First of all, let's remember the main components happy marriage or something to strive for.

Research conducted in the field family relations, reveal a number of factors that seem to be common among married couples who are highly satisfied with their life together.

An open expression of love and tender feelings.
- Common interests and values.
- Mutual trust and respect.
- The ability to give and take.
- Sensitive attitude to the needs and desires of each other.
- Relationships in which there is no desire to rule.
- Well developed sense of humor.
- Elements of the game, joint entertainment.
- Love for children and interest in their lives.

Consider the most common typical conflicts and possible causes of their occurrence.

• the inability of the spouses to listen and understand each other with concentration;
• inability to transfer attention during a conversation from one's own thoughts to what the partner is talking about;
• the absence of the desire of one or both spouses to meet each other halfway when considering and making a decision on any significant issue. If you are interested in marriage, then you are also interested in mutual concessions and the desire to negotiate;
• too big differences in the level of intellectual development, education, upbringing of both spouses, life experience;
• the decisive intention of one of the spouses at any cost to prove his case to the other spouse and take precedence over him;
• excessive confidence of one or both spouses in one hundred percent correctness, infallibility of their own point of view - which never happens, in quarrel two are involved;
• the inability of one or both spouses to compromise, flexibly, depending on the situation, change the strategy and tactics of interaction with each other, taking into account the prevailing conditions;
• the prejudiced attitude of one of the spouses towards the other, most often as a result of previous resentment or different temperaments. For example, one of the spouses or both spouses cannot calmly talk to each other, often get irritated, lose their temper. Or actions on the part of one of the spouses cause opposition, negative emotional reactions on the part of the other spouse;
• one or both spouses have such character traits that are unacceptable in dealing with people, for example, an insult to his human dignity, demonstrative disrespect for a partner.
• lack of similarity in the views of the spouses on issues requiring unity of opinion in the family, for example, in the distribution of roles in the family: in the question of who should be the leader, head of the family; in matters of education and upbringing of children; in matters of distribution of responsibilities in the family, for example, who should be responsible for what; in matters of relationships with relatives; in matters of organizing family vacations.

Also significant causes of conflict there may be insufficient awareness of the essence of the problem, underestimation of the significance of the problem, disbelief in the possibility of its solution.

As you can see, there are a lot of issues on which differences of opinion may arise between spouses, but it seems possible to agree on positions on all these issues, having achieved full mutual understanding.

Strategy and tactics for winning in a family quarrel.

• Be determined to find a compromise, mutual concessions. At the beginning of the conversation, choose topics for discussion that are relatively easy to agree on.
• Precisely, clearly, unequivocally formulate your claims. People can't read each other's minds and don't take hints. All or almost all must be called by their proper names.
• Avoid generalizations. Phrases like "your whole family", "you and your friends", "you never" or "you always" should not be present in the conflict.
• Try not to abuse reproaches and criticism. Express dissatisfaction, but do not act as a prosecutor, otherwise your spouse will have to become a lawyer from the accused. To start the proceedings, the phrases are suitable: "I don't like it when my husband/wife..."; "How do you think I should feel with such words?"; "It offends me when I see, hear, feel...".
• Talk about your reaction to your spouse’s bad deeds, and not about the qualities of his character. Replace the phrase: “You are a rude, inattentive, self-confident egoist” with the wording: “I need your tenderness, care, attention, and I get lost from rude words (explode, I get covered in spots, throw myself at people, turn into a vixen, become frigid, etc.).
• Do not remember past grievances and mistakes. Focus on this particular case. Human logic is this: if after that, a long time ago you lived with your spouse soul to soul, therefore, that case has nothing to do with today's quarrel. And if for some reason you remembered him, then now his fault is not so great. You were silent or calmed down then, so calm down now. And you started a quarrel because some fly bit you or you have nothing to do, and in general you have a terrible character. Remembrance of past sins diverts attention from the present event and gives the guilty party a chance to shift responsibility to another, that is, to you.Therefore, taking into account the peculiarities of human logic, make claims only in the present tense. And in the present tense, try to come to a compromise without delay.
• Do not call your spouse offensive words - this is inappropriate.You must have been told this in kindergarten. So listen to the wise educators. In addition to new grievances (this time your spouse), this will not work. In addition, your spouse also once went to kindergarten and probably also knows such words and can repeat them in response.
• Do not refer to the opinions and actions of other people. You have your own family, and "each hut has its own rattles," or, as the English say, "your own skeleton in the closet." And what your or his mother told you about his / her character, your loved one does not need to know at all.
• For women. Never, under any circumstances, hurt the manhood of your loved one with caustic comments.Men in this matter are very vulnerable. And you still have to live with him. So why do you need problems with his potency?
• Don't turn the conversation into a monologue. You are not on the stage, and your task is not to play a beautiful tragedy or drama, but to solve the relationship problem. Pause, take turns speaking, ask questions to the point. Allow the culprit to argue, explain and justify. If you do not let him open his mouth, how can he tell you that he was wrong, repents and asks you to forgive him? However, stop his attempts to reduce everything to a joke, to evade, change the subject, or make counter-accusations. Bring him back to the problem until you feel that he has actually realized his guilt and is sorry.
• However, do not delay the quarrel, be generous. Sluggish and prolonged scandal brings no relief. Mutual dissatisfaction with each other and an unpleasant aftertaste remain.

If you don't know how to negotiate, you will quarrel. How to learn to settle disagreements and contentious issues so that it is both quick, practical, and joyful? The recommendations are simple and clear, the difficulty is that without habit and training for the majority they are not very realistic.

Therefore, if you are an impulsive creature, live by feelings and do not know how to control yourself, then it is too early for you to read this article. First, grow up, learn to use your head after all and do what you need, and not just what you want. However, if you believe in yourself and are ready to learn - go ahead, you are here.

First - the most common things, some of them are needed. If this is no longer relevant to you, skip them and go to specific recommendations.

Speak. If you need something - do not be silent, tell about it. As long as you are silent, no one knows what you want. Do not rely on "he (she) must understand" - he will not understand until you say about your desires in a direct way and in plain text. This applies to both adults and children.

It's amazing - many times I had to deal with situations when someone in the family - more often children - does not talk to their parents, because they do not believe that it is possible to negotiate with them. And at the same time, parents are sad that the children do not talk to them, they are so closed ... There is no need to figure out who is right and wrong, it’s easier to still try to talk: it can very well work out. Will you try? But what if?

Don't be afraid to raise questions boldly. Many couples are afraid to discuss differences, thinking that this will inevitably lead to tension and conflict. But this is not so, the discussion of disagreements can be quite warm and friendly. For those who know how to talk, it's just another topic of conversation with a loved one - or a friend. Or just a respected person.

Raise questions when the situation calls for it.. If everyone is tired, angry, if we are in a hurry, if we have just had a fight, then the situation for discussion is unsuccessful. Wait. And even better - do something to make the situation calmer and kinder. Maybe you can go out of the house for a walk, many issues are resolved better during a leisurely walk. And one couple specially went to a cafe for important discussions - in public they spoke more calmly, without raising their voices, and this helped them to negotiate.

By the way, if during a conversation one of you suddenly got into emotions and ceased to be adequate, a very simple remedy helps: change your physical location. Sit down if you were talking while standing. Stand up if you were sitting. Turn around and go to the window if you were talking at the table. It seems like a meter to the side, only a different picture before my eyes - and the state has already changed, you can talk further. Try it, you'll be surprised how effective it is!

And be careful: before you sort things out, you need to check three zones: food, sex, sleep. That is, whether a person is full, whether he is sexually satisfied, whether he has had enough sleep. You can't talk about your relationship if one of you hasn't had enough sleep, is hungry, or hasn't had sexual satisfaction for a long time. In such scenarios, the conversation will be at least useless, and most likely harmful. Feed first. And - in bed! By the way, it’s better not to have difficult conversations in the bed itself, the bed should only be associated with sleep and something pleasant.

One question per discussion. If you raise one issue after another, jumping from topic to topic, you need to separately understand what you really want, but in this case it will not be possible to agree on a result.

One last thing: there are at least three different situations where close people discuss their differences, and these three situations are very different. And they need to act differently. Therefore, learn to distinguish:

1. You want to discuss a practical issue in order to create a common vision of how to do what. And what not to do.

This is the most typical situation, and we will analyze it below.

2. You want to discuss a theoretical question, and this question does not directly relate to your actions.

Sometimes we have some thoughts come to mind, and we want to discuss them. Or you hear from a partner such that you can no longer be silent, because it does not climb into any gates. And how to talk further?

3. You want to influence your partner to do (do) something else or in a different way, and not like now.

You can agree on almost everything, but not everyone is inclined to discuss, it is not always appropriate to openly discuss everything, and not everything is decided by discussion. For example, if you need to wean a person from a bad habit or accustom him to a good one, if you just need to draw attention to something, but distract from something, these are no longer questions of discussion, this is a matter of certain influences. See Marital Relationships: How to Influence Each Other

So, situations 2 and 3 aside for now, our topic is the discussion of practical issues, the resolution of disagreements that really concern our affairs and interests. The main recommendations here are as follows.

We follow intonations: we speak calmly, softly and thoughtfully. This is archival! If this does not happen, there will be no discussion. Therefore, our style is a friendly discussion: we each express our vision, listen to each other and look for options for the best solution for both of us. We don't push, we think. That is, we are following exactly this, and if someone got carried away, began to put pressure, speak sharply, harshly, categorically - it would be more correct to stop and correct the situation (ask: "Speak softer, please!"), But the discussion in this style should not be continued.

Some couples find it very useful to specially buy in the department store, in the department of children's toys, two Stuffed Toys, for example, a rabbit and a seal, to stroke them during the discussion. Kinesthetics work here: while you are stroking a baby seal soft hand you and speak in a soft voice. If you started to unscrew the seal's head - pay attention to your intonations and general mood, it is wrong. Get better please!

We look at the situation neutrally, from the outside. It is easier to negotiate if we talk about positions not "my position" and "your position" ("I want" - "you want"), but use neutral formulations "Position No. 1" and "Position No. 2". Just different views, no matter whose, and we analyze their pros and cons. And even better, if there are not two positions, but three or more, then it will be easier to choose the optimal solution.

Deal with territories. To deal with the issue of territories is to understand, we are discussing the question of whose: mine, yours or the general one? If suddenly there is a clear answer to this, then everything is simple and clear: If my question, I decide, if yours, you decide. And that's it. If the issue is general, in this case we are obliged to discuss and resolve the issue together. Ahead - negotiations.

We agreed on a time. If someone wants to postpone the discussion, he is obliged to indicate a reasonable time when the discussion will take place.

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​No categorical, privileges, emotions and difficult feelings. Categoricalness is disrespect for the partner's opinion, so we remove it. There are no privileges in honest negotiations, only logic. We remove resentment and any other unnecessary emotions. References to "this topic is painful for me" are not accepted, but we touch upon and discuss painful topics only when there is a vision of how the issue can be resolved. And get used to speaking briefly: you said your opinion - ask your partner: "What do you think?".

Without the permission of the other side, pressing, pleading, categorically declaring, getting upset and so on is not allowed in the discussion. Forceful arguments “Because I am a man!” are not accepted from a man, a woman cannot crush tears and insults, referring to her feminine nature. References to intuition, fears, forebodings and "any other decision will cause me inner discomfort" are not accepted. Also, conversations "Take me as I am" are not accepted: this is only legal on personal territory.

Talking about the past, we agree on the future. All discussions only make sense when they build our (your) future. Understanding the past is pointless in itself, it can be done only if and in such a way as to reasonably agree on the future.

The issue must be resolved. If it is not possible to agree, the head of the family decides the issue with his authority. It is a pity that now in most Russian families there is somehow no "head of the family". The head of the family has now remained, it seems, only with the Old Believers and in Muslim families, and disagreements are resolved there much easier. Three is enough simple rules: "Ask your husband", "Do as your husband said" and "Watch yourself, be careful." And the family is in perfect order.

If nothing helps, relax and understand that life goes on anyway, and this is the most important thing.

The decision to divorce is never easy. Even if you and your husband have hated each other for several years and instead of " good morning” you sing “so that you die.” And then one day the decision was made. Ahead are courts for the division of property, disputes over alimony, nervous breakdowns, quarrels over the child and with him, unable to understand why the people most dear to him will now live separately, insomnia and a clear desire to hire a killer for the “former”. All this can be avoided if you manage to negotiate with your spouse. So, how to get a divorce without scandals.

This is not about necessarily being friends after a divorce, this is already a personal matter for everyone. We are talking about a civilized divorce. How to get a divorce without scandals, without quarrels, tears and others right ways get wrinkles ahead of time.

At the negotiating table

If you cannot agree with your spouse on the terms of the divorce, the court will do it for you. And it’s not a fact that the court’s decision will suit you. Rather, on the contrary: it will not suit you or your ex. Think about the emotional side of court hearings: your dirty laundry will be rinsed by the judge and lawyers, and in addition to this, you will also be persuaded to reconcile. And, of course, the court is tedious, long and dreary, it's many hours of queues, it's the postponement of hearings - and the notorious three months to think about the decision that you made a long time ago.

So learn to negotiate. Calmly, in a businesslike way, as, say, with a colleague. Peaceful separation is work. And work for two. Say no to ignorance, accusations, claims, blackmail (e.g., "I won't let you see the baby if you don't provide for me until I remarry").

When talking with the former, you should not remember his mistakes, reproach him. He is no longer de facto your husband, but an outsider. So take him as an outsider. You wouldn't yell at someone else's man if he did or said something wrong, right? Hold back your emotions and ask him to do the same.

If it does not work right away, then wait a while. When the pain goes away, when maybe you calm down and realize that divorce is the best thing that happened to you in Last year(no matter how blasphemous it may sound, but it is often true), when you become indifferent to this person, then sit down at the negotiating table.

Note to the owner

First, define a common goal. Both you and he probably want the divorce to go peacefully, calmly and quietly, don't you? Then step directly to this goal.

1. Make a list of issues that need to be resolved in the divorce process. For example, child support, his further education (if the husband paid for college), the division of property.
2. Write for each question the answer that satisfies you. For example, on the issue of the financial component, you write “I have an apartment, you have a dacha.”
3. Determine the order in which the children meet with their father. What time suits you, the number of these very meetings, the opportunity for children to spend holidays with their father, and so on.
4. Remember if you have debts, loans hanging on you, if there are a bunch of unpaid receipts or fines lying around. It is possible that most of the things borrowed or on credit were needed by your ex. Therefore, now he himself will justly pay for all this.
5. If you still have common property, for example, a car or a country house, which you both will use, then write a schedule for use. Write only for yourself, not for your spouse.
6. Be sure to go somewhere to relax or change something in your life, whether it's work or part of the wardrobe. Get a dog or a new hobby. Let the changes happen before you start discussing your new relationship with your ex-spouse.

Invite your husband to answer the same questions. The points on which disagreements will appear (you will be surprised, but there may not be so many of these points), you will have to discuss. Again - at the negotiating table, and not in shouts and disputes, in which, contrary to the well-known saying, not truth is born, but only anger at each other. Listen to his arguments carefully and think about whether you are able to meet him halfway. If not, look for a compromise, a solution “in the middle”.

Agree with him what to say to the child about the fact that mom and dad are no longer living together. And also agree that neither you nor he should ever speak badly about each other in the presence of the child.

If you had a joint job or had a small business, discuss whether you are ready to work together further or not.

Often former spouses they cannot find mutual understanding because of the desire to do “out of spite”. As a result, negotiations are dragging on, but there is still no solution. To prevent this from happening, try to get rid of the hatred that you may have for ex-husband. Indifference is what will help you negotiate.

And don't blame yourself for the situation. Both of you are to blame for what happened, but looking back is pointless. Look ahead and do not forget to draw up a marriage contract before entering into the next union.

When spouses start talking about money, questions of opportunities and needs, trust and power immediately pop up. In many families, conversations about the distribution of finances are very emotional and without a peaceful agreement. About why conflicts arise when the topic concerns the organization of the family budget, what types of it exist, how to choose your own and come to a compromise, said psychologist, coach Natalya Alekseevna Kozlova.

Types of family budget

1. General

The classic version of family budget management, when all the money earned is put into one piggy bank and collectively divided according to the needs of the family. This is one of the usual, but risky options for organizing the budget, because the spouses lose their freedom, their personal territory. There are no funds for personal needs, hobbies, because first you need to agree with your husband / wife in order to get something for yourself. Spouses lose their individuality.

Another negative moment- a man and a woman become equal, from which harmony in the family can be broken. A man no longer has the traditional responsibility for his family, his wife and children. He does not need to perform part of his truly masculine functions as a breadwinner. And the woman, accordingly, partially takes them upon herself and either does not have time to fulfill her role as the guardian of the hearth in full, or overworks, trying to combine everything.

1. Separated

When choosing this type of family budget, each of the spouses keeps their income for themselves, while dividing household areas of responsibility among themselves. For example, one of the spouses pays all utility bills, while the other is responsible for buying groceries. A separate family budget may be suitable for couples who choose a modern partnership approach to relationships in which each of the spouses takes care of the financial condition of the family and competently manages personal funds, and is also ready to accept each other's personal freedom.

1. The entire budget is managed by one of the spouses

Such a budget began to prevail in families in the 90s, when there were quite a few men who began to earn a lot, and many women who lost their jobs. Because of this, the traditional understanding of the structure of the family has intensified: a man is a breadwinner, a woman is a keeper of the hearth. The man began to manage the family budget, allocating part of the funds for expenses to the woman.

In such a management of the family budget, there is a risk that a woman will not be able to be responsible for herself, for her family, for life, if, for example, something suddenly happens to her husband and he will no longer be able to provide for his family, as he was before. It is as if she withdraws herself from solving financial issues. When a woman does not participate in the distribution of financial resources, she has an illusion of dependence, it begins to seem that she cannot do without a man. Self-doubt appears.

And a man, in turn, who feels, even unconsciously, his power, may have a feeling of unlimited freedom and permissiveness. And you need to be mature enough individuals to maintain harmony and balance. After all, a healthy relationship is a sub-partnership, when the couple clings tightly to each other. This is a relationship between two adults. Yes, they have different roles, different physical abilities, but still they bear equal responsibility in relationships: for the family, for love, for life and the financial component too.

Another option is when a man gives his entire salary to his wife, and she already distributes the budget for the needs of the family. In such a distribution of the roles of men and women are blurred, an imbalance may arise. Earning, the husband fulfills his male role. When he crosses the threshold of the house, he becomes a child, resigns his male duties. The wife acts as a parent to her husband. She decides how and how the family will live. In order for a man to buy something for himself, you need to ask his wife for money, explaining what he is going to spend it on. Isn't that what we do in childhood, asking for money from our parents?

1. Equity

One of the most sparing and compromise types of the family budget, when the spouses put into a common piggy bank part of the amount of their income for utility bills, food and other family needs, and leave the other part of the funds for their personal needs. They do not lose their individuality and are always aware of the financial condition of the family. After the coaching sessions that I conduct, clients most often leave with exactly this solution: there are general and personal remedies. The family has a common and everyone has their own personal space.

From the point of view of psychology, there are no pluses and minuses in any type of family budget. The ideal option is one that suits both, which suits a particular couple. It is important to agree on the distribution of finances at the start of a relationship. Usually, when entering into a relationship, we talk about love, about the intimate side, but for some reason we miss the financial side, which later, when it turns out that the spouses are satisfied different types budget, can lead to quarrels that can turn into serious conflicts. You will have to negotiate again or discuss this topic for the first time.

Often a woman initiates such conversations, because this is our female role - to inspire, to speak, and the man is already making a decision. Before starting a conversation with your spouse about how your family budget will work, ask yourself the question: “How do I see this?” - and make a plan. After exactly the same question, ask your husband: “How do you see it?”. When you have two opinions, you will see what you agree on and what you don't. Then it will become clear and transparent what and how to agree on. In this way, any situation can be resolved.

Life hack for spouses so that romance is always present in a relationship

This life hack radically solves the issue of the need for gifts and what you really want.

Initially, this idea was actively used and is being used in America: before the wedding, in every store where they want to buy something for the home, for themselves, the newlyweds leave a list of desired gifts. Guests along with the invitation receive a list of these stores with addresses. When they come to the selected store, they choose a gift for the newlyweds from the list compiled by them, focusing on their financial capabilities and mood.

This same idea works great within a family. You and your husband (possibly with children) make lists of what you really want (each on your own piece of paper), and leave it at home in a predetermined place. Appears a great opportunity please each other for no reason at any time by choosing the gift that you or he has long wanted. It adds romance to the relationship by holding it together.

Another option is to make a list of what you can give and what you need and exchange for each. It doesn't have to be material things. For example: “I can: give an excellent massage, bake your favorite cake” and the like. Thanks to this method, the balance between giving and taking is regulated, the spouses suddenly realize what each of them brings to the family, to the relationship.