In this article you will learn about the duties of a man in the family. A man does not have so many truly important duties, but they are so life-defining that when they are fulfilled, the family is doomed to happiness. It will be useful for both men and women, but you don’t need to impose these duties on your husband, but you can try to slip the article.

First of all, a man should understand what marriage (creating a family) is on his part. There is one definition in which all the duties of a man are hidden and it also defines the concept of "marriage".

Marriage means that the husband takes over forever a responsibility for the happiness and well-being of his wife, and also undertakes to protect her in all respects.

That is, if we translate this definition into simpler language, marriage is a lifelong solution to family problems. Now, if a man understands this and accepts it, then it means that he already exists. a real man .

Well, let's look at the duties of a man in the family.

Duties of a real man in the family

• A man must work on himself and strive to become a harmonious personality.

If a man is not engaged in self-improvement, then he will inevitably degrade. His character will deteriorate, appear bad habits, will pursue failures in social activities etc. Therefore, self-development in a man should become an integral part of his life.

He needs to learn to get up early, harden, play sports, study wise books, look for teachers and mentors, and much more. A man must constantly make efforts on himself, only in this way can he cultivate his will, become healthy, successful and happy.

At the same time, one should not force his wife and children to follow his example. On the contrary, he should give them every opportunity for rest, peace and comfort, realizing that he is their protector and can set the right example.

• It is important for a man to follow the path of true spiritual development (VERY IMPORTANT)

This is the most important man's duty. In an ideal example, a man is a spiritual guide for his family, who leads a personal spiritual development and unobtrusively encourages his wife and children to this, but if they are against it, then he needs to leave them alone and continue his own development.

What does true spiritual development mean? We are forced to use the term spirituality today, and spiritual development in a positive way means the development of positive qualities of character, intelligence, awareness, sanity, life according to conscience and simply the desire to become a decent and humane man.

• A man must create comfortable conditions life for family

Men themselves often do not need so much. They need to eat ordinary food, dress simple clothes, sleep and go about your business (to work, etc.). Yes, in our time there are other men whose aspirations are in many ways similar to women's, but we will not talk about them now.

This male asceticism should not be transferred to other family members: wife, children, elderly relatives. On the contrary, a man is obliged to take care of his family, loved ones and not only about them. A harmonious man takes care of the whole world. But you need to start with the family, so she needs to provide comfort and everything else.

And for himself, a man can do any deprivation and restrictions, the main thing is that this should not be to the detriment of the integrity of the family and his personality.

• A man has to earn money

Any normal man seeks to provide for his family and does not expect his wife to do it for him. Financial security is very important for a family, and a man needs to understand this, and not come up with excuses or “mow down” like a monk.

The best way is to find your purpose in the activity and develop in accordance with it. But this way is not always fast and accessible at the moment. Therefore, often a man needs to continue working at the job that he has, and at the same time develop his talents and skills in accordance with his intended purpose.

If a man does not really like his current job, and there are no other options to earn enough money yet, then you need to bite the bullet and continue working there until better prospects appear in life.

• A man should be faithful to his wife

A man should not waste himself on other people's women, cheat on his wife, etc. These are the actions of a degraded and underdeveloped man. Because of such behavior, a man loses his physical and mental strength, destroys the trust of his wife and family as a whole, completely closes his path to spiritual progress.

Therefore, a man can afford close communication only with his wife, plus there is also a mother, sister, etc. But the closest woman for him should already be his wife. The maximum that a man can afford with other women is communication, and not close, but businesslike.

It is very dangerous if a strange woman begins to care for a man, for example, to feed him. Thus, she can subsequently take the man away from the family. Here you need to be careful and the man, and the wife should also "keep your eyes open."

Responsibilities of a man in the family in one list

The most important male family responsibilities are listed above, but they can be supplemented by a number of other responsibilities. Once again about important responsibilities:

• A man must work on himself;
• A man must develop spiritually;
• A man should create comfortable conditions for the family;
• A man has to earn money;
• A man must be faithful.

In addition to these responsibilities, you can also add this list:

1. It is necessary to protect the family in every sense;
2. One must be generous materially and emotionally;
3. You need to be purposeful and understand where family relationships are going;
4. You have to respect your wife;
5. One must be a wise father;
6. You need to be able to make decisions;
7. One must be bold and fearless;
8. You have to be careful and gentle.

Perhaps this is not the whole list, but already these duties are quite enough for the man, for his part, to do everything for the happiness of the family.

Write in the comment below your view on the duties of a man in the family: what did I miss or what did you not like?

Who is responsible for what in a family where there is a co-dependent relationship?

Unfortunately, most families have certain traits and signs of codependence. How pronounced these traits are determines how likely someone in that family is to become addicted. It does not matter who it will be - husband, wife, son or daughter. The issue of responsibility comes to the fore in the family, first of all, responsibility in a couple. What is the husband responsible for? What is the wife responsible for? What are they responsible for as parents? Sometimes one begins to bear responsibility for the fate of another, often while forgetting about their own lives. But only the person himself can be responsible for his life, but not one of his relatives. If someone still takes responsibility, for example, for the life of his spouse, then this does not end well. Relationships begin to be destructive, which is reflected both in the behavior of the other spouse and in the behavior of children.

The “responsible” himself does not understand in any way what he is wrong about? For example, a responsible wife does everything for her husband, even what he can or should do himself, and does not understand what she is wrong about. It is very clearly seen in families where there is a dependent husband (from alcohol, drugs, games, etc.), as the wife takes on more and more responsibility for solving many issues (from domestic, to eliminating, smoothing the consequences husband's use of alcohol or drugs), the more the husband shirks responsibility. The more the husband feels more and more comfortable using drugs or alcohol. But how can you not drink here if the wife will settle everything and decide?

The problem of co-dependent relationships should begin to be solved with the fact that the “super-responsible” family member, on whom “everything rests”, would begin to understand his direct role in the creation and development of destructive relationships. And if there is an addicted patient, then his role in unconscious indulgence and agreement with the use of alcohol. First understand, and only then take action to change the situation. But, as a rule, codependents do not understand their super-responsibility. They believe that they are doing everything right, and for complete happiness it is not enough for their loved ones (husband, daughter, son, wife) to change. They direct all their efforts to change a loved one on their own or with the help of a doctor, a psychologist. At the same time, the “responsible” family member refuses to acknowledge his part of the responsibility for his participation in solving the problem and for changes in himself.

If a partner or child leads a “wrong way of life” (for example, drinking, injecting or behaving aggressively), which is actually destructive, then in this situation the desire of a super-responsible loved one to change the situation looks quite reasonable. And such explanations of a specialist, of the fact that it is impossible to change another without his consent and desire, are not perceived. No one will be able to change a husband, wife, adult child without their desire!

What to do with responsibility?

1. Take responsibility, first of all, for your life, your thoughts, your feelings. What does this mean? Those who are super-responsible for the lives of others often do not know how to take responsibility for their feelings, thoughts, and even actions. They forget about their needs, their inner world filled with another person's life. They get annoyed, angry, scream when something is wrong. Why do they show such emotions? They say that it was the behavior of the other that made them angry, cursing, screaming. No, actually it is not. It is they who are super-responsible and correct who do not know how to react differently to the behavior, albeit destructive, of a loved one.

2. Try to do everything that depends on you as a spouse, if your partner is dependent, bearing responsibility as a partner. If your child is dependent, then try to do everything that depends on you, as a parent responsible for your child. What is it about? It all started when your child or partner was faced with the fact that you famously and intelligently decided to hush up, settle down, settle the consequences of drinking, drugs or gambling. And long before that, for sure, everyone in the family was irresponsible about their duties.

Those who carry destructive behavior in themselves - drink, inject, lose money, must bear full responsibility for their actions and for the consequences. No matter what stage of addiction development your loved one is in, they must be held accountable. And the over-responsible person must learn to take responsibility for their behavior, because to atone for the consequences of destructive behavior is to unconsciously agree and indulge in further substance use or gambling.

Relatives should understand that bearing responsibility for another person does not help him, but, on the contrary, weakens him. Every effort should be made to ensure that the dependent partner or child bears the consequences of their behavior. Of course, relatives try their best to save a drug addict or alcoholic from difficulties.

But having not experienced physical or moral suffering, a drug addict or alcoholic sees no reason to change anything in his life. After all, a drug, alcohol gives pleasure, makes life easier - why run away from this? The addict must enter a state of motivational crisis. This is when you still don’t want to change anything, but the circumstances around him are such that he is forced to take a step towards treatment. No doctor or psychotherapist can create this state without the participation of family members. It is not possible for relatives to act independently, go to specialists, do not waste time in vain.

Super-responsible relatives want to do everything to free the patient from dependence. But, unfortunately, the result of their help is the opposite: they prevent the partner or the child from developing independence and responsibility for their decisions. Thus, the addicts become even weaker. Only pain, fear will give a drug addict or alcoholic an impetus for the first step towards treatment.

3. Give up your inner desire to be with the addict "in a pair", "in the same game." Dependent people are very good manipulators. They can put pressure on pity, appeal to conscience, manipulate, deceive, and sometimes force them to do what they do not want. Relatives are led to these tricks, an invisible game begins. As a result, the addict continues to use, and his close people are increasingly angry and offended by him. At the same time, the addict is increasingly refusing responsibility and even stop making money.

At the same time, addicts are more and more skillfully pressing on the pain points of their loved ones, by way of accusation, causing a feeling of guilt and a desire to please him, so to speak, “help”. That is, addicts are increasingly and more cunningly manipulating loved ones, and super-responsible people are doing what they really don’t want to do. Relatives rely on the fact that the addict will be grateful to them for "help" or fulfill his promise to "go to treatment." But a dependent partner or child, for some reason, does not fulfill his promises and they also do not see gratitude from him.

First of all, relatives are required to be inflexible, firm, refusing to participate in taking drugs or alcohol, the ability to say: “No!”

4. Admit your powerlessness over the desire to change the other person. Take responsibility for your life, your thoughts, actions, feelings. The first step at this stage is to stop feeling sorry for yourself! You will not be able to keep a loved one from using alcohol or drugs. To continue to do for another what he must do for himself, or to continue to do what he must learn to cope with on his own, is to slowly and gradually kill him. Screaming, scandals, reading morals, aggression and violence from close people will not help an alcoholic or drug addict to become different. Your different attitude to his illness, to his addiction, your different attitude to yourself - this is what will benefit you, the family and the addict.

You should not count on instant results, any addiction is a disease that cannot be cured overnight. Moreover, chemical dependence is a progressive, incurable, primary disease from a mind-altering substance. Addiction is a disease that can cause a person's death. But, nevertheless, with this disease, a long-term remission is possible.

Codependency is a more serious condition than addiction. It is the codependency of loved ones that causes breakdowns in addicts who have undergone good rehabilitation. Therefore, the first step of loved ones is a step towards getting rid of their own codependency. This is hard work, it cannot be done alone, it requires the help of specialists, communication in a group with relatives of dependent patients. Bringing back healthy relationships in the family, possibly preventing addiction in later generations, takes time but is worth the effort. Addiction is not only a problem for a dependent family member, it is a task for the entire family system.

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When the word “responsibility” is spoken to us, we immediately transfer it to the category male qualities character, since since childhood we have a certain picture of the necessary women's and men's duties. To be soft, to be able to compromise, to show patience and care - this is our female part. But responsibility is a man's. And even more so if we are talking on responsibility for family life. This same man must take responsibility, protect from dangers, protect from difficulties, and so on. Very comfortable, but fundamentally wrong position.

Both spouses are responsible for the relationship and in general for family life. We women have not been taught to take responsibility for the difficulties and hardships of life. Anyone is always to blame: circumstances, higher powers, fate, husband or neighbors. But not us. How can we be responsible for an alcoholic husband, for example? Or for sickness? For naughty children? For betraying a loved one? After all, it seems obvious that it hurts us, we are. We were offended, but we still have to take responsibility for this???

Shifting responsibility creates a vicious circle in which problems, conflicts, quarrels and mutual recriminations grow like a snowball. Our main task is to remember that the people around us are mirrors that reflect some part of our soul. And than closer man The larger the problem in the relationship, the greater the responsibility lies with us.

For example, consider the case of Snezhana, one of my subscribers. Her husband, previously a perfect family man and teetotaler, started drinking. And more and more often. On this basis, conflicts began to arise in their family, after which he walked and got even more drunk. Is the husband in this case responsible for family life? Of course! Does Snezhana carry her? Most likely, she sincerely believes that no. But really yes! After we analyzed her situation and worked it out, it turned out that the woman completely stopped supporting her husband in his creative endeavors. On the contrary, she believed that creative professions were not a male occupation, but she saw him in the role of an entrepreneur or head of a large company. As a result, Snezhana's husband was left not only without the support of his wife, but also with her constant reproaches. “How are you going to provide for your family? What kind of a man are you if instead of doing serious business, you play the guitar? So he began to lack self-confidence, spiritual emptiness and unfulfillment to drink alcohol. And from the side of Snezhan, of course, he looks like a victim. And smart, and beautiful, and how much she drags on herself, and he drinks!

Until she took responsibility for family life, nothing changed. But as soon as she realized that it was her mistakes, the wrong behavior that led to the consequences in the form of a drinking husband, how everything began to change. Now he is a successful musician who has already released his first album. And he earns, by the way, much more than his wife. And he doesn't drink.

In another situation, it may be the other way around and the husband will be the first to wake up, and the wife will change thanks to his awareness. It doesn’t matter who does it first, the main thing is to learn to take responsibility, to perceive the closest people as your reflection. And it's not easy, oh how easy! But it's worth it. After all, if we have not learned a life lesson, it will be repeated again and again, each time proving to be more and more painful. And so it will be until we turn our attention to ourselves, get out of the state of the victim and begin to change. For the sake of our happiness, for the sake of love, for the sake of the path that our soul has chosen.

(from questions on the women's forum)

Modern women like to reproach men for "unwillingness to take responsibility." Let's talk about this notorious responsibility: what is meant by it, in fact, and why is it for a man.

First of all, let's clarify a number of PRINCIPAL points:

You can only be held responsible for what is controlled and managed by you. There are no levers for controlling an object - it will not work and be responsible for its behavior.

If a person does not make decisions, but someone else makes them, then a person cannot and should not be responsible for other people's decisions;

Responsibility ALWAYS implies the emergence of certain RIGHTS. There is no responsibility without rights, and there should be no rights without responsibility. Responsibility is the flip side of having rights. Thus, the captain of a frigate is responsible for the crew and the ship itself, but at the same time he enjoys extended RIGHTS: he manages people, has the right to make decisions, give orders and punish them for non-compliance.

A man entering the modern so-called. "official marriage" does not receive essentially ANY RIGHTS. This man must clearly understand that with a probability of 80-85% his "family" will not live up to the age of five. Given the Russian practice of leaving children almost exclusively with their mothers (98%) and the fact that 70% of these ex-wives actively prevent (and quite successfully!) Children from communicating with their fathers, we draw a disappointing conclusion: children in Russia do NOT belong to their fathers.

Yes, formally, fathers are endowed with equal rights with mothers in relation to children. In fact, the right of the father is practically not ensured by anything. The father, from whom the child has been isolated, has practically nothing to oppose to the despotism of the child's mother. As a last resort, the court will fine the ex-wife for 2 tr. and make a decision to communicate with the child 2 or 3 hours a week.

And even this decision will not be secured by anything: non-execution of the court decision threatens ex-wife with the same minimum penalty. We state: there are NO RIGHTS of fathers. There are only RESPONSIBILITIES.

Women usually like to argue: "You need to be a normal father, then a woman will allow you to communicate with a child" or "yes, a sane aunt will never deprive a child of communication with a normal father." Those. there is NO real RIGHT to communicate with your child, live with him and raise him with his father. This question depends on the good will of the ex-wife. If he wants to, he will let him talk to the child, if he doesn’t want to, he won’t. The father does not have the RIGHT, but he is imposed a “responsibility” in the form of alimony. A man has no right even in such a seemingly fair issue as controlling the spending of alimony, which he formally pays “in the interests of the child.”

Let's return to the so-called. "marriage".

The official husband has no right to the fidelity of his wife. He has no right to sexual satisfaction. Even the residence of a wife with her husband is not guaranteed under the current legislation. A man is not guaranteed the protection of his own investments in the family: after all, everything that he has earned and brought to the family can easily be divided with already ex-wife as "jointly acquired".

Modern marriage is a frank wiring of a man, in terms of duties, responsibilities and rights - a complete absurdity for a man.

We remember that there is no responsibility WITHOUT RIGHTS.

Patriarchal marriage has been stable for thousands of years, also because it implied a very precise balance, an organic correspondence of RIGHTS and duties, RESPONSIBILITIES of each family member.

Let me remind the reader of the main principles of patriarchal marital relations:

A man mainly provides for a woman and common offspring, a man protects his family members
The man is the owner of the common house and manages the resources of the whole family
A man makes strategic decisions for himself and for the whole family
A woman enters the house and family of a man and accepts his rules, she UNCONDITIONALLY recognizes the seniority of a man
A woman gives birth to a man's children
A woman makes and implements decisions of the level of her competence (taking care of her husband, children and home, minor household issues)

Thus, a man has more leverage, rights than a woman. But it also carries a huge responsibility. For a woman and offspring, for their protection and provision.

Now this balance is greatly disturbed. Women have canceled their own duties, thrown off responsibility - they have the audacity to openly declare that they owe nothing to anyone, but they are trying to demand the same patriarchal duties from men.

Women received complete extra-/pre-marital sexual, reproductive freedom, complete freedom of marital choice. When, with whom and how many times to go to bed - in the modern "marriage" it happens or not, it does not matter. There are no punishments, no public censure, no responsibility of the woman herself. She has no decree with what men and when to sleep. So on what basis does a woman assume that after getting close to her, a man owes her something?

The demand by women from men to take on “responsibility” is a demand to be an efficient and easy-to-use idiot: to take on a lot of RESPONSIBILITIES with almost no RIGHT. That's right: the woman wants, the woman decides, but to answer - that is, for some reason, supposedly, a man should pay, fix, build, repair, provide.

The word “responsibility” is very often heard from women in the context of pregnancy: they say, “if you got your pisyun, then you should bear responsibility for the consequences.” Well, what kind of responsibility can there be if 98% of protection technologies are in the hands of a woman, in Russia a woman enjoys the sole right to a reproductive decision? If a woman does not want to, she will never get pregnant. For herself, a woman does not imply any responsibility for her own pleasure from sex with a man, but she demands from a man.

Here the following substitution of meaning takes place: the consent of a man to copulate with a woman is replaced by consent to fatherhood (“he knew, after all, that children come from sex”). At the same time, for the woman herself, sex and orgasm during sex does not create the slightest obligation to a man. Well, in fact, does a woman AFTER sex become OBLIGED to conceive, endure, give birth to a child for a man? Nothing like this. But from a man, women for some reason demand to be responsible for HER, women, a sole decision.

Earlier, 200 years ago, there were virtually no contraceptives, early diagnosis of pregnancy, legal abortions. Then - yes: both the man and the woman understood that a child could be born as a result. Marriage actually meant, among other things, the voluntary acceptance by both spouses of childbearing “until victorious” - “how much Gd will give”.

Modern women are in full control of childbearing, they have the knowledge, technologies for contraception and termination of pregnancy, and legal guarantees to ensure the ONE reproductive solution. A woman may secretly protect herself from her partner, and he may waste his reproductive time on fruitless attempts to conceive a child. A woman, on the contrary, can lie about “ safe days”, taken pills and even infertility, and then “suddenly” become pregnant. A woman can give birth to a child, but not even inform her biological father about this event. A woman can have an abortion, but not even notify her official husband. All this women can do. And they do it calmly. From men, they demand “responsibility”. Only on the grounds that, by MUTUAL consent, she was in bed with a man.

The worst thing is that this desperate imbalance of the rights and responsibilities of men and women exists not only in the painful consciousness and beliefs of women of our matriarchal era, but it is firmly enshrined in laws and law enforcement practice. And this bias must be eliminated.

If a man does not have the rights of a reproductive decision, then no duties can be imputed to him. The woman decides - only she should answer.

Paternity should be desired and VOLUNTARY, not imputed. Only then can it be RESPONSIBLE. The rights of parents to communicate with the child must be really equal, not on paper, but in practice. If a parent pays alimony, he has every right to know exactly how this money is spent.

The requirement of “responsibility” is directly tied to the “real man” manipulation, about which I have already written a lot.

Oleg Novoselov once voiced one very simple, but very important thought: “A man should not be responsible for the consequences of decisions that he did not make.” But modern women, prone to dominance, they just love to make decisions, dictate to a man what to do, but in the event of an unfavorable result, put all the blame on him. If the result is satisfactory, then the woman will not hesitate to take credit for it.

Men, write this rule on your wall in meter letters:
“YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CONSEQUENCES OF NOT YOUR DECISIONS.”

As B. Bardo said, “ Marriage is an agreement whose terms are reviewed and reaffirmed daily.". Indeed, a well-distributed responsibility in the family, taking into account the capabilities, abilities and needs of all family members, serves as a good safety rope on a bumpy path. family life. Helps to understand each other better. In some way, create an important framework in relationships that allows, on the one hand, not to lose yourself, on the other hand, to feel like a part of something bigger and find your own place in this small society called family. Unfortunately, many young people families, and even families with decent experience, there are serious problems with this. In addition, people manage to adapt to such an inconsistent and uncomfortable family life. As a result, constant quarrels over "trifles", chronic fatigue, a feeling of uselessness, loneliness, somatic disorders and much, much more, interfering with internal and family harmony. And then the family safe haven, a reliable rear turns into a bloody battlefield, iron shackles, a pile of ashes and debris.

From my professional experience, there are 6 categories of families in which responsibility is distributed in a destructive way.

1. Irresponsible (infantile) families. The concept of responsibility in such families is completely absent. Husband and wife, like little children, are looking for an adult who will tell them how to do the right thing. The spouses do not know how to draw conclusions from their mistakes, but happily tap dance on their favorite rake. They seem to go with the flow, giving all power to circumstances, the state, God. The main problem for such people is the inability to notice their own contribution to this or that situation, both positive and negative. Because of this, family responsibilities cannot be distributed. Both spouses do not know what they are doing well. In addition, they do not know how to negotiate like adults. The second acute problem is misunderstanding, because both spouses sincerely believe that their partner is obliged to read their thoughts, guess desires. At the same time, they themselves often have problems with understanding their own needs. That. the partner is given an impossible task - to guess what the husband (wife) wanted, despite the fact that the latter himself does not know anything about it, which leads the partner into an impasse in advance. For example, a wife, having quarreled with her friend, comes home in bad mood. She does not recognize her need to be comforted by her spouse. The husband, in turn, does not consider it necessary to pester his wife with questions at all, because is unable to do this. As a result, a woman, feeling lonely and misunderstood, begins to break down on her husband or goes offended. The husband is offended in response, because, perhaps, he also needs affection and acceptance of his missus. As a result, the wall of misunderstanding is growing stronger between the spouses every day, and no one dares to take responsibility for solving the problem that has arisen. Such families can play silent for months, or even years. Stubbornly waiting for an opportunity for SOMEONE to reconcile them. It's sad if a child takes on this role! Depriving themselves of childhood, children in such families can take on the role of an adult, which his parents so need. In the future, this may threaten a child with various psychosomatic disorders, as a result of an unbearable burden for a small person. If someone else takes on this role, for example, a grandmother, then the child learns, on the one hand, parental helplessness, and on the other, permissiveness. The matter is left to chance, or the family is waiting for help from outside adults (their own parents, neighbors, social services, etc.) RECOMMENDATIONS: - each of the spouses learn to be aware of their own needs and desires; expectations, while hearing the needs of the other side; - nurture an adult within your own personality, and not look for him in the outside world;
2. Monopoly families. In such families, all responsibility, or almost all, goes to one of the spouses. As a result, a person who drags everything on himself constantly feels tired, undervalued and angry at his helpless partner. The latter, in turn, is tormented by a mixture of guilt and growing rage at his other half, often feels unnecessary. At the same time, the person who has assumed full responsibility does not notice that CAM is not ready, for some reason, to share family power. Positioning himself as Atlas, he only strengthens the partner's irresponsibility and helplessness. Behind such a desire to be responsible for everything, there is usually a great need for control and distrust of the world around us. For example, families in which the wife does everything: she earns money and raises children (including her husband, by the way. He is her eldest child ), and solves domestic issues, and the husband is so negligent on the couch, buried in a laptop. At first glance, it may seem that the man is well settled, like cheese in butter rolls: he lives on everything ready, his wife is responsible for everything. But let's not forget that someone who is not responsible for anything is deprived of any healthy power and has no right to vote. Men in such families do not feel truly needed and fulfilled as a husband and father. He lives on everything ready, but the price for this is the lack of affection, respect and recognition from his wife, as well as the constant discontent and depreciation of a tired woman. RECOMMENDATIONS: - A spouse who takes all responsibility for himself should learn to rely on his partner - the other spouse should get rid of his helplessness by returning faith in himself; - the first should learn to reduce his control, the second should not be led by provocations and competently defend his borders. For example, a wife tries to control how well her husband nails the baseboard, instead of getting angry and quitting what he started, he points his wife to his boundaries: "Get out of the room! Your comments make me angry and distracted! Come in when I'm done!"
3. dependent families. Families in which responsibility is like a ball thrown to each other. This category of families is similar to the category of irresponsible families in that no one wants to take responsibility, but unlike the first, here the spouses shift it purposefully onto each other. For example, I don’t clean the house because you don’t earn much, and thoughts about money prevent me from doing my direct duties! Or, I pay little attention to the child because you interfere in our relationship! In a more global sense, a woman, for example, may not take responsibility for her failure in the profession, arguing that she would have achieved a lot if her husband LET her go to work. Or an alcoholic husband may claim that he drinks because the family does not understand him. The responsibility can also be shifted to the child. Classical, "I devoted my whole life to you, and you! Ungrateful!" Here we are talking about more serious and destructive psychological games. The lack of a competent framework within the family leads to dependent relationships. RECOMMENDATIONS: - To learn spouses to take responsibility for their own thoughts, actions, desires; - not to take responsibility for the thoughts, desires, actions of their partner;
4. Families in which responsibility is taken without regard to gender. In such families, the woman takes on the men's duties, and the man takes on the women's. On the one hand, I don’t see anything wrong with this, if it is due either to a temporary period, or if the partners sincerely agreed on such a distribution and value and respect each other, feel gratitude for the contribution that each of them makes to the development of the family. But my professional experience says that often spouses, outwardly agreeing to an exchange of role responsibilities, feel dissatisfaction deep inside and get angry at each other for this. Performing, for a long time, the duties of the opposite sex, people begin to feel hungry in the realization of their female / male part, or they begin to lose respect or interest in their partner. For example, a housewife husband may begin to experience a natural male need for the manifestation of such qualities as purposefulness, determination, competitiveness, and in the conditions of home life he cannot fully apply them. As a result, a man begins to envy his wife and get angry at her for having more opportunity to display these qualities. Or the wife may wake up the need for implementation female energy, which is difficult to manifest if you are constantly faced with male tasks. RECOMMENDATIONS: - If one of the spouses has a feeling of their own unfulfillment or begins to burden their duties, immediately talk about it with a partner; - Look for ways to realize their female / male part within the family, in addition to fulfilling the responsibilities that the partner has taken on; - Reconsider distribution of duties. For example, a wife could cook on holidays or weekends, and a husband could go to work part-time;
5. Competing families. In such families, there is a constant struggle for responsibility, or rather for power in the family. For example, a husband and wife begin to compete over who earns more money, or who is better at raising a child. As a result, the responsibility belongs, as it were, to everyone and no one at the same time! Children in such families, taking advantage of the inconsistency in the upbringing of their parents, grow up prone to arbitrariness, on the one hand. On the other hand, opposite messages from parents traumatize the child, infecting them with guilt. Plus, being the object of parental competition, he does not get such an important feeling of being loved and needed, which undermines the baby's trust in the world around him. RECOMMENDATIONS: - Learn to negotiate; - Seek pleasure and emotions not only in the struggle, but also in spiritual unity;
6. Responsibility is distributed without regard to the desires, needs, abilities and personal qualities of each or one of the spouses. For example, the husband, by default, must pick up the child from school. This does not take into account either his work schedule or the state of health at work. this moment. Or the wife takes care of the family budget, but does not emotionally pull this role. She does not cope well with this duty, but for some reason she does not want to share this burden with her husband. Often such a need arises due to the inability to negotiate among themselves, or if one of the spouses has problems accepting support. Such people are like obedient children who are used to being comfortable and not able to say the word “no”. RECOMMENDATIONS: - to form the ability to competently talk with a partner, explaining your desires, while hearing the needs of the other side; - on the basis of such conversations, redistribute duties or share responsibility; - make duties more flexible. For example, if the wife is tired and not feeling well, the husband can cook dinner himself. In conclusion, I want to say that in order to distribute responsibility competently, with benefit and comfort for all family members, it is necessary to be able to talk to each other. And that means LISTENING to the other person! Understand your needs and interests, and convey to your partner. Know how to negotiate! Make a compromise! And most importantly, take the risk of building CLOSE relationships! And this is the ability to open up, and the ability to trust, and the willingness to accept your loved one, and not try to change for the sake of your desires.