Our life consists of meetings and partings. The latter occurs for various reasons, and the most common of them is that marriage has become obsolete. It is difficult to argue with the statement that divorce is stressful for both spouses, that it is almost always accompanied by scandals and the division of property. Of course, there are exceptions, but you can’t call this a happy accident, since no destruction can be happiness, even when former spouses live better in new families. However, ex-wives, most often, turn to their ex-spouses for help in domestic matters, either out of loneliness or out of habit. How a man relates to this, we will talk in today's article.

High relationship or addiction?

Let's start the conversation with the very situation when marriage has become obsolete. It happens that spouses lose interest in each other. If there are no children in this marriage, if they have nothing to share, then everything is simple: they leave and everyone lives their own life. However, these are not all points of intersection of men and women. There are years that they lived together, there are mutual friends. You can’t offer friends the choice of “either me or her,” thereby embarrassing them.

If there was no great resentment during parting, if you meet your ex-wife on the street and at the same time do not experience excitement, if you are not tormented by memories of your life together, then it is quite possible to continue communication with her, but on a slightly different level. Over time, many former spouses are able to maintain friendly relations, well, or create the appearance of them. Rejoice for happy life"former" in a new family. Sounds like an idyll?

But, as a rule, it happens differently in life: one of the former spouses wants to quickly forget about life together and not maintain any relationship, and the second looks like a dog in the manger. Now it will be appropriate to recall the film “Pokrovsky Gates”, in which the ex-wife took care of her husband after her divorce, perceiving him as her property. Dear men if you realize that you have fallen into such a trap organized by your ex-wife, immediately run away, break off all relations. Indeed, over time, they will turn into a pathological addiction, which will certainly lead to depression. Do not pay attention to requests for help in everyday matters, there are professional masters for this. Remember that you no longer have obligations in relation to her and you are a completely independent and independent person.

Common children are the link.

Everything that was written above applies to families in which there are no common children. If you have common children, then with your greatest desire to never see your ex-wife, you won’t be able to say goodbye forever. Common anxieties, common joys you will have to experience together for many years. In this situation, it is necessary to try very hard to build right relationship, since one of the most important parental tasks is to create the greatest possible spiritual comfort for the child.

To begin with, place all the accents correctly. If a ex-wife continues to attack you with calls and requests, you need to understand that we are talking not only about household help, she wants you to come back. If your decision to live separately is unshakable, then you will have to talk frankly with her one day and call a spade a spade. And do not naively hope that the problem will resolve itself. Every time you agree to help, the ex-wife takes it as your desire to start over.

What could be worse and more dangerous than false hope? Talk to her calmly and firmly, outline your responsibilities in relation to the child, as well as your material contribution to its maintenance. Show her that now you have only a business relationship. However, do not try to start this conversation immediately after the divorce, when passions are still raging and spiritual wounds hurt. It's better to wait until things calm down.

What to do if the previous marriage is a hindrance to the current one.

As a rule, current wives get nervous and annoyed if an ex-spouse calls. Scandals begin, colored with jealousy, a woman is jealous of ex-wife her husband. And she, in turn, blames her rival for the fact that her ex-husband does not want to communicate with her. You can say at least a hundred times that forbidding a husband to maintain friendly relations with his ex-wife is a possessive demeanor that arises from insecurity in a relationship. The current wife does not prohibit it in plain text, but it noticeably annoys her. A smart man will do right choice between peace loved one and "high relations" with the ex-wife.

Again, it should be clarified that we are talking about those families where there are no common children. So that children, if any, do not suffer, you need to create new family dot all i's and tell your woman that she will have to put up with the fact that you will be in the same family and maintain at least business relations with ex-wife. If your current wife is sincere towards you, trusts you, she will most likely agree with you.

Similar situations happen in the opposite situation, when your wife continues to communicate with ex-husband. On the part of a man, it will be worthy to show that he trusts his half, at the same time, without hurting the feeling dignity. However, it is rare for a man to succeed. You should take a closer look at their relationship and make sure that everything that connected them is in the past, they are now rather relatives. Therefore, do not be nervous. And if you can’t cope with your emotions, then it’s better to tell her honestly about it. A woman, if you are dear to her, will certainly make the right choice.

Although they say that life is like a book, however, it is impossible to tear a page out of it. Even if it’s unpleasant for you to remember your family life, or you don’t want to see your ex-wife, but you can’t avoid it, try to build the right relationship with her and don’t give her the opportunity to manipulate you.

How to deal with your ex wife.

Be sensitive to divorce.

Of course, if people come to a divorce, then passions are heated, they irritate each other, and their differences are not resolved. That is, they both reached the boiling point. In such a situation, it is difficult to control yourself and not express your claims and opinions about your ex-wife aloud. In response, of course, you will receive the same thing, since she, too, has accumulated dissatisfaction with you. But it's better to speak up if this happens, if you've remained on friendly terms. If this is not the case, then you can contact a psychologist and talk to him. And postpone the conversation with your ex-wife for the time when the passions subside, and you will calmly treat each other, her shortcomings and your claims and insults.

This is especially important if you have children in common. It should be remembered that the absence of children is not an excuse for offensive words addressed to the spouse, for her humiliation. After all, once there was love between you. If your wife has changed for the worse as a result of your family life, then it's not only her fault, as a rule, two are to blame.

Do not immediately change one woman for another.

The desire to recoup for the grievances that your spouse allegedly inflicted on you is understandable. And many men sin by demonstratively changing their old wife for a new one. Moreover, trying to finish off the “former”, explaining his departure by the fact that the new wife is much better than her. And they are not even shy about voicing the dignity of the rival on points. Having lived several years in marriage, you, of course, know her pain points and weaknesses well. In this case, it is very doubtful that you will ever be able to reconcile with your ex-wife and, moreover, build friendly relations with her. I hope everyone understands that such behavior does not paint a man, rather, it looks like a manifestation of weakness of character.

To avoid such excesses, go to "nowhere". Even if your future wife does not have problems with housing, it is better for you to live alone for some time or with relatives or friends. Psychologists believe that from the moment of divorce to the public appearance of another woman in your life, and even more so, the creation of a new family with her, at least six months should pass. It is easier for women to accept and forgive the fact that she was abandoned because of “they didn’t get along” than the fact that she was exchanged for someone.

If your new passion does not understand your careful attitude to the feelings of your ex-wife and requires that you, at a minimum, pay visits to friends, relatives shared with your ex-wife, go to public places where she can see you. And, as a maximum, an immediate wedding, then you should think about her sincerity towards you. It is much more important for this woman to take revenge on her ex-wife for your secret relationship, for the hardships that she endured, than the fact that her man will experience peace of mind.

Pay attention to your wife.

It doesn't obligate you to anything. Is it difficult to wish your ex-wife a happy birthday or a happy new year, because you congratulate your friends. Or take care of your common child. You can take an interest in her child, born in a new marriage, call for no reason, just in a friendly way. You can highlight something good in your former relationship: some of her culinary masterpieces or a master's vein. Or, for example, ask her for a favor. Women are very hard to endure the emptiness in the soul. It will be much easier for her to recover if she feels male attention and care. In addition, a phone call is not a reason for her to believe that you have capitulated and want to return. And you find yourself in a win-win situation, since your ex-wife will not say unpleasant things about you to mutual acquaintances, and will not turn the children against you.

The most difficult thing here is to clearly explain to your current spouse why you continue to communicate with your ex-wife. You can explain this by the fact that you, as a decent man, do not leave to the mercy of fate the people with whom you have been associated for many years of living together. But it should be remembered that in no case should you go beyond friendly communication with your ex-wife.

Caution - female friendship!

It happens that both your wives (former and current) want to make friends, because they have a lot in common - you. As a rule, this can only happen if the ex-wife is no longer single, and she has a man, and she is happy with life. Where this friendship will lead, how it will affect your new relationship - this is a difficult question, the answer to which depends only on you.

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2 fears

There is me and one person close enough to me. And there are 2 of my "cockroaches" that interfere with our mutual understanding and communication. 1) I find it difficult to call him by his first name. Mentally I can, but out loud I can't. And by the way …

W Hello, dear visitors of the Orthodox website "Family and Faith"!

The general interest of the spouses is the key to a sincere and respectful relationship. When interests are different, or opposite, continuous disagreements are born.

Priest Pavel Gumerov, in the next chapter of the book "HE and SHE", entitled "Common Interests", raised a number of issues related to the topic we have touched upon:

What are the most common reasons for divorce?

Why are spouses who have come together to love each other unable to find a common language, topics, communicate very little?

What must the spouses have in common so that there is love, happiness, and common interests between them?

How can spouses find common interests that will bring them together?

Archpriest Pavel Gumerov

"AND The Institute of Family Relations in Los Angeles studied the circumstances of several thousand marriages. The reasons why divorces usually occur have been identified. So, in second place was: "Differences in opinion on how to spend your free time." That is, a mismatch of partners' interests. These studies were carried out for a long time, but I think the situation has changed little.

Why are spouses who have come together to love each other unable to find a common language, topics, communicate very little? Apparently they don't really want to. Men in modern society and the family is now very much divided. One poet called our time "an era of great dislike." Even families have appeared, and there are quite a few of them, where the husband and wife live under the same roof, but each has his own life. And at work, and on vacation, and even in terms of choosing a sexual partner. So they agreed. They call their marriage free and are very proud of their "high relationship". Their marriage is free from what? From love? Then what unites them? Shared housing? A husband and wife should have one soul, one heart, then there will be love, and happiness, and common interests.

You can often hear from spouses who have been married for a long time that they no longer have anything in common, only children. And the point here is not that people have already completely exhausted themselves as an interlocutor, they got to know each other inside and out and they have nothing more to talk about, but that they could not maintain, support the feelings that they had.

Or you can often hear: "The characters did not agree." So, I had to work on my character. Each person has his own temperament, his own characteristics. On the contrary, similar characters often interfere with communication. Imagine that both spouses have a hot, quick-tempered, emotional disposition. What firewood they can break! Or vice versa, both are melancholic, and also prone to depression.

Characters in general are very different, in one person both choleric, sanguine and melancholic can be combined. And spouses can have both similar characters and diametrically opposed ones. A man and a woman are generally drawn to each other because of their different polarity, like two magnets. By the way, people feel best and work in mixed teams. Especially women. There are a lot of internal problems and conflicts in purely female teams. Even in women's monasteries, the situation is much more tense than in men's.

But back to common interests. How to get them? Very simple. To find mutual interests, you need to be interested in the interlocutor yourself. Imagine that you are not a husband and wife with great experience, but do not know each other at all. What would you do to please, find a common theme?

Of course, we tried to find out more: how does your interlocutor live, what are his interests, favorite topics. He can tell you about this himself. In general, it has been observed that people are most interested in what concerns them personally, how they live. People are very willing to start a conversation on an interesting topic for them. And they only do what they love. It has been proven that labor productivity increases by an order of magnitude if a person works not just for money from call to call, but loves his job, it is interesting to him.

Some time ago I was building a house on a garden plot and was very passionate about it. And the most interesting interlocutors then for me were people with whom it was possible to discuss the quality of lumber or the features of construction and carpentry art. Thank God my wife is a very good listener. She meekly listened to all this, and we quite vividly discussed the construction with her, especially since it concerned both of us.

Do you remember in the movie "The meeting place cannot be changed" the operative Gleb Zheglov, in order to win over the witnesses, uses the "Zheglov's rules"? Here they are:

« 1) When talking to people, be friendly, always smile, people love it.

2) Be attentive to the person and try to encourage him to talk about himself.

3) Find a topic that interests him. How to do it?

4) Show a sincere interest in a person, delve into him, find out how he lives.

It’s hard, of course, you have to sweat.”

Of course, Gleb used these rules for his own purposes to get information. But by and large, these are generally the laws of good, friendly communication between people and not only spouses. I would add one more rule: "Know how to listen to the interlocutor and not interrupt him." We have already talked about the "golden rule" more than once. You need to be able to try on the situation for yourself: “Would it be nice for me?” I think everyone wanted to be sincerely interested in them, to talk to them about topics that were interesting to them, and to listen to them attentively. Only you need to do all this not in order to use a person for your own purposes, but for the sake of love for him, for the sake of the person himself. Kant also said that a person should always be treated as an end, and not as a means.

Speaking about the commandments that are given to us in Holy Scripture, in general, we can say that there are no special commandments for family people: "I behave this way with my half, but differently with everyone else." Everything that is said about peace with neighbors, about love, about moving towards each other can also be attributed to the family. The only paradox is that this can be more difficult to do. It is easy to love all of humanity, but it is not easy to keep peace and good relations with households with whom you are together 24 hours a day and who do not always make you happy.

Community of interests in marriage does not appear immediately. People need to live together for a while so that they have common themes. For example, before marrying my wife, I had little interest in music. So, something purred under his breath. And she, on the contrary, loves music, she graduated from a music school, a music school, and managed the choir. But after a while I became interested in this topic. I took up vocals, singing, a little mastered the guitar. All this, of course, not without the help of his wife.

A very characteristic, alarming sign of the beginning of mutual alienation is if the spouses are not interested in each other's life outside the home, family. That is, what happened at work, at school, just on the street. It has been said more than once that it is especially important for a man when his wife shows interest in his success. It can be not only a job, but also his favorite thing.

Of course, people get to know each other well over the years of marriage, and it is sometimes difficult for them to tell something new about themselves. But new themes are everywhere. Life does not stand still, boils and rages. General themes as much as you like: work, what happened at home, a new book or movie you read - just share some thoughts with each other, together it is much easier to find a solution.

One father complained to me that his teenage son did not love him, got out of hand, he could not understand him. Then I asked him: “Do you often talk to him, do you know what kind of music your son listens to, what games he plays, in general, what he lives with?” Then this dad said: “Yes, all this nonsense is not interesting to me.” Well, then everything is clear. Will a person, even a small one, love us if we show no interest in his inner world?

Each person is a microcosm - a microcosm. Any person, regardless of gender, age, occupation and social status, has something to learn, there is something to learn. If only we showed a sincere interest in him. And if we find out how he lives, perhaps his interests will not seem so absurd to us. Or, on the contrary, we ourselves can give something to him.

My grandfather Kudoyarov R.G., God rest him, was a professor of ophthalmology, worked with Fedorov, was a very well-deserved and respected person. He had one gift. With any person he could find a common language. Starting from a simple semi-literate collective farmer, whom he accidentally met on the train, ending with a venerable academician. He knew how to listen very carefully to the interlocutor, at times inserting his remarks very appropriately, and he himself was an interesting storyteller. How did he do it? He loved people. He restored sight to many people, he constantly helped someone, he had many friends. And people loved him. From every person he met, he could learn something, take something.

People whose profession is connected with the human factor just need to show love and sincere interest in a person. The famous lawyer Plevako was once asked: “How did you achieve such brilliant success in protecting your clients?” And he said, "I just love them all." Let us remember once again: a person is not a means, but an end.

The Apostle Paul (the apostle of the Gentiles) would never have converted thousands, entire countries to the Christian faith, if he had not shown interest in each specific person. But he had to communicate with both fanatical Jews and depraved pagans. He said: “For the Jews, I was like a Jew in order to win the Jews; to those under the law he was as under the law, in order to gain those under the law; to those who are strangers to the law, as a stranger to the law ... in order to gain strangers to the law; to the weak he was as the weak, that he might gain the weak. I have become everything to everyone, in order to save at least some.”(9:20-22). A person who is especially close to us is worthy of our attention. And it's only our fault that we can't find him common language that we have nothing to talk about with him.

Instruction

Your life has turned into the same change of scenery day after day, and you touch each other only during infrequent times or, colliding in the corridor, alas, you have become strangers. In this case, touch more often, at first it will surprise her, and then cause it, since tactile sensations cannot but cause slight trembling, tenderness and ... desire. Just don't overdo it! Touching does not mean strangling in your arms, you should very gently, and most importantly, unexpectedly touch the sensitive areas of your wife. Do not be angry if your half suddenly pushes away affection, then she has, try to show them a little later.

Offer to help your loved one. Take pity on her by saying that you understand how tired she is, because she works no less than you, so you want to help her in the kitchen. Women are enthusiastic about such manifestations of attention and help. They are respected, who do not see anything shameful in washing the dishes or vacuuming in the apartment. So go ahead and your wife will be blown away.

Give your wife gifts. After the wedding, most couples have a tradition to give each other only useful things, which are easiest to ask your chosen one. Thus, you kill the effect of surprise and awe, which is caused by mere trifles, presented by you without prompting. Don't stop giving her Stuffed Toys, and bring chocolate from the store, for which you will certainly be rewarded tender kisses. Otherwise, your wife will have the feeling that you give gifts out of a sense of duty. Remember that if a woman loves you, then the price of the gift does not matter, attention plays the main role.

Do not turn your intimate life into a technical process. Even if your woman is not very generous in showing caresses and is not very mobile, do not be upset. Give her pleasure with foreplay, show what drives you crazy, not embarrassed at the same time by violent emotions, seeing that she can control your feelings in such a way that she will certainly want to do it again and again.

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Useful advice

By applying these simple tips, you will not only save your family, but also wake up a volcano of feelings.

In order not only to maintain, but also to strengthen relations with your loved one, you need to appreciate your man, try to find compromises in delicate situations. Sometimes, in order not to lose a loved one, you need to change your views and behavior.

Instruction

Remove all reminders of ex-boyfriends. It is not necessary to keep in sight photos of the time when you were happy, but not with him. Put yourself in the place of your loved one. How would you feel if you found in a conspicuous place a postcard from his ex girlfriend with intimate text? It is also completely unpleasant for him to look at photographs and gifts from your former lovers.

Do not show all your sexual experience at once. Also, stories about crowds of fans will not do any good. You should not tell your loved one about how men looked after you, and what signs of attention you received from them. In addition, talking about the wonderful husband of your close friend obviously will not add spice and strength to your union. If you compare the qualities, advantages and disadvantages of your man with other members of the stronger sex, you will definitely lose your love.

Watch your punctuality. A man should not wait for you while you are getting ready. Agree with him on the exact time when you need to be ready, and start doing everything a little earlier to be sure to be on time. If you're meeting after work, finish everything on time, or just let them know there's a delay if there's an emergency. Do everything possible so that the man you love does not feel cheated, otherwise the meetings may become more rare.

Question: What does it mean that a husband should live in the interests of his wife? If, for example, the husband wants to go to one place on vacation and the wife to another, should the husband give in to his wife's wishes?

Most likely, a man marries a woman in order to spend time with her, at least most men do. This is one moment. Secondly, why does it happen that men get upset when they get married and find out that a woman has desires, she is not just a wooden doll like a nesting doll. Why can't we discuss and agree together? Whether you go on vacation where you want to go or go where she wants to, you still organize everything, you pay for everything, you still control everything.

The problem is, if you can't act like Stalin, then you don't feel like a man and you don't feel like you're in control. The men see it in such a way that he says "jump" and the woman asks "how high". It would be much easier for you to find this kind of relationship if you had served in the army all your life and remained a bachelor. Then you could feel that everything in your life is under control from the very morning until the very night. Although there will still be problems there, because there is always some kind of boss over you. Except if you manage to climb to the very top and become an absolute dictator. But even then we will have to be afraid of the modes of nature, some kind of political influence from outside, birth, old age, illness and death. Probably, all this rests on the fact that we want to be God, absolute controller and enjoyer. But, unfortunately, this post is already taken. This guy named Krishna occupied this place a long time ago. So I'm afraid you'll have to put up with it somehow.

And besides, strange as it may seem, the Lord interacts with His devotees according to how they want to interact with Him. Moreover, He is the only man in the entire cosmic manifestation. And what I'm interested in is understanding how I can try to take the position of a man while maintaining female image thoughts. And just as women can't get along with each other, so I can't get along with my wife.

Why is control and leadership understood as “I say, she does, period”? Why leadership should not be understood as: “Okay, soon we have a weekend. How can we do it better?" So you take the lead in figuring out how it's going to be. Either it will be some place that you have chosen, or a place that your wife has chosen. Or the place the kids want. But you are the one who takes on the role of sorting it out.

Let's take another example. You have a mother and you have a child. The child wants to eat right now. What will happen next? The child will eat now. Or, for example, the child is now tired. The child falls asleep. Or, for example, the child wanted to go to the toilet. What happens next? The child immediately goes to the toilet. And now the million dollar question. Who is in charge, mother or child? It seems like a child. But really, it all depends on the mother. Does a mother lose her authority or her leadership position when she meets the needs of her child. Now do you understand what we are talking about?

You must understand what it means to be a leader, what it means to control. The problem is that you have had an experience with a woman in which she satisfied all your needs. But in those relationships, she was in charge, she was your boss. It was your mother. Now you have grown up and you have entered into another relationship with another woman. Now this woman is called wife. But the man wants him to have the same relationship with her as with his mother, when she did everything for him that he wants. But in the relationship with the mother, the mother was the main one. And in these relations, although he wants everything to be exactly the same as then, nevertheless, he wants to be the main one. Therefore, you must understand what it really means to be in charge, to be a leader, and not how you imagined it.

Who is in charge, you or the government? You want to build a house, the government gives you permission. The government does not tell you to build a house. You want to build a house. And the government gives you permission. You want to drive a car, the government builds roads for you. You want to do business, the government gives you permission. Do you understand? So you have to figure out what it means to be in charge. Then you will understand the answer to your question.

So if you want to build a house, then you can only build it on your site. Since to the right and to the left of your site are the sites of your neighbors. So the government tells you, "Yes, you can build a house, but it can't be bigger than this." In other words, the government makes some kind of decision, but this decision is based on your desire. The only difficulty is that it is necessary to include the mind, and not just stay within the framework of some popular concepts.

Excerpt from the first lecture of the Bhakti Vidya Purna Swami Seminar on family relationships. Moscow, 2007.

Surprisingly, behind 12 years of marriage. As far as I can remember, I never set myself the goal of getting married, having children, and living the life of an “aunt” until the end of my days. On the contrary, the goals for life were grandiose, probably, like many 15-17 year old teenagers who think that their whole life is ahead and “still have time”.

I really wanted to achieve results in sports, win Olympic gold without fail, and go to live in another country. Marriage was included in the plans as another necessary life stage, from the category of “born-studied-married”.

But I never understood the hype around "hooking up a man, always rich." I never understood the hype around "I want to get married." I never specifically looked for a man for myself, doing everything possible and impossible so that they would pay attention to me.

But, to be honest, in the sports community there were no problems with this.

My goals were never destined to come true, life, as usual, made its own adjustments. A sports injury ended my career, my Olympic gold. I had to hang spikes on the wall.

A life free from sports began. But this did not lead to nightlife, some kind of unbridled lifestyle, there were no alcohol parties and other “charms” of the post-adolescent age. Sport taught me to be moderate in everything, to the regime, to discipline.

While still a student, she met her future husband. At the same time, I never thought about how long I was destined to live in marriage. I knew that life could change at any moment. Like in sports. Today you are a famous athlete, champion and winner, and the day after tomorrow you get seriously injured, and the champion and winner is someone else.

I remember how the coach always told me:

To win, you must be head and shoulders above others. It doesn't work, you can't - there are no such words. Get up and do it. Do what you can on this moment and do your best.

And, apparently, the habit of thinking like a champion, tightly crashed into my worldview. It can be compared to the inner critic. If your inner critic is silent, it means that you have done your best, if you feel that you have “slacked off” - you need to finish it.

And under the eternal sensitive guidance of the inner critic, my family life passes.

Everything is like everyone else: love, romance, passion, and suffering, there were periods of grinding to each other, recognizing each other in everyday life, in joint pastime, there were periods of disagreement, misunderstanding, resentment against each other. And the wallpaper was glued, and we always rest together. I wanted to get divorced and kill each other. Everything is like everyone else.

1. Love passes

Yes, yes, love passes. It is the one that is so imposed in society, and whose real name is love addiction. With crazy emotions, suffering, tears, with heartache and the inability to think of anyone but the object of such "love".

Relationships should be GOOD. Without tantrums, brain drain, emotional swings, adrenaline injections after an unanswered message, without broken plates and leaving to “live with mom”, without anguish and sleepless snotty-tearful nights after another scandal.

Relationships must be STABLE. Doesn't mean it's boring. It means that you are at least 80% sure that your spouse (a) will not throw out a stunning trick when you are completely unprepared for this.

Relationships should be GOOD. When you go home and know that everything is fine there, that you won’t run into an aggressively drunk husband and won’t get punched in the face.

"Blows" can be present, of course, but the general background of a long-term marriage is evenly calm. If this is not the case, then one of the spouses has an emotional dependence.

2. Life in marriage is not one big holiday.

There is no happily ever after without a break for lunch and weekends. There is no joy and enthusiasm without a break for May and New Year. There are illnesses, poor health, fatigue and irritation, anger and resentment. There are breakdowns, swearing, troubles and difficulties. The only question is how long spouses are willing to get stuck in these situations.

3. Spouses really must be of the same social level.

Cinderella and the Prince are nothing more than a fairy tale. Romantic nonsense that girls have been hammered into their heads since childhood. And unequal marriages most often end in divorce. The chemistry of falling in love can push people towards each other. But when love passes, all the differences in upbringing, mentality, attitude to life, money, work, children and other manifestations of life come out. Everything that is shown in the cinema is not viable, and an attempt to imitate it ends in a grand failure.

4. Spouses should develop together.

You can't stop there. Neither one nor the other. If a husband and wife, in principle, do not develop in life, the result is sad. The one who interferes with growth is abandoned. Sooner or later. A wife stuck in pots, diapers, children, as well as a husband whose main interests are beer and TV - the ballast that will be thrown off. No options.

Hence the conclusion - you can not forbid the spouse to develop. It doesn't matter what. Dancing, guitar, snowboarding, chess, 101 ways to cook chicken - any activity where a person wants to achieve results. Optimally - to share the interests of the spouse, well - do not interfere.

5. A wife should not completely dissolve in her husband and children.

I first devote time to myself, then to my husband and child. A woman who betrays her Self for a man quickly gets bored and becomes a burden. You can’t completely dissolve in the family, you can’t live only by the desires of your husband, you can’t think only about pots and children. "Aunt" is not interesting to anyone. An interesting person next to you, who you want to study, with whom you want to talk, to know the opinion. And the “aunt” is like a sofa, because it would never occur to anyone to be interested in the opinion of the sofa.

6. Each other must be accepted.

At a deep level. Some habits can infuriate and annoy, you can disagree with some manifestations of character. You can have different views on some problems, on the process of raising children. But at a deep level, a person must be accepted. With all the "troubles", with "cockroaches" and other living creatures. That is, you need to allow a person to be as he is. You can, of course, try to remake it, but from the state of acceptance. And what would the "alteration" was only as an additional option. It will be - it will be good, it will not be - the same is good.

7. A husband must be needed, and at the same time free.

AT last years I live according to this principle. I am not afraid that my husband may leave, because he, like any person, has the right to a better life for himself. Without me. This is fine. Just like I have the right to a better life for myself. Without him. Yes, the old life will be broken, there will be difficulties, but the catastrophe will not happen. You cannot forcibly keep a person near you. Therefore, you need to take off your rose-colored glasses in time, forget forever the phrase “we will live together for a long time and die on the same day” and be ready for anything. This does not mean that you live in this state all the time. This means knowing that at any moment a person can leave and not delude himself about this.

8. Everyone can have their own interests and desires. Everyone should have the right to personal space and personal time. Everyone should have their own finances. And that's okay.

This is the axiom of relationships. It should be so, and it is not discussed. You don’t need to drag your husband to shopping, just as you don’t have to be on a man’s fishing trip. Everyone should have personal time, and hysteria as an attempt to deprive of this time is an occasion to think about relationships.

For example, I have such personal time - this is the time of training, yoga, running. I can go alone to the lake to sit, look at the water, think. There is also time for reading books, for other things. The husband calmly goes to the bathhouse, to meet friends, goes fishing for a few days. No one is following anyone, hysterics are not satisfied. Everyone is happy, everyone is good.

Also, everyone should have their own finances. Without the right of the spouse to demand a report on their use. It is humiliating to ask for pads, as well as for cigarettes.

Personally, my husband and I have a number of obligatory family expenses on a monthly basis. And these expenses are sort of divided between us. I know exactly which of them I have to pay, and the husband pays for “his” expenses. Whatever remains of each is spent at his own discretion. I do not demand from my husband a report on spending, just as I do not report on my own.

9. People with close temperaments live in marriage for a long time.

When one has an awl in the pope, and the other, like Emelya, only lies on the stove, and does not raise it, then this marriage is unlikely to be long. You can smooth out some differences in temperament, you can adjust to the character and speed of life of another. But if these speeds are polar, then your “Ferrari” of life is unlikely to be kept next to a barely puffing Cossack for a long time.

10. There must be an animal in the house.

And preferably warm-blooded. A cat, a dog, a hamster, someone you can cuddle and touch. AT different time we had cats, dogs, sometimes both at the same time. And now there are two dogs and a sphinx rat.
And animals save from

11. Sex in marriage is not the main thing.

Crazy sex, passionate nights and romance, as before, is impossible to have after 12 years of marriage, even after 3 years everything calms down and goes into a calmer level. In order to maintain a high level of desire for a partner after many years spent side by side, very strong emotions are needed, which, in principle, cannot exist. Only if one of the spouses does not suffer love addiction. Then he, yes, can want passion and fire. In this case, the other spouse lives with him out of calculation, out of convenience, out of unwillingness to change anything.

But usually, in normal, non-problematic relationships, sex takes a backseat, if not the tenth, and really is not the main thing in marriage.

12. Decisions must be made together. But at the same time, a woman does not need to get into purely male affairs.

Small, everyday matters do not require coordination. But some major purchases, fateful decisions must be discussed. And there are two people who make decisions. No "I decided (a), said (a), so it will be."

How to raise a child, where to go on vacation, “let's get a dog”, what car to buy - this is being discussed. But to climb, for example, into the husband’s business is not desirable. Feel free to express your opinion if asked.

And the most important thing for a long-term marriage is the desire to compromise, to listen and hear each other, to leave the opportunity to be alone, not to merge with each other as Siamese twins and leave yourself and others room to maneuver.

In general, family life is a combination of love, trust, mutual assistance, tolerance and willpower. The order of all of the above changes every few years.

However, we have never done this in family life:

1. Do not beat plates and do not beat furniture.

The maximum that can be achieved by such behavior is an extra " headache”, unplanned financial expenses and the rejection of some necessary purchases or entertainment. And besides, you can’t cope with emotions - “go beat your head against the wall,” as my grandmother used to say.

2.Do not tear photos, clothes, etc.

The same as in the paragraph above. Stupidity, that's what it's called.

3. They didn’t go to live with their mother.

Girls and boys go to live with their mothers who have not matured, no matter what their passport age is, and who cannot be held responsible for their actions and decisions.

4. We didn’t try to intentionally hurt each other.

Everyone quarrels in family life. Do not stoop to the level of a “bazaar woman” who strives to hit harder - this is a sign good relations. And who is in the role of a “bazaar woman” is a secondary question.

5. Not manipulated by the child.

Never and under no circumstances. Children have no place in adult relationships. And in my deepest conviction, only idiots can make a child a bargaining chip in their failed lives.

Live happily