Anna Bykova: The Big Book of the Lazy Mom. Books by Anna Bykova Independent child lazy mother

How many funny and sad stories have we heard about how adult uncles and aunts are brought to a mom's interview? How do graduates go to the admissions office hand in hand with their grandmother? All these problems grow from childhood, in which parents are shaking over their children, do not sleep at night, get tired of huge amount affairs.

Anna Bykova is sure: you can do without sleepless nights, and without scandals and whims. To do this, you need to raise independent children, those who will not need the help of their parents.

How to be a lazy parent

In fact, laziness with this approach is cunning. True laziness does not smell here. Raising children who do not need constant supervision requires enormous labor costs from parents.

Mom's "laziness" at the base should have concern for children, and not indifference.
Anna Bykova

A child can become independent only because he has to. For example, if he is left to himself all the time and there is no time to take care of him. But such independence loses in terms of the level of development of consciously brought up, when parents do everything so that the child stops needing them as soon as possible.

Let's analyze the basic principles of a lazy mom.

Never do for a child what he can do for himself.

Not to do for the child what he can already do is, in fact, not to interfere. For example, at the age of one and a half, a child can cope with a spoon, and at three - get dressed, put toys away, at five - heat breakfast in the microwave, at seven - return from school and do homework on their own. Why doesn't the child do this?

Yes, because his parents do not allow this, for whom it is easier and faster to feed, clothe, collect, bring by the hand.

Children are actually smarter than they seem. And a hungry child will not refuse porridge, and a tired child will not fall asleep with a scandal. The parents' job is only to help: give porridge, read a fairy tale, suggest what the weather is like outside and what is better to wear.

How to find out what a child can

Since all children are different, the timing of development is individual. Nowhere have tables been published that indicate at what age a child can be given a knife, and at what age they can be sent to the store for bread.

When hands reach out to do something for the baby, ask yourself the question: why can't the child do it himself? It is one thing - he cannot physically, because motor skills are not developed, because he is tired, because he is sick. This is where parenting comes into play.

Another thing is that he cannot, because he does not want to, requires attention, is capricious. In this case, you need to talk, reassure, suggest, but do nothing extra.

And, finally, if the child simply does not yet know how, he must be taught.

Teach your child, don't do it for him

You need to teach the child according to the scheme “show → do it together → let it be done with a hint → let it be done by yourself”. Moreover, the points “do together” or “do with a hint” will have to be repeated far more than once.

Before my eight-month-old son began to properly slide off the high sofa, I turned him in the right direction, probably five hundred times. At the age of three, it was enough to show ten times how the mop works, and once to check that the child was enthusiastically mopping the floors. At the age of five, watching how dad works with side cutters, the child skips the “do it together” stage and uses the tool correctly.

A lazy parent is willing to spend hours and days to make the house safe and teach the child to play on his own.

But then he will enjoy the opportunity to sleep on the weekend, because the child will not rush to mom and dad immediately after getting up.

Help solve the problem, do not solve for the child

When a small person is given big tasks, it is logical to hear in response that he “can’t”. How can you cut a bowl of lettuce when there's a whole mountain of vegetables? Ordinary parents will cut themselves, lazy ones will go the other way.

They will help break down the task into smaller ones. For example, first cut only cucumbers, then only tomatoes, and then only greens remain.

Allow your child to make mistakes.

A child, mastering a new business, will make a lot of mistakes, even if the lesson seems nonsense to an adult. You have to find a button inside yourself that will turn off criticism. Of course, a three-year-old kid with a mop will not wash the floor, but only wet it.

Lazy parents will not take away a bucket of water. They will praise the child, thank for the help. In the meantime, the child is watching a cartoon, they will quietly wipe the puddles. Lazy people will not scold a child for the wrong type of tea in the store or for a jacket that is too light for the weather.

Because any mistake is an experience, and only experience can make a person independent.

Give your child a choice

For a child to be independent, he needs to choose. And choose for real, without cheating. Ask your child to choose their own clothes in which he will go for a walk. Buy cereal for breakfast. Decide how to spend the day off and which section to go to after class.

You will have to look closely at the child and trust him, be there and lend a shoulder.

It's harder than doing it all on your own. But with this approach, every day it will be easier to be parents.

Think about every "don't"

Some of the bans are necessary because we care about the safety of the child. But sometimes behind the word “no” is a concern for your own convenience. It is easier to forbid a child to pick up a watering can than to teach him to water.

A child can overturn a flower, scatter the earth, can flood a flower, and water will flow over the edge of the pot. But this is how, through actions, the child learns to coordinate movements, understand the consequences and correct mistakes.
Anna Bykova

Therefore, “no” can only be that which is unsafe. For example, eating with dirty hands or crossing the road in the wrong place.

When once again a hard “no” is ready to jump off your tongue, stop, think, answer yourself the question: “Why not?”
Anna Bykova

If it’s impossible because it’s more convenient for you, then you won’t see the happiness of a lazy parent for a long time.

Get your child interested

For a child, any process is a game. As soon as he stops playing, you can force him to do something only with threats, punishments, intimidation and other evil spirits that are better not to be dragged into family relationships.

It is desirable that the child get the experience of independence on the wave of “Wow, how interesting to try!”
Anna Bykova

When a child can do something, but does not want to, interest him. Spilled water? We take a mop to scrub the deck of your ship like a real sailor. The same game gets boring quickly, so you have to stretch your imagination and offer different options.

We cannot be perfect parents, but our task is to make sure that the child stops needing us. This is probably enough.

Specific advice and examples from pedagogical experience are in the book. Read and enjoy lazily.

Anna Bykova

Schoolchildren of the "lazy mom"

From this book you will learn:

How to choose the right school

How to deal with grades

How to do homework without tension and stress

How to deal with school bullying

How to confront the teacher if he violates the boundaries of the child's personality

ESSENTIAL BOOKS FOR PARENTS

1) Children and money. A book for parents from a country where they learned how to effectively manage finances

Want to raise successful kids? First of all, teach them how to handle money properly. Singaporean businessmen Adam Ho and Keon Chi offer effective methods education of financial literacy in children and interesting recommendations for parents. Tests in each chapter will help you make the right decisions, and a lot of useful tips will make it easier to put ideas into practice.

2) Children of the hygge country. Lessons of happiness and love from the best parents in the world

Children are loved and cared for all over the world, but it is in Denmark that they grow up confident, independent, healthy and happy. What is the secret? In this book, the famous Danish psychologist Jesper Juul tells how to properly communicate with children and maintain an atmosphere of love, mutual respect and support in the family.

3) How to make the child learn with pleasure? Japanese Answers to Unsolvable Questions

How to teach children to learn? How to explain to them that this is important and necessary? Educational economist Makiko Nakamuro has published a study that could change the lives of parents and students alike. This book provides science-based answers to the rhetorical questions that worry all moms and dads.

4) I used to have a life, and now I have children. Chronicles of imperfect motherhood

Blogger and mother of two sons Kandis Anzel does not allow domestic troubles and stereotypes to overshadow the joy of motherhood. In her book, she teaches how to be happy and the best for your children. Offers frank conversations about children, husbands and relatives, as well as helpful tips and a sea of optimism.

Introduction

Fall is parent-teacher season. I learn in kindergarten from the educators of my youngest son that now the MOST IMPORTANT thing is preparation for school. And at school I learn from the teachers of my eldest son that now the MOST IMPORTANT thing is preparation for the exam. And it doesn't matter how many more years to wait for this moment. Even the head teacher of an elementary school speaks about the exam at a meeting of parents of future first graders. Future! That is, children still have a whole year before school, and parents are already being scared by the exam. As if nothing more important could happen in eighteen years of life. As if all childhood is a period when you need to prepare for exams. As if there is no future after a badly passed exam...

Why create such tension? There are already known cases of teenage suicides associated with excitement and anxiety on exam days. Please parents, stay calm. Good mental health is more important than good grades.

In my school childhood there was a real example of a child prodigy. Phenomenal memory. Rapid assimilation of large amounts of information. Parents were proud and aspired, she was transferred from class to class ahead of schedule. She approached the final exams at the age of twelve as a contender for the gold medal. But when she passed the last exam, the girl was so worried that she had a nervous breakdown. I do not know the details, because at that time she was still small. I only know that she was treated for a long time in a psychiatric hospital, and after that she could no longer study ... I somehow came to the city of my childhood. My friends and I decided to go skiing. We went to the rental office, and there I saw this prodigy girl. That is, now the aunt is thirty years old. She worked as a cloakroom...

I remembered this sad story when I visited parent meeting at the linguistic high school. Just an informational meeting of the head teacher of an elementary school with parents who want to take their children to preparatory courses. Another year before school. But what tense faces the parents have ... Especially at the moment when the head teacher says that not everyone will enter the gymnasium, that there will be a strict selection based on the results of four control works that children will write during the year. Six-year-olds?! Control?! Yes. And according to the results of each control there will be individual interviews with parents.

I track the reaction of adults. Someone starts drumming nervously on their knees. Someone starts fiddling with the purse. Someone squeezes into the back of the chair and slides a little under the desk. Muscle memory reacted to the word "control". Mine too, I wanted to run away from the meeting immediately. That is, at first my feet turned in the direction of the door, and then I became aware of a springy bodily impulse: “I want to run away.” But I stayed. I sat and looked at the tense poses of my parents, listened to the head teacher’s instructions about “it’s necessary in fifteen minutes to have time to change the shift”, about “obligatory homework”, and I really wanted to extend my child (and myself) a carefree childhood for another year ... As a result I decided not to take Sasha to preparatory courses. It will be safer for the psyche if he meets with everything that is “strictly mandatory” a year later.

I also had an idea for a new book. Books for parents on how to survive these school years miraculous. No neurosis, no violence, no parental inferiority complex, no need to drink valerian.

The theme of the school is close to me. I know the school not only from the outside, as a parent of schoolchildren, but also from the inside, as a psychologist, who is often approached by other parents for help in solving problems. school problems, and as a teacher who has worked for many years in the public education system. By first education I am a teacher of mathematics and computer science. After graduating from high school, she came to work at a school, taught computer science at primary school. Then she taught computer science and discrete mathematics already in college, was the curator of freshmen. Over time, a psychological view of the very situation of learning at school was added to the pedagogical experience. To be honest, the psychological and pedagogical views on the problems of schoolchildren are very different. Even when raising my own children, different parts of “I” often argue in me. Internal characters: teacher, psychologist, parent. Therefore, in this book I will present not one point of view, but three points of view at once. That is, I will look at situations from the point of view of the teacher, from the point of view of the psychologist and from the point of view of the mother.

Anna Bykova

Schoolchildren of the "lazy mom"

From this book you will learn:

How to choose the right school

How to deal with grades

How to do homework without tension and stress

How to deal with school bullying

How to confront the teacher if he violates the boundaries of the child's personality

Introduction

I remembered this sad story when I visited a parent-teacher meeting at a linguistic gymnasium. Just an informational meeting of the head teacher of an elementary school with parents who want to take their children to preparatory courses. Another year before school. But what tense faces the parents have ... Especially at the moment when the head teacher says that not everyone will enter the gymnasium, that there will be a strict selection based on the results of four tests that the children will write during the year. Six-year-olds?! Control?! Yes. And according to the results of each control there will be individual interviews with parents.

I also had an idea for a new book. Books for parents on how to survive these wonderful school years. No neurosis, no violence, no parental inferiority complex, no need to drink valerian.

The theme of the school is close to me. I know the school not only from the outside, as a parent of schoolchildren, but also from the inside, as a psychologist who other parents often turn to for help with school problems, and as a teacher who has worked for many years in the public education system. By first education I am a teacher of mathematics and computer science. After graduating from high school, she came to work at a school, taught computer science at an elementary school. Then she taught computer science and discrete mathematics already in college, was the curator of freshmen. Over time, a psychological view of the very situation of learning at school was added to the pedagogical experience. To be honest, the psychological and pedagogical views on the problems of schoolchildren are very different. Even when raising my own children, different parts of “I” often argue in me. Internal characters: teacher, psychologist, parent. Therefore, in this book I will present not one point of view, but three points of view at once. That is, I will look at situations from the point of view of the teacher, from the point of view of the psychologist and from the point of view of the mother.

When a psychologist was born and grew in me, the authoritarian teacher had a hard time. He resisted, defended his attitudes, shouted about the rules and morality. But the psychologist was gaining strength, undermining the lock of beliefs, rounding the corners. Everything structured and black and white in my picture of the world (that is, in the picture that I had as a teacher), he turned into something flowing and shimmering with all colors and shades. In the end, the teacher gave up, collected the rest of the notebooks covered with the rules in a briefcase ... but did not leave, but moved forward, recognizing the psychologist as equal and having the right to vote. True, it was violet to the psychologist, which the teacher admits there. This did not affect the psychologist's self-esteem in any way.

Since then, I look at any situation either through the eyes of a teacher or a psychologist.

The teacher has everything clearly: “It’s possible, but it’s impossible”

Psychologist: “It’s also possible, but with different consequences”

The teacher calls: "Faster, higher, stronger!"

The psychologist says: "Happier!"

The teacher says: "That's right!"

The psychologist asks: “What do you want?”

Sometimes the teacher seeks to re-educate the psychologist. Sometimes he even teaches angrily, but the psychologist does not respond. In turn, the psychologist is also aware of the desire to work a little with the teacher so that he becomes more relaxed. But the psychologist does not stick out his desire, since there was no request for a consultation from the teacher ...

And I also have a parent part. Mum. She is a strange woman in general. It shrinks from anxiety, then blurs in love and tenderness, then falls into a rage, then into despair. Most often he panics and is afraid to make a mistake. How would she live, poor, without a teacher and a psychologist?

One day in August, the mother in me began to worry that the holidays were ending, and the eldest son had not yet read the books from the list that had been given out at school. It is unrealistic to read ten books in two weeks. What to do? Mom panics.

The teacher is outraged by such a disregard for the task. The teacher is indignant and thinks over the system of punishments.

And the psychologist is purple ...

The teacher is outraged that the psychologist is purple. But his indignation at the psychologist is also violet.

Mom is in a panic. Mom cannot make a decision: either to put pressure on the child, to force him to read from morning to evening, or to conduct an educational conversation every morning about the benefits of reading, and in the evening to read aloud ...

And then the inner psychologist asks mom a reasonable question: “And how many books did you yourself read over the summer?” (We only consider works fiction, professional does not count!) I honestly answer from my “mom part” that not at all. There's no point in lying internal psychologist. "Exactly!" he rejoices at the opportunity to make a comparison. Mom tries to justify herself: “I had no time! In general, I love to read. That pile of books over there on the bookshelf are books that are waiting in line. I would love to read them if I had free time.

The phrase "if I have free time" should be understood as "there are always more important things to do."

child in the village. There's a bike and friends. In his value system, this is definitely more important than reading books that he did not even choose himself.

Mom let go. The miracle didn't happen. The child has not read all the books on the list. He only read one book at all. But he submitted the reader's diary on time and in full, writing a brief summary for each work (who are the main characters, what the book is about and what he liked most) - in fact, this is what the teacher will check.

Not fair! But the inner indignant teacher had to be ashamedly silent, because the psychologist asked him: “Has there been anything like this in your life?”

...

All hardships school life The child will be able to overcome with adequate parental support.

It was. Once upon a time, after my first year at the university, I handed in a report on teaching practice at a summer camp, although in fact I spent the whole summer in a student construction team with a trowel in my hand ... And on the defense of my graduation work, I acquainted the commission with the results of tests in the study of dynamics development of the attention of schoolchildren in grades 5-7, although in fact I did not conduct tests, but simply adjusted the numbers to the result I needed ... This is how a psychologist teaches a teacher not to judge.

Preface.
It so happened that this article appeared on other people's blogs years before my own. But, I suppose, it’s also worth starting my blog with her ... Two years ago I posted a note “I - lazy mom” on one of the psychological sites in response to a debate in the forum about the infantilism of the younger generation. Six months later, I received a call from Minsk, from the editorial office of the journal Psychology and Me, and asked permission to publish it as an article. Two years passed and people began knocking on my VKontakte page asking if I was the author of an article about a lazy mother. It turns out that the article is discussed on various forums, people post it on their blogs, post it in communities, share it in contact ... And some kind of truncated version of the article is walking on the Internet. From which not everyone understands that, in fact, it is not about true laziness, but about creating conditions for the development of children's independence. About the difference between "too lazy to teach, I'll do it myself quickly" and "too lazy to do, I'd rather spend my efforts on learning." You can read more about the educational approach, in which there is no place for hyper-custody, suffocating, sacrificial parental love, but there is acceptance, responsibility and the formation of healthy boundaries of the individual, you can read in my book

An excerpt from Anna Bykova's book " independent child, or how to become a "lazy mom"

Why am I a lazy mom?

Yes, lazy. And also selfish and careless - as it may seem to some. Because I want my children to be independent, proactive and responsible. So it is necessary to provide the child with the opportunity to display these qualities.

During the period of work in kindergarten I have seen many examples of parental overprotection. I especially remember one three-year-old boy - Slavik. Anxious parents believed that he must always eat everything. And then he will lose weight. I don't know how they fed him at home, but Slavik came to kindergarten with a clear loss of appetite. He mechanically chewed and swallowed everything put on his plate. Moreover, he had to be fed, because “he still doesn’t know how to eat” (!!!) And so I feed him on the first day and observe a complete absence of emotions on his face. I bring a spoon - opens his mouth, chews, swallows ...
I must say that the cook in our garden especially often fails to make porridge. Many children this time refused to eat porridge (and I understand them perfectly). Slavik is almost finished. I ask: "Do you like porridge?" "No" - opens his mouth, chews, swallows. "Want more?" I bring the spoon. "No" - opens his mouth, chews, swallows. "If you don't like it, don't eat it!" Slavik's eyes widened in surprise. He did not know that this was possible… At first, Slavik enjoyed the right to refuse food and drank only compote. And then he began to eat with the addition of the dish he liked and calmly pushed the plate with the unloved one. He had the freedom to choose. And then we stopped spoon-feeding Slavik and he started eating by himself. Because food is a natural need. And a hungry child will eat himself.

I am a lazy mom. I was too lazy to feed my children for a long time. In a year, I handed them a spoon and sat down to eat next to them. At a year and a half they were already wielding a fork. Of course, before the habit of independent eating was formed, it was necessary to wash the table, the floor and the child himself after each meal. But this is my choice between “too lazy to teach, I’ll do it myself quickly” and “too lazy to do it myself, I’d rather spend my efforts on learning.”

Another natural need is "to relieve the need." Slavik was urinating in his pants. Slavik's mother reacted to our bewilderment with a recommendation to take the child to the toilet by the clock - every two hours. “I always put him on the pot myself at home and keep him on the pot until he does all the work.” That is, a three-year-old child was expecting that they would also take him to the toilet and persuade him, without waiting, he wet his pants, and did not even guess to change, take off these wet pants, ask for help from the teacher. If parents anticipate all the desires of the child, the child does not learn to want and ask for help ... A week later, the problem of wet pants was solved in a natural way. "I want to pee!" proudly informed the group Slavik, heading to the toilet.

In kindergarten, all children begin to eat on their own, go to the toilet on their own, dress on their own, invent something for themselves, ask for help, solve their problems. I do not urge to give their children to kindergarten as early as possible. On the contrary, I think that at home until 3-4 years old the child is better. I'm talking about reasonable parental egoism, in which the child is not strangled by overprotection and leaves him space for development.

Once a friend came to visit me with a 2-year-old child. At 21.00 she went to put him to bed. The child did not want to sleep, became stubborn, struggled, but his mother insistently kept him in bed. I tried to distract my mother from her goal: “In my opinion, he doesn’t want to sleep yet” (It’s natural, he recently came, there are children, new toys) But my friend persisted in putting him to sleep ... The confrontation continued more than an hour. As a result, her child still fell asleep. Following him, my child fell asleep. When he was tired, he crawled into his bed and fell asleep. I am a lazy mom. I'm too lazy to keep the baby in bed. I know that sooner or later he will fall asleep on his own, because sleep is a natural need.

On weekends, I like to sleep long hours. One Saturday, I woke up at about 11. My son, 2.5 years old, was sitting and watching a cartoon, chewing a gingerbread. He turned on the TV himself, he also found a DVD with the cartoon himself. He also found corn flakes and kefir. And, judging by the scattered cereal, spilled yogurt and a dirty plate in the sink, he had already had breakfast. And the eldest (he is 8 years old) is no longer at home. Yesterday he took time off with a friend and his parents to the cinema. I am a lazy mom. I said that I was too lazy to get up so early. And if he wants to go to the cinema, then let him set his own alarm and get ready. Wow, I didn’t overslept ... (In fact, I also set an alarm for myself, setting a vibrating alert as a signal, listened to how he was getting ready and closing the door, waiting for an SMS from my friend’s mother, but for the child it remained “behind the scenes”)

And I’m too lazy to check my briefcase, backpack for sambo, dry my son’s things after the pool. And I'm too lazy to do lessons with him. I'm too lazy to take out the trash, so my son throws out the trash on the way to school. And I also have the audacity to ask my son to make me tea and bring it to the computer. I suspect that every year I will become lazier ...

An amazing metamorphosis happens to children when a grandmother comes to us. And since she lives far away, she comes immediately for a week. The elder immediately forgets that he knows how to do his homework, warm up his lunch, make a sandwich, pack a bag and go to school in the morning. And even falling asleep alone is afraid. Grandma should be next to you! And our grandmother is not lazy ...

Children are dependent, infantile, if it is beneficial for adults.

psychologist Anna Bykova

My child enjoys going to kindergarten!

With the help of Anna Bykova, a talented teacher and psychologist, you will learn how to make your child's stay in kindergarten as comfortable and joyful as possible; learn to part in the morning without tears and screams and to respond correctly to lack of appetite, tantrums and unwillingness to stay with a “strange aunt”.

The happiness of the baby and his normal mental development depend on your awareness and inner readiness.

Practical experience and invaluable advice!

lazy mom

Independent child, or How to become a "lazy mom"

Modern parents are so energetic and active that they are ready to live life for their own children, without giving them the opportunity to show independence. Every step of the child is under control, the future is planned and not subject to discussion, and making a decision on your own is out of the question!

But do children need such overprotection? Anna Bykova has her own view on such an important and difficult issue.

Learn to turn off your own perfectionism and inspire your child to win!

The Big Book of the Lazy Mom

All parents want their child to become responsible, successful, reliable, able not to get lost in the future. difficult situations. And for this you need to stop patronizing him without any measure.

But how can a young mother (and, of course, a father) get rid of the desire to control every step of her child and at the same time remain calm? This is described in the first part of the book by Anna Bykova "How to become a" lazy mother "".

The second part touches on a popular topic early development. You will teach your baby easily and fun - after all, the simplest things hide many secrets.

Dedicated to parents - present and future.

Secrets of calm "lazy mom"

What to do if you, tired of work or household routine, could not hold back your emotions and broke into a child? How to turn on the self-awareness mode? Is it possible to learn to protect your feelings and emotions without going to extremes?

Find the cause of internal irritation, say “no” correctly and firmly, prevent children's hysteria and maintain life balance ...

Everything can be dealt with if you listen to the advice of an experienced psychologist and incredibly wonderful teacher Anna Bykova.

Schoolchildren of the "lazy mom"

Many parents of schoolchildren do not expect anything good from studying at school. Bad grades, angry remarks in the diary, absenteeism, unwillingness to do homework ... And this is a small part of the horrors that the vivid imagination of moms and dads draws.

But school years can be experienced without neurosis, violence, valerian, if you arm yourself with the invaluable advice of Anna Bykova, a psychologist, teacher and wonderful mother.

School is not only endless learning, but also childhood. Remember this.

Developing activities of the "lazy mom"

Did you know that every walk with a child can turn into a fantastically exciting educational activity and become a source of discoveries?

An ordinary bucket and a plastic scoop will become super educational in the hands of an adult, autumn leaves will turn into a developing resource, and you can learn to count with cats!

Share your knowledge with your child, answer questions, read books together, conduct experiments and explore this world together!

But it is extremely important to understand one’s own and other people’s emotions: such knowledge helps him understand other people and himself.

Let's introduce children to the world of feelings in games and exciting joint activities!

Blot therapy. Developing notebook from the "lazy mom"

Dear Parents! This unusual notebook for your children was developed by teacher and incredibly talented psychologist Anna Bykova.

To drip paint on a snow-white sheet and turn it in different directions, allowing the drops to flow freely and create pictures - is there anything more exciting and unusual?

You can peer into the blots and come up with what they look like, finishing the details. Such a simple and exciting activity will help your child overcome the fear of mistakes, develop fantasy and imagination, and even cheer up.