Manipulation is the leverage that a particular person uses to subjugate the will of another.

With the help of such levers, the parent-manipulator influences his child, inspiring him with distorted information. He plays out his scenarios, presses on the feelings of the child and inspires him with the “correctness” of behavior. As a result, the child does not act in accordance with his soul, ego and character. He betrays himself, because he does things dictated by another person.

Psychological manipulations have become so massive that, perhaps, one cannot find a family in which, sooner or later, a father or mother would not resort to such a simple and accessible method.

• It's easier to push than to explain.
• It's easier to force than to wait for awareness.
• It is easier to inspire than to hope for understanding.

Manipulation is becoming the most common way of communication.

Any psychological manipulation causes in a person, especially in a child, a feeling of fear, shame, worthlessness and guilt.

And most importantly, they begin to believe that they are not good enough, they are not truly loved, that they are unhappy with them, that their parents simply tolerate them. It seems to them that mothers are embarrassed for them, when they want to be admired.

Such "pedagogical techniques" are used by parents when they are simply too lazy to engage in the correct upbringing of the child, and they want to have more free personal time.

It's easier to manipulate than to really help sort out the situation.

Through manipulation, parents provide themselves with imaginary authority, hide bad parenting skills, and ensure their peace, while replacing life with a game.

And this is not a game of “What? Where? When? ”, And a cheap standard scenario for weak-willed, stupid and failed people

Manipulation is always a game in which there are no adults and sane people, but only children.

Ungrown parents, like children, a little older than their own, crush the weaker ones with their authority, and force them to obey against their true desires. For some time, parents manage to quietly replace upbringing with manipulation, but as the children grow up, they will receive in full, and they will respond in kind.

Intimidation and suspicion

Parents do not really take care of the child, but periodically pretend that they keep the situation on the pulse.

• "You have done your homework? What if I check?
• “Maybe it’s time to go to school, for sure class teacher I have something to say about you."

After that, no one checks the lessons, does not go to school, but the child gets scared and begins to correct something.

For the time being, for the time being, it is still possible to keep the child in the grip of fear, but soon he will be convinced that his parents simply do not have time for him, and there will be nothing but empty talk.

Usually to adolescence such a child is already fluent in this technique, and begins to mirror it on his parents. They begin to scare their parents, knowing that they will not do anything like that. For example: “I will leave the house if you ...”, or in general: “I will jump out of the window if ...”

Usually such parents have one child who was given hard and late. All life revolves around him, and manipulation becomes a reliable tool for growing a completely dependent personality from his child.

Parents need their child to be dependent on them all the time. Slowly, step by step, they prove to him that the world is filled with difficulties, dangers and terrible situations.

Parents cannot breathe in their long-awaited miracle. They protect it from the smallest breeze, blind rain and leaf fall. Lead by the hand to school High school prom, do homework with him, spoon-feed only healthy food and control every step. Be friends with that one, but not with this one. Come here, don't you dare go there. Look at it, play it, but forget about this area. And so in everything.

As a result, such a child develops a clear conviction that the whole world is filled with various dangers: viruses, maniacs, rabid dogs and poisoned products. Bad potential situations come out of every crack, and only parents, like deities, can close all these troubles with themselves. This is exactly what parents are trying to achieve, and such behavior can be both conscious and subconscious.

Such an approach entails a colossal waste of time, great effort and diligence.

There is only one result - the manipulation of parents teaches the child to completely hide behind the backs of the parents, and not even try to solve minor problems on their own.

After all, an independent and self-sufficient child will not need parental care so much. He will live his own life, thereby from an early age he will begin to separate from them.

If he starts to resist, then the parents will immediately put pressure on the “corn”, they say, “we have done so much for you, and you…”.

For example: “How can you leave ballroom school when I bought you so many dresses, took you to competitions at the expense of my time?” Single mothers are more common among overprotective parents. In their life there is only a child, as her property and the meaning of life. To take away her child is to take her life. And the firstborn himself can “take away” - go out under them.

Parents are perfect

Perfection in everything - You will not envy children born in such a family. From an early age, they seem to fall short of the level, and dishonor their ideal parents. For as long as he can remember, such a child has heard: “My dad and I are medalists, and you are good”, “Everyone has a good ear, but a bear came into your ear”, “dad is the best hockey player, but you don’t know how to hold a stick in your hands”, “ Grandpa would be ashamed of you if he lived to see this shame.”

As a result, perfectionist parents hammer it into their child's head that they perfect family, except him. And he, in turn, makes every effort to reach the heights that are the canon in the family.

He becomes a hockey player, and a chorister, and a medalist, in a word - anyone, but not himself.

Such parents cannot be blamed for dislike or indifference to children because:

• They really do their best in every way.
• They literally from birth take care of the physical, psycho-emotional and intellectual development of the child.
• They sign him up for all kinds of circles, hire tutors, take him to the best school on the other side of the city, in a word, they develop him comprehensively.

In return, he simply has to become the best everywhere and complete the family with a diamond of his brilliance. And manipulation is simple. For every success of a child, parents retort that he could do better, faster and on a larger scale. Parents push and push, thinking they are cutting talent. And the child feels that he is a freak in the family. It seems to him that he is loved only for medals and diplomas. Thinks love has to be earned.

If the child is driven, then in adulthood he will look for a tyrant. If a leader is born in such a family, then he will quickly figure out the manipulation of his parents, and will begin to do the opposite: he will pick up twos, quit hockey and become a bard.

Parents are always "sick" people

Grabbing your heart, dripping valerian, applying a wet towel to your forehead - a scene from a cheap parental theater. To it are added exclamations like:

• “You want to take me to the grave”;
• “Do you want to bring a heart attack”;
• “When I die, you won’t even come to the grave.”

Or drip on the brain with phrases:

• “Don’t stay up late, otherwise if my heart is taken away, then I won’t be able to call an ambulance”;
• “One more F and I will have another heart attack,” etc.

Some parents play such performances so often that the children stop responding to it. And God forbid that such a mother really had a heart attack, and no help from the child followed.

In every family there is such an offended one, on which everyone is afraid to carry water. Remember, in the cartoon "Winnie the Pooh" donkey Eeyore? He was always dissatisfied with everything, only then he found the strength to rejoice at a jug of honey, a burst balloon and his tail. And so far, he's been mumbling and mumbling.

Such people seem submissive, they humbly accept the hardships of life and mumble, mumble and mumble:

• “Well, what can I do, how long I have left to live there”;
• “I already had everything, now you can just while away your life”;
• “Nothing, I have never been to the sea, so I might not go.”

Such a manipulator causes a feeling of guilt among the lucky and merry people:

• “Have fun, and I will cry”;
• “You go, and I will give myself an injection”;
• “Don’t think about me, it’s a trifle, enjoy life, and I’m somehow on my own.”

They usually accompany all their phrases with facial expressions and mise en scenes: lowered shoulders, an extinct look, a quiet voice.

The manipulator masters the technique of "suffering" to perfection and successfully terrorizes the entire family, especially children.

This ability is formed at the age of 1.5 to 3 years. Babies feel great emotional condition parents, especially mothers, because the crumbs have a long-standing relationship with her - from birth and even 9 months before it. It is on their mother that kids usually begin to hone their manipulator skills. Dads are less affected.

Babies up to a year quickly recognize the "weak points" of their parents and successfully use it.

Why do kids do it?

They are not yet able to cooperate on an equal footing. Manipulation in this case replaces them with partnerships with adults.

They want to have a "magic wand" - a way that always works, by which they will achieve everything they want. They want to be bigger and more important.

What methods do children use?

1. Hysterics.
2. Feigned helplessness - "Mom will do everything herself, because she will certainly take pity on me."
3. Pretentious militancy.
4. Disease or its simulation.
5. Flattery.

Consequences.

If manipulations are not stopped in childhood, indulged in them, follow their lead, the child may grow up with incorrect, “unhealthy” attitudes for the future.

Manipulation will become so firmly embedded in a person’s character that it is difficult to predict what he will be ready to go to get what he wants, for example, at 30 or 40 years old.

Child manipulates parents (7 years old) What to do?

The number of victims of the manipulator will grow with him.

If a manipulator has been able to make people “dance to its tune” since childhood, and one day a well-functioning mechanism of influence suddenly fails, this can turn into a real disaster for the manipulator himself - a crash life values, severe depression and even psychopathy. And this is a difficult and unpleasant diagnosis.

How to stop?

You need to forget about pity! Learn to distinguish between pity and mercy.

1. Encourage direct expression of your desires. If you cannot give what the child is asking for, say your “no” directly and firmly and justify why the child’s request cannot be fulfilled now.
2. In the process of releasing from the actions of the manipulator, do not allow the personality and character of the child to be crippled. He is what he is. And fundamentally it cannot be changed.
3. Try not to be manipulative yourself. Instead of: “If you clean up, I’ll buy ice cream,” you can say: “Let’s clean up, and then eat ice cream together?”.
4. Do not compare children in the family. "Look, he's behaving well, why are you like this?"

Let the child always feel that he is loved.

1. Do not start the situation with manipulation, stop it as quickly as possible.
2. Do not apply physical punishment to the manipulator. This will not give the desired result, and the relationship will be ruined completely.
3. There will be many quarrels in the fight against manipulation. The main rule that you must learn yourself and instill in your child is that you always need to make up before going to bed!
4. Teach your baby to respect parental needs as well - mom is also a person, she can get tired, need silence. And so joint modeling is postponed to a later time.
5. It is extremely difficult for parents to deal with feelings of guilt.

   Remember that children can manipulate guilt too.

6. It is important for parents to stop being manipulators themselves, at least on the family front. The most common marital tools to achieve something are silence, a sudden departure "to live with a friend or mother", a spree. Familiar? Then it's time to learn to trust and express your desires openly.

Quite often, psychologists are approached by people who are worried about the problem of relationships with elderly parents, who reduce any disagreements to intimidation by the deterioration of their health or even death: “Here I die, then you will do what you want!”.

What is it? A request for help, an attempt to earn respect from your child, or a manifestation of control and power? Often, such a phrase may hide not a real health problem, but manipulation of your already adult child in order to form a sense of responsibility and guilt. But being in a family relationship, it is very difficult to independently determine the boundary that separates the actual deterioration in the well-being of an elderly parent and the deliberate influence on an adult child by imposing a permanent status of “guilty” on him.

Consider an example from the practice of a psychologist:

Anna turned to a specialist for help. She is married and has two children, but she calls the relationship with her elderly mother difficult: “I don’t know how to express my opinion, my interests, and at the same time not make my mother feel worse. It seems to me that I do not deprive her of attention. We often call each other and come with the whole family to visit her and her father. But she still gets offended on those rare days when I can't call her, even though she knows why I'm busy and that it's important to my work. More and more often I hear from her that she is ill and that she will die soon, and I will be to blame for this. These words hurt me. I feel like a bad daughter, although I try to help her. This situation is taking a lot out of me.”

Later, during the consultation, it turned out that since childhood, Anna had developed a strong dependence on the opinion of her mother, on her reactions and mood. Situations when a mother resorted to manipulation of poor health were not rare, they began suddenly and ended just as quickly when she achieved what she wanted from her daughter. Anna has not lived with her parents for a long time and has her own family, but the problem of dependent relationships has not been resolved and continues to bother her, as well as an obsessive sense of guilt towards her elderly mother.

Anna is not alone in her problem. In practice, many people find themselves in a similar situation.

The reasons why elderly parent resorts to the manipulation of death can be many: here can be attributed low level satisfaction with one's own life, the desire to control a matured child, at a time when there are no real reasons for this, disagreement with the fact that the child lives his own independent life, and much more.

Let's look at who is most prone to falling into dependence on close blood ties:

First of all, these are people who have a strong need for approval, growing up in conditions in which it is necessary to “win” parental love with their good behavior. Approval addiction can be closely related to low self-esteem of the individual, resulting in the need to confirm their importance through "good" deeds and actions. Thus, a parent who raises his child in a similar way forms in him a strong desire to meet parental needs. In old age, this can manifest itself in the demand for unreasonable and excessive care and attention to oneself. In case of non-fulfillment of parental requests, a child brought up in these conditions will be dominated by a sense of guilt, and he will be tormented by thoughts: “I am a bad daughter / bad son”, there are even no real reasons for this.

· Adults who were brought up in authoritarian conditions, where attempts to express themselves, express their opinions, and / or in conditions of hyper-custody, can also get into such a situation. Often such people are deprived of independence and, even having their own family, they tend to perceive the opinion of their parents as the only true one and are ready to live according to their instructions. Refusal to take responsibility for one's life creates a dependent relationship with parents who perform this function for their adult child and thus claim control of his time and life.

· Another category of people subject to manipulation by older parents is people with a victim complex. Manifestations of sacrifice may overlap with the first two points: this is not the ability to take responsibility for one's life, and the desire to win love. A person with a victim complex thinks negatively, does not know how to say “no”, acts to the detriment of himself. From him you can hear: “What is all this to me?”. But by saying this, he takes on more and more obligations, even when he is not asked about it. He literally attracts negative situations to himself and lives for everyone, but not for himself, that is, "gives himself as a sacrifice to other people." That is why additional obligations are piled on him, and he becomes the target of other people's requests, including the excessive and unreasonable whims of elderly parents.

Continuation of the example

In the course of working with a psychologist, Anna found out what situations from childhood provoked what she has now, namely, a feeling of guilt towards an elderly mother, in conditions when Anna does a lot to support her and pays to communicate with her mother a large number of time. Having identified the reasons for this behavior, Anna determined what attitudes prevent her from saying "no" when her mother's whims are excessive.

An important point of the work was the determination of her true desires. It turned out that Anna had long dreamed of living outside the city, but subconsciously afraid that her mother would not approve of her decision. After analyzing all the pros and cons, she realized that she could do this act without damaging her job and relationship with her mother, as she would be in good transport accessibility to the city.

After working with a psychologist, she admitted that many of her fears were in vain and, having understood her true desires, she began to feel better, and also stopped trying on the role of the “guilty daughter”. Mom initially accepted the changes in her daughter's behavior with hostility, but Anna does not intend to return to the previous model of relations and believes that her mother needs time to accept the new rules, because it took many years to form the old attitudes. Also, her husband supported her dream of moving, and they are actively discussing with the whole family how and when they can make it a reality.

How can psychotherapy help you?

It is important to understand that in order to solve this problem, it is necessary to correctly determine its origins, which, as a rule, are formed over the years, come from childhood and stretch in a train. adulthood. The help of a psychologist is necessary if you want:

• Get rid of the dependence of too close blood ties;
• Distinguish in which cases a request for help is real, and in which it is a tool to manipulate you;
• Learn how to build relationships with elderly parents, in which you can show proper respect for them and at the same time not lose yourself;
• Identify negative childhood attitudes and “throw them off your shoulders” in order to easily move on in life;
• Identify your true desires and needs and learn to live in accordance with them.

The advantage of working with a psychologist is that, being in a family relationship, we see the situation distorted and it is difficult for us to independently determine the moment of manipulation by older parents. While a psychologist will help you understand if this is really the case and find a way out of the situation, avoiding undesirable consequences and teaching you how to act differently, which will help you build harmonious relationships with elderly parents and at the same time not forget about your own goals and desires.

Learn more about the services of the Center and make an appointment you can call (812) 640-38-55 or by filling out the form below.

How Parents Manipulate Adult Children

Manipulation is the impact on a person by distorting information, playing out feelings in order to force him to do something, which often contradicts the goals and needs of the one who is affected.

Most often, the following manipulations are good in the relationship between parents and adult children:

Blackmail - "if you don't do it, don't come back on time, don't break up with this girl - I'll have a heart attack, my blood pressure will jump." And it jumps after all, and seizures happen ...

Resentment - “no one understands how bad it is for me, how all these words hurt me, I am very lonely (a)” “I did so much for you, and you! ...”

Guilt - “I gave birth to you, there were such difficult births, you were often sick - because of you I didn’t go to work, I didn’t get married because of you, I put my whole life on you ... - and you! ..” further list what you don't do for your mom. Or your dad. The offended one closes, is silent, and only sometimes looks at you with mute reproach. Or does not look in your direction at all, which is also hard for children to tolerate. Even if they are grown children. Guilt is the most the right way make an adult child do what his parent needs.

Rejection"Not Enough good kids". Whatever you do, it will always be bad, but someone is good, a neighbor, a brother, a nephew. Constant criticism of children and the desire of those to earn the love of their parents forces the latter to do everything or a lot of what their parents want.

In families where it was not possible to build relationships on direct communications (I don’t want to - do it, please), negotiate, compromise, manipulation flourishes.

Is the child manipulating? What to do?

Everyone understands how they work, but internal resources, honesty with oneself are not enough to refuse at least half of them.

Adult children who are manipulated by their parents can feel very sorry for their "old people". They remember how much effort and time these people invested in raising them, educating them, somewhere sacrificing their own interests. Often this realization comes when their own children are born, so they are ready to succumb to the manipulative behavior of their elderly parents. It happens that adult children think that their parents are just perfect, they did everything to make him, the child, happy, which is why he has no right to his own life.

Adult children who are manipulated by their parents are usually emotional, sensitive, insecure, do not feel their value, depend on the opinion of their parents, especially on the approval of their parents, constantly blame themselves for everything, avoid conflicts, confrontations. Often they unconsciously play the role of "victim". Nevertheless, such adult children experience some omnipotence, which allows them to believe that without them everything will collapse, their parents will get sick, die, or at least become very unhappy, and everything is their fault.

The hard part about these relationships is to interrupt the usual way of interacting. Accused, offended - felt guilty, blackmailed - scared. To believe that parents can do and survive a lot, they can themselves or call in this moment other people to help. It's about, of course, about those parents who are still taking care of themselves, are in a sober mind and good memory. The most difficult thing is to maintain the relationship at the same time, not to cut off on the anger that has accumulated over many years. But it is even more difficult to give yourself the right to live your life, the right to refuse when blackmailed, manipulated, not to abandon yourself when your parents reject you for the fact that an adult child stops playing the games of his elderly parents.

Situation: How to wean a child to manipulate adults

What to do if a child manipulates parents

Sometimes children cry, kick and throw toys, not because they feel bad or upset, but simply to get their way.

Such a hysteria is distinguished by demonstrativeness and very vivid emotions. Little manipulator needs spectators and he will certainly cry if there is someone nearby. If there are several people nearby, then this only increases the hysteria. So child manipulates parents.

Manipulative tantrums are not common to all children, but only to those who like to be in the center and attract the attention of others. Such children may be upset only because adults are talking to each other, and not to him. Often they begin to ask something, distract adults from conversations, and if this does not help, they perform actions that parents will definitely not like. In extreme cases, they throw tantrums.

The Problem of Teenage Manipulation

This allows them to always remain in the spotlight.

Since the demonstrative tantrum is expressed very violently, the parents have a natural desire to stop it as soon as possible. In this case, many make concessions, just not to hear the children's cry. As the saying goes, "Whatever the child amuses, if only he does not cry."

But think about what a child will learn, whose parents went on about him for the sake of a momentary calm of the baby? He will learn to use tantrums in order to achieve his goal in the future! Only further on, his methods will be more sophisticated, and they will be much more difficult to control. At 3 years old he stamps his feet, at 7 years old he refuses to do his homework, and at 15 he may skip classes or run away from home. And all this is just one, fixed in childhood, emotional reaction!

Such a tantrum is difficult, but it can be dealt with!

What to do if a child manipulates parents:

1. Pull yourself together and take a short pause to collect yourself internally.
2. Ask all “spectators” to leave the room, and if this is not possible, take the child to a quiet place where no one is around.
3. Decide for yourself whether you want (can) you allow the child what he asks for.
4. If not, then strictly, but always in an even and confident voice, tell the child your requirement.
5. Be prepared for the fact that you will have to "listen" to the children's cry for some more time.
6. Under no circumstances deviate from your demand, repeat it if necessary.
7. When the child calms down, hug him and be sure to tell him how much you love him.

If the tantrums are repeated, you need to repeat the entire cycle described above. Children learn quickly. As soon as the child understands that the tantrum is no longer working, he will stop crying and rebelling, because. children never do meaningless actions (we can't always see this meaning).

Reading 7 min. Views 1.6k. Published on 06/28/2019

Most psychologists argue that any attempt by the child to achieve what he wants with the help of hysteria and manipulation by parents should be stopped by stopping communication with him for a while. Just walking out of the room is enough to make it clear that the method he has chosen is not working.

But how to deal with a manipulator? After all, it is important to respond correctly in each specific situation, so as not to ignore a real request for help.

Explicit Manipulation Example

Imagine a situation. She vividly illustrates the behavior of a child-manipulator.

A 4-year-old girl came to the supermarket with her mother and insistently demands to buy a doll she likes. Mom refuses, calmly explains to the baby that she does not have such an opportunity now. And at this moment the real performance begins. The child cries, screams at the whole hall, rolls his eyes, falls to the floor and refuses to get up.

Mom silently goes to the checkout to pay for the planned purchases. Hysteria is ignored. Other buyers are at a loss, do not know how to react. The store consultant tells them that such a concert happens regularly. Mom always wins this battle. This is what happens this time as well. The girl calms down instantly as soon as she notices that her mother is not around. He gets up and runs after her.

In this case, there is no doubt that there is a clear attempt to manipulate on the part of the child. There are many such examples, many of us have experienced this, even if our own children do not allow such behavior. This case clearly confirms the correctness of psychologists. The girl did not achieve her goal: no reaction from her mother, no lectures, no gift.

Children's manipulations: causes and signs

Not only children act in this way, adults often show their kids how effective this approach can be by their own example.

"Do you love me? Help grandma in the garden.

"Do you want some chocolate? Clean up the scattered toys."

"Baby don't cry! Then I'll buy a car.

Children absorb such a program of behavior almost from birth.

Just as parents manipulate the behavior of their children, children in turn actively "learn from the experience."

In any case, it is very important to recognize manipulation attempts as early as possible. It depends on how quickly and relatively painlessly for nervous system all family.

The main causes of manipulation in children

A person's desire to achieve a goal with minimal effort is normal. At the same time, it is important to clearly argue your point of view, take responsibility for your actions, and have opportunities for active actions to achieve results.

In children, all available means are severely limited. There are desires, but as a rule, it is not possible to convey one’s thought and “push through” the idea.

At the same time, for most kids it is very difficult to accept a situation when the goal is not available in the near future. They quickly understand that adults react sharply to certain situations.

They get upset and nervous when their baby does not make contact. They are ashamed if their child throws a public tantrum. The result is a deal. “You do what I need, and I give you peace of mind, I become an exemplary child.”

It can be argued that the main reason for successful manipulation is that children are looking for a way to control their parents.

But at the same time, it is much easier for the older generation to satisfy the whim of the child than to make efforts to correct the situation. Many parents simply prefer not to reveal the true motives of their behavior.

Signs of manipulation

1. Cry. The most common way to control parents. Babies make this conclusion based on their own experience, which has been formed since birth. He cried - they picked him up, fed him, gave him a toy. But in this case, it is important to immediately determine real reasons crying. It's one thing when a child cries because he was offended in the yard, or he fell and knocked down his knee. It is completely different when he backs up his demands with tears and sobs.
2. Competition between parents. The situation when one of the parents tries to earn the love of the child by permissiveness occurs quite often.
3. Hysterics. In order to understand that a loud scream, howling, rolling eyes, falling on the floor, frighten and upset parents to such an extent that they are ready to meet halfway, it is enough to experience or observe another child. A random outdoor scene and your little one might decide to try the same thing. Will it suddenly work? If it works, it will be extremely difficult to convince otherwise.
4. Attachment. Manifestations of love, hugs, kisses to get what you want. In this situation, it is important to respond correctly: to reciprocate all manifestations of sympathy. But when after that the child makes a request, if you consider it necessary to refuse, do it calmly and with reason. It is important to explain the reason and not to link your decision and the manifestation of sympathy in any way.
5. Significant insult. Reluctance to talk, revealing pouting, lack of response to attempts to discuss the situation - a frequent way of manipulation. Children manipulators 2-4 years old use it especially often, they put pressure on pity.
6. Starvation. The child starts a "cold war" with the parents. They refuse to perform their usual duties, argue to the point of hoarseness over the slightest provocation, and are dissatisfied with everything that happens around.
7. Illness simulation. Most parents are ready to fulfill the slightest wishes of the baby, if he does not feel well. Not to go to kindergarten and spend the whole day at the computer, children can often simulate headache, weakness, to observe bed rest.

How to deal with manipulation

To effectively resist manipulation, it is important to understand and, if possible, eliminate their cause. Tactics of behavior directly depends on the actions of the child. For example, many children try to put pressure on their helplessness in order not to learn something (dressing, tying shoelaces, brushing their teeth).

The slow ones should set a clear time frame, the helpless "blackmailer" should be patiently taught to perform the necessary actions. It will be useful to repeat them often enough so that it is easier to do them right away than to keep training.

Many are baffled by the question of how to deal with a child who mimics the disease. Either way, you can't ignore it. Therefore, only one solution can be recommended. For any complaints, consult a doctor. No self medication.

As a result, you play it safe and do not miss the possible symptoms of deterioration in well-being, and in the case of a simulation, the doctor will reveal all the plans of the little manipulator. It is advisable not to make too much concessions to the child. As a result, he will determine for himself this method of manipulation as unsuccessful and stop simulating.

Successfully counteract hysteria, on the advice of psychologists, is possible only with absolute calmness. Nobody says it will be easy. But only after the child realizes that his plan is not working, he will stop arranging his “show performances”.

It is especially difficult for parents to take a firm stand when a tantrum is thrown in public places. It is necessary to clearly refuse the demand without additional persuasion or persuasion.

If emotional blackmail and pushing parents head-on has become your child's favorite technique, it is worth developing a unified position. You should not react to heavy sighs, take to heart the phrases “no one loves me”, “no one needs me”. You need to talk and patiently explain in each situation why the parents made this or that decision.

Conclusion

If a child manipulates parents, what to do and how to behave correctly (especially when the situation arose for the first time), logic and observation of changes in the behavior of the baby will prompt.

The simplest and effective method- speak openly, expressing your wishes, explaining the position, arguing the refusal. Nervous atmosphere, conversations in the style of "still too young to argue" will not bring results.

But, most importantly, give up on manipulating the child yourself, do not set an example, so as not to deal with the consequences later.

It is very unpleasant when a child manipulates adults. Children are very good at manipulating adults through various methods of their own, but this is fundamentally not true, because after all, who should educate whom?! Children of parents or parents of children? So let's see what manipulation is. And what to do when a child manipulates parents.

Children manipulate adults

What is manipulation anyway? Manipulation in children is the influence on parents or adults by covert, non-obvious methods. Children are very cunning in their actions, and do not hesitate, they are insidious and capable of achieving their goal by any means 🙂 If parents are “led” to such manifestations of character, then this brings up in a child, no matter a boy or girl, such character traits as:

• Cunning
• meanness
• Hypocrisy

Not at all pleasant character traits, is it? It seems that no parent wants to see a scoundrel in their child. Let's figure out where children's manipulations come from and what to do if a child manipulates. Let's go ahead and figure it out.

Where does child manipulation come from and how do children manipulate their parents?

Most often, children who do not receive care and affection from adults are prone to manipulation by their parents. Thus, through manipulation, the child tries to attract attention to himself, and it doesn’t matter in what ways. The child manipulates by crying or telling that something hurts him. In a word, by hook or by crook, the child will seek attention from adults. Moreover, if the trick worked, the child will consciously or unconsciously repeat the actions that led to the desired attention from the parents over and over again.

Up to the point that the child will get sick again and again, or bruise his forehead. All this happens in a childishly unconscious way, but for the future it leaves a very significant imprint on the psyche of an already adult person. In addition, manipulation transforms the child's psyche so much that it leads to sharp outbursts of aggression and hatred if the trick fails. That is, the problem of manipulating the child of parents must be solved as soon as possible.

What to do if the child manipulates?

First, let's figure it out: how to recognize manipulation? If you observe that a child in a certain situation behaves systematically in the same way, up to movements and facial expressions, then this is manipulation. Especially if all the "symptoms" go away, immediately after achieving the desired. And now the hardest part: in order to get rid of such an unpleasant illness, you need to completely kill the feeling of pity for the baby in yourself. Nobody talks about cruelty and indifference! No! Replace pity with love. Speak to the child good words, show affection, prove to the child that he is worth something and respected in his family. . Feeling such love and attention for themselves for a long period, day after day the manipulations on the part of the child in relation to adults will become obsolete and become useless. Below, point by point, we will specifically figure out how to counteract manipulation by the child.

How to behave when a child manipulates parents?

• How to deal with tantrums.
  Hysteria is the most common way for children to get what they want, but if you talk to the child calmly, I show a share of indifference. The main thing is to control yourself, because this is what the child is trying to achieve: to piss you off. and throws a tantrum, you can even move away from the child for a while, so that without him crying you can put your nerves in order, and then try to talk. Most likely, during your absence, the child will calm down on his own.
• Aggression.
  When a child shows aggression or irritability - the purpose of such a performance is to show parents a performance in which, after the curtain, you will have to indulge all of his cherished desires. Exit? Deprive the child of the audience, that is, themselves. In other words, let the child understand that you are not interested in his “performance” in any way, when he sees that the scene did not come out, the kid himself will refuse the idea of ​​\u200b\u200bmanipulating in this way.
• Slowness.
  Being "kapushka" is like a way to manipulate parents. The purpose of such manipulation is to make it clear to adults that they would do the same job or a certain action faster than they would be waiting for the child. Here the logic is simple: set a clear time frame for the child. For example, say that if he does not have time to do something, he will be left without a walk. By the way, as an option, a child can, for example, dress for a long time, hoping that his parents will leave him behind and will not take him to kindergarten. Make it clear to the child that he still has to go, even if late. It is very important in countering procrastination to show your child that you will strictly keep your promises. That is, if you said, for example, that the child will be left without breakfast if he does not have time to do something, then really do it.
• Injury.
  Of course, this method of manipulation is the most unpleasant for a child, but he is even ready for this in order to get the attention of adults. The kid can intentionally or subconsciously hurt himself in order to arouse the compassion and attention of his parents. Behave immediately with restraint, making it clear to the child that nothing irreparable and terrible has happened. Stay positive, praise the child that he pulled himself together so quickly, if he fell, immediately say kindly “Come on, get up”, praise the child for his courage. Such a favorable say on the child in the future.

I would like to say a separate thing about when the child is ready for any manipulations, just to get to the computer. And the result of manipulations on the part of the child can be a conflict between parents, when the behavior of a son or daughter is perceived in completely different ways, up to a quarrel. Therefore, you can read about that, or your husband. Forewarned is forearmed!

Summing up, I would like to note that the manipulation of the children of parents causes harm primarily to children, rooting negative attitudes in the psyche of the baby. We hope our article has helped you understand what to do if a child manipulates his mother. Therefore, I want to say again that during the difficult period of the child, keep a positive attitude, making it clear that everything depends on the child, that he himself is the arbiter of his own destiny and has the responsibility and power to solve any problems. As a rule, the most difficult period for a baby and a child is one that should be given special attention.

What comes first: the dog or its tail? The question is not from the realm of being, but about the authority of parents in children. Has your child ever pulled a rope out of you? Or maybe you just did not recognize the tactics of your child? How to stop the attempts of the "tail" to wag the whole "dog" or what to do if the child manipulates the parents?

Diaper manipulators

Every child is wise! He may be naive, but the fact that he is an excellent psychologist is obvious! Children remarkably feel their parents, and especially skillfully they manage to “understand” their mother. How else? For nine months, the baby was a part of her, and at the cellular level, he “permeated” both her fears and boundless love. Therefore, he knows how to manipulate his mother remarkably! What is psychological manipulation in the family?

Manipulation is the tactic of influencing one person on others in their own selfish interests, and this tactic, as a rule, is implicit, hidden.

Often, every parent at least occasionally, but uses this tactic in relation to children:
“Do you want me to buy you ice cream? Then behave yourself in the kindergarten!
"Do you want to play on the computer? Do your homework!"

Is it bad to be manipulative? In everyday life, people are more likely to encounter negative manipulations, therefore “manipulation” is often identified with deception, forcing a person to make a decision that is unfavorable to him. A skilled manipulator, as a rule, acts in such a way that his manipulations are perceived positively, or are carefully hidden and the “victim” does not even know that he is acting in the interests of another person. With regard to the child on the part of the parents, this is sometimes necessary, but when everything happens the other way around, this is wrong.

“Of course, children are not born manipulators, but they are diligently “sculpted” and created from ordinary kids, literally introducing them by the hand into the manipulative world of modern humanity,” says Shostrom Everett in his book “Manipulator Man: An Inner Journey from Manipulation to Actualization”. . - Children receive their first lessons, of course, from their parents, who are already a finished product of our manipulative society; children are still a semi-finished product.

Manipulation does not give its object a choice. The choice offered by the manipulator is always a win for him and a loser for the one to whom the tactic is applied. Therefore, mutually beneficial cooperation is always preferable to manipulations. But the children's psyche is not yet ready to go for it, children usually choose the open tactics of manipulating their parents.

Dictator or slobber?

Tantrums, tears, extortion, aggression or ostentatious helplessness are the most common tools for children to manipulate their parents.

Evgenia, the mother of nine-year-old Gleb, shares: “My son always gets what he wants from me. He knows how to catch the right moment, to expose the situation in such a way that it is beneficial to him. Throw a tantrum in a public place? Easy. After all, she knows that I am ashamed to be in the eyes of others a greedy and evil mother. I understand that I’m following him, but I can’t do anything. ”

Shostrom offers the following classification of types of manipulative children:

"Little slobber" - such a child behaves like a helpless, weak and unloved creature. He always feels bad, cannot do elementary things on his own, forcing his parents to perform duties for him. His weapons are tears, weakness. Such a child is not lazy, no! He is cunning. This is a little fox, who quickly learned that “diseases” and complaints can work wonders: mom, regretting, will do everything herself.

"Little Dictator" : Unlike the first type, this type does things differently. Adults “walk along the line”, because if something does not suit such a child, he achieves his goal by stamping his feet, grumbling, angry, offended.

"Sly Freddie" . So the psychologist called the type of child-manipulator, who is somewhat close to "slobber". From birth, the sly one understood that tears are what gives the attention of adults. He is loved and pitied as soon as the first teardrops shine in sly eyes.

"Cool Tom" , - not a fan of crying, instead of tears he has a different tool - a cool temper. Such a child pushes and bullies, calls names and fights. WITH early age he realized that hatred and fear are what make people submissive. Quite a tiny “Tom” is easy to recognize already by preferences: not soft bears and cubes, and pistols and knives are favorite toys. Such a child does not recognize authorities, and at school he has a hard time, as, indeed, those around him.

"Karl the Winner" - this is a special type of small manipulators, combining both "Fredy" and "Tom". Often these children are younger family forced to always live in some kind of competition: to succeed at all costs and prove their "adulthood".

Of course, this division is very conditional, but take a closer look at your child: does it remind you of anyone? Or maybe you do not know how to recognize manipulation?

Manipulating or needing love?

How to understand that this is manipulation, and not a need for attention?

In which families are children more likely to manipulate adults? As a rule, in those where dad and mom are insecure, they constantly ask themselves the questions “Am I a good parent?”, “Am I doing everything right?”. If parents constantly feel guilty towards their children, this creates the conditions for inconsistent parental behavior. Yes, yes, not only children, but also their dads and moms should behave correctly! Otherwise, the child has the opportunity to play on parental feelings.

When the situation of the child's behavior becomes systematic, and not only the trick itself is repeated, but also the facial expressions, gestures of the child, but as soon as he gets what he wants, the behavior returns to normal - manipulation is obvious.
When does a child try to manipulate parents consciously? Usually after a year and a half, when the baby begins to realize himself as a person.

From one and a half to three years is the most dangerous period in which manipulators are formed.

Toddlers are especially empathic and intuitively feel the emotional state of loved ones.
Children's manipulation may vary depending on the age of the child. So, the baby manipulates crying (not always the sobs of the crumbs - this is a desire to eat and a signal of pain), and the preschooler rolls on the floor or pretends to be sick; children school age can act cunningly, and soon the manipulation is modified into blackmail, simulation or flattery. On flattery, by the way, are conducted more mom than fathers, and the situation with the fox and the crow is repeated again and again.

Valentina, mother of thirteen-year-old Erika, says: “Erika has always been an affectionate girl, but soon a cunning was added to the caress, which I did not immediately recognize. She started from afar: she sat next to me, hugged me, started a conversation about how much she loves me. “You know, mom,” she said once, “her parents give Ksyusha and Olya money, for fives.” I also began to encourage her in small amounts. Soon the daughter began to extort new phone, citing the fact that Olya was bought for winning the Olympics. And when Erica won the intra-school stage, I bought a phone. And then the requests became higher - a fur coat, a computer ... Although she studies excellently and without gifts "

Children's manipulation is dangerous not even because parents follow the child's lead, but because it is a serious setting for the future, turning into a habit, manipulations with parents will develop into manipulations with big amount people and become a way of life. It is difficult for such people to build trusting relationship, seek friends and love. And the slightest “failure” in a well-thought-out system can cause a matured manipulator serious mental trauma, up to psychopathy.

How to return the "dog" the right to wag the "tail"?

How to save a child from the desire to continue to manipulate loved ones? First of all, you need to forget about pity! This does not mean that it is necessary to become indifferent or cruel! Replace pity with love and understanding. And then - with each type of manipulator, it is worth choosing a special line of behavior and sticking to it, observing patience and not crossing the border of pity.

If the “Little Slobber” has settled in the house, and his helplessness and sluggishness again and again force his mother to pull tights on him and lace up his shoes, because the child’s “arms hurt” or he wants to sleep, you need to set clear time limits. You can use counter manipulation: “If you don’t have time to do this, we won’t go for a walk!” If, “digging”, the child is delaying time in the hope of not going to kindergarten, he needs to be made clear: he will go to kindergarten anyway! Even if it's late. It is especially important here that the child understands: parents will not back down from their word. When dad said that he would not allow playing the console if the toys in the room were not removed in half an hour - it means that neither plaintive requests, nor tears - nothing on the part of the manipulator should make the parent's heart tremble.

It is worth doing the same with the “Sly Freddy”, and react calmly to tantrums. Do not forget that in this case, hysteria is not a manifestation of resentment, but a theater in which the audience is dad and mom. Deprive the actor of the "public", and he will quickly calm down, and later, when he realizes that tears do not fulfill desires, he will stop wasting energy on tantrums. But be careful: "Sly" can change tactics!

You can put the "little dictator" in his place by showing that the rules of conduct developed by his parents are above his requirements. And it is useful for "Cool Tom" to explain that his anger and aggression do not scare you. Reward the child if he speaks about his requirements directly, without veiling them in complex psychological tactics. But calmly explain why this request cannot be fulfilled now.

Sometimes children hurt themselves by trying to draw their parents' attention to their demands. So, kids often beat their heads against walls or floors, bite themselves. Some deliberately induce vomiting by sticking their fingers deep into their mouths.

Galina, grandmother of three-year-old Serezha: “When my grandson was brought to visit me, I wondered why the bruises on my forehead never go away. She sinned that his parents looked after him badly, but they assured - this is how Seryozha manipulates them! What manipulation, he's a baby! But one day, I forced the baby to go to sleep, turning off the cartoons, Seryozha began to beat his forehead on the floor! I was very scared and confused.”

What to do so that the child does not injure himself, but also not to follow his lead? The main thing is to remain calm and unflappable. Knocking forehead on the floor? Offer him a pillow. Seeing that the mother indulges his desire to hurt himself, most likely, the child will simply stop beating himself. If the “fight” continues, hold the child close to you, calm down, and then continue to do what you wanted, without satisfying the requirements of your “fighter”. It is clear that when the “tail” hurts, the “dog” also gets sick, but here it is better to “endure”.

There are a lot of tips on how to stop children's attempts at manipulation. But blindly following them is dangerous. Do not forget that a child is a person, it is wrong to radically change his character. And sometimes manipulation can cause a lack of parental attention. A child manipulates parents sometimes only because their love is not enough for him.

• Don't lose your temper.
• Try to say less often "you have to" and make sure that the child has a desire to say: "I will."
• Do not fall for provocations, even if the grown-up manipulator blackmails by leaving home or suing.
• Make your own manipulations hidden, the child should not feel that he is being manipulated by his parents, otherwise the roles will soon have to be reversed.
• Never show that you love other children in the family more than a little manipulator. Don't compare: "He behaves better than you."
• Teach your child to be kind!
• Spend more time with your child, but remember that it’s not the quantity that matters here, but the quality: even if it’s only half an hour of spending time together, they should be memorable.
• And remember that even the most capricious child should feel your love.

“I believe,” E. Shostrom expresses the opinion, “that as an analogue of mutual manipulation, which both children and parents resort to with equally variable success, it is worth developing a new philosophy of discipline.”

Being parents isn't easy. Do not forget that you and your children are in a certain way the same age: the "experience" of the parent began to be developed simultaneously with the birth of the child. Therefore, it is necessary to support each other, to understand, to “grow together”.

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