They are sure that in old age they can easily do without a glass of water, which there will be no one to serve. And they know that humanity will not die out, because not everyone will follow their example and stop giving birth. From their point of view, life without children is a joy. Let's try to figure out who these people are and why they think so?
Childfree are men and women (and not just women) who deliberately refuse to have children. Contrary to idle speculation, for the most part they are adequate and do not have mental abnormalities. If you ask the most ideological supporters of the current - very intelligent, successful and educated - why they made such a choice, in response you can probably hear lengthy arguments about the unwillingness to aggravate the demographic situation on the planet and their personal contribution to the fight for the environment. But one should not think that there are no more real (and not far-fetched) reasons. There are at least six more good reasons not to give birth.

1. Thank you parents

Behind the reluctance to have children are always family stories - very different, but at the same time similar to each other. These are stories in which there were problems with parental love - it either did not exist at all, or vice versa - there was too much. It’s a paradox, but ignoring by mom and dad children who grow on their own like grass, and overprotection, when parents literally suffocate the child with their love, can give the same result. Grown up children do not want to give birth to their grandchildren. Some are afraid that the childhood of their children will also be unsweetened, others are not ready to turn their whole life into an endless feat of self-denial for the sake of the next generation. In addition, thanks to the "hothouse" education, reason number 2 can easily arise.

2. Infantilism

Many childfrees are residents of the same country as Peter Pan and the Tinker Bell Fairy, even if at first glance they seem completely grown-up and independent. Them psychological age does not match biological. It is clear that the desire to acquire offspring and take responsibility for the child. absent in such immature adults. What for? After all, they already have the most beloved, beloved and dear child, who needs to be pampered, groomed and cherished - it is themselves.

3. Fears

The figure deteriorates from pregnancy: the chest sags to the knees, stretch marks make the stomach ugly; giving birth is painful and scary, you can remain a cripple. Children are sleepless nights, unkempt hair, circles under the eyes, screaming, screaming and endless problems, the right way say goodbye to inner freedom, a cross placed on professional growth... The list of such arguments - both truthful and frankly ridiculous, can be endless. And any of them can become one of the reasons for refusing to procreate. To find out why this or that argument became the basis of a child-free worldview is really only at an individual consultation with a psychologist. But, as you understand, they are in no hurry to this meeting.

4. Selfishness

Many childfree people are afraid that the appearance of children will no longer allow them to fully enjoy life, as they do now, confuse all plans, make it difficult to climb the career ladder, force them to change priorities, etc. Therefore, they prefer to live "for themselves", without denying themselves anything.

5. Desire to be in trend

Where is the fiery revolutionary Clara Zetkin, who dared to say that a child is a man's leash, to the current stars who openly and boldly promote life without children. Celebrities, who are often role models (note that there are no frankly ugly losers among them and cannot be by default), are not shy in their statements. So it turns out that some are delighted with Renee Zellweger, who is sure that children are voluntary slavery, others are from Kim Cattrall, who is the most capable of “being a good aunt”, and still others are inspired by the example of Eva Mendes, who prefers healthy sleep and a quiet life of communication with "cute assholes."

6. Masking infertility

Among non-breeders on a “voluntary” basis, there are also those whose statements about their unwillingness to have children are a kind of psychological defense mechanism that makes it easier to cope with the presence of problems in the reproductive sphere. The principle “I didn’t really want to” sounds in this case about the same as “Green grapes”, but it relieves the feeling of shame, awkwardness that arises when it is necessary to admit to others in one’s own sterility.
Despite the fact that the childfree movement is gaining momentum year by year, many people are in no hurry to talk about the fact that they share this ideology. They do not seem to be against procreation, they simply “postpone” the birth of children “for later”. At some point, they understand that they need to choose between “now or never” and choose “never”, without entering into a confrontation with society.

According to statistics, about 5% of couples who want to have children suffer from infertility. Of these, about half of the cases are due to some kind of deviation in physiology. The reasons for the rest lie in psychosomatics, or, to put it more simply, in the psychological mood. This applies to both partners - both women and men.

“Psychological infertility is seen as the result of a woman's conscious or unconscious reluctance to have a child. Sometimes it is a fear of pregnancy and childbirth, sometimes it is an unwillingness to have a child from this man, sometimes - resistance to changes in appearance, which pregnancy can lead to, etc. ”

How does this happen

The human brain is an amazing thing. If for some reason he considers something wrong, he can “prohibit” other bodies from performing certain operations. For example, if in your soul you have a lot of doubts about the upcoming pregnancy, then the brain is able to take advantage of this and give a signal to the organs to prevent conception or even get rid of the unwanted fetus.

Psychological problems, stress, hushed up doubts of even one of the spouses can lead to the fact that a healthy couple does not have children. That is why in modern reproductive medicine, psychological counseling plays a very important role.

The reasons

What causes psychological infertility? There are many reasons: side effect from taking medication, worries about money, an unresolved dilemma between family and career, a phobia that the child will be born sick or that the spouse may leave the family. In the end, even the shameless psychological pressure already established in our society “Well, when are you planning a baby?” from close and even unfamiliar people can do its job.

In the zone of special risk are too impressionable natures and people who, on the contrary, keep everything to themselves. The former suffer from the fact that they exaggerate their difficulties, while the latter simply do not give vent to their own emotions.

One of the most common causes of psychological infertility is that a couple begins to worry about problems conceiving, when in fact there are no problems. Statistics show that with an active sexual life, 85% of women become pregnant within a year, and 95% within two years. So don't label yourself as "infertile" if you and your partner have only been trying to conceive for the past few months. Such experiences cause unnecessary stress, and where stress is, there is a risk of psychosomatic diseases. In my practice, there were cases when, due to unnecessary emotional experiences, the patient had unpleasant changes in the body. Therefore, when they say that many diseases are caused by nerves, these are not empty words.

According to a survey of 200 couples seen in reproductive clinics, 50% of women and 15% of men remember waiting for pregnancy as the most depressing of their lives. Another study found that women suffering from infertility are at about the same level of depression as those suffering from cancer or suffering from the consequences of a heart attack.

Reproductive and endocrine systems under such a serious pressure of psychological factors without special help may not restore their functions at all.

How to understand that you have psychological infertility

Here are the main reasons that can provoke psychological infertility:

• Do you regularly experience severe stress at work?
• you blame yourself for infertility or perceive the absence of children as a punishment for your previous lifestyle (a large number of sexual partners or the termination of a previous pregnancy);
• you do not trust your partner or think that he is not quite ready for the birth of a child;
• You have not fully answered the question of whether children are needed right now. Or, for example, you were recently promised a promotion and you do not want to refuse it because of the decree;
• you have at least some signs of depression;
• you have not fully resolved financial and other domestic issues related to the birth of a child;
• recently you have experienced a serious psychological shock (loss of a loved one, accident, flood or fire, major financial setbacks);
• you are subjected to serious psychological pressure from others due to the lack of pregnancy and children.

Analyzing your life for the presence of unspoken problems and thoughts is only the first step. The second is to ask about the possible anxieties of your partner. Men are usually less prone to heart-to-heart talk, but it may well turn out that the reason is not so much in you as in the partner's secret anxieties. If there is at least a suspicion of depression, you should definitely consult a specialist - not only for the sake of the unborn child, but also for your own well-being.

How to treat

The best way to protect yourself from worries about conception is to make sure that everything is in order with the health of your couple, and ... relax. The less you think about the fact that the child is your goal, the faster you will be able to conceive. If you have been suffering from a lot of stress at work lately, then the ideal option is to take an extended vacation and move away from worries with your spouse. Engage yourself in a new project - for example, start learning foreign languages ​​or sign up for some club of interest. The main thing is not to let thoughts about possible pregnancy take all your attention.

Diagnosing the real cause of psychological infertility without the help of specialists can be quite difficult. Sometimes it's enough just to relax, and sometimes you need to connect the "heavy artillery" - psychotherapy, relaxation techniques (yoga, meditation, acupuncture, massage) and even medicines.

I can give two illustrative examples from practice when the problem of patients was in my head.

In the first case, the couple tried to get pregnant for three years, despite the fact that we did not find physiological reasons for infertility in partners. It turned out that during this time they experienced a serious illness. loved one, took out a large loan and experienced a lot of stress at work. We advised the couple to take a long vacation and generally not contact them for a while. outside world- without the Internet, calls from work and communication in social networks. Helped! Literally immediately after returning from vacation, the patient found out about the pregnancy and subsequently gave birth to a healthy baby.

In the second case, a lot of work had to be done. At a psychotherapy session, it turned out that the wife suffered a severe psycho-emotional trauma at a young age, which none of her relatives even knew about. The woman herself, after this psychological trauma, began to consider herself unworthy of having children. After a long personal and family psychotherapy, the long-awaited pregnancy came.

Therefore, in each case, the decision will be individual, but it is better to start with a consultation with your reproductologist. If he understands that the reason lies in the head, then he will appoint an appointment with a psychotherapist.

Eleonora Kozlova, psychotherapist at the Center for Reproductive Health "SM-Clinic".

Hello! I have a question for Alexandra Budnitskaya with the following content: I myself do not want to have children (I am 32 years old). And this did not bother me until I met and fell in love with a man who loves children, really wants to have his own children and takes the issue of their upbringing very seriously, etc. And now I don't know what to do. Should I exterminate my reluctance to have children, fight it, persuade myself for the sake of this man, or break up with him and not ruin his life? Let him find a woman who will become a good wife and mother of his children? Thanks."

TheSolution psychologist's answer:

In your question, I distinguish two aspects: your attitude towards motherhood and your own children - and your attitude towards marriage and your husband.

My colleague, being interested in your question, agreed to help me and shed light on the first aspect in great detail and intelligibly. I will concentrate on the second.
Speaking about your husband's love for children, you are not describing his true feelings, but rather your superficial impressions and fears. (I judge the superficiality of your impressions by the fact that during the entire time of your marriage, you and your spouse, apparently, did not discuss the children's topic in detail; therefore, your impression of his feelings was formed on the basis of infrequent observations of how your husband reacts to strangers children).

I find it important to admit the following: the true feelings of your husband in relation to children in general, and especially to your own children, may differ significantly from the feelings he transmits to the outside.

Love of children is probably the most socially desirable quality. " Good people love children” is a very common stereotype. Not far from him are the conclusions: "All women love children" and "All women love men who love children." Guided by these stereotypes, many young men, wanting to look like a “good person” in the eyes of others, and especially wanting to please a certain woman, show a love for children that they don't really feel.

Evidence of the correctness of this assumption can be found in the numerous complaints of young mothers about the "sudden change" in their husbands.

Men who were touched by the sight of advertising babies, willingly played once a year with their little nephews and competently discussed pedagogical trends, "suddenly" categorically refuse to bother with their own newborns.
It is likely that until your husband has children of his own, you will not be able to find out what his true feelings are towards children. Perhaps he himself does not know it yet.

It would also be interesting to understand what exactly repels you in motherhood.

If these are practical, organizational problems (lack of sleep, visits to the pediatrician, walking with a stroller in the absence of a ramp and elevator in the house, a career break), then they could be solved with the help of financial preparation, several nannies and a grandmother. This is the more common solution to this problem.

There is also another solution to the problem, it is less common, but according to the law it has the right to be. This is a way - in which all responsibility is shifted to the husband. For example, a husband might take maternity leave instead of you, spending the first year with the child, and then picking up a nanny for him, Kindergarten etc.

I believe that you should in any case talk to your husband about children, without informing him of the “final decision” yet and focusing not on romantic feelings, but on the purely practical side of the matter.

Perhaps your husband, having learned about his upcoming participation in courses for future parents, in childbirth, that he will have to take a break in his career, visit a pediatrician, be responsible for feeding the child himself, abandon his office in favor of a nursery, etc. . will hasten to inform you that he is not in a hurry to have children at all. Perhaps, on the contrary, he will willingly agree - and you will have to decide whether you are ready to make an exclusively bodily contribution to your parenthood, bearing and giving birth to a baby and actually transferring him to her husband for upbringing, retaining your usual way of life with a few exceptions.

In any case, it is important to remember: You are not responsible for your husband's feelings.

You can't "ruin his life". He is solely responsible for the quality of his life. If you are determined to never have children, it would be fair to inform your husband about this. He, as an adult, will deal with his feelings himself, asking you for help if he feels the need for it.
But, I believe, before making a final decision, you should carefully consider and discuss some points regarding both your deepest motives and emotions, your ideas about an ideal marriage and ideal motherhood, and the purely practical side of parenthood.

In your case, it is also important to deal with your deepest motives for not wanting to have children.

Sometimes it happens as a consequence of what kind of story to make out of your life. For example, a person who was hated and bullied by his own parents may take in childhood a negative decision not to procreate.

In some families, parents and children change psychological roles.

This can be understood by the strange pattern of interaction between them. A forty- or fifty-year-old mother (or father) begins to behave like a child in communication. He asks his children for advice, tells about infidelities, asks his son or daughter to solve their marital conflicts, demands care and money. If children play the psychological role of parents for their parents, then they may not have the desire to have children of their own.. Because the appearance small child would change the existing family psychological situation fundamentally. Parents would have to stop using family members to solve their psychological problems and turn to a psychologist.

Sometimes personal immaturity is hidden behind the unwillingness to have children, which manifests itself in the unwillingness to take responsibility and live only for oneself.

This is the case in case of incongruent personal development. Incongruent personal development is uneven development, with internal conflict and mismatch between parts of the personality. In such cases, some parts of the personality are developed according to age, and some are far behind in development. This means that a person can be many years old, everything is fine with his intellect, but psychological development corresponds rather adolescence(everyday example is touchiness or the habit of not talking for a week in a quarrel or saying “he / she made me angry”).

The main parameters of adulthood, personal maturity are the ability to take responsibility, overcome difficulties and the ability to achieve long-term goals.

When a person quickly lights up and also quickly goes out, avoids responsibility and difficulties, reacts with helplessness when stressed(shrugs his hands and does not know how to solve problems), then we are talking about disharmony of personal development. In this case, a person may not want to have children precisely because unwillingness to work, bear responsibility and care for many years in a row every day about babies.

In your situation, it would be helpful to analyze your true motives and the causes of the problem.

It could be negative early childhood decisions reversed psychological roles in family subsystems, personal immaturity, financial and organizational unpreparedness. Once you figure out your true motives, you can make a psychologically intelligent decision about the best way to solve the problem.

What are THE REASONS such a trend?
Having studied information on the Internet, I have the impression that people who flatly refuse to become parents are often selfish, and / or their own childhood was not the most rosy. A person simply does not want to relive childhood years / having not received maternal love, does not find in himself the desire to bestow it.
Other reasons are unwillingness to part with their freedom and a life full of entertainment, fear of responsibility, careerism, lack of a life partner, overpopulation of the planet and, of course, financial insolvency, although last factor not from the first row.
On the contrary, sociologists argue that this type of people are often highly educated and have a prestigious job, therefore it is the desire to realize themselves professionally for them that is the main thing in life, and children will only interfere with such an aspiration.
However, my opinion is this: it is better to consciously refuse motherhood than to give birth, because "it is customary" or even worse "to save the marriage."

Let's move on to astrology. As in a horoscope, you can see how much a woman subconsciously strives to become a mother. To do this, analyze the indicators of the "home" of children and the position of the moon.
- The sign of Taurus on the 5th cusp / ex 5th in Taurus / Venus at 5m / Moon in Taurus or the sign of Cancer on the 5th cusp / ex 5th in Cancer / Moon in Cancer in the horoscope of a woman cause a desire to become a mother in the absence of serious lesions of these elements.
It is worth paying attention to the Moon, which is discussed in more detail below using examples of celebrities.

The most difficult signs, coldly related to motherhood in my opinion, are Capricorn, Virgo and Aquarius. If they are associated with the house of children in the natal chart, it is very unlikely that a person will become a parent with many children.
For example, Capricorn in this position is not only a late child, but also "children are too responsible a step." If at the same time the ruler of Capricorn - Saturn is damaged, this is already a serious unwillingness to have children.

Let's look at a few examples.
Kim Cattrall- actress best known for her role as Samantha Jones in the television series "Sex in big city”, despite the fact that she was married three times, she never wanted children. Kim admits that when she comes home after have a hard day, I want to get enough sleep, and not sing a lullaby.
It would seem that the cusp of the 5th house is in the home sign of Cancer, but the Moon is in the 12th region of the horoscope squared to Saturn (at least a cool relationship with the mother, a feeling of dislike, dissatisfaction with children's needs) and in opposition to Pluto (a feeling of threat from the mother - a subconscious fear of destroying that , what do you like).
Plus, the Moon in opposition to the Sun is a symbol of the father - often a problematic relationship between parents. Regarding the childhood of the actress, I could not find information, but with such a Moon there is no doubt, everything was not easy.

The next actress who does not regret not becoming a mother is Rene Zellweger. “Children are voluntary slavery,” Rene is sure. No wonder the 5th house in Capricorn, children are perceived as a limitation. The moon is also in the 12th house, although it is quite harmonious.

Patricia Cus has a conjunction of the Moon and Pluto at 8m, the Moon square Venus, which often gives an internal conflict of two female images- maternal and sexual, for the owners of this aspect it is difficult to realize how it is possible to be a mother and a sexual-flowering woman at the same time.

And finally, the horoscope of a man - George Clooney who claimed to be more fond of animals. No wonder he only became a father this year at the age of 56.
The Moon is also the ruler of the house of children, but in exile in conjunction with Saturn and in opposition to Mars.

MOSCOW, August 2 - RIA Novosti. Conscious refusal to have children, called "childfree", causes healthy irritation and rejection in society. Psychologists told RIA Novosti about why this phenomenon is still not so scary and how close people can influence the decision not to have a child.

Old problem with a new name

"The danger of the phenomenon" childfree "for society is too exaggerated. It has always existed, it just got that name now. By the way, it's good when something is named, because it makes you see the problem more clearly," the Center's consultant believes. social assistance families and children "Khamovniki" Olga Danilenko.

In her opinion, the commitment to "childfree" can be considered as a passing phenomenon, since many people who preferred to be childless at a certain stage of life due to their profession or beliefs, in the end still acquire offspring.

“It’s not for nothing that many doctors, when it comes to sterilization, refuse to do it, because they are afraid of lawsuits. A person’s position may simply change over time, and he will go to court. After all, everyone speaks out only because of their current situation,” added she is.

The cult of children

"Trouble modern society- this is great amount ungrown children. This is a property of the present time, a feature of our era,” says family psychologist Anna Khnykina, naming the reason why people can refuse to have a child.

"Big kids" do not want to let other children into their lives who will take time, destroy comfort, bring chaos and demand decisions. There are many reasons for the infantilization of society, but, according to Danilenko, it is partly justified by the existing cult of the child: increased, paramount attention is paid to childhood and youth, while maturity fades into the background.

“It seems that being a child is much better, but this is not so, because a child cannot be completely free. He does not take responsibility and at the same time cannot influence events,” she explained.

The cult of the child appeared as a result of the fact that medicine began to improve in the world, and in particular in Russia, the mortality rate of newborns decreased, and the social upheavals of the 20th century led to a reduction in the number of children in one family. A series of studies on the role of childhood trauma in the formation of personality, initiated by Sigmund Freud, led to the fact that adults felt super-responsible for their attitude towards children.

“This has given rise to a very special behavior, when parents are so laid out that they burn out. They give all their strength to the child, push their needs into the background and eventually fall into emotional dependence on him, and he begins to be responsible for them. emotional condition. This close relationship can be so difficult that in adulthood, close relationships can simply scare a person, ”Danilenko explained.

Children are not the only meaning of life

"There can be many sources of meaning in life. Relationships are a very important source, but these are not always relationships with children, it can also be relationships with a partner, with friends, with some close people. In this sense, a person can live a meaningful life without children. But another thing is that some people feel that children are what they lack for meaning, "says psychologist Yevgeny Osin.

In his opinion, if a person decides to have a child, he will need an equal share of selfishness and altruism. “On the one hand, a parent must understand that he will spend a lot of effort and years on raising a child, and this may not pay off in any way. On the other hand, if he completely abandons selfishness, then this will then lead to all sorts of conflicts,” he explained.

Experts agree that children are happy only when their parents are happy, and for this they need to learn how to combine raising a child and fulfilling their own desires.

"If we consider children as a way of self-realization, then in this case, it is probably better not to have them. When parents begin to embody their own goals and plans through the child, he no longer feels truly desired and necessary, and this leads to neuroses ", Osin added.

Tactics for relatives

Psychologists note that often the greatest pressure on people who for some reason do not want to have children is exerted by relatives. They should remember that the decision to remain childless can be caused immediately by a complex of problems: internal conflicts, uncertainty about the future, distrust of a partner, inability to cooperate with him, and many others.

In the end, a person can simply see his destiny in passing on to the next generation his own ideas, and not the gene pool. But it may well be that he just needs time, experts say.

In the event that relatives want to wait for grandchildren, the most losing option is to appeal to a sense of duty or remind them of the biological clock. According to Anna Khnykina, close people, especially parents, should realize that edification in this case is useless.

“When a person is ready to consciously put an end to his family, this can partly be called suicidal behavior. Relatives need to understand that it’s time to give up advice and to a person who does not want to continue his family, you need to show such an amount of love that has not been shown before in throughout his life. the only way influence,” says the psychologist.