Far from many families have an upbringing according to the principle: "A child is everything." A very common mistake of parents is to constantly put pressure on the child and impose their will on him: this can be done, but this cannot be done. Parents use authoritarian parenting strategies that do not allow the child to show their independent voice or sense of responsibility for their own decisions.

Other parents, on the contrary, practice permissiveness. Research shows that both extremes negatively affect children's ability to control their emotions and form healthy relationships with adults. best type upbringing is justice, flexibility, respect for your teenage child and their constant education, and not terror to achieve your goal. You need to listen and respect the opinion of the child, allowing him to make choices, but at the same time set fair and clear limits in order to maintain order in the house. This article will show you how to avoid ineffective ways of communicating when parenting with teens.

Mistake #1. Too much chatter

When parents speak more and more, and in a sharp demanding tone, children stop listening and perceiving them. Researchers have shown that the human brain can only perceive two theses at the same time and store them in its short term memory. In practice, it takes about 30 seconds - that is, one or two phrases of the parents.

When mom or dad gives several instructions at once in one message, the child will eventually get confused and will not understand anything from parental teachings. In addition, if the tone of the parents is anxious, harsh or demanding, the child has anxiety and doubts in the subconscious. He does not want to comply with such requirements.

“This month you can sign up for boxing, besides, every day you have to wash the dishes, and it’s too early for you to go to kickboxing. The day after tomorrow we will have guests, and you must help your mother clean the apartment.

Do not give your child all the information at once. It is best to break it into separate blocks so that this information is more digestible. Let the teenager express his opinion on one issue, and then you can move on to the second.

Effective Conversation Example

1. "This month you can sign up for boxing, but it's too early for you to go to kickboxing. Do you agree?"
2. "Every day you have to wash the dishes after you, because mom gets tired after work, save her and your time. What do you think about this?"
3. "The day after tomorrow we will have guests, and you have to help your mother clean the apartment. Do you have any plans for the day after tomorrow, 15:00?"

In this example, the parents in each block limit the conversation to two sentences, which makes the comprehension much easier. In addition, there is a reasonable dialogue, and not a one-sided dictate of parents. Finally, the child agrees to cooperate voluntarily, and not under pressure, while taking into account his needs.

Mistake #2. Reproaches and constant criticism

Most parents are familiar with the situation when a child has to wake up for a long time in the morning, or he scatters his things around the apartment, or comes home from school at the wrong time. And then they use an effective, in their opinion, technique: they complain about the bad attitude of a teenager or sharply criticize him. In fact, this only makes the situation worse: you give teenagers a reason to ignore you, because every day you do not get tired of repeating the same thing to the child, and in the most disgusting tone.

Poor Conversation Example

"I woke you up an hour early because you can never get ready on time. You need to get dressed right now. Show me your diary so I can sign it.

Ten minutes later.

"I told you to get dressed and give me the diary. And you're still going! You'll be late and I'll be with you! Go brush your teeth and get your clothes ready"

In ten minutes.

"Where's your diary to sign? I asked you to bring it? And you haven't finished getting dressed. We're definitely going to be late."

This parent gives too many diverse tasks to the child, and everything needs to be done immediately and immediately. This does not allow the teenager to cope with the situation. Because every 10 minutes the parent urges him, introducing anxiety and panic into the collection process. This is the so-called “nurture helicopter”, which can lead to insecurity, overdependence of a teenager on the commands of his parents. The tone of the parental message is negative and intrusive, which leads to discontent and resistance of the teenager or his passive aggression.

Effective Conversation Example

“We have 45 minutes left before leaving for school. If you don’t have time to get ready and give me a diary to sign, you will explain your lateness to the teachers yourself.”

This is a brief instruction that makes it clear what the parent expects from the child and what are the consequences of not completing the task. The parent does not judge the child, does not try to control him, and does not create situations of anxiety and panic. The parent allows the teenager to be responsible for their own behavior.

Mistake #3. "Shame on you!"

One of the most difficult ideas for parents is that children do not have empathy for their needs. Children develop their empathy (the tendency to empathize) slowly as they mature. That is why the expectations of parents that their children will sympathize with them and help them in everything are far from always justified simply because of the peculiarities of the psychological development of adolescents.

They are still just kids - they don't take your side and put themselves in your place, but focus on having fun in this moment. Most parents emphasize that their children are selfish and only care about themselves. Basically, that's the way it is. This can lead to dissatisfaction of parents when children do not want to help them with something. At such moments, it is important to calm down, take a deep breath, and then in a calm tone express your wishes and request to the child, what exactly you need help with now. If you let your emotions run wild, it will make your communication with your teenager ineffective.

Poor Conversation Example

"I've asked you several times to tidy up my room - and what do I see? Things are scattered all over the floor. Can't you see that I'm on my feet all day, I take care of the family, and you do nothing. Now I have to clean your room instead of relaxing after work. Shame on you, why are you so selfish?

This parent creates a lot of negative energy. We can all be disappointed in the behavior of another, but blaming a teenager is disrespectful. He hears a subconscious challenge due to the phrase “You are an egoist!”, And this is very harmful to the psyche and self-esteem of the child. Gradually, dad or mom inspire him that something is wrong with him. Children pick up and absorb these negative labels and begin to see themselves as "not good enough", "selfish". Humiliating or shaming a child is very harmful, because it can form negative emotions and a bad opinion of the child about himself.

Effective Conversation Example

"I see that your room is not cleaned, and this makes me very upset. It is important for us that the apartment is in order, so that we all enjoy living here. All the things scattered around the room will have to be sent to the pantry tonight. You can take them back when you clean your room."

This parent clearly communicates their feelings and needs to the teenager - without anger or blame. It explains the clear but not overly punitive consequences of the adolescent's behavior and provides an opportunity for the child to rehabilitate. This does not create negative motivation in a teenager and does not make him think that he is bad.

Mistake #4. "I can not hear you"

We all would like to teach our children to respect other people. The best way to do so is to shape respectful and caring behavior on our part. This will help the teenager understand the meaning of respect and empathy and teach them effective communication skills. In many cases, it is the hardest thing for parents to hear a child because children often interrupt them. In this case, it's okay to tell your child, "It's hard for me to hear you now because I'm cooking dinner, but I'll be ready to listen to you carefully in 10 minutes." It's better to schedule a clear time for communication with your child than to listen halfway or not at all. But remember that it is difficult for a teenager to wait a long time, because they may forget what they wanted to say, or they will not be in the right mood.

Poor Conversation Example

In response to the teenager's story about his grades at school, the parent replies: “Imagine. They still scored that goal!”

Effective Conversation Example

"I'm ready to listen to you carefully in 10 minutes, as soon as I finish watching football."

Talking to a teenager is a subtle art. But it can be mastered simply by being attentive to your child. And you will definitely succeed.

Parents of the younger generation are wondering how to communicate with a teenager.

Problems arise in many families, as transitional age considered one of the most difficult.

How to get rid of computer addiction to a teenager? Learn about it from ours.

Psychology

Growing up, the child wants to acquire more and more independence.

But parents continue to control him, trying to ensure safety and proper education.

The problem is that sometimes the pressure is too much and the child starts to resist. As a result, aggression, leaving home, getting into dangerous companies.

If the child is only forbidden, he will begin to do everything secretly. However, if left without full control, he will not be able to assess for himself what is permissible to do and what is categorically impossible. Important keep the golden mean.

In communicating with adolescents, first of all, it is necessary to achieve trust so that the child can calmly tell his parents about his problems and experiences, without fear of condemnation and punishment.

It is studied separately, and this is no coincidence, it has its features and difficulties faced by parents and teachers.

Features of communication with adults and peers

Adults with the entry of a child into adolescence are increasingly lose their authority.

But small social groups become important for a teenager.

He focuses on subculture, fashion trends , features of communication in his circle. At the same time, parents may not like who their child is in contact with, what they are interested in.

It becomes the cause. In this case, there is no mutual understanding and respect of parents for the interests of the child.

Parents:

• are members of the family in which the child is forced to live;
• gradually lose authority, especially if there is no mutual respect and trust in the family;
• are people to be feared.

  Again, this happens due to a loss of trust and constant punishment for any reason.

peers:

• accepted into a social group or rejected;
• have similar interests;
• more significant in terms of communication, exchange of opinions;
• are interesting in terms of communication with the opposite sex;
• may involve a teenager in unlawful acts;
• are an example to which the child is guided.

Relationship problems

Much depends on his success among his peers.

If he is rejected, he feels his difference, uselessness, loneliness.

The child may experience the following Problems:

• lowered;
• excessively high self-esteem;
• aggressiveness towards individual peers;
• self-care;
• fear of communication with the opposite sex;
• before big group people, the need to speak in front of the class;
• , inability to make new acquaintances and maintain friendship;
• aggressive behavior when parents try to interfere in their lives, control, impose certain behavior, clothing style, the need to learn.

It is important for parents to understand that a hormonal restructuring of the body is taking place, this also affects the psychological state of the child, his behavior, reactions to exposure and stress.

Why do parents not understand teenagers?

Parents are another generation with their stereotypes behavior.

The social environment is changeable, and as a result, it is already more difficult for the older generation to understand the younger one.

In addition, parents forget how they felt and behaved in adolescence. Perhaps they think they did not cause problems for parents, but in fact they behaved the way their daughter or son is now behaving.

The level and direction of thinking of adults and children is also different.

How to educate them?

It is necessary to start educating a child from infancy. But many parents forget this, in the end growing up spoiled teen which is difficult to control. However, with some patience, the situation can really be corrected.

sex education

Sex education is aimed at the correct perception of one's own and the opposite sex. Of great importance prevention of early onset of intimate life, sexually transmitted diseases and early pregnancy.

Parents should have a conversation with girls even before the first menstruation, tell how this happens and why. It is better if mom or grandmother takes care of this issue. It is also important for boys to explain the issues of sexual relations and prevention.

Some publishers publish specialized literature to introduce teenagers to the peculiarities of sexual life.

Now adolescents are quite active, therefore, in some cases, prevention should be started as early as 12 years old, but one should take into account individual characteristics individual personality.

Parents should not ignore gender issues and postpone an important conversation for a long time. Unfortunately, in children whose parents did not take care of prevention in time, it often happens unwanted pregnancy and dangerous diseases are detected.

In addition to the problems of communication with peers, it is important to explain to the child how to protect himself from illegal actions by adults.

How to talk to a child at 12, 13, 14 years old?

A teenager at this age is still a child, but already wants to seem like an adult.

What to do:

• respect his right to speak personal opinion, it teaches independent thinking;
• if it becomes necessary to point out an error, then do it not in the form of criticism, but in the form of advice on how best to proceed;
• establish the limits of what is permitted and permitted;
• take care of the organization of the daily routine;
• keep promises or do not give them, teach the same;
• learn to listen to your child, so you can see in time what problems he has and help in a timely manner;
• do not fawn, stop communicating with him, as with a small child;
• appreciate his individuality, let's develop;
• do not conduct an interrogation with condemnation, predilection, irritation, so you only frighten a teenager and alienate him from yourself;
• do not blame him for the fact that he interferes with you, imposes himself, makes mistakes;
• be interested in his feelings, state of health, but not intrusively;
• praise for decisions made, noble deeds, achievements in studies, sports, development.

How to find a common language with a daughter or son?

If parents, when their daughter or son tries to ask for advice, begin to criticize, get annoyed, ignore the problem, then the next time the child simply does not turn to you.

Common Adult Mistakes

No one is immune from mistakes, and there are no ideal parents. By assessing your behavior, many problems can be prevented.

Basic Mistakes:

Revealing what is wrong in interacting with a teenager will help confidential conversation. Listen to the child, understand his point of view.

Difficult teenager: what to do?

You need to be prepared for the fact that the period will have to endure, but not let the situation take its course, but try to somehow influence the child's behavior. In advanced cases, it is recommended psychologist consultation.

It is possible that you do not know about the problems and inner experiences of the child. The psychologist will help him restore peace of mind, and teach parents how to properly interact with him based on individual characteristics.

How to Deal with Difficult Teens?

How to deal with a difficult teenager? Applying punishment for any reason is not the best option.

In this case, the child moves away more and more, trust is lost, but the fear of parents and the desire to contact them as little as possible are formed.

To kid need to find a job which will be of interest to him. Talk to him, listen to what he wants from life, perhaps he will go in for sports with pleasure, go to courses or circles.

Explain to the child why you gave him so little time that you had to work to support the family.

Parents should be an example, it is with them that a teenager learns a model of behavior and transfers it to the outside world.

Rules of interaction from Gippenreiter

Julia Gippenreiter - famous psychologist who published numerous books in psychology.

We will talk about 7 ways to build relationships with a teenager. Relationships with children who have crossed over become unpredictable, like running through a minefield.

Teenagers and parents are an eternal confrontation. Some insist on their right to patronize and direct, while others desperately defend their right to freedom and their own decisions, although they have absolutely nothing to back up these decisions.

Writer and journalist Ksenia Buksha says,. The problem is that teenagers are no longer children, but not yet adults. They cannot be controlled from the position of an omniscient adult, but you should not expect full awareness and responsibility for your choice either. What should parents do with those who cannot be forced, there is nothing to punish and it is unrealistic to convince - read in our article.

Strategy 1. Force and forbid

In fact, we still have this tool. Only it will not have to be used voluntarily, which means that the price can be spoiled for life child-parent relationship.

We are adults, and we can still do anything with a teenager, even send him to a school at the monastery, like my friend dad, a drug addict daughter. She sat there for six years and left at twenty, when all her friends and girlfriends had already died. I don’t want to judge or praise that dad, or even evaluate it in any way, and I certainly don’t want anyone to follow his example. I'm just trying to show the scale of the problems in which it makes sense to act in this way.

We apply prohibitions only when there is a complete disaster. Drugs, anorexia, talk of suicide, banditry, involvement in a sect - grab and pull from the edge.

But smaller accidents like “dropped out of school”, “has sex before marriage” - are we ready to pay for this with a relationship with a child? “Laying around with the phone all day long” - and for this? More likely no than yes, but what if he's seriously depressed? Before wielding with an iron hand, we also need to understand where we are going to drag.

Strategy 2. Draw up a contract

In a written form. And hang it on the wall. A treaty can make bearable Cohabitation with an emotional teenager.

Parents and children have rights and responsibilities. The parent has the right to sit on a clean toilet in the morning. The child has the right not to answer SMS, but he is obliged to call. Or vice versa.

Any thing thrown outside the room goes to the trash can. For dirty marks on the ceiling - independent whitewashing, for example. Anything, as long as items that are realistic for your family and discuss them together.

Most teenagers already know how to more or less control impulses, which means they will follow these points. The agreement is good because when sanctions come, it makes no sense to sort things out with parents - everything is honest. From the bathroom, candy wrappers and skins must be removed without a sound, and in his room they can rot for at least an eternity.

Important: the contract is not an attempt to get the desired "course of his life" from the teenager, it is not a motivator. This is just a means to clearly separate the boundaries. Therefore, it is not worth adding items like “computer time, no more than two hours a day” and other things that the parent does not personally relate to in any way.

A treaty is a division of rights and duties, territory and resources.

Strategy 3. Hand over autonomy

Want to find mutual language with a teenager - let him defeat himself at least in something. We reduce the initiative and hand over the right to decide for yourself. We can't put you to bed if you haven't gone to bed yourself, and we can't make you put on a hat if you don't think it's cold.

We can think for a long time before letting go, and we can take back the rights if we see that it is heading for a complete collapse.

But we are not disappointed, but constantly test reality - maybe your child is already ready for independence. For example, he overslept on Tuesday and Wednesday, but on Thursday he got ready on time. It turns out such scales: for now we are stronger parents, and here we are already a teenager, and here we are again.

Strategy 4. Discuss plans

From the age of 15-16, it is necessary to let the teenager understand what level of support awaits him after 18, and where we will begin to insure his risks.

This should be very clear. For example: "We will always help you at first and you will be able to live with us." Or: "You are responsible for your studies yourself, we will not excuse you from the army if you do not enter." Or: “Until the sixth year, you don’t have to worry about anything.”

Man must somehow plan his future. And then you live on everything ready, like, but it’s somehow unclear: am I already an adult or not yet? And when I become an adult, then what?

If you clearly discuss all these things together, talk about specific plans for the future and ways to achieve them, a direct close motivation can be born. Only plans should be made by teenagers and parents together. We do not inform the teenager that after 18 he is swept out of our living space and do not try to "give him a good education." Only together and with love we decide the next steps, where the family will always support him.

Strategy 5. Shut down

For every day, our main tool is to turn off. There are such heaters: they heat the air to the specified temperature - once, they turn off, they stand like goodies and cool down. A parent of a teenager should also be able to do this.

The child has broken all the rules, violently resists, does not want anything, or, conversely, wants the wrong thing and our strength is not enough to convince him. Let's ask ourselves if someone will die, God forbid, if we turn off right now. If the question is not deadly at the moment, feel free to switch to the “off” mode.

It is more useful for a teenager to see not a strict parent, but a person who knows that he is right, but refuses to fight. Which, as it were, silently says: "your move", "you yourself know what to do." And, importantly, it lets you do the wrong thing.

This means that we continue to be present, but we cease to conflict. We drink tea peacefully in the kitchen. We only do what we want to do. If our child is difficult and problematic, this is a good prevention of codependency. The main difficulty is to turn off all general thoughts, like "what will grow out of it." Now we are not interested in this, but to live quietly for an hour.

By switching off, we give ourselves a rest and circumstances work for us.

Strategy 6. Get involved

Well, if we know how to turn off, then we also need to turn on correctly. If you want to find a common language with a teenager, set yourself up for friendly chatter every day, which includes your independent remarks, listening to the interlocutor, and feedback.

Choose a topic that is interesting for a teenager (not about school). Turn on, smile, nod, listen. Mentally horrified, but do not evaluate or criticize.

Such a conversation is always effective, even at the time of conflict. Relationships with children almost immediately move to a different quality level, trust and intimacy appear.

Strategy 7. Surprise

By adolescence, our children know us well, and our reactions are habitual and predictable for them.

The essence is not important, the range is important. An affectionate joke, biting irony, absurd absurdity, sometimes sarcasm, and sometimes tenderness, like with a baby.

A teenager is, after all, a kind of baby-adult, a newborn full-fledged member of society. He is born as an adult and in this capacity deserves all sorts of tenderness - only carefully.

Surprise again and again, be different person, and not just the "parent" function, to show how interesting it is - to really communicate, look for ways, approaches to each other, to be alive. Maybe there won’t be fewer stubs in the car, but is it really about them? But all the participants in the conversation will develop a different look at each other, closer and with many discoveries in the future.

Now you know the main 7 strategies for not destroying the parent-child bond and finding a common language with a teenager.

(from birth to 5 years) has arrived, and now we are approaching the "friend" stage. How to behave with a teenager in order to maintain a relationship, says psychologist Satya Das.

The last stage of growing up is called "friend". From about the age of fourteen, the child's parents should understand that he has already grown up. Everything that you could put into it and explain, you have already explained and put into it. If you haven't invested, it's too late to invest, nothing will change.

And in fact, this is the most difficult stage. If we can still somehow imagine and make a child a "king" or "student", then we do not perceive him as a friend at all. How can a friend be a friend who peed in diapers, threw a cat out the window at four years old and did a lot of such stupid things?

What does child friend mean? Is he really supposed to be your friend? It is unlikely that this will work. But at the same time, you are obliged to speak with the child in those words and with the same intonation as when communicating with your real adult friend.

Imagine that you have arrived somewhere with a friend and live in the same hotel room. And so he did not make the bed in the morning, and this annoys you.

How will you tell him about it? You will try to make it softer so that he does not take offense in response and sends you to hell. And you will order your child to remove this bed, without thinking how he will perceive it. But this commanding tone will offend him just as it would offend your friend.

Suppose your child is not a "king" until the age of five, from five to fourteen he is a slave, not a "student", and after fourteen he has not become a friend either. What will happen then? He will run away from you. Do you know what this approach is called? Sneer, emotional aggression against the child.

Until the age of five, a child who is treated this way cries. From five to fourteen years old, he will be offended, silent and closed. From fourteen, he will begin to snap, and you will consider that he has begun.

Transitional age is a myth

But in fact, adolescence is a myth, it does not exist. It is clear that adolescents have more hormones, but when children become uncontrollable, it means that adults sneered and crushed, and children finally learned to resist, snap and defend themselves.

If a child was subjected to emotional aggression before the age of fourteen, then at fourteen there is not a “hormonal explosion”, but simply the child will grow up to the age when he has gained strength to begin to resist aggression. If these are physically strong boys, then at this stage they may well respond to their father, who puts pressure on them, simply physically. And parents attribute this to a hormonal explosion and transitional age.

The best thing you can do with a child over fourteen if you have problems with him is to leave him alone.

You call it a transitional period because it didn't exist before, but now it has suddenly appeared. You hope that the transition period will end with age, but in reality the problems will not go anywhere and will move to a new level. And I urge not to put pressure on children, but to educate yourself.

When the child learns to snap, then his next step will be an attempt to escape from you. Don't be surprised if your sixteen-year-old son wants to go off to study somewhere in the wilderness in some completely exotic specialty, or at fifteen to go to some terrible vocational school on the other side of the country. And you think: "Yes, I myself came from Nizhny Tagil to St. Petersburg, and he wants to leave here, God knows where, why is he doing this, why?"

But in fact, he does all this because he only dreams of one thing - to get away from you, because you are the aggressor in his life. He needs to go somewhere to be away from the crazy parents who are already fed up, and that's why he goes somewhere far away.

A girl has many more opportunities to escape than a boy. She can leave to study, or she can get married. If your daughter, at sixteen, went off with some suspicious guy on a motorcycle, and they got married, then it means that you bullied the poor girl. Perhaps when she is thirty-six and you are fifty-eight, you will restore the relationship. But it is not certain that this will happen.

If you don't do the right thing at every step, problems inevitably arise. Think back to how you felt as a teenager when your parents didn't treat you like a friend. Don't repeat their mistakes.

At fourteen, a child should become a friend, and nothing else. I had one student - a very colorful personality. When he first came to my classes, I asked:

What happened?

He says:

Yes, you know, I have a problem with children.

What's the problem?

They don't listen to me at all. I tell them, but they don't listen. We've been on the fence for a long time. I turn to them, and they answer - get out of here, leave us alone.

I ask, how old are the children? I think ten and twelve.

And he answers:

Twenty five and twenty seven.

Listen, my friend, doesn't it seem to you that you are about twelve or thirteen years late with moralizing?

How late? But I'm their father.

Everyone, from the age of fourteen they should be your friends.

But we are already friends with them.

Look, we are friends. If I start teaching you, telling you what you should wear, what you should eat, how you should think, to whom to pray, and the like, what will you do?

I will send you!

This is how they sent you.

But they are my children!

No, you decide whether you are a friend or not a friend.

And he worried for so long, then the man was released. He began to come to class joyful, because it turned out: not like his bad kids as he thought. He just started making friends with them. Just like being friends with older men. According to the principle: if you want to know how things are, find out, if you can help with something - help, they don’t ask you - shut up. And it turned out that his children are adults, with their own interests, quite normal, and they don’t send him anywhere else.

When your child turns fourteen, be his friend. If he is five years old, see to it that he becomes a proper "disciple". And if he was just born, do not forget that he is a "king".

I am sometimes asked how these phases of parenting go from one to the next. Will the child be shocked that instead of a "king" he suddenly became a "student".

Don't worry. This transition does not happen in two seconds - it turned five years old - and bam, immediately transferred to the "disciples". Transition period matures gradually. With my child, we began to become friends about a year before he turned fourteen. And I slowly prepared myself for this.

The problem is not the child, the problem is the parents. It is they who must not miss the right moment and not blunt. You must tell yourself - everything, my child is my friend. I don't check my friends' diaries. I can’t lecture him and say something like that, because everything had to be said before the age of fourteen.