Sometimes it happens that a project called a family, or rather - a pair of two people - ends. The couple are forced to separate. We will not now analyze the reasons, options for the development of events and so on.

Now we will accept divorce as a fact and think about what about the child or several children that this couple has? Of course, all family events are reflected in them. So what about divorce and children? How does divorce affect psychological state children, and how should parents behave?

Article navigation: "Divorce and children: how to survive with minimal losses"

It seems to many that children in divorce will inevitably suffer that children must certainly grow up in a family where there is a father and mother who live together. Any family, as long as it's complete.

Such an idea may be related to the social attitude that children should take on the roles of mother and father, that only being in a complete family will they be able to fully receive parental attention.

Many people think that this is the only way children will learn to build personal relationships and create their own family in the future. Plots from films are added here, examples from fiction and the stories of acquaintances, supported by their fears.

Divorce is inevitably associated with scandals, quarrels, suffering for both parents and children. And, it's no secret that enough couples maintain the appearance of a family just because of the kids. How is it that dad (or mom) will live separately, because the child will be injured, will he worry?!

More precisely, many do not even try to look behind this curtain and just imagine what will happen. It's scary, it just shouldn't be like that, so you shouldn't even discuss it.

And the family, albeit dysfunctional, with spouses who have cooled off towards each other, family scandals, quarrels, and sometimes assault, continues to exist.

And what do the children themselves from such families think, which were preserved “only for the sake of children”? Interestingly, not all children who have already become adults are grateful to their parents.

Children are very sensitive to the atmosphere in the family. And feeling that their parents are unhappy, that they hate each other, children often take the blame for what is happening, and they live with this guilt for many years.

Let's think, and if the spouses break up, then do they cease to be parents? After all parental rights and no one takes responsibility for it. matrimonial relationship ends, but no one takes the parents away from the child.

And it depends only on the adults themselves how they build the process of joint upbringing and communication with the child. after divorce. And that's what we're going to talk about in this article.

In order to be able to help the child through this situation, parents must first think about themselves. Almost any divorce is a stressful situation for each of the spouses, so measures must be taken in order to be able to cope with it.

Otherwise, getting into an uncontrollable emotional crisis, parents lose control over both their condition and the ability to feel the condition of their child and respond to it.

For acute situations, I often give such an example. In the aircraft, in the event of cabin depressurization, there is binding rule- Put on oxygen masks. And - and this is very important! - First, the adult must put on the mask, and only then put it on the child.

It would seem that it should be the other way around. But if you think about it, then everything is right - by thinking about ourselves, we give the opportunity to help those who need our help.

Of course, the process of experiencing a breakup can be long. A person goes through several stages - an acute experience of the situation, an emotional upsurge and a sense of freedom, then a recession, possible depression and, finally, acceptance of the situation.

And sometimes you may want to speak out own child- especially if he is already old enough, and you know that he will understand you. Then the child runs the risk of becoming a "vest" - a friend or girlfriend to whom you are ready to express everything that has accumulated and hurt. Moreover (this applies to the spouse with whom the child remains), the child is nearby, and will always be ready to talk to you and listen to you.

Here I would like to warn in advance about such a situation - the child should not become such a “vest”. He will not be able to fully become it: after all, he will hear and understand what you say to him, at his level, depending on his age.

And even if you have quite friendly relations, the child still perceives you as a parent, as an adult on whom the child relies. And if your despair and hopelessness are very bright, the child may have an acute sense of insecurity. In the eyes of a child, even if mom / dad do not know what to do, then the fate of the child himself may seem quite sad to him.

In this, perhaps, difficult period for your family, you should not overload the psyche of the child. venting your emotions. Yes, emotions need to be lived and expressed, and it is very important to just tell someone everything, cry, talk.

But you better call a friend, girlfriend or another close person, try not to utter everything to your son or daughter. A psychologist is also suitable for this role - this is just the person who can adequately perceive your information, without criticism and unnecessary advice.

Starting your new life after a divorce, parents often either completely forget about the child because of their own experiences, or vice versa - they completely immerse themselves in it, thereby trying, as it were, to switch attention, to get away from what is happening.

Switching attention may be the right tactic, but find something else to do it. Ideal if in relation to the child after divorce approximately the same balance that was before in a complete family will remain.

During a divorce, situations are not uncommon when a mother or father begins to monopolize the child, depriving him of communication with the other parent. Here it is also necessary to mention the desire to blame the ex-spouse, and tell the children about what their father or mother was guilty of.

It is even worse if the negative trait that you see in your ex-spouse is emphasized in the child. The wife, of course, will not change this, but the child will add unnecessary worries and feelings of guilt. If you really want to discuss something sore, then, again, find another person for this who will be ready to listen to you.

What does a child hear when you say: “You are as capricious (clumsy, illiterate, arrogant, rude, etc.) as your dad (mom)” -? Most of your negativity is directed not even at the child, but at the ex-spouse. But the child perceives everything quite literally - “I am bad, and I am naturally bad, since my dad (mother) is like that (like that). Now I’m definitely not going to be good.”

Added to this is the guilt for what he did. former spouse which the child has nothing to do with. Hence and low self-esteem, and learned helplessness (when a child learns in advance that it is useless to act somehow to improve the situation, and does not even try to do something, this has a very negative effect on his future), and distrust of the world, and much more that reflects on the emerging psyche.

Remember what we talked about at the very beginning. The separation of adults should not be reflected in the relationship “mother-child” and “father-child”. Divorce and children These are different planes of the situation. And children in divorce have the right to maintain normal relations with mom and dad, and with relatives on both sides. It is important to maintain communication with both parents as much as possible.

Let's think about what a family gives a child? Why is she to him? Based on our biological nature, the family is a physical opportunity for a baby to grow up. Without adults, this is simply impossible.

And the main thing that a child receives at the most basic level is security and acceptance of him as a new person. Family roles, social conventions - this is all secondary, this is later. And during a divorce, this basic, most basic and seemingly simple need often suffers.

The child ceases to feel safe - the world around is collapsing. Sometimes children themselves try to reconcile and glue the family together during the divorce of their parents. By doing this, they, as it were, save their world, which for them begins to collapse.

You should not go to the other extreme, deceiving the child that nothing is happening. No, something is happening - the family way of life is changing, someone is leaving, communication within the family will also change. But, believe me, the psyche of the child itself is very flexible, and he will be able to adapt to many things.

On a subconscious level, without words, the child captures the inner state of the parents. If the world is collapsing for you, then most likely you will project this feeling around yourself, pass it on to your child.

In those situations where divorce is a completely conscious step on both sides equally, and when parents are ready to constructively approach the solution and create a new model of relationships, the child’s sense of security may not suffer at all.

Children perceive a lot at the level of sensations, feelings. They convey the mood of their parents without words. Just imagine the situation - dad works outside the city and visits the child only on weekends. Parents treat the situation as a working moment, everything is calm and good in their souls.

Will the child experience and suffer? Hardly. He, like his parents, will understand that everything goes its own way. And what is the fundamental difference between the situation when the father is with the child on weekends, but the parents are divorced? From a child's point of view, almost nothing. The child is not yet loaded with social standards and conventions, as it should be. Therefore, the task of adults is not to introduce “adult” questions into his world.

Even adolescents, from whom we seem to expect an “adult” attitude, in fact, often relate to the situation “childishly”, sometimes even responding to a regression to a stressful situation (i.e., starting to behave like children behave younger age). Therefore, leave the adult - an adult, without burdening the child with the expectation of somehow participating in solving issues related to you and your spouse.

In acute cases, an appeal to a psychologist will help in order to more easily survive this period and integrate into a new way of life, because life will change after a divorce. So that your anxiety is not passed on to children, it is important to once again speak out and realize the fact that divorce is the separation of spouses, and not parents with children.

Children may well survive the divorce of their parents almost painlessly. This is true, and there are such cases in my practice. The main thing is adequate adults who will be nearby. This is attention, love and sensitivity towards the child. This is how much you, as parents, will be able to convey to the child a sense of security.

After all, in fact, the child's parents remain the same. Parting with each other, parents do not cease to be mom and dad. And if you feel this yourself, then it will be much easier for you to go through this process and build a new form of relationship in which the child will feel loved.

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Divorce is always a very traumatic experience for a child. We, as parents, cannot manage a separation in such a way that it does not affect the psyche of the child. No matter how much parents try to mitigate the impact of divorce on a child, there will always be some negative consequences of this situation. Of course, this does not mean that the way out of this situation is “we will be together for the sake of the child”. It is worth knowing better what effect divorce can have on a child and how to alleviate its consequences.

The reaction of the child to the divorce of the parents depends on what phase of development he is in (that is, at what age he is at the time of the separation of the parents). Stands out 4 age groups together with their characteristic difficulties - children aged 3 to 5 years; children aged 6-10 years; children aged 9-12 years and adolescents (13 years and above). Let's look back today at what is done with the youngest children, together with a period that is not mentioned in the literature, before the 3rd year of life.

Early divorces (up to five years after marriage) are becoming more and more common. As a result, more and more young children are witnessing the separation of their parents. Just because a 12- to 18-month-old child is not yet able to express his emotions does not mean that he does not feel them, and also does not mean that he will not feel the negative consequences of divorce - even if the father was not very much present in his life.

Read also: How to get your child to do homework without unnecessary problems

The task of the development of a child up to 3 years is the study of the world around him. The more secure the child feels in his own home and accompanied by his parents, the more boldly he explores the world, looks at it with trust and more willingly interacts with it. A child who can explore the world safely in the future will be self-confident, courageous and optimistic. During this period, the child also needs a routine - certain, repetitive actions that make up his world and make the child feel safe. Divorce not only creates chaos (the very routine of adult life is also the result of frustration in divorce), but also robs the child of a sense of security. One parent disappears, and the child cannot be sure that the other parent will not also disappear. As a result, a child who does not yet know how to express his fears and fears begins to show his emotions with behavior characterized by an increased sense of fear or nervous hyperreactivity.

During this period, you may experience:

• eating disorders,
• sleep disorders
• bed-wetting
• the child often and firmly clings to the remaining parent.

The aggravation of any of these symptoms indicates that the child is experiencing a very bad divorce of his parents and needs help in the process of moving through this situation.

The impact of divorce on a child - 3-5 years

Read also: Relationships between children with a big age difference. How to establish harmony in the family

A child at this age is already able to express his feelings - during this period, an "emotional climate" is formed in the child, on which depends what kind of environment the world will be for him. Whether it will seem to him so pleasant and friendly or hostile and full of dangers - this vision of the world will be of great importance for the whole life of the child and his maturity.

In terms of threats, between the 3rd and 5th year of life, this is the most difficult and worst time for divorce. At this time, the baby also creates a vision of sexuality and its models based on sex. Therefore, when one of the parents leaves, this vision can be disturbed. Fortunately, the psychological mechanisms of the child allow him to “choose from the environment” another person who will serve as a model for him (in the case of the father’s departure, such a person may become an uncle, grandfather or neighbor).

Remember also that this period is a time of egocentrism for the baby. The child considers himself the center of the world, the most important being in the universe - therefore, he easily attributes the blame for the divorce of his parents to himself. It is therefore important to explain this situation to the child. However, it is impossible to stop only with explanations in words. The child must understand and accept the fact that he is not guilty. Therefore, you need to ask him about how he understands the situation and what happened.

When the son was 2 years and 2 months, Ekaterina unexpectedly ended up in the hospital for almost two weeks. Returning home, she shared with other mothers her ways of organizing the life of a child - so that he endured separation as easily as possible.

Photo source: flickr.com

During separation from his son, his father was 24 hours a day. The connection he has with his son is very strong, as the husband always spent a lot of time with his son, both physically and emotionally.

1. I called and talked to my son three or four times a day

I tried to do this in those moments when he especially strongly felt my absence: as soon as he woke up - in the morning or afternoon, and when it was time to go to bed in the evening.

He wasn't talking yet, he could only say "uh-huh" if the question was phrased correctly. Therefore, I greeted him, saying that I love him, that I know that he misses me, that I miss him too, that I’m sorry, but I can’t be around right now, BUT ...

2. Together we were looking for candy on the phone

I asked my husband to buy different sweets with interesting wrappers, and during the day he hid them at home in different places.

Photo source: freepik.com

He told me where he hid another candy, and now it was the same BUT, the same small bridge.

I told my son

I hid something for you at home, let's look together.

And together we were looking for candy on the phone.

When found, every time I heard an enthusiastic exclamation, I managed to tell him not to throw away the candy wrapper, that as soon as I get home, we will look at all the pictures together.

Photo source: mycdn.me

“Bye-bye” I said already against the background of the rustle of unwrapped candy and dad’s conversations about what was on the candy wrapper.

The son did not always eat the candy, sometimes he wrapped it back and put it back, and during the day he found it again when he wanted to.

3. I drew some pictures for my son

I drew it as best I could ... I drew our house and it with dad inside, I drew ambulance, the hospital and herself in the window and connected them by a road.

I also drew a few moments from ordinary life that we usually do together: bathe in the bath, eat an orange, swim in the pool, etc.

When they came to me four days later with a bouquet of flowers collected for me along the way, we looked at and discussed these pictures together.

Photo source: therebenok.ru

And then, at home, the son watched them with his dad.

4. Shift the focus away from the breakup

Before they came to my hospital, I often observed how much children cry at the moment of parting with their mother.

Especially if, reaching the very end of the visiting time, the children see the gate closing, behind which the mother remains.

When it was time for my son and dad to leave, I saw how the little face tensed up and said:

I'll go up the stairs now and throw the biggest red apple out of the window for you, do you think you can catch it?

She and dad caught an apple, ate it all the way home, and candy was waiting at home, in a new secluded place that "only mom knows."

Photo source: fishki.net

When I returned home, an exhibition of candy wrappers was waiting for me. She and dad glued them on cardboard and arranged them for easy viewing.

I was very afraid that during visits to the hospital or when I returned home I would see warning signs of our separation.

That the child will cling to me, will not move a single step, or, even worse, on the contrary, will defend himself and will not notice me, will behave as if I do not exist, as if he does not care. But I didn't see any of that...

During visits to the hospital, I grabbed my son in an armful, kissed and said how important and dear he was to me, that I would be home soon and how great they were with dad.

Photo source: webd.com

The son laughed, hugged, bathed in it for a while, and then ... ran away to play nearby, because there are a lot of interesting things around.

Based on my own experience, I can now say that it works. The cover works.

When we shift the focus from a breakup to the next meeting - a real one, a phone call, a gift, a date in a dream - anything.

It is very important for our children to represent this next encounter.

So even a long separation can be represented in the form of small segments of waiting for a meeting, in the form of successive bridges evenly distributed in time.

When we are not physically close, it is our responsibility, the responsibility of adults to help them feel connected with us at a distance, not to allow them to lose confidence in us, not to let them feel abandoned.

Photo source: wapa.pe

And, of course, we must not forget that they have every right to be upset, sad and cry, and we just have to respect these emotions, console and accept.

5. Those were the tears he needed.

Two days before the discharge, we went to look at the trains that were passing nearby.

They came, but the train is still no and no ... And the son began to cry.

Photo source: flickr.com

At first, nothing unusual: the train is not moving. But then a train passed, then another and another ... and he kept crying and crying in my arms.

First loud, very loud, then quieter, then louder again, then quieter again, and I kept saying: yes, I know, you really want me to be around, you want to be together, it will be so soon, but until I can.

And so for about half an hour. Then the crying became quieter, then only plaintive sobs remained, then they too subsided.

How do you help children cope with a sudden separation?

Loving your own children is a completely natural feeling. However, for some parents, this feeling is so strong that any separation from the child, even the shortest, is quite painful. It is so hard for them to endure this time that they not only get nervous themselves, but also make their children nervous with constant calls, instructions, and so on.

What can you advise parents in this situation?

Of course, at first it will be difficult for you to experience separation from children. But if you behave correctly, then over time you will become much calmer. You will no longer call them several hundred times a day, constantly read moralizing and instructions. Give your children some freedom, it will only benefit your relationship.

Alena, Yekaterinburg

Psychologist's comment:

The author gives specific advice, not at all trying to understand where and for what reason parents find it hard to endure separation from their children. Moreover, from the context it suddenly becomes clear that we are talking about adult children, because they are already studying at the university or have gone on vacation on their own.

In fact, if anxiety in the absence of adult children has become unbearable, this only says one thing: the family has an inverted hierarchy, parents have taken the position of objects of care, and children provide (psychological) stability and security.

The recommendations are thus similar to the advice to the nanny "How to distract the child when mom has left for work": remind him that mom will come soon, that if she does not go to work, she will not have money for toys and sweets, turn him on cartoons or read ... And in general: good boys take care of mom and do not cry so that she does not worry.

Although, on the other hand, in a situation of separation from a loved one, we all fall into early childhood when you sit at the door in a dark corridor and expect only one thing: for steps to be heard outside the door and the key to turn. And all life collapses to the size of this tiny spot of light in the hallway.

I would advise people who can hardly stand the departure, loneliness, separation, try to answer the question “What do I feel now?” And then remember in what other situations this emotion arose when it appeared. Allow yourself to fully experience it (“I feel terribly bitter, scared, lonely, I feel abandoned”). And take care of your little self with the strength of yourself as an adult: “I want to talk to someone - I’ll go and call my friend. I want to feel taken care of myself - I'll go make myself some sweet tea. I'm bored - I'll watch my favorite series.

That is, do almost the same thing as recommended in the article. But first of all - to realize the emotion and take responsibility for your life and mood.

Katerina Demina, psychologist

In this article, we will consider how to properly part with a child, depending on the age of the child, the main important points at parting.

Parting with a child age

We will analyze how the age of the child affects the process of parting with the mother.

At any age, parting is hard, so pay more attention and buy:

• soft beautiful;
• with all sorts to them;

0-5(6) months

The baby may practically not react in any way to parting with his mother (within reason, of course). That is, if there is a caring adult nearby, with a familiar look (smell), then there will be no obvious reaction to the mother's departure. This happens because a child at this age perceives only those objects that are in this moment in his field of vision and sensation. That is, mother is there as long as she can be seen, heard and felt. The child does not retain in memory an object that has disappeared from view.

Therefore, at this age, of course, there is no point in the advice "not to leave secretly" and so on. At this age, just, you just need to leave, and try to return as soon as possible. It is advisable not to be absent for more than two hours, and upon arrival, take the child and feed him. I repeat, in this article we do not consider the forced long absences of the mother (to the hospital, for example). It's about about short term care. For this period, the time of the absence of the mother - about 2 hours - is completely normal for the child. Usually, the "normal time of mother's absence" is equal to the interval between feedings (2-3 hours).

6-10 months

Remember that it's not the amount of time together that matters, but the quality of it. By the way, this is not just a "consolation" for working parents, but a very real fact. In many maternal communities, there are many examples when a mother spends 24 hours a day with a child, and at the same time the child clearly demonstrates that his mother is not enough for him. This means that the mother, although physically nearby, is not really with the child. Therefore, everything is in your hands!

Good luck to you and your baby!