Mental pain lasts 12 minutes, the rest is self-hypnosis. And how suggestible are you?

One winter evening, a young man whom I did not know wrote to me and offered to meet.
- I know your name. Where do you live. How old are you and where do you study. Let's go for a walk. he wrote to me on social media. I agreed. It wasn't scary. At the age of 17, I was terribly naive, maybe because I grew up in a village where people help each other, or maybe I just didn’t understand people. I told him that I was being escorted to the meeting place, and if something happened to me, then the first person to be suspected would be him. After all the stupidity that I wrote to him, we agreed to meet that same evening. We met him near the evening school, quite far from my house, so we decided not to walk for a long time - it's cold in February after all. While he escorted me home, and on the way I asked him about what he was doing, and he himself willingly told me about it. It turned out that he lives not far from me, literally about five minutes on foot. He is engaged in athletics, writes texts, raps, goes to clubs. An ordinary young guy enjoying life. Our walk lasted about forty minutes and we parted at the crossroads, the roads of which led one to his house, the other to mine.
- Till tomorrow. I will write you. - He said, smiled and walked away. I stood rooted to the spot, watching how, moving away, his figure hides behind a wall of snow. When he disappeared from view, I breathed in the air, in which, as it seemed to me, the smell of his perfume was still hovering, and headed home. Going to the door, I realized that he did not take my phone number, but waved it off, because I have him among my friends. The next day, I found out that he was dating a girl, and they had a difficult relationship, that he was cheating on him, that he wanted him to come, and when he was around - that he was not there. She was also 17. When he asked me about my personal life and suggested that I already had a boyfriend 2, I definitely lied, saying that he guessed right. He could have become a feather, but he was ashamed to admit it.
In the evenings we fooled around, rolled each other in snowdrifts, walked wherever possible. About a week later, I realized that I was in love. I really wanted to kiss him and was scared that he might push me away. One evening, after all, what I dreamed about happened, we kissed. After the kiss, he said that he was afraid that I would push him away. And I wanted to strangle him in my arms. The heart was like crazy. Many feelings during and after this kiss were unfamiliar to me. Here it is, first love. Crazy. Unrequited ... I realized this when, after a while, he again spoke about his girlfriend. After each meeting with her, he came to me and told me how bad he was, and I felt sorry for him, supported him. After these consolations, I myself went home alone, asking not to see me off. She walked and roared, realizing that I was not needed, but I was head over heels in love. But something happened and after a week of such meetings with her, he broke up. A month has passed with our daily evening meetings. He introduced me to his friend Lesha, who told me that he began to constantly talk about me. We started dating. I completely lost my head ... But he did not get lost and really became the first. They say you don't have to rush because you can get attached. It turns out they are telling the truth. I just raved about them. In the evenings I sat and waited for him to call, write, come. Along with these expectations came the spring month of April. He met me from school, sometimes accompanied me there. At the end of April, the girlfriend he left behind reappeared. And I was already sure that he was mine. On May 2, I was visiting my sister, we made barbecue, laughed, the day was sunny and bright. when we sat at the table, I received an SMS "need to meet." A smile immediately left my face. My heart was beating fast, my palms were sweaty. I got up from the table and said I was going home. My sister probably understood and did not ask anything.
I remember how it is now: I walked towards him for twelve minutes, all this time I listened to Polina Gagarina's song - Lullaby. When I saw him on the clock it was 16:08. We met a little before reaching my house. He was in a white T-shirt, serious, a little scared.
- Ira is pregnant. Zhenya left her, I have to help her. I will be with her. We're breaking up. He said this and looked away. I was silent. It hurt, my heart was pounding in my ribs. - Sorry. he added. There were tears in my eyes, I didn’t see anything, I only understood that if I close my eyes even for a moment, tears will flow down my cheeks. A lump of pain stuck in my throat and did not allow me to breathe calmly and utter a sound. - Say something. Anthony broke the silence again. I closed my eyes and traitorous tears rolled to my chin. Silently, I walked past him. I don't know if he was standing still or following me. I just wanted to disappear, as if it wasn't me or I just didn't exist. I went to the river, which was a kilometer from the house. I didn't care if anyone was there, if anyone saw me crying. I set stones on the shore and sat there until dark. All this time I watched the sun sink into the water and imagined that my pain would go away with it.
Some time later, about three days later, a certain Marina, twenty-two years old, wrote to me and said that Anton was visiting her. She knows what's going on with him and invited me to meet. I arrived at the appointed place. She called him and turned on the speakerphone:
- Antosh, hello.
- Hello. I'm busy.
- I just want to ask, are you coming today?
- Yes. I'm busy now.
- Are you with Lesha now? Well, go to another room and tell me why you want to come to me.
- I can not.
- Antosh, well, tell me how I asked you.
- Because it is necessary. - He answered and again repeating that he was busy, he dropped it.
The red-haired girl put the phone in her pocket and began to tell what decent guys usually keep to themselves. I was ashamed and offended. Now I also hated him, but still loved him.
I began to communicate with this Marina and she told me that Anton goes to her when he leaves her, but she always said that there was nothing between them, which I could hardly believe. But after a while, gritting my teeth, I wished them happiness.
Later, Anton and I began to correspond, he did not agree to meetings. I began to ask him about Marina and he began to get angry. He said that she was so bad and she got him with her annoying calls. Then a feeling woke up in me, which can not be called good. I quarreled them. I copied what Anton wrote to me about her and sent it to her. On the evening of the same day, an unpleasant and pleasant surprise awaited me. Anton found me. Angry and pale, he grabbed my arm and dragged me to the bench. His scream echoed in my ears.
- What did you say to her? What did you say to her?!
Thoughts whirled around in my head. What have I done?! Now he will hate me. And then a smile appeared on my face.
- Nothing new. only what you yourself said about it. I really wanted to hurt him in return. And I understood that now Marina would be offended by him and he would no longer be able to go to her. He let go of my hand.
- Go home. There is nothing to walk alone in the evenings. - He suddenly changed. He was no longer angry, but upset. And I gloated and sobbed deep in my soul ...
In July, our meetings resumed again. He just slept with me, got what he wanted. "Friends should help each other," he said, "are we friends?" But I loved him. I was ready to lie down in the mud, but so that he came out clean. Sometimes he invited me to take a walk with him, but each time it turned out that he was bored going to one or another friend. He said this when we were already approaching the house of that same friend. He looked at me and said how long he would be gone. And I was waiting. Like a faithful dog.
After one such time, I decided to meet his friend Alexei.
- I feel sorry for you. He used to talk about you, now only Marina. But he doesn't tell who she is. I only know the name and that there is a 3-year-old child. - Alexei said, sitting down on the bench. - He also told you what sexual adventures you had and in what places. He is a fool.
What I found out left me with mixed feelings. But I forgave him again. Already hating herself for this, she stepped over herself again.
When I got to the hospital with inflammation of the kidneys, he visited me only once. Passed by. And I ran away from the hospital to see him.
In mid-August, he told me that he was being drafted into the army in the fall. I could not imagine that I would live without it for a year... However, a person can go through a lot. In September, our meetings became more rare. One rainy day he came to my house and asked me to come out. I was sick, took pills for fever, dressed warmer and went out to him. He asked how I was doing. He said that he was going for a walk with Olya (his girlfriend). I remember how at that moment I wanted him to hug me. It was bad because of the fact that he does not love me and shows it, and because I am sick. I turned away from him when he began to talk about his next trip to the rocking chair and that he was going to go for a walk with Olga, I looked at the lantern that I looked at in the winter when I first met him. I looked at him every time I was afraid to meet his eyes and feel embarrassed, blush ... I thought why I could not bring myself to hate him. Because he hurts me so much. Tears began to form in her eyes again. I turned to him, he looked at me with eyes full of pity and he hugged me. Not because I wanted to. Because it's a pity.
On the eighteenth of October he came to me, on the nineteenth he was supposed to be taken away. He only spent a couple of hours with me. Then he silently gathered himself and went out into the hallway. He stood and put on his shoes, looked at me and saw that I was crying.
- Another roar. - He said sharply. Oddly enough, these words brought me to my senses. I never thought that I would not see him for a year. I stood and thought, who is this "another one"? He kissed me goodbye and walked out the door, leaving me with a silent question in my eyes.
On the day when Anton was taken into the army, Marina wrote to me again and said that her boyfriend had also been taken away. As it turned out, her boyfriend was my neighbor, Anton's friend. We met with her, talked, reconciled. In vain.
A week later, Anton's mother called me and told me the address where he works. She said he asked her to. The address turned out to be incorrect. Meanwhile, Marina found out the address of the unit in which her MCH fell, it turned out that she and Anton were in the same unit. After a week of trying to find out where they are, we succeeded. And now, two weeks later in total, after my love was taken into the army. I found out his address, collected money and Marina and I went to see them. 4 hours of tiring road there and only 15 minutes to see them, because the last bus leaves in 15 minutes. We begged the Soldiers at the checkpoint to let us in, we ran to find where they were now. And here they are! They were released to join us. I ran up to him and hugged him. My heart froze in my chest. At that moment I thought that I was the most happy man on the ground.
- Why did you come? His voice brought me back to earth.
- What? - I stepped aside. It was empty inside. Hurt. It's a shame.
- Why did you come? - He repeated his question, to which I did not answer. I watched with tears in my eyes as Marina was hugged by her young man.
- Sorry. - I finally squeezed out of myself and looked at the Vermya. - Marin, it's time for us to go back. - I silently went to the gate. I did not understand why he asked his mother to give me his address, and then met me like that.
A month later he wrote me a letter. Then another and another. He wrote that he loves, misses. Regrets. He asked for forgiveness. I believed and was happy. I was hoping that something would work out. He asked me to send him my photos. And I sent them to him. And then, in December, I saw a photo in which he hugs Olga. Kissing. And everything broke. There was another pain that I could not endure silently. I went back to where I sat the day he left me. I just couldn't make it to the beach. She fell to her knees and screamed at the top of her lungs. She roared like she had never roared before in her life. Inside, everything was torn from unbearable pain. It didn't matter what happened to me here in the middle of the night. Maybe at that moment I even wanted something to happen.
His friend and my neighbor, with whom he was in the same unit, wrote to me that Anton simply boasts with my photos that he sends letters in which he "loves" not only to me. It was probably the last thing I could take. I started to get cold. But I wished him a happy birthday. In March, he congratulated me on Women's Day. But our communication has come to naught. I stopped answering him. I began to stifle in myself at least some manifestation of the emotions that he evoked in me. In the summer he was allowed to go home for a couple of days, he never wanted to meet me. I found out about this when his "vacation" was already over. Later I got into a good company, which made me distracted and I was finally able to "bury" my feelings, but I was still afraid that when I saw him, everything would happen again.
And from, a year later, he invited me to meet.

What is pain?

Mental or physical?

What are you afraid of?

Soulful. It kills not only the body.

And what else?

Soul and feelings. How did you kill me...

Strange evening. It looks like one of those when I waited with bated breath for his call and

words "I'm near your house" ...

So let's go.

The first and most important thing that psychotherapy taught me about pain is the very idea that in pain you can somehow settle down and live this state in a special way. Second, and no less important, the pain will end. Definitely and without options.

I will not be original and will give a hackneyed metaphor with the weather. In inner world, just like in the outside, there are different weather. Rain (in our case, pain) also happens, of course.

But. You can get caught in a downpour, where ice hail hits - and stubbornly go forward barefoot, no longer understanding - why and where, feeling how your calves are cramping in icy water, dry prickly bronchitis slowly flares up in your chest, your body is exhausted by ice blows, and there is only one end - to stumble over the next pothole, finally fall and die, choking in this viscous water under your feet. A very colorful, traumatic and auto-aggressive way to live your life. Sometimes, by the way, it’s useful - with the aim of later discovering that you don’t feel like it anymore.

And it is possible in another way. Stop and look around - is there a place where you can hide from the hail? Can someone put you under their umbrella? Is there a grocery store nearby? rubber boots- albeit not too elegant and yet a different size? Is it possible to jump under some kind of roof, is there a bus stop nearby that will take you to someone's (even if not your) house?

Feel the difference? Or - automatically, insensibly wander in an atmospheric nightmare - and know that it will always be like this. Or - go into raging bad weather, look for ways to take care of yourself and remember for sure - the weather is always changing, without exception, and soon the rain will end, and the wet-sticky-cold will be removed from the body, and the situation will provide an opportunity to warm up and relax.

I repeat - this is perhaps my most important and global discovery about how to deal with yourself in difficult and painful periods of life.

And now - the accumulated concrete practical ways deal with pain.

1. Notice.

When suddenly something in the body begins to hurt that did not hurt before; when there is a lot of tension in the face, and it is somehow difficult to breathe; when you find that you have only enough strength not to cry; when you don’t want anything, it scratches in your chest, and the world gradually takes on the color of various shades of gray - do not shove further on the remnants of stubbornness, but notice and understand - something is happening. Probably, we need to stand a little and take a closer look - what exactly. The markers here, of course, are mine, different people they are, accordingly, different, and knowing your pain markers is, in my opinion, a very useful thing.

1. Organize support and people.

It is better, at a minimum, to call, and as a maximum, to come personally to someone close, and not to cope on your own. Better for many reasons - and not so scary, and not so lonely, and right next to it there is the same, the aforementioned warm-native-fluffy, and there is someone to rely on. Therefore, I definitely recommend in times of life's difficulties to have in your head a list of people who can endure your pain, appreciate and respect you, and are ready to devote time to you. Friends with similar experiences are psychologists. Right here in the list in my head, or better - on a piece of paper. I'm serious, yes. Because in moments when it’s really bad, the brain fails, contacts fly out of the head, and the habit of being alone and / or not noticing oneself wins dry.

Therefore, at a painful moment, we take the phone, call relatives, check the situation and talk about how we feel. Little by little, little by little, we unwind what is bursting from the inside, listen to questions, answer, meet with experiences that overwhelm the soul and create pain. We do not delay, because psychosomatics is more difficult to treat.

1. Face the pain and breathe. Breathe. And breathe again - a lot.

Breathing is generally a very useful thing, thanks to it we live, if someone is not in the know. And it is thanks to breathing that pain can be experienced quite easily - because inhalation-exhalation, inhalation-exhalation is a very good cycle. Inhale - inhale fresh air, gained strength - and exhaled - exhaled from the chest-body-eyes-soul the extra that the body no longer fits and asks to come out with a cry and tears.

In the case when it’s already covered, when it’s rolled over and captured by pain - the sweetest thing is to breathe, yell, cry, the way you want - loudly, with force, you get tired faster, and your strength ends, and the crying passes, and peace comes after it.

1. Remember with all your might - it will end, much faster than it seems. And it will be much easier.

When I worked with pain, my own or someone else's, and when I saw other people's work, the most acute moment of pain did not even last 15 minutes. Because the body is not made of iron and cannot withstand much, it is rather difficult to sob and experience more than the given time. Therefore, with the remnants of the brain in the most broken state, remember - it will be painful, unpleasant - but not for as long as it seems. If you let the pain be, it will all be over soon. And then there will be peace, and a lot of room for other experiences - usually much more joyful.

This is generally incomprehensible, and difficult to believe thing - but the absolute truth. When you really experience the pain, everything becomes much easier. That's all - mood, condition, life situation (at least a look at it). And a lot can be changed and done when there is strength and mood - that is, when you let go of the body and let it go through what has been asking for a long time.

1. Walk, move, live.

There were times in my life when I couldn't cry. There were simply no tears. And to speak, and to explain to someone what is happening to me - I also could not. I just felt bad. Really capslock.

And then the movement saved me. Go somewhere far away (with a fully charged phone in hand!), wash-clean-clean, play sports - do something that takes energy from the body, reduces heat and removes heaviness. This method does not bring any great existential discoveries. But the fact that after a long, exhausting physical activity, you will most likely want to eat and sleep is almost certain. And it's great when you want something. This is life.

1. Have a way to slow down. At the very least, to know that he is definitely there.

At the very beginning, when the pain was something new and unfamiliar for me, and the amount of it in the body went off scale, and supportive people did not exist in my view as a class - there really was no way out and a stopcock in my subjective reality. Then the exit appeared.

Since then, I have had a boundary pillar inside me - where there is no longer the strength to understand and think, but so far there remains the opportunity to follow a long-established and more than once rescued algorithm. The pillar is made of thick wood, old and very reliable, on it is firmly nailed a board with the inscription: "Drink your drugs, hide in a corner and sleep". I know for sure that this helps me relieve the most acute condition. During these moments, I don’t watch anything about people, I don’t read or hear emotional stories. I have a rest and a stop - because I have a lot.

If you know how you can slow down, that's cool. Because in the most difficult, most hopeless situations, you can definitely rely on your experience of stops, after which a new day comes - and it is usually a little better than the one that was yesterday.

Ludmila Marchenko.

1. Call the people you need this moment. Find the strength yourself and call. Give a rest to the megalomaniac that believes that only you can care, and the rest are unworthy of it. There, in the furnace, is the complex of the victim, who is unworthy of care. All? And call. It's part of taking responsibility for yourself—learning how to organize to support yourself. Grow up, it's fun!
2. Let the pain be and it will end. Courage, dear friend, and courage! Yes, this is heroism.
3. Erkhart Tolle in support - about physical and mental pain. For example, the Power of the moment now. I know people she has helped to learn how to deal with regular physical pain for many days, those whom she has helped to learn how to cope with panic attacks that are not regulated by any medicine, and learn to live with the loss of loved ones. And I am among them.

Breathe. Live. Be afraid and do it.