his arguments and prejudices today ... But the situation is not always so easy. “People entering into a serious relationship in adulthood often feel insecure because of unsuccessful relationships in the past,” says Svetlana Fedorova. - It happens that they no longer believe in love and just strive to build good family relationships. But they believe that a good family must have children!”

A late child reveals different feelings in parents, their “just good” relationship can be filled with love, warmth and grow into something more. But they can also collapse - then the partners are disappointed and move away from each other. Of course, this risk must be taken into account.

“Only a child born in love can a mother “seduce to life”, convey to him all the power of her attraction to life,” recalls Svetlana Fedorova. In African mythology, for the birth of a child, the intervention of a third - a deity - is necessary. Maybe this third one is love itself?

"Everything fell into place"

Varvara Gornostaeva and Sergey Parkhomenko have five sons: “My life completely changed when I got married a second time. The situation was symmetrical: I already had two boys and my husband too. So we lived for six years and it seems that we have finally “grown up”. But the persistent feeling that this symmetry has no axis did not leave.

So the fifth child became such an axial center. Which, of course, was also a boy. He not only did not violate the usual way of life, but, on the contrary, made it much more correct. The appearance of Matvey resolved many psychological problems. After all, the situation was quite complicated: there were four children in the family, and there were not two parents at all, but four.

happy birthday common child somehow everything fell into place. Everything was cured. When a child appears at this age, you feel much younger. Here is such an instant rejuvenating effect.

The first days of a newborn at home: what should young parents be prepared for? Moms in the maternity hospital, more than anything else, want to return home with the baby. It seems that in the native walls everything will fall into place, it will be easier, easier and finally you will be able to sleep. But our plans do not always become reality. What can mom expect after returning home?

What will change first?

Be prepared for the fact that the hormonal background does not recover immediately after, frequent, excessive emotionality is possible. Of course, this is not always the case and not for everyone. In addition, the rhythm of life is changing dramatically, of course, for 9 months everything went to this, but now you have to wake up often at night, feed the baby, change the diaper, and sometimes entertain. The consequence of such a regimen is constant lack of sleep, which can unsettle the mother and affect her nervous system.

Of course, healthy sleep is a must, but with a newborn in the house and a lot of new obligations, getting enough sleep is not so easy. Therefore, first of all, prioritize, save yourself from things that you can do without, for example, ironing clothes or hand washing. Some duties, at least for the first time, can be redistributed, entrusted to the husband. Still, the baby is a common joy, as well as the joint concerns of two parents. Do not engage in everyday heroism, but in a free minute it is better to relax.

Why is he crying?

Many future mothers think that when the baby cries, they will not be able to understand what he wants. These are completely vain experiences, because over time you will feel the mood of the crumbs at the first “squeak”. Crying for a baby is a way to communicate with the outside world, otherwise he cannot get what he wants, so you should not take it as something abnormal. All children cry. The child can ask in this way, make it clear that it's time to change the diaper, he can be tormented, but then the crying will be especially strong and the baby will bend his legs. It happens that every day in the evening, the crumbs begin to cry, which nothing can calm down. This may be such a phenomenon as evening anxiety. Thus, the child gives an outlet to his emotions. Sometimes, in order to console him, his mother just needs to take him in her arms, hug him and walk around the room with him, but, most importantly, remain the most calm and balanced.

Breast-feeding

It greatly simplifies the life of both mother and child, but in the first weeks it may seem different. If you decide for yourself to breastfeed your baby only, then, most likely, at first you will have to make every effort to do this. To adjust, you need to apply crumbs to the chest very often. Sometimes, it will seem to you that the feedings do not stop and you do not have time for anything else, but this is only temporary. Very soon there will be enough milk and the regime will improve. Remember that breastfeeding also requires a drinking regimen. This is another change that awaits you.

home improvement

With the advent of the crumbs, not only the rhythm of life will change, but also the situation in the house. You have to arrange a nursery, a bed, buy a stroller and other accessories for the baby. It is necessary to ventilate the room more often, do wet cleaning, because the baby needs fresh and moist air. Of course it will appear new article expenses.

Tune in right

I would like to give a few more important tips young mothers. Do not tune in to the fact that motherhood is hard and overwhelming work. Of course, there will be difficulties, but with the right, consistent steps, they can all be easily overcome. Do not try to do everything on your own, no one can do it. Do not consider yourself a bad mother, if something is not done on time, no one has time to do anything, but in fact the most necessary is always done. Force anxiety out of your soul and enjoy motherhood. Do not hang labels and do not put stamps in your relationship with your child. Many mothers often repeat the same phrases about their children “he is whiny with us” or “she is a screamer with us”, etc. You should not say bad things about your baby or what you would not like. Why give unwanted or negative attitudes? Maternal mood and attitude is transmitted to the baby with breast milk.

A little time will pass and all doubts, confusion and uncertainty will dissipate. Moms always take strength from somewhere, at the right moment a second wind opens, the necessary skills and knowledge come, because nature itself has taken care of this.

Has your relationship changed since the birth of your first child? Many will answer this question unequivocally: "Yes". Indeed, the appearance of a baby cannot but affect the way of the family, the psychological atmosphere, the relationship between husband and wife, and other relatives.

After conducting a survey among women who have recently become mothers, I found out that most of them say that relations with the appearance of a child in their family have changed for the worse (55% of respondents), slightly fewer opinions are in favor of improving relations (35%) and a small part of the respondents said that relations had not changed in any way (10%). A survey among young fathers showed approximately the same picture: for the worse - 70%, for the better - 25%, did not change at all - 5%.

Do not rush to be sad, the third man in the family is not superfluous! This state of affairs is a completely normal picture. Let's take a look at the problem in order and start with the good.

Hooray! Now we are a family

We gave birth to our Artemka together, - says Anna. - I immediately noticed postpartum ward How my husband has changed! Tired, but happy, we cried ... My husband and I love each other even more. The kid gave us the right to be called a family! I read somewhere: if after the birth of a child you are not divorced, then love has settled in your house.

Our relationship has become a little better, - says Yulia. - We see each other's reflection in the child. When I see my husband working with a child, I love him even more. Although it seems that there is nowhere else.

The girls are absolutely right, a real family is when there is a child. A kid in which, like in a mirror, both mother's and father's features are reflected. "How your baby looks like daddy!" - the observant neighbor will say. "And handsome as a mother!" - the passer-by will confirm. Not nicer than words Because our children are extensions of ourselves.

Life doesn't go in vain if someone in this world says "mom" to you! This opinion is shared by modern psychologists. They note that motherhood has a beneficial effect on a woman in many ways. We become self-confident, as we have achieved self-realization in life; attitude towards life becomes more positive.

Scientists say that a woman who has a child becomes smarter... Due to hormonal changes in her body, the size of cells in certain areas of the brain increases, which has a beneficial effect on its work. Yes and myself Small child and caring for him makes mommy be smarter, more collected, find solutions in the most unexpected situations.

Beneficial changes in the body after the birth of a child are experienced not only by mothers. Fathers who take part in the upbringing of the baby are also changing for the better. For example, the work of the brain improves, especially those departments that are responsible for planning and memory.

Our husbands are also undergoing psychological changes. They are proud of their paternity, because it puts them in society a few steps higher. Young dads feel responsible for the baby, they try to earn more money to provide for the family. They are imbued with respect for their soulmate, especially if they were in childbirth.

The presence of a husband at childbirth brings couples closer together. But I would like to make a reservation that we are talking about such participation, for which the couple specially prepared, attended courses partner births consulted with a psychologist, if necessary.

Previously, it was believed that the upbringing of children affects the psyche of women much more than the psyche of men. But recent research into male experiences has shown that fatherhood affects men just as much as motherhood affects women.

The first serious test for a young family is the birth of a child. If you have been married for several years before having offspring, it will be easier to go through difficulties, but no one will give a guarantee for one hundred percent success either. As my small sociological study shows, a fairly large percentage of women tend to believe that the appearance of a baby has improved relations with their husband. This does not mean that there are no problems in their family at all, rather they are looked at from a positive point of view.

If we talk about relationships, then our relationship has become stronger, - says Maria, - my husband has become more courteous, because he sees that I'm getting tired. And I began to be more attentive to my husband, as I see how he strains at work for us. But at the same time, we feel a load on our shoulders, which is why there are "scolds" and misunderstandings, which were almost non-existent before. If we talk about life in general, then, of course, ours has changed dramatically! Well, maybe not so cool with my husband, but I definitely do! Count at home all day, there is almost no time for yourself, communication is minimal, sleepless nights, and so on. The birth of a child in a family is a great test, very difficult, but at the same time so pleasant ...

The birth of a child brought a lot of new things to our family, - says Sergey. - A lot, a lot of good, joyful and bright. But there are no less problems. I try to smooth out unpleasant moments, I understand how hard it is for my wife with a baby, she herself has not recovered after giving birth. I think that over time everything will get better, we will learn to live in a new capacity - as parents.

Parents who raise children together with a spouse have a lower risk of depression compared to those who raise children in, psychologists say. There is no doubt about this. Together it is easier to endure difficulties, the main thing is not to create them for each other.

If the crisis came

According to statistics, many couples break up in the first two or three years after the birth of a child. In general, every second couple undergoes a divorce. Why? After all, it would seem that the birth of a child makes the family complete. What is the reason for the misunderstanding between spouses? Maybe it's from excessive male pride or female incontinence? I don't think it's all that clear...

Relations have become just terrible, says Ekaterina. - It's not easy for me to talk about it and realize it, but our relationship is terrible. Whatever the day, then a quarrel, someone is dissatisfied with someone, and then they add fuel to the fire. To be honest, I sometimes think about, but then I look at the child and understand that I don’t want to deprive him of a full-fledged family.

After the birth of my daughter, my husband and I began to quarrel often, says Anastasia. - We have different views on the upbringing and attitude towards the child. We quarreled to the point that when Masha was one year old, we divorced. He already has another woman. I regret that I could not save my family ...

I remember that I used to wonder how it was: they got married, they were so happy, and then a child was born, and they parted, - says Alicia. I couldn't understand or accept it. Now I understand that the birth of a child is a family test for strength. I'm glad we survived it. Our relationship has certainly changed. The family has a new leader and at the same time the center of the universe.

First about dad

Here is how Uncle Benjamin Spock sees this problem and its solution: “In the depths of his soul, a husband may feel superfluous (as a little boy sometimes considers himself rejected when he finds out about his mother’s pregnancy). Outwardly, this hidden feeling manifests itself in irritability towards his wife, in desire to spend evenings with friends outside the home, in courting other women.At the same time, the wife is deprived of the support of her husband at the very time when she needs her most, when a new, unfamiliar stage of her life begins.

The great pediatrician of all times and peoples shows us that the period of the appearance of a baby in the family is difficult not only for his mother, but also for his father. He writes: “Coming to the maternity hospital to visit his wife and child, the husband does not feel like the head of the family – for the staff he is just another visitor… the husband plays mainly the role of a porter."

After such words, you understand your husband. Why and from what sometimes he behaves completely wrong. Resentment and jealousy simply speak in him, that now he is not needed, as if he had fulfilled his duty and is now free.

All the attention hitherto directed at the husband is now given to the child, - Pavel shares his impressions of fatherhood. - By the way, for girls the calling "MOTHER" is much more significant than "WIFE". Therefore, the husband fades into the background.

For the first six months, I couldn’t realize that in addition to my wife, I also had a child, ”says Arkady. “Then I had to take matters into my own hands. Of the sensations - immediately after the hospital, a feeling of gratitude. A little later - a small offense. Then the resentment went away. Once it became offended, it was necessary to raise a child.

Benjamin Spock suggests actively including the husband in the process of preparing for childbirth and caring for the baby. Spouses can visit a doctor together, go to consultations and courses to prepare for childbirth. If your husband wants to attend the birth, do not refuse him. You can dedicate the future dad not to all the sacraments of the birth of an heir.

For example, my husband limited himself to helping me in the prenatal ward, then I remained surrounded by doctors and obstetricians. After our baby was born and screamed, he was again invited to me, or rather, to us already ... The medical staff congratulated the newly-made dad, the midwife seriously talked about how the birth went, the pediatrician said that the baby was healthy and it was time to wash him, measure and wrap in the first clothes. My husband was invited to take part in the examination of our son, where he took the first photographs of the heir.

I never stop saying thank you to my husband for his support in difficult times. Then in the prenatal ward I really needed him: we sang, and puffed, and jumped when the fight was going on ... I think such an active participation in childbirth rallied us even more, set up further family life in the right, benevolent direction.

In the future, I also tried to involve my husband in caring for the baby. Sometimes it was purely symbolic, but very important for the atmosphere in the family. In the early days, the task of changing the diaper of our dad's little one was confusing, and this process dragged on. But over time, everything began to work out for him, this gave reason for pride in front of acquaintances and friends. He, like an experienced connoisseur, shared his observations of his son with mothers on the playground, taught the young and inexperienced, but, of course, in jest ...

And now about mom

A young mother cannot do without special attention and care. And the care of the husband should not be limited only to earning money. Kind words, a bouquet of flowers just like that, help around the house and in caring for a child - sometimes this is enough to keep a strong family.

“A husband must constantly remember that his wife is having a much harder time than he is, especially after returning home from the hospital. Her body has experienced fundamental physiological and hormonal changes. If this is their first child, then the wife cannot but feel serious concern. her huge nervous and physiological stress: In order to give a lot of mental strength to a child, she must receive increased care and attention from her husband, "- these golden words belong to our beloved Benjamin Spock.

The birth of a child in my family was definitely, and even very strong, - says Dmitry. - And here it is very important not to withdraw into oneself, but to speak out all the problems that arise ... An abstract understanding that during this period it is very difficult for a woman is not enough. And maybe I’m wrong, but it’s the man who bears the very responsibility that everyone talks about like that ... Only, as a rule, they talk about “responsibility for the wife and child”, and here the responsibility for those very relationship...

I must say, the men settled down well, - Konstantin argues. - A woman carries a child for nine months, then gives birth to him in pain, and then she wipes his snot, changes diapers, does not sleep at night ... I love and feel sorry for my wife. In everything I try to help her with the child, and not only in words, but also in deeds. If it were possible, I would sit at home with her and our six-month-old son. But the world is arranged in such a way that a man needs to go to work.

In addition to all other difficulties, one must also remember about the "postpartum depression" (or "baby blues syndrome"), which, like a bolt from the blue, falls on poor women after the birth of a child. It would seem that we should rejoice: here he was born, the long-awaited beloved baby! Healthy, cheerful: but no, a young mother is crying from something, sheds tears, gets upset. According to statistics, every tenth woman in labor is subject to deep postpartum depression, which can last up to a year. Most often these are women 25-45 years old.

Here you definitely need to be aware of the matter in order to safely survive a gloomy period. Doctors say that it's all about the unstable position of hormones, the restructuring of the body, and so on. But I know for myself that the very fact of the birth of the first child is the strongest shock for a woman. This has definitely never happened to you! Feelings, to say the least, impressive ... Hair stand on end from the experience. And I don't mean physical pain and fear, although it is also there, I'm talking about a psychological sensation. To show this world a new person, a real living person - that's the point! Here, not only depression, temporary clouding of the mind can be acquired.

Your first helpers in the onset of postpartum depression are your husband and loved ones. They must clearly understand the nature of your anxiety, causeless crying and fears. In no case should you scold and reproach a poor woman for being overly worried, twitching at every occasion and crying. Treat the young mother with understanding, if you can’t calm her down, then at least don’t escalate the situation yourself, keep silent once again ... Remember, this condition is completely normal, and it will pass soon.

At the same time, a young mother herself should not fall into universal sadness and grief. Try to control yourself as much as possible. If it is in your power, try not to take it out on your husband for a minor offense. Sometimes the fatigue accumulated during the day makes us uncontrollable, irritable, but this is not a reason to swear and quarrel with loved ones.

Expert opinion

We will entrust the summing up of today's conversation to a specialist Olga Vladimirovna Kuznetsova, a psychologist, a teacher at the Pedagogical Institute. A short blitz interview will unite everything that has been said today and will set you up for a cloudless future of family life.

Olga Vladimirovna, in your opinion, what is the reason for the family crisis after the birth of a child?

When a baby appears in the family, everything concentrates on him. Mom gives him her love, affection and care. And in this situation, dad can feel his uselessness. He may feel that he is forgotten and abandoned, he is given little love and care. And here the situation can develop in two ways.

The first way to develop relationships: a new "baby" will appear in the house. It is our dad who begins to "be capricious", or simply avoids the place where "he is now not loved." In this situation, the mother remains the strongest. The psychological situation in such a house is unfavorable. And for a baby, it is very important. Although he does not yet understand the words, he captures the intonation very well.

In general, in no case should a child be used for one's own purposes "to strengthen the family" or "to keep the husband." It is unacceptable to shift responsibility for your actions and mistakes onto a small, defenseless baby, to dump your problems on him. Only the spouses themselves are responsible for them, both of them.

The second way: a real adult self-sufficient man appears in the house, who looks at things sensibly, without illusions and is ready to be strong. He is helped by his love for the baby and for his mother, he understands that in this situation the baby needs more care than he does. Yes, and mom really needs his support and help. And in order not to be alone with himself or with his "abandonment", such a dad begins to HELP. And now, after a while, he feels that he is very needed, that he is very loved and expected.

In general, in life it is best to get rid of negative thoughts, starting to do something, and it is better to help those who need help. Inner satisfaction from the good done is the best medicine.

How to solve this problem?

There are no universal methods. Each family has its own problems and causes, each family is individual and unique. In difficult cases, it is necessary to understand each specific situation. In general, we can say the following: the birth of a child is a test for any relationship, and how family will pass this test depends on both the husband and the wife. If the relationship between husband and wife is built on love, mutual respect, trust, then such a test will only strengthen them. Loving spouses support each other without demanding anything in return.

Remember:

• if there was a quarrel between you, put yourself in the place of your spouse. Sometimes this is enough to reconsider the conflict and find its solution;
• do not swear with your husband in front of strangers, even if you are right. No strength to resist? Show your dissatisfaction silently with your eyes, so that only he sees. Women know how to do it;
• try to speak according to the "I-message" pattern. That is, express your claims in this form: "I think that you are wrong!", and not categorically: "You are wrong!";
• relatives and friends should not interfere in your relationship, impose themselves and indicate how to take care of the child, in the end, the responsibility for everything will fall on you;
• don't add fuel to the fire. Try to bring the conflict to naught as soon as possible;
• you too can be wrong, despite the fact that it is more difficult for you;
• this is your husband, and you yourself chose him, which means that there is something good in him that you love him for. Try not to forget about the positive aspects of your married life.

Anna Kuznetsova

Personal experience

Discussion

What bothered this Spock, that he is a great pediatrician ... a fool understands that there are others, they just cited his theory as an example ... a person who reads an article will not use it as a panacea ... this is one of the opinions and it has a right to exist. The essence of the article is to support young families and this is much more important !!! And the experts of Gipenreiter would take and write their article !!! Why be smart then ...

The article is good, but if everything was so simple. My husband does not want to be involved in family affairs. He believes that he earns money - and this is his entire contribution. The child is 1.5 years old. The hardest part is over. But nothing remained of our relationship with my husband. He doesn't want to help me. "Caring for a child is a woman's business," he says. I say help me, I have free time that I can devote to you. But he doesn't want to. Says let's get a babysitter. But that sounds like a threat. Because he would have hired a "nanny" for himself. (We had a dispute about how long I could hold out and not ask for a nanny). And I do not want a stranger in the house. My husband never loved me (but he didn’t cheat either, it seems to me), I got used to it and took it for granted. Now I feel sorry for myself. I live for myself and the child. I take care of my husband. But I would like to have a man in the house, and not a small child "playing all evening on a computer" who would share my worries and allow me to share it.

I wrote to sort out my life. And I'm not at all relieved that someone has the same problems.

You know, I read the reviews here and realized that everything here is about me. With only one difference: I don’t know why, but I had the strength not to give up, but to fight on.
After giving birth, everyone just abandoned me, to their shame, I slept 2 hours a day for two months. She did everything herself: washing, ironing, diapers, cooking, feeding, cleaning, walking, bathing, dressing, washing dishes, washing floors ... The list is endless! I really wanted to get divorced. The first insight was the words of my husband: "Stop pretending to be a mother-heroine!". I remember that I was terribly offended and did not talk to him for several days. If I didn’t have the strength to wash the dishes, I didn’t, and the mountain remained in the sink until the morning - my husband had to wash it anyway. Couldn't hang clothes, couldn't hang them, couldn't wash - didn't wash. And the husband himself began to delve into economic affairs - you have to live. If there is nothing to wear - you need to wash, hang up clothes. I began to actively involve my husband in taking care of the child, even if something didn’t work out for him, I praised him, despite the fact that I wanted to hit him with something heavy and scream. He began to bathe the baby, walk with him, change diapers. To help around the house: at first a little bit, then more. I began to speak calmly with him, and not scream as before, she said in an even voice that it was hard for me to do this and that, please do it! The struggle was not easy and is still being fought from time to time, sometimes I wanted to give up and give up everything!
And now all our affairs are divided in half, and not into purely feminine and masculine.
And believe it or not, I practically defeated a very demanding child (waking up at least 6 times a night) and a husband who, after the birth of a baby, became, without exaggeration, simply an egoist in the square!
The simplest problem is simply not to solve: get a divorce, pretend to be a victim of your family, a walking sense of duty, and so on. And you can take your will into a fist, and slowly (even a millimeter per hour), but surely move towards your goal - the creation real family where everyone supports each other, loves and enjoys being next to each other, and not watching TV alone while the wife turns inside out.
And yet, no one says that with a child it is necessary to stay at home within four walls, and go out only to the neighboring park. I began to feel like a person after we started visiting with the child, going to cafes and shops. Indeed, now much is equipped for wheelchairs, there are high chairs in cafes, wheelchair seats in shops, it is not forbidden to travel with a stroller in the metro. And about any infection: after all, we vaccinate children, feed them with breast milk (immune from the mother), you can not travel with children when there is a special crowd of people. Live and enjoy life, fight and you will succeed!
And in the end, I would like my review not to be perceived as boasting - like everything is super with me. This is far from true. Everyone has problems. But we must solve them and not give up. This is exactly what motherhood is given to women, because they are more attentive, patient and enduring than men (just don't be offended).

I would really like the author of the second post to read my review. It just so happens that I'm in a similar situation. only not in Ukraine, but here in Moscow. everyone has the same problems, and there are two solutions either to build or to break. Dear dskorr. you love. yes, and probably the wife too. after all, this is how they hatched !!! this is most likely the accumulated fatigue for the entire previous time from the moment of conception. Not even tension, but relaxation. You (I mean your family) bore, gave birth, cared for and cared for. all this requires colossal efforts on your part, material, on the part of your wife - life, a child. I don't appreciate which is harder. all worked. now the child has become a little more independent, you subconsciously feel that you already have the right and want attention to yourself. But it is impossible to reverse the situation and change your life in one day or night. You are ripe for change. this is a protest. In my opinion, we need to start working. Only you and your wife should come first, because we love the child. no matter how difficult your mater. position. get out and carve out time for two. through fatigue. hire a nanny for this role any will do a person you trust, even a neighbor, nothing will happen to a child in 1-2 hours. build your rest and entertainment together. and let the wife go to work. it will become more interesting for her to live, the burden of household chores will no longer be so burdensome, and it will be easier for you financially. you will simply have something to talk about, except for what your baby did new. And also find a family psychologist. Be sure to talk with your wife, she should understand what exactly is wrong with you. start helping her in everyday life, to the best of your ability and do not forget about small signs of attention (dinner, flowers, etc.) you need to work on preserving the family if she is dear to you. do not be afraid to give your love. and no one promised easy ways after birth . yes and strong families not just saved. Love and be loved.
and wish me luck. I really want to return my husband's love and live and raise my daughter with her dad.

Well, don’t be so pessimistic. Go out to the park on the weekend, where there are children’s attractions, watch the children of 3-4 years old - these are already independent individuals, it’s interesting with them !!! The first year is always difficult, a lot depends on the financial situation in the family and on the age of the parents, and of course, on the nature of the child. But everything will pass, the child will grow up and everything will be fine. Love and support each other, divorce is the easiest (

and what, apart from one pediatrician of the last century, no one else talked about these problems??? Somehow, in my opinion, this is not the most main man on this issue ... And "I-statement" or "message" does not imply the pronoun you at all. Nowhere. Not at the beginning of a sentence, not in the middle, not at the end. At least read Gippenreiter ...

You know, I want to give hope to desperate young parents. I know from my own experience that the 1st year is the most difficult. Then, believe me, it will be better. The child will be more independent, adults will be able to devote more time to each other, and the quality of relationships is also changing. Dad becomes interested in raising a child. Mom will be able to devote some time to herself. Good luck to all new parents!

Do you know what advice I want to give to married women who are about to have a baby? Divorce as soon as possible before childbirth, so as not to do it after. And unmarried people can only be envied: they will calmly raise a baby, and not twitch and sob at night because your husband is ABSOLUTELY indifferent to you, and the child, and your half-dead state. Well, of course, caring for one child is much easier than serving a husband as well. Or are you waiting for help from a man? Don't wait! The only one who can help a woman after childbirth is her mother, and if there is no such assistant, then you should rely only on yourself. Or try to save money and hire a housekeeper for at least the first months of a baby's life - unlike her husband, she will really make your life easier.

Before the birth of the child, I lived with my husband for 3 years, considered him an ideal partner, and I would never have thought that I would write such harsh and bitter reviews. But, honestly, after all that I had to endure, I dream of the fate of a single mother for my daughter. Why didn't I get divorced? And there was nowhere to go! As, indeed, so far.

And one more thing: one entertaining story on the theme of "children and husbands." One of my friends, to whom her husband, after giving birth, treated the same "attentively" and "reverently" as to me, decided to endure everything and forgive everything. But when the child was already 7 years old, the husband once came home from work and reacted with irritation to some problem related to the child, which his wife shared with him. Like, figure it out yourself! Then the wife immediately remembered everything that happened during these 7 years, and launched a frying pan at her husband. Pig-iron. It's good that he managed to hide behind the door, otherwise my friend would be sitting now. And so she just lost the door (she was pierced by a frying pan) and her husband. But if this woman regrets anything, it is about losing the door.

All the best to you, undivorced mothers. Take heart!

Once again, we quarreled with my wife ... I left her to spend the night at work. He drank beer (he is a non-drinker). Sitting. I'm crying, waiting for it to end. Where to look for help, how to deal with it. Found this article online. I felt better, even a desire to call my beloved, to talk heart to heart, in order to find a common mutual effort in the future and not bring relations to the "battle of Stalingrad." What can I say? If men read, I would like to reassure them in a purely manly way now, and support families who find themselves in a similar situation. Speaking about myself, the problem is complex, and for me it is on such a "scale" for the first time. I'm 20, my wife is older. The pregnancy was extremely difficult: three preservations, difficult childbirth, etc. particle). I love my wife very much, and with a "more-or-less" concept I reacted to the lack of sex during this period, and even more so with the difficult bearing of a child. A son was born. I am exhausted for days at work, plus studying. The wife has been at home since the first month of pregnancy, and to this day. After giving birth, the situation began to cover the relationship and our family like an avalanche. I began to hide from the "invisible horror", began to linger at work until the very end, to call less often. I became out of control. I am very happy, I have been waiting for and extremely happy for the birth of my dear son. But psychologically, this avalanche, this mass of emotions, was impossible to overcome. For a period of almost 8 months, the number of "times in bed" can be counted on the fingers. But not only that, it is ABSOLUTELY not what it was a year ago (although, I confess, a couple of times the two of us carried it great) ... The problem is the same - passivity, not a desire to have sex with my wife. In my heart - I understand everything. The son gets up several (or even all eight!) times during the night - changing the diaper, chest. I'm on the bed next to me - I suffer, I don't get enough sleep. In the morning - the son is like a swallow. Seven in the morning (or even six!) - games, mobility activity. It’s difficult for my wife, just like I didn’t get enough sleep. I - to work, son - to leave for his wife. She has all about all the time half an hour to wash and morning toilet. Breakfast - and until the evening meeting. She (I feel sorry for her as a human being) with her son herself is the whole day. Walking outside didn't make up for being surrounded by four walls for the second year in a row. In the evening - I come exhausted, I get a bite to eat and rest for a maximum of an hour. Time-evening to bathe and put the child to bed (the process is also at least half an hour) to sleep. And so the "system" works for a week. It turns out that I don’t see my wife (herself), she is constantly with the child. It's very nice! And I want to be with the child, to be with my family. But we are not TOGETHER with my wife, we cannot devote enough time to each other, we cannot relax. I DON'T HAVE IT. The only thing - this is after they put the child to bed - in a half-whisper dialogues in the kitchen, both sitting as "half-dead". Not with an evil eye, today I look into the prospect of a child growing up - I don’t see anything comforting for the two of us so far. The child will grow. More attention will be needed (our charm is already starting to use its first movement and literacy skills). Accordingly, we will also get tired more. The wife is going to work when the child is one year old (I can understand her - the cry of the soul from four walls and a closed world, mirror everyday life, etc.). But that doesn't change the situation either. Today, the thought that my family is no exception has cleared my breath a little... But there is no certainty that I will return home and the world will be different...
My personal proposals are meeting me from work on the street in a stroller, a walk (although I come with the last of my strength, but, slowly, talk, walk, the desire to be here together is stronger than physical capabilities). The second is if I come late and the walk fails - bathing the child together, paternal care, so that the mother can rest. Although these half an hour do not save a maximum, in fact. It may be necessary to reconsider the approach and pastime on the weekends. Indeed, to send my beloved wife for shopping, to the cinema, to the pool somewhere, or to come up with something else ... Thus, I deprive me (of us) of spending time as a "duet" that is very necessary, but I am sure that after a short-term release of my wife from maternal worries, when she can definitely think about something of her own (unlike when we are together, she thinks how to return to the child as soon as possible and did not start crying with her grandmother while we are shopping), this will provide her with at least a couple of days ahead with "restraint", when he will not be so annoyed with me because of fatigue, he will control himself and somehow be able to unwind in general. In general, what to say? You can write a lot and for a long time, everything is not easy. Will, balance, restraint, a set of patience, courage, strength, love, a boost of energy are needed. It is natural to try to use all this "arsenal" skillfully, and it is precisely when "an opportunity arises" (and not, as always, "the time comes") to completely discharge it either with a bath with foam, massage, relaxation with candles, or just hiding together under a blanket to hug and understand the truth of strong family love, which in fact is still undoubtedly present under the "avalanche of problems and worries" ...