In our country, more people die every day than are born. If this trend continues, we can predict the disappearance of the nation. The state is looking for ways to increase the birth rate. Propaganda of large families is being used, the promise of large cash payments for the birth of a second child ... Some propose to introduce a tax on childlessness, others - to abolish pensions.

And what do the people of Russia themselves think about it? Some believe that the number of children in a family should be limited, others do not want to "have offspring" at all, calling themselves "childfree", others give birth to as many children as God gives. But there are people who want children, but for some reason cannot have them.

By definition World Organization Health, “... a marriage is considered infertile in which, for one reason or another, occurring in the body of a woman or a man, or both partners, pregnancy does not occur with regular sexual activity without the use of any contraceptives for 12 months, subject to the childbearing age of the spouses ".

According to statistics, the impossibility of conceiving a child worries every sixth couple today. Of the 37.5 million women living in the Russian Federation, aged 20 to 45, 5-6 million cannot have children. AT last years The diagnosis of "infertility" is made by doctors more and more often. There is an opinion that the origin of life mainly depends on the health of the future mother. Actually it is not. It has been proven that out of 100 childless couples, about 40% do not have children due to male infertility. There are many reasons for this: infectious diseases, unfavorable environmental conditions, uncontrolled use medicines, psychological problems. Dry statistics, behind which are human destinies.

Why can't a woman conceive or bear a child? Infertility - a tragedy and punishment, or should we thank God for it? Can children be adopted? Rev. Andrey Lorgus, Dean of the Faculty of Psychology at the Russian Orthodox University of St. John the Evangelist.

- Childlessness - is it a test, a punishment, a cross? If there are no children in the family, how should spouses treat this?

This should always be treated with gratitude, as the will of God. But at the same time, it must be borne in mind that very often the reasons for childlessness, with a visible desire to have children, can lie in the personality itself. And we need to talk about this, because these are fixable things. Here is one of the cases that I know as a pastor. In a good family, where spouses love each other very much, all pregnancies ended in miscarriages. Moreover, the family is very prosperous, with a good income. Swiss clinics, the best doctors, psychologists - and everything is useless. The reason was not medical, but spiritual and psychological.

The point was that, as is well known, spiritual and psychological states reflected in bodily, somatic manifestations. If a person is nervous, his heart hurts or his blood pressure rises. And it's exactly the same here. If a woman does not love her husband, hiding it even from herself, does not want children, is unconsciously afraid of children, or even experiences any kind of fear, her entire feminine nature shrinks in the same way as blood vessels shrink during nervous stress. And if with medical point everything is fine, but she may not conceive. The body can "obey" her subconscious command.

In the case I'm talking about, there was a fear of failing in front of her husband. She was afraid that she could not stand it, that she would educate her incorrectly, that she would make some kind of mistake. This fear caused serious physiological disturbances in her body, and the pregnancy failed all the time. But in other cases, there may be other reasons.

The couple did not want to admit that they have such problems. This often happens. The couple play the role of a decent, godly family, unwilling to admit that they have serious personal and spiritual problems. There may be other reasons: diseases, heredity, psychological trauma, hard work, ecology. There are many reasons. At the heart of all is human sin, but not always personal or family sin, often it is the sin of all of us, of all mankind.

- How do you feel about modern medical technologies that help childless couples to have children?

To be treated or not to be treated is not a spiritual question. If there is a disease, it must be treated. Doctors and medicine as such cannot be despised. Another thing is how and why to use modern technologies. Doesn't this mean to realize your passion for children, the desire to "get" children at any cost. I know of a case where a young woman, having been married for three years, came in for artificial insemination. No matter how the doctor urged her to wait, because three years is so little, she still went through this procedure three times. Nothing happened, and in the fifth year of marriage, she conceived naturally and gave birth safely.

I think the problem is in the "head" and not in the body. As an anthropologist and psychologist, I have serious reasons to believe that artificial insemination, and in general any artificial intervention in conception, will inevitably affect children and spouses. Firstly, the IVF procedure itself violates the intimate space of spouses.

Secondly, we must not forget that modern techniques cannot exclude multiple fertilization. Doctors then make a reduction, that is, destroy the "extra" children. It's a terrible procedure. Recently, an IVF doctor told a priest in her own defense: “I don’t do reduction! I invite another doctor for this.” After all, she understands that this is evil, that this is murder and how the church relates to this, so she does it with the wrong hands!

And what is the process of giving birth and nursing children for these couples? I was present in the department where premature babies are nursed. I have baptized four babies there for couples who have gone through IVF. Children weighing four hundred grams! And those who weigh 800 g are considered large. Parents are not around. Of course, they can come, but it is useless to sit there. This is a factory floor. Tubes, wires, something is buzzing, children in transparent cuvettes are covered with diapers, lying there, as in minks, connected to devices. Here is my emotional impression - this is hell. This is "children's hell". We created it. But the people, doctors and nurses working there are real devotees.

Modern studies of prenatal psychology show that children remember everything, even at this age, albeit at an unconscious level, in bodily-physiological memory. And this period of life does not pass without a trace: it manifests itself later, sometimes with severe somatic and mental illnesses. Married couples who arrange this for their children take responsibility for their souls. I cannot, as a shepherd and a psychologist, forbid them to do this, but I will not advise either.

- Maybe people just want to try all the possibilities?

You can't want kids at any cost. If the spouses want children by all means, this is already a pathology from the point of view of a psychologist. This is a deviation of the personality, this is both a sin and a passion. Precisely because children are not the meaning of marriage and the meaning of human life. The meaning of human life is himself, his immortal soul. Unfortunately, very often spouses want to “children” close the gap in their marital existence. They want to solve some of their marital problems by having children. And this should never be done. If the spouses do not love each other, they have no peace, they cannot be friends, they do not know how to improve relations, then the birth of children will not add anything to them, on the contrary, it can complicate, alienate them from each other. When a child is born, the wife completely switches over to the child. Husband gets jealous. There is reason for another conflict.

In general, children are not a way to solve family problems. Very often, women go for the birth of children outside of marriage, up to artificial insemination, because they want to take place as mothers. This is a lie and a deceit, because they are trying to resolve their inner emptiness and failure by the birth of a child. A woman is realized as a person not as a mother, but as a wife. And only as a wife can be realized as a mother. Becoming a mother without becoming a wife is a mistake. This cannot be done. In general, a child is not a toy, he is not born for us.

Children are not a thing that they “turn on”, acquire, like a car, like a cottage. You can't have children, you can only meet them. The birth of your child is a meeting with a new personality, and not a reproduction of one's own kind.

When I see my newborn daughter or son, I meet a new person. He looks like me, he subsequently talks like me, he does the same stupid things and sins. But he is different. When children grow up and leave, spouses often meet face to face for the first time in 20-30 years. And then a new conflict begins. It turns out that they lost love for each other, quarreled, acquired a lot of resentment and problems with each other. But this is the most wonderful time of marriage. A mature marriage should include tenderness, care, friendship, asceticism, and spiritual intimacy. This is a golden time for spouses. Moreover, grandchildren may already appear. But grandchildren are something completely different. Grandchildren are joy without responsibility and without fear. The miraculous making of a childless couple or even a lonely person for himself a child - an assistant in old age - is a frequent fairy tale plot. Alas, happy life in such a family is also possible more often in a fairy tale - or thanks to a miracle.

- After many attempts to give birth to children on their own, many spouses decide to adopt, is such a way out of this situation possible?

The issue of adoption does not solve the main problem. If spouses want to adopt a child just so they can have children , no matter what , - This is passion. Our pastoral task is to stop such spouses, to say - that there is only one reason to adopt children - an excess of love. The spiritual, pastoral task is to find out why spouses take children. They often say that children in orphanages suffer, we need to help. Whenever they say they want to save from orphanage rootless and starving children, this worries me as a psychologist and shepherd, because behind these beautiful words most often there are human passions, among which the main one is dissatisfaction with one's personal life. Children need help, but not like that. Because adoption is controversial. Every person has biological parents. They are also ontological parents. Their existence is based on the fact that they have a mother and a father. And each person needs these mother and father just as much as faith in God, the sky above his head, living space.

I serve in a boarding school where there are a lot of so-called abandoned children. I testify with all my many years of experience that all children who are more or less self-aware are looking for their real parents. I used to think: why is this necessary? They do not need to meet with their own parents, they will not forgive them, they will blame them and so on. But no. They need them. Every person needs to know that he has a mother and a father. Maybe just correspond with them, just know their names.

One girl was looking for her mother for a long time and said - I will never forgive her for leaving me. How much she showed perseverance, will! Found, met with her and returned back to the boarding school. Now she is calm. She does not want to live with her, but she saw her and forgave her, she knows that she has a mother, that she is the same person as everyone else. When spouses adopt other people's children, they very often want to replace their natural parents. And this cannot be done.

When children grow up taking their adoptive parents for their own, they have some secret personality problems. They do not know and cannot know the origins of these problems, which can determine their entire future life.

That's when people take children for adoption, wanting only to provide them with better opportunities than in orphanage or a boarding school, and not to replace their natural parents, this is a healthy situation. I think the point is that the state and society are establishing a serious attitude towards adoption in the form of specialized schools. But the school should not only teach swaddling, it should be a psychological school. First of all, it is necessary to find out the spiritual foundations - why do people do this, what kind of people are they, do they understand what a family, marriage, parent-child relationship. We need to stop people who want to adopt children so that they "have children." But there are other situations where adoption turned out to be a matter of chance. Relatives died, someone gave them children - then, of course, you have to take them. But this is completely different, this is God's providence.

- How can you help childless spouses from a spiritual point of view?

For this, only one thing is needed - for pastors and theologians to stop repeating the traditional, but dubious phrase that the goal of the family is children. This is a false setting, taken from the ancient, Hellenistic, pre-Christian world. Unfortunately, from the Gospel, our modern understanding of marriage has taken only one phrase that "the wife shall be saved by childbearing." But there are many other examples. Many biblical couples have been childless or long-term childless. And it was not the Lord who condemned them, but society, popular rumor. Now, if we, as representatives of Russian Orthodoxy, abandon this idea, then at least believers will not suffer so much from their childlessness. By the way, the patrons of marriage in Russian Orthodoxy - Saints Peter and Fevronia - are a childless couple. And that doesn't bother anyone. On the contrary, they are an example and an image of precisely marital, albeit fruitless (in the sense of children) love.

But then the essential question arises - what is the meaning of the family? Among many Orthodox people, there is an opinion that the meaning of the family is in the birth of children. And the permissibility, as they say, of sexual relations is based only on conception. From their point of view, childless couples generally live in fornication, because they do not give birth to children, but lead a sexual life. This is hardly a Christian position. This approach can lead many couples to a dead end, to spiritual suffering. Because spouses who feel that their marriage is inferior suffer. It must be said that children are the result of marital relations, but not the meaning. Children are not only not the only meaning of the family - it is not the meaning of the family at all. Not meaning, but the fruit, the fruit of love.

From my point of view, the meaning of the family is the creation of a small church, so that "the two become as one flesh." It is this creation of an excellent union that is the main meaning of marriage. “It is not good for a man to be alone” - these biblical words show the way for every person.

But here, too, we must make a reservation. Many young people today do not marry, not because they don't want to, but because they can't. These young people cannot be condemned as violating the commandments, modern fallen humanity is such that not only cannot give birth to children, but also cannot create marriage for many reasons - spiritual, psychological, family. Often people are simply so brought up in their families that they simply cannot get married. Therefore, we cannot condemn or criticize anyone.

We can say: "Marriage is a gift of grace, a God-given supreme union, a small church, this is the creation of two personalities." However, this is not given to everyone. Yes, of course, in marriage, the disclosure of personality, its realization takes place to a greater extent. A monastic, and a celibate, and a large, and childless path of a person is possible. But marriage is preferable for everyone, except for those chosen ones who are called to monasticism for Christ's sake.

The path of the female personality is as diverse as any other. A woman is not a housewife, not a factory for the production of children, she is a person who has her own wonderful and mysterious life. The main thing for every person is himself, this is the salvation of his immortal and priceless soul. This is the union of the soul with God, god-likeness.

“Many people understand this intellectually, but they still suffer.

Yes, women suffer very hard, and often this manifests itself at the somatic level in the form of cardiovascular and gynecological diseases. Of course, a woman who does not have children in marriage will suffer. She can be helped if she agrees to admit that the meaning of marriage is not children, but her husband. And what matters is love, not conception.

And secondly, we must preach the hypostatic nature of our human existence. That is, the personality of man is above nature. By the way, this same motive, about the personality of being, about the significance of a woman's own personality, arises in a completely different problem - this is the suffering of a woman-mother when children grow up and leave. And she turns out to be abandoned, as mothers sometimes think: “I raised you, and now you have forgotten about your mother?”

We must remember that the meaning of a woman's life is not in children. Twenty years, while children grow up, pass so quickly, and at fifty a woman thinks - what am I now? There is no profession, the family is empty, no one needs a house, I cook borscht, but no one eats it, I wash it, but no one notices, no one will say thank you, and so on. And such a woman needs to be reminded that the meaning of her existence is not in children, but in herself, as a person. It is important to say this to a woman whose children have grown up and left, or died. How many children are dying now! And what to say in consolation to mothers whose children die in the army in peacetime?

Men suffer less from childlessness, because it is considered that this is not their task. And in fact quite the opposite. Infertility is very often male rather than female. And the reasons can be psychological, physiological, and spiritual. The men are suffering. But, unfortunately, men are less likely to admit this to themselves, they do not turn to either a priest or a psychologist. Most of the time they just go to the doctor. Men have a myth that they can get lost at work. When a man at the age of 40-50 achieves success in his business, he finds himself, like a woman, at a broken trough, because all this does not satisfy him. And he says to himself - and to whom will I give all this? There is no heir. Fatherhood for a man is as important as motherhood for a woman, because the birth of a child is a chance to meet yourself in new conditions.

I am convinced that the birth of my children allowed me to know myself from a different side. The childless do not have this opportunity. Not everything in our life turns out the way we want. It happens that the Lord sends children when their parents are no longer waiting for them. This means that people did not want to buy anything. If they are afraid of this and refuse - it's scary. And when they rejoice at it and accept it as a gift from God, it's wonderful. They will be rewarded.

I would say - do not want children. You can’t refuse children, it’s a sin. You just have to wait for them. Looking forward to meeting your loved one. Of course, I would like to have children. But you have to want in the sense of waiting, and not in the sense of achieving.

Demographic problems in our country are only a consequence of the protracted illness of our society. This disease is the disintegration of the family and marriage. Its symptoms are the loss of the ability to love, the habit of living "for your own pleasure", "taking everything from life." Its origins are the loss of the meaning of life, both personal and tribal, family. Until we eliminate the cause of this disease, all economic and administrative measures will be ineffective.

Many married couples cannot become parents. How should one treat childlessness if God sent this test?

If there are no children, it is necessary to give happiness to the child,
who is betrayed by his own parents

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- There is a fairly common point of view that the only meaning Christian marriage is childbearing. However, we cannot say that the whole the meaning of Christian marriage is exhausted by the fulfillment of this divine blessing, which is the birth of children. If this were the case, then it is not clear why the spouses should live together when the children have already grown up. But it would also be incomprehensible why God gives love between a husband and wife who do not have children.

Marriage is such a "place" where a person learns to love.

Such a straightforward view, of course, does not exhaust what a person can find in marriage. If you still try to find the most common definition of marriage among the holy fathers, then it will be a combination of two words: “school of love”. Since the Kingdom of God is the kingdom of love, the Lord is preparing people on Earth for this kingdom, as if in a school, for the future genuine adulthood in Heaven. Marriage is such a "place" where a person learns to love.

From the Holy Scriptures we know that in the future there will be neither hope nor faith: there will be no meaning in them, because everything will be fulfilled. And love lasts forever. Maybe the form of this love will be different. In the Kingdom of God, in general, everything will be different, but this is not revealed to us. However, the brightest and most beautiful thing that exists on Earth is love, and in all its forms: marital, parental, brotherly, etc., and, of course, it will remain.

Otherwise, the place where this will not be, fills me with horror. I have loved my wife all my life, through her it was revealed to me what the love of God is. I kept this love, took care of it, was happy with it. And suddenly I will come to the Source of love, Jesus Christ, and He will tell me not to see this person again?

Therefore, of course, the meaning of marriage cannot be exhausted by procreation. Childbearing helps to grow and know love in all its manifestations. Different facets of family life help a person to comprehend from different angles, what there is love as the highest manifestation of God-likeness in human life.

And if we understand marriage this way, then a family that does not have children is a family that bears a heavy cross, but it is still a family. It's still a small church. What is a small church? This is Christ, who united around him people who love Him and each other. That is why we call the family a small church. A temple somewhere on the top of Mount Athos, where one hieromonk serves and one novice sings, is no less than a temple in which two thousand people pray. And the sacraments are performed there in exactly the same way, and Christ dwells there. This family has 10 children, this family has 5, and this family has no children, although these people would like to have children. But they did not succeed, it was not given to them by God's Providence. But this did not stop the small Church from being a small Church.

What can be done about it? First, you can adopt a child. It requires work, it is some risk, but now it is possible. However, it seems to me that this is no greater risk than the birth of your own child. How many families do I know own child became a source of great grief for his parents, but they continue to love him. By the way, every person is probably also a source of sorrow for God. Although God does not grieve, of course, but you can put it that way. Each person betrays their Heavenly Parent and returns to Him only as prodigal son.

Yes, there is a child's heredity unknown to the adoptive parents. But how many examples of when a child finds out that his parents are not his relatives, experiences an internal crisis, but then returns to them with even more love and tenderness. Because he understands what a feat they accomplished in relation to him, giving him the love that his mother and father deprived him of.

Therefore, it seems to me that if there are no children, then it is necessary to give happiness to a child who is betrayed by his own parents. Who was deprived of the most important gift with which a person should begin his life - the gift of parental love. We often see that children from orphanages, even fed and clothed, even given apartments, cannot build a family and get a job, and that they slide down to the social bottom. This is because they do not have the experience of family as an experience of love. And this experience should give birth to the rest of the child life experience, all other life skills.

Having children does not save in itself

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Each couple must find a solution that pleases God, not inspired by their own dreams.

– It is difficult for us to know whether God sent such a test. Let us say better that we were tested by the will of God. A hair does not fall from the head without His will. Does this mean that we should do nothing, but only endure and pray? I have a toothache: should I go to the doctor or pray to the holy martyr Antipas? It is clear that it is both. So it is here: you need to pray and turn to doctors to try to establish the cause and try to cure. The foundations of the social concept of our ROC mention acceptable so-called assisted reproductive technologies that are not associated with the destruction of embryos, that is, murder, although all the consequences of such methods are still unknown and the attitude towards them is cautious. In addition, it costs money, and a lot, and not everyone has them.

You can adopt a foster child. Each couple must find their own solution, pleasing to God and based on faith, and not inspired by their own dreams. Faith in God is not self-hypnosis and concentration of the will in order not to allow hesitation and doubt and think that in this case the Lord will certainly fulfill our desire. Faith in God and faith in yourself are two very different things. Belief in oneself and the desire to develop it pushes a person to daring and sometimes unreasonable actions: people, risking their lives, climb towers and impregnable rocks and jump from them, flying like birds, swim with killer whales and hug crocodiles and lions. It's amazing how they get away with it (for the time being) and is admired by everyone. A believer in God in everyday life can often appear indecisive. He is afraid to take a step, so as not to sin, and he, in general, is not a hero of our time. But, trying to be faithful in small things and live according to the commandments of God, he grows faith in himself, becomes closer to God and more and more clearly discerns His will.

The birth of children does not save in itself and is not the goal of the family

What to do if a person feels that it is not God's will to have children, how to come to terms with this?

The main thing in a family is love. Childlessness can be a tragedy if one spouse blames the other for it. But loving person will never make a hint, will not allow tactlessness, which can hurt and cause suffering to a loved one. Unfortunately, it often happens the other way around, in a quarrel they inflict the most painful blows on each other. The passionate desire of children can be perceived as a reproach, causing the second half to feel guilty and want to justify themselves, and all this from a lack of love and trust in each other. It sometimes seems to childless couples that without children there is no happiness in life.

God grant that all of us, childless and large, humbly carry our cross and not look for another

Of course, children give us incomparable joy, love for them reveals to the husband and wife their best sides, develops a sense of duty, responsibility, self-denial. Young or, on the contrary, inveterate egoists learn to think not only about themselves, but by loving their children - to love and respect each other. But the birth of children does not save in itself and is not the goal of the family. The goal of every soul is the same - Christ, who said “the enemies of a man are his household” (Matt. 10:36) and “whoever loves ... a wife or children more than Me is not worthy of Me” (Matt. 10:37).

Only in the Person of Christ is the solution of all our temporary problems, both personal and family and public, and eternal happiness and bliss. Family and children simply help us to know our selfishness and repent of it.

God grant that all of us, family and single, childless and large, humbly carry our cross and not look for another.

Childlessness is not hopelessness, but a test of faith

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- Let's start with the fact that childlessness, with rare exceptions, is more a matter of testing faith than a hopeless given. Suffice it to recall the examples of the great saints: Abraham and Sarah, Joachim and Anna, Zechariah and Elizabeth. Many years of faith, patience, humility and love finally brought them blessed fruits. And if someone says that these were special, exceptional people and cases, then we will answer together with the Apostle James that, on the contrary, these saints were “people like us”, but “they prayed with prayer”, and the Lord sent them what they asked (cf. James 5:17). Only behind these in simple words: “prayed a prayer” - there is a whole life full of trust in God, humility, patience and love. And their example, of course, should be an example for imitation precisely in their zeal and constancy.

So, without exaggeration, we can say that the infertility of spouses is, first of all, an occasion for the manifestation of faith, fervent prayer, long-suffering, humility and love for God and for each other. And when such a Christian attitude towards the fact of infertility, in the end, is crowned with the gift of procreation, it is all the more joyful because the greatness of this gift is fully appreciated, thanks to its extreme desirability. There is even such a concept among the people: a begged child. We know many such families where, after many years of seemingly “clinical” infertility, a long-awaited child was finally born, and in some cases other children were born after him, to the joy and consolation of spouses who had recently been in grief. What is this, if not an obvious sign that the Lord hears our prayers, and if he delays in answering, then only so that we become stronger in faith, patience and love?!

But it also happens that the Lord leads infertile couples to show their love and mercy by adopting and raising those children who, for one reason or another, have remained orphans. And such a way out of the situation of infertility is also, undoubtedly, a Christian way out, with the only condition that the spouses worthily bear the cross of their “adoptive” parenthood. We are talking about this taking into account all the dangers and probabilities that are fraught with the adoption of a child born of unknown parents. And this can be a heavy cross, because we know that there is not only physical heredity, as a result of which certain serious diseases may open up in a child over time, but it can also be “mental” heredity. In a word, adoption is an extremely responsible act and step. But provided that it is treated as a cross-bearing, a married couple can undoubtedly acquire great spiritual benefit and reach the Kingdom of Heaven by following Christ.

Finally, a third option is also possible, when the couple remains childless forever. And in this, too, there can be a special Providence of God, teaching humility, patience and faith not because of, but in spite of the circumstances of life. That is, childless spouses can turn their care, attention and love to the upbringing of their close relatives, for example, nephews and nieces. Or, more selflessly than people who have their own children, devote themselves to serving their neighbors, especially those who suffer more than others and need special care. And we also know many examples of such kind and constant service of single spouses.

In a word, a field for the application of strength and faith, patience and love is always present in the life of a Christian in general and of Orthodox spouses in particular. But here is how to make your choice so as not to make a mistake: to wait with a prayer for the appearance of the first-born, to adopt, or to pay more attention to those in need - only the Holy Spirit in the recesses of their God-loving heart can tell spouses this. And in order for this answer to take place, for it to be heard, we can say without a doubt that fervent prayer must be present, a prayer not so much of the mouth as of the heart, when the spouses carry this sacred prayer in themselves, as an unceasing aspiration, as an unceasing question, turned towards God. The Lord will surely find an opportunity to answer such a question, and in such a way that this answer will be heard.

A true family is determined, above all, by mutual love.

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– Childlessness for a Christian family does not mean any curse, rejection or punishment. This is one of the paths to salvation along which God leads a particular family.

I had to see wonderful married couples who remained childless. They were saved by a close unity of the heart with each other, they did not squabble and blame each other: “It is you who are to blame (to blame) for everything that we are without children,” but they overcame the test together. When the heart is filled with goodness, purity and love, then the whole life warms up, longing, a feeling of loneliness and orphanhood go away. That is, a true family is determined, first of all, by mutual love. Love helps to correctly accept the tests sent down, and if there is no love, then the birth of children will not help save the family.

If there is no love, then the birth of children will not help save the family.

Some find a very wise decision - they adopt abandoned children. Thus, they acquire children, and children acquire parents, and in this the amazing Providence of God is realized, because everyone finds what they are looking for. The most important thing is that the heart should not be closed on itself, that it should be ready to pour out its love on the adopted child. Let him not be born from you, but blood relationship in itself does not always make people close to each other. Intimacy is determined by how much you yourself are ready to accommodate someone else in your heart.

Childlessness is presented as a cross that has to be carried, sometimes without even understanding why and for what it was given. And you don’t need to understand, try to explain everything rationally. Otherwise, we will think that childlessness is given to a person for some of his sins, but the wisdom of God's Providence is incomprehensible to our weak minds. You just need to patiently bear this cross, entrusting yourself and your life, your health into the hands of God.

If something can be done humanly, it must be done: improve health, take into account the recommendations of doctors. As long as it does not hide sin, inner cunning, attempts to deceive oneself and God, when, for example, they go for surrogate motherhood or IVF, knowingly suggesting a selective attitude towards harvested embryos and killing some of them.

The birth of a child is a gift from God. If children are not given to the family, then this is a special occasion to remember the One in Whose hands are birth and life, bodily well-being and the eternal salvation of the soul. First of all, it is worth turning to God with all your heart. We all know that in many families that were considered childless, the child was literally begged for.

It also happens that a person prays and begs for children, uses all kinds of means in order to give birth at all costs. He gets what he asks. But then it turns out that this is a heavy cross for him, difficult to lift. A person grumbles and desponds, and children suffer. That is, in the prayer itself it is worth saying: "Thy will be done."

Everything that is sent down to us in life has spiritual meaning. And life's trials or sorrows cannot be dispensed with. Therefore, everyone bears his own cross - some are illnesses, some are troubles in the family, some are failures at work, and some are childless. But thanks to this cross, we can be with Christ, gain eternal salvation.

Archpriest Sergei Filimonov

Spiritual Causes of Infertility

During the celebration of the sacrament of the wedding, the priest asks the Lord for the newlyweds about a hedgehog give them a child to procreate. However, as life shows, children are not born in all families. Someone deliberately puts off this happy moment, someone fails health. But it also happens that in the absence of objective signs of infertility in both spouses, conception does not occur for reasons spiritual nature.

WHAT IS INFERTILITY

Infertility is the inability of a woman of childbearing age to conceive, and men - to fertilization. According to the World Health Organization, infertility in the modern world is the problem of every fifth married couple. In 40% of cases, the “guilty” side is a woman, in another 45% it is a man, the remaining 15% fall on cases of “incompatibility” of spouses.

Infertility is not an independent disease. Rather, it is a consequence of certain deviations in the development of the body or past diseases: congenital underdevelopment or malformations of the genital organs of a hereditary or acquired nature, acute and chronic diseases of the genital area (including sexually transmitted diseases), diseases of other organs and systems. Often, infertility is caused by metabolic disorders in the body (resulting in obesity, diabetes, etc.), hormonal disorders, starvation, malnutrition, vitamin deficiency. Many couples who seek help from doctors manage to be helped - today there are various programs for the treatment of infertility, among which there are both conservative (drug) and surgical methods.

However, in addition to the physical causes of marital infertility, there are also spiritual reasons. They will be discussed.

PUNISHMENT

FOR SIN LIFE

There can be many spiritual reasons preventing the birth of a child. Will try list the main ones. Elder Paisios the Holy MountaineerIVvolume of his works, called " Family life”, answers some questions related to infertility and difficulties, arising with the birth of children. When asked why certain women develop infertility, Elder Paisios answers as follows:

"Some barren women did not marry when it should have been done, and therefore, spiritual laws now operate with respect to them. Some fastidious girls begin to choose suitors:"No, I don't like this one, and I don't like that one." Having promised a guy to marry him, such a girl simultaneously looks at the other, then says “no” to the first, and he wants to commit suicide. Uh, well, what kind of family will such a girl create? And there are women who are barren because in their youth they lived a disorderly sinful life. There are also those whose reason for infertility is poor nutrition, because many products contain a whole bunch of chemicals and hormones.

With regard to girls who are sexually promiscuous, it can be noted that for them there is not only a spiritual, but also a medical prerequisite for the occurrence of infertility. With a sinful-prodigal lifestyle, women (and men too) are very likely to develop various infections that can lead to chronic diseases of the genital area and lead to inability to have children. The spiritual component lies in the fact that the Lord can allow a girl or a young man for their desire to “work up” in their youth (that is, calling things by their proper names, to satisfy their lust as much as possible) punishment and don't give children for such a depraved life.

NOT WILLING TO TRUST GOD

The next reason noted by Elder Paisius: “There are also married couples who want to have a child as soon as they get married. And if the birth of a child is delayed, then they begin to worry and worry. How can they give birth to a child if they themselves are full of anxiety and mental anxiety? They will give birth to a child when they cast out anxiety and mental anxiety and direct their lives on the right spiritual track.

Sometimes God deliberately delays and does not bark at a married couple of children. Look: after all, He gave a child in old age to the holy Fathers of God Joachim and Anna, and to the holy prophet Zechariah and his wife Elizabeth, in order to fulfill His eternal plan for the salvation of people.

Spouses should always be ready to accept the will of God into their lives. God does not leave a person who trusts himself to Him. We do nothing but how much God does for us! With what love and generosity He gives us everything! Is there anything that God will not be able to do? ..

The birth of children depends not only on the person. It also depends on God. Seeing that spouses experiencing difficulties in connection with the birth of children have humility, God can not only give them a child, but also make them have many children. However, seeing stubbornness and selfishness in spouses, God does not fulfill their wishes... Married couples must give themselves wholly to God. They should say, "My God, You're looking out for our good, let your will be done(Matt. 6, 10)". In this case, their petition will be fulfilled. After all, the will of God is fulfilled when we say yes it will be yours and with trust in God we entrust ourselves to Him. But we, although we say let your will be done while insisting on our own will. So what can God do for us in this case?”

SELFISHNESS OF PARENTS

Infertility can also be caused selfishness of parents, when young family pulling back birth of a child, arguing something like this: “Children are a huge concern. First we need to finish our studies, get back on our feet, earn money for an apartment, build a dacha, buy a car, and only then will we have a child.” Note: not “God will give a child”, but “let's have a baby”, as if the child is a cat or a dog. When the Lord sees such an attitude towards His blessing for childbearing, disregard for the commandment “Be fruitful and multiply”, then after some time, when the family already has everything - an apartment, a summer house, a car, and work - He doesn't serve children. And besides cats and dogs, such a family of "curtains" can no longer have anyone. Although there are no medical barriers to childbearing.

DIVISION OF GOD ABOUT THE FAMILY

Elder Paisius identifies two more possible reasons infertility: “God does not give children to many people so that by loving the children of the whole world as their own, these people would help their spiritual rebirth.” Elder Paisius gives the following example: “One man did not have children, but when he left the house, children from neighboring houses ran to him and surrounded him with love. They didn't let him go to work. You see: God did not give this man his children, but He gave him a blessing so that all the neighbor's children would love him like a father and he would help them spiritually. The judgments of God are the abyss."

"And in other cases God does not give spouses children to give some orphan". Starey Paisios tells about one of his Christian acquaintances - a lawyer, a man of spiritual life. One day the old man stopped by for a day to stay and got acquainted with his pious wife, who helps many poor children. She complained that the Lord did not give her children, to which the elder Paisios replied reproachfully: “You, sister, have more than five hundred children. And are you complaining? Christos saw your good will. And He will reward you for it. Now, helping the spiritual rebirth of so many children, you are a better mother than many others. You leave behind all mothers of many children! And the reward that you will receive will also be much greater, because, being spiritually reborn, children spiritually secure their future in eternal life.”

Therefore, it happens that the Lord does not give children to a family, not as a punishment, but manifests His special Providence in such a way that through these people some unfortunate child abandoned by his parents receives help.

I know some families where the following happened. As soon as the spouses showed a desire to adopt an orphan from an orphanage, the woman herself conceived a child. In this way, two children appeared in the family at once - one adopted and the second, sent by the Lord, who resolved the womb of a previously barren woman. When doctors examined such women, they did not find any pathology in them that prevented childbearing. But the will of the Lord was such that in these families they would bring up not only their child, but also the adopted child.

GENERAL SINS AND CURSES

There are other causes of infertility. These include the so-called birth curses- when a mother or father curses their children. Sometimes, when children bother their parents, instead of their parental blessing, they send reproaches to the children, which can “work” like curses. For example, when a mother tells her daughters: “May it be empty for you” or sends them to evil spirits. When such parents then repent of their curses, the life of their children is arranged and the Lord gives them children.

There are also "ancestral" sins against God and neighbor when the Lord punishes with barrenness for sins committed against Him. For example, if someone destroyed churches, removed crosses, cut icons, laughed at the church, the Lord can send barrenness to the families of the descendants of mockers until they realize this sin and repent for their parents. There is a case when a priest after the revolution renounced his dignity and died without repentance. In the next generations, only girls were born in his family, and boys, if they were born, soon died before reaching adulthood. In the 1930s, in collective farms, work collectives and institutes, children were forced to publicly renounce their parents. Such sins against God (desecration of churches, blasphemy, renunciation of parents) often affect subsequent generations.

Sometimes people do sins against neighbor- they dig up gravestones and build their own scrap out of them, have abortions or commit other blasphemous acts, and then their children or grandchildren become barren.

"DAMAGE" AND "EVIL EYE"

Of course, “damage”, “evil eye” are not church concepts. But sometimes people use such terminology - in most cases, sex should be understood as envy. For example, the "evil eye" can happen if one woman envies evilly another - beautiful, materially prosperous, married and happy in marriage. And due to such black envy, it can turn out so that the woman will have everything, but she will not be able to get pregnant. Or if a mother mocks a neighbor who is deprived of the happiness of motherhood, the Lord can deprive the mocker of a child or “shut up” her womb so that she can never have children again.in my own way pride and exaltation over the sufferers.

A TEST OF FAITH

Infertility can be sent and how a test of a person's faith. In the materials of the Jubilee Council of Bishops of the Russian Orthodox Church in 2000 and in the patristic teaching, it is indicated that infertility can be considered as a cross that the Lord places on a married couple. "In the prayers of the rite of the wedding The Orthodox Church expresses the belief that childbearing is the desired fruit of legal matrimony, but at the same time not its only goal. Along with the fruit of the womb benefit spouses are asked for gifts of enduring mutual love, chastity, unanimity of souls and bodies. Therefore, the paths to childbearing that do not agree with the plan of the Creator of life, the church cannot consider morally justified. If a husband or wife is incapable of conceiving a child, and the therapeutic and surgical methods of treating infertility do not help the spouses, they should humbly accept their infertility as a special life calling. Pastoral recommendations in such cases should take into account the possibility of adopting a child by mutual consent of the spouses. Such childlessness is a cross in which a married coupleshould show patience, humility, trust in the will of God.

However, it happens that the Lord, after many years, still gives the spouses a child.Vivid examples here are the righteous Abraham and Sarah, who for about 90 years prayed for the birth of a child, Zechariah and Elizabeth, Godfathers Joachim and Anna. Their children are bornafter so many prayers, patience, trust in God, were blessed.

The test of faith can be an important moment for a married couple. Such a family shows its fidelity to God, if it does not grumble at Him, but thanks for the sent sorrow. Such a test of faith may end at some point, and a woman who has been barren for many years will give birth to many more children.

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE CHURCH sanctification of MARRIAGE

Very important for solving the problem of infertility is church consecration of marriage. In prayers for The consecration of church marriage is such words in which the blessing of God is called upon the womb of a woman so that she is fruitful:

Even for Your inexpressible gift and many goodness, who came to Cana of Galilee, and there marriage blessed: Yes, reveal that Your will is a lawful marriage, and others from it, childbearing ...

Remember the Lord, our God, Thy servant (name), and Thy servant (name), and bless me, give them the fruit of the womb, goodness, unanimity of soul and body. I raise up like the cedars of Lebanon, like a noble vine. Grant them the seed of the class, so that every wealth of wealth abounds for every good deed, and it is pleasing to you: and let the sons of their sons see, like a new planting of olive oil around their meal.

Unbelieving husbands sometimes neglect this important sacrament, and the Lord does not allow a woman to become a mother until the marital union is sanctified by the grace of church marriage. There are also cases when women who were diagnosed with infertility, who lived for many years with their husbands in officially registered but unmarried marriages, conceived a few days after the wedding.

GOD, NOT AS I WANT, BUT AS YOU!

You can consider a few more causes of infertility. When the Lord sees what is possible in the family the child will be very sick or be disabled, He allows this baby not to be born. There are cases from church pateriks when mothers, under the threat of losing a child, fervently and zealously prayed to God, the Lord revealed to them through certain saints that their prayer was objectionable, because this child would be born a villain, a murderer, a blasphemer. If the mothers did not retreat, wanting to fulfill their will at all costs, to satisfy their maternal egoism, the Lord allowed the birth of such children, who then became detractors of the family.

The case of the Decembrist Ryleev, whom his mother begged for when he was dying of diphtheria at the age of five, is well known. The Lord then showed her that her son would recover but would end his life on the gallows. And so it all happened afterwards. The mother then repented, but it was too late, the Lord had already answered her prayers. Therefore, the prayer is very important: "Lord, not as I want, but as You want."

LOVE IS THE BASIS OF A COMPLETE FAMILY

The Lord may not give children due to the unpreparedness, immaturity of the husband and wife to raise a child, due to the irresponsibility or viciousness of one of the spouses, or because of the possibility of mutual betrayals. For example, if there are constant quarrels and scandals in the family, the husband and wife are selfish, not ready to sacrifice themselves for the sake of a child, not ready to take care of him, give him his love, the Lord, seeing this, delays the birth of a child for several years until the couple matures, until everything settles down in the family, until the husband and wife come to an agreement. A child must be born in love. If, from the very beginning of his life, he experiences the anger of his parents towards each other and towards himself, then what will this child grow up to be, what will happen to his soul, what will he absorb from such parents?

Childless couples are also known, in which the wives went to many doctors and knocked on the thresholds of medical centers, while their husbands humiliated them, insulted and reproached them with the impossibility of childbearing. These women went to all kinds of medical procedures, but nothing helped. Subsequently, such husbands cheated on their wives, went to other families. And women who were barren, married other men and safely gave birth to children. Their sterility turned out to be imaginary. The Lord, foreseeing that a husband and wife are not ready to maintain a marital union, sometimes allows that a child is not born in such a family, because he is doomed to remain an orphan from an early age.

Every sixth young married couple in Russia does not have children. For most Christian families, the absence of babies in the house is a difficult test, which is a test of faith in the Providence of God.

Infertility: medical interpretation

Medicine defines infertility as the inability of women and men of childbearing age to bear children. At the same time, a woman is not able to conceive, and a man is not able to fertilize an egg. In the philistine tradition, it is customary to consider the reason for the absence of children as problems in women's health. Meanwhile, according to the World Health Organization, the man is responsible for the absence of offspring in 45% of cases, another 15% is due to genetic incompatibility, and only 40% of infertility episodes are caused by pathological changes in female body.

In medicine, there are about 30 diseases in which infertility is possible.

The diagnosis of infertility is made if a married couple who does not resort to any methods of contraception, in the presence of a constant sexual life, does not become pregnant within a year. Doctors call the cause of infertility disorders in the endocrine and genitourinary systems of the body of both or one of the spouses. A married couple undergoes joint examination and treatment, consisting of the following items:

• conversation with narrow specialists;
• clinical and laboratory research;
• medical or surgical treatment.

Attitude towards the barrenness of the church

Having tried all the available medical methods of treatment, the desperate spouses turn to the Holy Intercessors for help. How does the church view infertility? In the Old Testament, the absence of children from spouses was considered God's punishment for previous sins or a test of the strength of their faith in His Providence.

Spiritual causes of childlessness

Today the church says that the absence of spouses for many years of children is not a reason for despair. It is important to understand that it is necessary to look for not only physiological, but also spiritual reasons for the family's childlessness.

There are many reasons why the Lord does not give spouses a child. The main ones were described by the elder Paisius Svyatogorets in his work “Family Life”:

In addition to the reasons described by Elder Paisius, modern church ministers name the following spiritual prerequisites leading to childlessness:

1. Birth curses sent to children by parents. They can be unconscious, said in a fit of emotion, but have serious consequences. As a rule, sincere repentance of the parents of a childless person is enough to overcome the consequences of a curse.
2. Sins committed by ancestors against God and people. Knowing about the existence of an unworthy deed in the past of the family, one should recognize it and fulfill the penance imposed by the confessor.
3. Punishment for pride and envy, which are colloquially called "damage" and "evil eye". You can not mock at someone else's grief - the absence of children. This can lead to the loss of existing children and the inability to give birth to more babies. There are situations when a beautiful, young, successful woman has a strong but childless family. This can be explained by the "evil eye" - the envy of others. A strong faith in the power and providence of God will help in this situation.
4. In many cases, infertility is a test of faith for a Christian family. If after applying all possible methods treatment, the spouses did not have a baby, then they should humbly accept the will of God and be patient.

About childbearing:

The attitude of the church to modern reproduction

The possibilities of modern medicine give hope to have offspring for many childless couples. The Orthodox Church has a positive attitude towards only one type of artificial insemination. This method is based on the introduction of the male seed into the uterus using a medical instrument. In this case, the material must be obtained naturally in the process of marital intimacy. This method is considered acceptable, since it is as close to natural as possible and does not imply the participation of a third party in it.

IVF methods are not blessed by the church, as they use genetically alien material

From the point of view of the Church, the following methods of artificial insemination are considered unacceptable:

1. Participation in the process of conception of the genetic material of third parties. Priests believe that this process is tantamount to adultery, despite the fact that there was no fact of physical adultery.
2. Surrogate motherhood destroys the sacrament of establishing a spiritual connection between mother and child during pregnancy.
3. In vitro fertilization violates the natural relationship between spouses, as the process of conception takes place outside the human body. The clergy are wondering how evil spirits will act on a person who has appeared in test tubes. What spiritual qualities will a baby conceived outside the mother's body have. Also a serious moral problem is the presence of extra fertilized eggs in which life has already arisen. Their destruction is actually a murder, due to which the baby is born. This sin is a heavy burden on the mother who made this decision, and on the child for whose sake the sinful act was committed.

Ways to overcome infertility

The church claims that fertility treatments will be useless unless spiritual health is improved. What steps should Christian spouses take?

From the point of view of the Orthodox Church, the absence of children in the family is not a tragedy. The goal of the Christian life - the salvation of the soul for Eternal life, does not essentially depend on the couple having offspring. Children are sent to us by God, according to His providence for our lives. Orthodoxy gives the answer why there is infertility.

Punishment or Providence?

Childlessness brings suffering to family life. Couples who really want to have children realize that their life lacks the fruit of love to which they can give themselves. When there is no child, spouses feel the inferiority of their marriage. Can this be considered a punishment or a disgrace to the family, as it was in the Old Testament times? The Orthodox Church says no.

We do not know the providence of God about us. You can see its effect after a while, looking back. Then the person realizes that what seemed to be misfortune and punishment had a different purpose. In such an incomprehensible way, God's Providence leads us through trials - and through this shows Divine care and love.

Not everyone is able to accept the action of Providence for us, not everyone can put up with it. But if a person understands that God is Love, then any sorrow can be accepted, and barrenness is no exception. It can be understood as a cross, as an indication of the direction of love in another direction, for example: caring for orphans, adoption.

How to deal with infertility?

Humility is the acceptance of the will of God in relation to human life, no matter how cruel it may seem. How a couple come to terms with infertility, Orthodoxy gives a clear answer. The absence of offspring is a real test for relationships, a test of love. When a common misfortune unites, it can unite, help to be more sensitive, become closer, and maybe move away from each other.

The Church speaks of infertility - this is not a sentence, you need to pray and wait. Christ said, "Ask and it will be given to you." Many righteous people were born after long prayers already from elderly parents. The stories of Abraham and Sarah, Zechariah and Elizabeth, Joachim and Anna are inspiring couples today with their example of patience and humility.

The will of God is not revealed quickly. If the spouses pray diligently, make every effort, consult with the priest, God will let them know whether they should expect a miracle, undergo treatment, or adopt a baby.