BAD ADVICE - VACCINATIONS FROM STUPIDITY.
This book is for naughty children, their parents and teachers.
Obedient children are allowed to read no more than three harmful pieces of advice a day. At the same time, it is recommended to tie an obedient child to a chair just in case. Ropes.
Otherwise, an obedient child, having heard enough bad advice, will take and do everything that is described in this terrible book.

* * *
When the parents run
And start asking
What were you thinking about when
Spitting out the window
Feeding salad vacuum cleaner
Newspapers set on fire
And pushed down from the balcony
porcelain service,
Ask your parents:
And they themselves
What were you hoping for when
One day, all of a sudden
Decided to have a boy
And they took you?

* * *
Approaching unfamiliar boys
The girl should already
To meet them to make angry faces,
Stones, sticks, fists show
And shout different threats.
Let them feel from afar
That the girl will not let herself be offended.

* * *
Candy is not food
You won't get fed up with them.
Who eats too much candy
He walks without teeth.
And their hands are sticky
And no appetite
So don't eat candy
Give them back to me.

* * *
If you don't have a dog
Behind you on a leash
Guide around the apartment
Electric iron.
So that he does not spoil the parquet
And he didn’t pour puddles on the rug.
Three times a day it's on the grass
Take out for a walk.
And so that in the evening a robber
Did not wander into the light,
Write on the door with chalk:
"Caution: evil iron."
No normal crook
Don't even stick your nose into the house
Where does he lie in wait
Meeting with a large iron.

* * *
You can colorize
Not only pictures
Color at your leisure
Himself and the cat.
Let mom and dad
Back from work
twelve differences
They will find between you.


* * *
If you during a fight
Fist hit in the forehead,
And then they came to reconcile
Offering to forget everything
Then first let them set up
forehead under your fists,
And then everything will be forgotten
When memory fades.

ADVICE FOR NAUGHTY CHILDREN.

Recently, scientists have discovered that there are naughty children in the world who do everything the other way around. They are given useful advice: "Wash in the morning" - they take and do not wash. They are told: "Hello to each other" - they immediately begin not to say hello. Scientists came up with the idea that such children should be given not useful, but bad advice. They will do the opposite, and it will turn out just right.

Who did not jump from the window
Together with my mother's umbrella,
That dashing skydiver
Doesn't count yet.
Don't fly like a bird
Above the excited crowd
Don't put him in the hospital
With a bandaged leg.

If the whole family swim
You went to the river
Don't interfere with mom and dad
Sunbathing on the beach.
Don't make a cry
Let adults rest.
without touching anyone,
Try to drown.

If a friend's birthday
invited you to my place,
You leave a gift at home -
Useful for yourself.
Try to sit next to the cake.
Don't get into conversations.
you while talking
Eat half as much sweets.
Choose smaller pieces
To swallow faster.
Don't grab the salad with your hands
You can scoop up more with a spoon.
If they suddenly give nuts,
Rash them carefully in your pocket,
But do not hide the jam there -
It will be difficult to take out.

Never stupid questions
Don't ask yourself
And not even more stupid
You will find the answer to them.
If stupid questions
Appeared in my head
Ask them immediately to adults.
Let them brainstorm.

Born a girl - be patient
Footboards and kicks.
And substitute pigtails for everyone,
Who pull them is not averse.
But sometime later
Show them the cookie
And you say: "Figures, for you
I won't get married!"

If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put on you
Your new coat
It's not worth crawling in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb the fences
hanging on nails.
So as not to spoil and not to dirty
Your new coat
We need to make it old.
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Roll on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Will be old very soon
Your new coat
Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb the fences
hanging on nails.

If you're down the hall
Ride your bike
And towards you from the bathroom
Dad went out for a walk
Don't turn into the kitchen
The kitchen has a solid refrigerator.
Brake better in dad.
Dad is soft. He will forgive.

The main business of your life
Can become any trifle.
You just have to firmly believe
There is nothing more important.
And then it won't hurt
You are neither cold nor hot,
Breathless with delight
Deal with bullshit.

Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom
Try to surrender to your mother, -
The Pope takes no prisoners.
By the way, ask your mom
Didn't she forget
Prisoners to beat with a belt on the pope
Banned by the Red Cross.

If you are the whole world of violence
Gonna destroy
And at the same time you dream of becoming
Everything without being anything
Feel free to follow us
On the paved road
We are this way for you
We may even give up.

If you come to friends
Don't say hello to anyone.
Words: "please", "thank you"
Do not tell anybody.
Turn around and ask questions
Don't answer anyone.
And then no one will say
About you, that you are a talker.

If anything happened
And no one is to blame
Don't go there otherwise
You will be guilty.
Hide somewhere on the sidelines.
And then go home.
And about seeing it
Do not tell anybody.

If you didn't buy a cake
And they didn’t take them to the cinema in the evening,
You need to be offended by your parents
And leave without a hat on a cold night.
But not just
Wander the streets
And in the dense dark
Forest to go.
There you immediately wolf
Hungry to meet
And of course quickly
He eats you.
That's when mom and dad find out
They scream, cry and run.
And rush to buy a cake,
And to the movies with you
They will take you in the evening.

There is a sure way to please adults:
In the morning, start yelling and littering,
Eavesdrop, whimper, run around the house
Kick and beg for gifts from everyone.
Be rude, cunning, tease and lie,
And in the evening suddenly stop for an hour, -
And immediately, with a touched smile stroking,
All adults will pat you on the head
And they will say that you are a wonderful boy
And there is no child nicer than you.

If you came to the Christmas tree
Claim your gift right away
Yes, look, no candy
Santa Claus did not heal.
And don't be careless
Bring home leftovers.
How dad and mom jump -
Half will be taken.

If punishment awaits you
For bad behavior
For example, for being in the bathroom
You bathed your cat
Without asking permission
Neither the cat, nor the mother,
I can suggest you a way
How to be saved from punishment.
Bang your head on the floor
Beat your chest with your hands
And sob, and shout: "Ah, why did I torture the cat!?
I deserve a terrible punishment!
My shame can only be redeemed by death!"
It won't even take half a minute.
How, crying with you,
You will be forgiven and, to console,
Run for a sweet cake.
And then calmly cat
You lead by the tail into the bath,
After all, sneaking a cat
Will never be able to.

For example, in your pocket
Turned out to be a handful of sweets
And met you
Your true friends.
Don't be afraid and don't hide
Don't run away
Don't shove all the candy
Together with candy wrappers in the mouth.
Approach them calmly
Without saying too many words
Quickly taking it out of my pocket
Give them... a hand.
Shake their hands firmly
Say goodbye slowly
And turning around the first corner,
Rush home quickly.
To eat sweets at home,
Get under the bed
Because there, of course,
You won't meet anyone.

Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white coat.
Lei gently juice on the cloak -
Get a stain.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's coat
The cloak must be put entirely
In thick cherry juice.

Take mother's cherry cloak
And a mug of milk.
Pour milk gently -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's coat
The cloak must be put entirely
In a bowl of milk.

Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white coat.
Lay carefully...

If you broke a window
Do not rush to confess.
Wait, it won't start
Suddenly civil war.
Artillery will strike
Glass will fly out everywhere
And no one will scold
For a broken window.

Never wash your hands
Neck, ears and face.
This is a stupid business
Doesn't lead to anything.
Hands get dirty again
Neck, ears and face
So why waste energy
Time to waste.
Shaving is also useless
There is no point.
To old age by itself
Bald head.

Never allow
Put yourself a thermometer
And don't swallow pills
And don't eat powders.
Let the stomach and teeth hurt
Throat, ears, head,
Don't take medicine anyway
And don't listen to the doctor.
The heart will stop beating
But for sure
They won't stick a mustard plaster on you
And they won't inject.
If you are in the hospital
And you don't want to lie there
Wait, when to your room
The chief doctor will come.
Bite it - and immediately
Your cure is over
The same evening from the hospital
They'll take you home.

If mom is in the store
I bought you only a ball
And doesn't want the rest
Everything he sees, buy,
Stand up straight, heels together
Spread your arms to the sides
open your mouth wide
And shout the letter "A"!
And when, dropping bags,
With a cry: "Citizens! Alarm!"
Buyers will rush
With sellers at the head,
The store manager is here
Creep up and tell mom: "Take everything for free,
Let him just shut up."

When your own mother
Leads to dentists
Don't expect mercy from her
Do not cry in vain.
Be silent, like a captured partisan,
And grit your teeth like that
To not be able to unclench them
Crowd of dentists.

If you stayed at home
Alone without parents
I can offer you
An interesting game
Titled "Courageous Chef"
Or The Brave Cook.
The essence of the game in preparation
All kinds of delicious food.
I suggest to start
Here is such a simple recipe:
Need in daddy's shoes
Pour out mother's perfume
And then these shoes
Apply shaving cream
And pouring them with fish oil
With black ink in half,
Throw in the soup that mama
Prepared in the morning.
And cook with the lid closed
Roughly seventy minutes.
What will you find out
When the adults arrive.

To kick out of the apartment
Various flies and mosquitoes
Gotta pull down the curtain
And spin over your head.
Pictures will fly from the walls,
Flowers from the window sill.
Tumbling TV
The chandelier will crash into the parquet.
And, escaping from the roar,
mosquitoes will scatter
And frightened flies
A flock will rush to the south.

If you decide in the morning
To behave,
Feel free to lead yourself into the closet
And dive into the darkness.
There is no mother, no father,
Only daddy's pants.
There no one will shout loudly:
"Stop! Don't you dare! Don't touch!"
It will be much easier there.
Without disturbing anyone
Be good all day long
And lead decently.

If to dad or mom
An adult aunt came
And leads some important
And a serious conversation
Necessary behind unnoticed
sneak up on her and then
Shout loudly in your ear:
- Stop! Give up! Hands up!
And when from the chair aunt
Falls down with a fright
And spill it on your dress
Tea, compote or jelly,
It must be very loud
Mom will laugh
And being proud of your child,
Dad will shake your hand.
Papa will take you by the shoulder
And lead somewhere.
It's probably there for a very long time.
Dad will praise you.

If you are invited to dinner
Proudly hide under the sofa
And lie there quietly
Not to be found right away.
And when from under the sofa
They will drag by the legs,
Break out and bite
Don't give up without a fight.
If they do get you
And they will put you at the table,
Drop the cup
Pour the soup on the floor.
Cover your mouth with your hands
Fall down from the chair.
And throw the cutlets up,
Let them stick to the ceiling.
In a month people will say
Yours sincerely:
- He looks thin and frail,
But the character is strong.

Grigory Oster

Bad advice

A book for naughty children and their parents

Recently, scientists have discovered that there are naughty children in the world who do everything the other way around. They are given useful advice: "Wash in the morning" - they take and do not wash. They are told: "Hello to each other" - they immediately begin not to say hello. Scientists came up with the idea that such children should be given not useful, but harmful advice. They will do the opposite, and it will turn out just right.

THIS BOOK IS FOR NAUGHTY CHILDREN.

lost child

Must remember that it

Take you home as soon as

He will name his address.

Gotta act smarter

Say: "I live

Near a palm tree with a monkey

On distant islands.

Lost child

If he's not stupid

Don't miss the right opportunity

AT different countries visit.

Hands never anywhere

Don't touch anything.

Don't get mixed up in anything

And don't go anywhere.

Step aside silently, Stand modestly in a corner

And stand quietly, without moving,

Until your old age.

Who did not jump from the window

Together with my mother's umbrella,

That dashing skydiver

Doesn't count yet.

Don't fly like a bird

Above the excited crowd

Don't put him in the hospital

With a bandaged leg.

If the whole family swim

You went to the river

Don't interfere with mom and dad

Sunbathing on the beach.

Don't make a cry

Let adults rest.

without touching anyone,

Try to drown.

There is nothing more pleasant to do Than to pick your nose. Everyone is terribly interested in what is hidden inside. And to whom it is disgusting to look, Let him not look. We do not climb into his nose, Let him not stick. If your mother caught you For your favorite thing,

For example, for drawing

In the hallway on the wallpaper

Explain to her what it is

Your surprise for March 8th.

The painting is called:

"Dear mommy portrait."

Don't take someone else's

Strangers are looking at you.

Let them close their eyes

Or they'll go out for a while.

And why be afraid of your own!

They won't talk about their own.

Let them look.

Grab someone else's

And take him to yours.

Never stupid questions

Don't ask yourself

And not even more stupid

You will find the answer to them.

If stupid questions

Appeared in my head

Ask them immediately to adults.

Let them brainstorm.

visit often

Theater buffet.

There are cream cakes

Bubble water.

Like firewood on plates

Chocolates are lying

And through the tube

Drink a milkshake.

Don't ask for tickets

To the balcony and to the stalls,

Let them give you tickets

To the theater cafeteria.

Leaving the theater

Take it with you

Under a trembling heart

In the stomach, a sandwich.

Born a girl - be patient

Footboards and kicks.

And substitute pigtails for everyone,

Who pull them is not averse.

But sometime later

Show them the cookie

And you say: "Figures, for you

I won't get married!"

If you and your friends are together

Have fun in the yard

And in the morning they put on you

Your new coat

It's not worth crawling in puddles

And roll on the ground

And climb the fences

hanging on nails.

So as not to spoil or stain your new coat,

We need to make it old.

This is done like this:

Get right into the puddle

Roll on the ground

And a little on the fence

Hang on nails.

Will be old very soon

Your new coat

Now you can calmly

Have fun in the yard.

You can safely crawl in puddles

And roll on the ground

And climb the fences

hanging on nails.

If you're down the hall

Ride your bike

And towards you from the bathroom

Dad went out for a walk

Don't turn into the kitchen

The kitchen has a solid refrigerator.

Brake better in dad.

Dad is soft.

He will forgive.

If you are forever rallied,

Illuminated and lead

Don't try to dodge

From movement to celebration.

Will raise to work anyway

And inspire to a feat

you great and mighty,

And our stronghold.

The main business of your life

Can become any trifle.

You just have to firmly believe

There is nothing more important.

And then it won't hurt

You are neither cold nor hot,

Breathless with delight

Deal with bullshit.

Beat the frogs with sticks.

It is very interesting.

Tear off the wings of the flies

Let them run on foot.

Train daily

And a happy day will come -

you to some kingdom

Accepted as the chief executioner.

Girls should never

Nowhere to notice.

And don't let them pass

Nowhere and never.

They need to put their feet up

Frighten from around the corner

So that they immediately understand:

You don't care about them.

I met a girl - quickly to her

Show your tongue.

Let her not think

That you are in love with her.

Starting a fight with dad

Starting a fight with mom

Try to surrender to your mother, -

The Pope takes no prisoners.

By the way, ask your mom

Didn't she forget

Prisoners to beat with a belt on the pope

Banned by the Red Cross.

If you are the whole world of violence

Gonna destroy

And at the same time you dream of becoming

Everything without being anything

Feel free to follow us

On the paved road

We are this way for you

We may even give up.

Don't settle for anything

With no one and never

And those who agree with you

Call cowardly.

For this, everyone will start you

Love and respect.

And everywhere you will have

Full of friends.

If there are cockroaches in the kitchen

Marching on the table

And satisfied with the mice

On the floor training battle

So it's time for you

Stop fighting for peace

And throw all your strength

To fight for purity.

If you are going to a friend

Tell your trouble

Grab a friend by the button

Useless - run away

And leave you as a keepsake

This button is a friend.

Better give him a trip

Throw on the floor, sit on top

And then in detail

Tell your trouble.

If you come to friends

Don't say hello to anyone.

Words: "please", "thank you"

Do not tell anybody.

Turn around and ask questions

Don't answer anyone.

And then no one will say

About you, that you are a talker.

If anything happened

And no one is to blame

Don't go there otherwise

You will be guilty.

Hide somewhere on the sidelines.

And then go home.

And about seeing it

Do not tell anybody.

If you didn't buy a cake

And they didn’t take them to the cinema in the evening,

You need to be offended by your parents

And leave without a hat on a cold night.

But not just

Wander the streets

And in the dense dark

Forest to go.

There you immediately wolf

Hungry to meet

And of course quickly

He eats you.

That's when mom and dad find out

They scream, cry and run.

And rush to buy a cake,

And to the movies with you

They will take you in the evening.

See what's going on

In every house at night.

Turning your nose to the wall

Silently adults lie.

They move their lips

In the hopeless darkness

And with closed eyes

The heel is pulled in a dream.

Don't agree to anything

Go to bed at night.

Don't let anyone

Put you to bed.

Do you want

Years of childhood

Spend under the covers

On a pillow, no pants?

There is a sure way to please adults:

In the morning, start yelling and littering,

Eavesdrop, whimper, run around the house

Kick and beg for gifts from everyone.

Be rude, cunning, tease and lie,

And in the evening suddenly stop for an hour, -

And immediately, with a touched smile stroking,

All adults will pat you on the head

And they will say that you are a wonderful boy

And there is no child nicer than you.

If you came to the Christmas tree

Claim your gift right away

Yes, look, no candy

Santa Claus did not heal.

And don't be careless

Bring home leftovers.

How dad and mom jump -

Half will be taken.

If punishment awaits you

For bad behavior

For example, for being in the bathroom

You bathed your cat

Without asking permission

Neither the cat, nor the mother,

I can suggest you a way

How to be saved from punishment.

Bang your head on the floor

Beat your chest with your hands

And sob, and shout: "Ah, why did I torture the cat!?

I deserve a terrible punishment!

My shame can only be redeemed by death!"

It won't even take half a minute.

How, crying with you,

You will be forgiven and, to console,

Run for a sweet cake.

And then calmly cat

You lead by the tail into the bath,

After all, sneaking a cat

Will never be able to.

For example, in your pocket

Turned out to be a handful of sweets

And met you

Your true friends.

Don't be afraid and don't hide

Don't run away

Don't shove all the candy

Together with candy wrappers in the mouth.

Approach them calmly

Without saying too many words

Quickly taking it out of my pocket

Give them… a hand.

Shake their hands firmly

Say goodbye slowly

And turning around the first corner,

Rush home quickly.

To eat sweets at home,

Get under the bed

Because there, of course,

You won't meet anyone.

Take thick cherry juice

And my mother's white coat.

Lei gently juice on the cloak -

A stain will appear.

Now, so that there is no stain

On my mother's coat

The cloak must be put entirely

In thick cherry juice.

Take mother's cherry cloak

And a mug of milk.

Pour milk gently -

A stain will appear.

Now, so that there is no stain

On my mother's coat

The cloak must be put entirely

In a bowl of milk.

Take thick cherry juice

And my mother's white coat.

Lay gently...

If you broke a window

Do not rush to confess.

Wait, it won't start

Suddenly civil war.

Artillery will strike

Glass will fly out everywhere

And no one will scold

For a broken window.

Beat friends without respite

Every day for half an hour

And your muscles

Becomes stronger than a brick.

And with mighty hands

You, when the enemies come

You can in difficult times

Protect your friends.

Never wash your hands

Neck, ears and face.

This is a stupid business

Doesn't lead to anything.

Hands get dirty again

Neck, ears and face

So why waste energy

Time to waste.

Shaving is also useless

There is no point.

To old age by itself

Bald head.

Never allow

Put yourself a thermometer

And don't swallow pills

And don't eat powders.

Let the stomach and teeth hurt

Throat, ears, head,

Don't take medicine anyway

And don't listen to the doctor.

The heart will stop beating

But for sure

They won't stick a mustard plaster on you

And they won't inject.

If you are in the hospital

And you don't want to lie there

Wait, when to your room

The chief doctor will come.

Bite it - and immediately

Your cure is over

The same evening from the hospital

They'll take you home.

If mom is in the store

I bought you only a ball

And doesn't want the rest

Everything he sees, buy,

Stand up straight, heels together

Spread your arms to the sides

open your mouth wide

And shout the letter "A"!

And when, dropping bags,

With a cry: “Citizens! Anxiety!"

Buyers will rush

With sellers at the head,

The store manager is here

Creep up and tell mom: "Take everything for free,

Let him just shut up."

When your own mother

Leads to dentists

Don't expect mercy from her

Do not cry in vain.

Be silent, like a captured partisan,

And grit your teeth like that

To not be able to unclench them

Crowd of dentists.

If you stayed at home

Alone without parents

I can offer you

An interesting game

Titled "Courageous Chef"

Or The Brave Cook.

The essence of the game in preparation

All kinds of delicious food.

I suggest to start

Here is such a simple recipe:

Need in daddy's shoes

Pour out mother's perfume

And then these shoes

Apply shaving cream

And pouring them with fish oil

With black ink in half,

Throw in the soup that mama

Prepared in the morning.

And cook with the lid closed

Roughly seventy minutes.

What will you find out

When the adults arrive.

If your friend is the best

Slipped and fell

Point your finger at a friend

And grab your stomach.

Let him see, lying in a puddle, -

You are not upset at all.

A true friend does not love

Grieve your friends.

If you are not firmly

Chose a path in life

And you don't know why

Start your labor path

Beat the light bulbs in the porches -

People will say thank you.

you help the people

Save electricity.

To kick out of the apartment

Various flies and mosquitoes

Gotta pull down the curtain

And spin over your head.

Pictures will fly from the walls,

Flowers from the window sill.

Tumbling TV

The chandelier will crash into the parquet.

And, escaping from the roar,

mosquitoes will scatter

And frightened flies

A flock will rush to the south.

If you decide in the morning

To behave,

Feel free to closet yourself

And dive into the darkness.

There is no mother

Only daddy's pants.

There's no one to scream

"Stop! Don't you dare!

Don't touch!"

It's much easier there

Without disturbing anyone

All day myself

decently

And lead decently.

Decided to fight - choose

The one who is weaker.

And the strong can give back

Why do you need her?

The younger the one you hit

The more cheerful the heart

Watch how he cries, screams,

And she calls her mother.

But if suddenly for the baby

Someone stepped in

Run, scream and cry loudly

And call your mom.

There is a reliable way to dad

Forever crazy.

Tell dad honestly

What were you doing yesterday.

If he is able to

Stay on your feet

Explain what to do

Tomorrow you think.

And when with a crazy look

Dad will sing songs

Call an ambulance.

Her phone number is 03.

If you walked in a hat,

And then she disappeared

Don't worry mom is home

You can lie about something.

But try to lie beautifully

To look admiringly

Hold your breath, mom

I listened to lies for a long time.

But if you lied

About the lost hat

That her in an unequal battle

Took your spy away

Try to mom

Didn't go to get angry

to foreign intelligence,

They don't understand her there.

"We must share with the younger ones!".

“We need to help the younger ones!”

Never forget

These are the rules, folks.

Repeat very quietly

Them to someone who is older than you,

To the younger ones about it

Didn't know anything.

If hands at dinner

you messed up with lettuce

And shy about the tablecloth

Wipe your fingers

Lower discreetly

They are under the table, and it's calm there

Wipe your hands

About the neighbor's pants.

If you are in your pocket

Didn't find a penny

Look in your neighbor's pocket

Obviously the money is there.

If your roommate

Became a source of infection

Hug him - and go to school

You won't come for two weeks.

To spontaneous combustion

Didn't happen in the house

Leaving the room

Take your iron with you.

Vacuum cleaner, electric stove,

TV and floor lamp

Better with light bulbs together

Take it to the next yard.

And even more reliable

Cut the wires

So that in all your area

The light went out immediately.

Here you can be sure

You almost certainly

What about spontaneous combustion

The house is secure.

Matches are the best toy

For bored kids.

Dad's tie, car passport -

Here is a small fire.

If you throw slippers

Or put a broom

You can fry a whole chair,

Boil the ear in the nightstand.

If adults are somewhere

Matches are hidden from you

Explain to them that matches

For a fire you need.

If washing the son

Mom suddenly discovers

That she washes not her son,

And someone else's daughter...

Let mom not be nervous

Well, she doesn't care.

There are no differences

Between dirty children.

When you get old - go

On the street on foot.

Don't get on the bus anyway

You have to stay there.

And now there are few fools,

To give up a place

And to those distant times

They won't be at all.

If you played football

On the wide pavement

And hitting the gate

Suddenly they heard a whistle

Do not shout: "Goal!", perhaps

This policeman whistled,

when they hit

Not at the gate, but at him.

Running away from the tram

Do not rush under the dump truck.

Wait at the traffic light

Doesn't show up yet

ambulance car -

It's full of doctors

Let them crush you.

They will heal themselves later.

If you want enemies

Win with one blow

You rockets and shells,

And no ammo.

Drop to them by parachute

(Fill out this line yourself.)

An hour later, enemies, sobbing,

They come running to surrender.

If you are the last in the council

You do not want to insert a line,

Choose any

from those offered to you.

Drop to them by parachute:

your little sister,

Dad, grandmother and mother,

Two bags of rubles and three rubles,

Headmistress of your school

The teachers' council is complete,

Engine from "Zaporozhets",

Dozens of dentists

BOY CHERNOV SASHA,

LITTLE MASHA OSTER,

Tea from the school cafeteria

The book "Bad advice" ...

An hour later, enemies, sobbing,

They come running to surrender.

If you are invited to dinner

Proudly hide under the sofa

And lie there quietly

Not to be found right away.

And when from under the sofa

They will drag by the legs,

Break out and bite

Don't give up without a fight.

If they still get

And they will put you at the table,

Drop the cup

Pour the soup on the floor.

Cover your mouth with your hands

Fall down from the chair.

And throw the cutlets up,

Let them stick to the ceiling.

In a month people will say

With respect for you: "He looks thin and dead,

But the character is strong."

If you decide first

Become in the ranks of your fellow citizens -

Never catch up

Rushing forward.

Five minutes later, cursing,

They run back

And then, leading the crowd,

You rush ahead.

If to dad or mom

Aunt adult came

And leads some important

And a serious conversation

Necessary behind unnoticed

sneak up on her and then

Shout loudly in your ear:

Stop! Give up! Hands up!"

And when from the chair aunt

Falls down with a fright

And spill it on your dress

Tea, compote or jelly,

It must be very loud

Mom will laugh

And being proud of your child,

Dad will shake your hand.

Papa will take you by the shoulder

And lead somewhere.

It's probably there for a very long time.

Dad will praise you.

Get yourself a notebook

And write down in detail

Who is who at recess

How many times have you sent

With whom is the physical education teacher

Drank kefir in the gym,

And that dad at night mom

Whispered softly in his ear.

If sharp objects

You caught the eye

Try them deeper

Stick into yourself.

This is the best way

Make sure yourself

What are dangerous items

Should be hidden from children.

Do you need an answer?

Well, keep answering.

Don't shake, don't whine, don't mumble,

Never hide your eyes.

For example, my mother asked:

"Who scattered the toys?"

Tell me it's dad

He brought his friends.

Did you fight with your younger brother?

Say he's the first

Kicked you in the neck

And swore like a bandit.

If they ask who's in the kitchen

I bitten all the cutlets,

Answer that the neighbor's cat

Or maybe the neighbor himself.

Whatever you're guilty of

Learn to answer.

For their actions each

I must boldly answer.

If you are determined

A plane to hijack to the West,

But you can't think

How to scare the pilots

Read them passages

From today's newspaper -

And they are in any country

They will fly away with you.

It's better to tease from the window,

From the eighth floor.

From the tank is also good,

When the armor is strong.

But if you want to bring

People to bitter tears

Their safest

Tease on the radio.

When a guest drops a cup,

Do not hit the guest in the forehead.

Give me another cup, let

He drinks tea calmly.

When this cup is a guest

Drop from the table

Pour tea into a glass for him

And let him drink in peace.

When all the dishes are a guest

Will kill in the apartment,

Have to pour sweet tea

By the collar to him.

If you are on the phone

Called a fool

And did not wait for an answer

Throwing the phone on the hook,

Dial quickly

From any random numbers

And whoever picks up the phone

Let me know - you're an idiot.

The address of the school where

Lucky to study

Like a multiplication table

Remember firmly, by heart,

And when will you happen

Meet the saboteur

Not wasting a minute

Give me the address of the school.

Don't be upset if

Call mom to school

Or dad. Do not be shy,

Bring the whole family.

Let uncles, aunts come

And third cousins

If you have a dog

Bring her too.

If you decided to sister

Just a joke to scare

And she is from you on the wall

Runs away barefoot

So jokes are funny

They don't reach her

And you should not put your sister

Live mice in slippers.

If you caught your sister

With grooms in the yard

Don't rush it soon

Give to mom and dad.

Let the parents first

She will be given in marriage

Then tell your husband

Everything you know about your sister.

If it's chasing you

Too many people

Ask them for details

Why are they upset?

Try to comfort everyone.

Give everyone advice

But reduce the speed

Absolutely nothing.

Don't be offended by

Who beats you with his hands,

And don't be lazy every time

to thank him

Because, sparing no effort,

He hits you with his hands

And I could take in these hands

Both stick and brick.

If a friend's birthday

invited you to my place,

You leave a gift at home -

Useful for yourself.

Try to sit next to the cake.

Don't get into conversations.

you while talking

Eat half as much sweets.

Choose smaller pieces

To swallow faster.

Do not grab the salad with your hands -

You can scoop up more with a spoon.

If they suddenly give nuts,

Rash them carefully in your pocket,

But do not hide the jam there -

It will be difficult to take out.

A book about tasty and healthy cannibal food

Never agree to listen to this book and never read it yourself. If you are nevertheless forced to read or forced to read aloud, close your eyes, plug your ears with your fingers and shout something loud, so as not to hear anything for sure. The main thing to remember is that it is not true that the cannibal eats only ill-mannered boys and girls. He likes the educated ones even more, because they are much tastier. And also, know that there is a very simple way to escape from the cannibal when he catches you. At the very last second, as soon as he opens his mouth, say in a nasty voice: “Have you washed your hands?” "No," the cannibal would say. “Here, go and wash,” you say, “and then sit down to sleep.” And when the cannibal runs to wash his hands, shout after him: “With soap, with my soap! I'll check! No self-respecting cannibal will ever return to you after that, and you can slowly get out of the plate and calmly go home for dinner.

Dear parents! You have a cookbook home caregiver. This is a terrible piece. Do not try to read it to children at night! Only in the morning! And only in the event that you still decide to lecture them in the morning, throw reproaches, stab them with reproaches, and also saw them, poke them, bug them and poke your nose at what they did until dinner. Then it's better to read them a book about the tasty and healthy food of the cannibal. In the end, sorting through different methods of education, it is not difficult to come to the conclusion: “The simplest and not funny thing that a person can do to a person is to eat him!”

ZAZNAYKA WITH A HOT NOSE

Put a very arrogant girl in a frying pan, praise several times, as soon as she lifts her nose, pour it over sunflower oil, fry well and eat, praising.

KVASHENNY GIRLS

Select dirty, disheveled crybaby girls, wash, comb and tightly stuff them into a strong wooden tub. Salt can not be poured - the girls themselves will cry a full tub of salty tears.

JERKY BOYS

Take a few boys who do not eat anything and hang them by the scruff of the neck on a hanger in the corridor. In no case do not shoot, even if they ask you to leave for a minute. After a few days, the boys will acquire a specific taste and aroma.

CURIOUS GIRLS WITH SOFT BUNS

Lock the curious girls in the oven and, while they are pushing there by the lye, make as many buns as possible. To serve the table separately, without showing any buns to the curious girls.

BROTH WITH CONFUSIONS

Put bay leaves, peppers, chopped boiled carrots in the pockets of the rasters, and plant the rasters in meat or chicken broth.

After a few minutes, everything that is put in the pockets will be lost and will begin to float in the broth. The finished dish can be served at the table.

SPED EGG YOLK CHILDREN

Spoil children to the point of impossibility, and then roll them in egg yolk, sprinkle with sugar and, without allowing them to lick each other, serve immediately.

CANNED DIRTY

Take several boys rolled in the mud, add one girl smeared with jam to them, put them all in an opaque glass jar, close the lid tightly and put in a dark place so that no one can ever see them. Canned gryazuli nicely decorate any table.

Krivlyak in his own dress

Remove sandals from the grimacing girl and lay her on a dish smeared with mustard. Sandals can be eaten later, for a snack.

CREAM SHOOTER WITH WHIPPED CREAM

Throw the boy, shouting loudly, waving his arms, into thick cream and, as soon as a lot of foam appears, carry him to the table, after plugging his ears with cotton wool.

BORSCH FROM YABED WITH BATTLEERS

Take the same number of scoundrels and fighters, put them in the same pan, pour in tomato paste, mix well and cook, often throwing beets at the snares and fighters. Instead of salt, you can add a few crybabies to the already prepared borscht.

SALAD FROM PEOPLE BOYS AND GIRLS

Three very offended boys and four even more offended girls to pour cold water, cut the onion into thin slices and pour it on the heads of all offended until they are completely offended. Ready salad can be decorated on top with a large angry girl.

STUPID BOY WITH Dumplings

First, boil dumplings over low heat, and then quickly throw them at the boy who constantly talks nonsense.

When serving a boy to the table, you can not plug your ears with cotton, but simply let everything he says pass by your ears.

SLIPPERS IN CHEESE

Release on the kitchen table a dozen slippers and one slippery, put a piece of cheese with large quantity holes. As soon as the weasels sniff out the holes and crawl into the cheese, spread butter on the bread, cover with cheese and eat.

Cunning in crackers

Soak three sly ones in milk, roll them in breadcrumbs. Throw in a frying pan and, without succumbing to any tricks, fry for an hour. Just do not forget: the better they are fried, the more cunning.

COLLUBES WITH STUPIDS

If you come across at least five stupid children at once, you can cook a delicious and nutritious meal out of them. Dip slowly in boiling water ... large cabbage leaves, and then put one stupid child in each cabbage leaf and wrap it in the form of sausages.

COLD whimpers with horseradish

Lay the whimpering girls in even rows on a dish or plate, decorate with parsley, colorful bows and lettuce leaves. Stuff green onions between them and pour all this with vinegar, adding a little grated dry horseradish there.

STUPID WITH POPPIES

Sprinkle poppy seeds on an impossibly stupid girl and promise her everything she wants. Eat happy.

GREETS IN OWN JUICE

Take a few selected greedy and give them as much delicious juice as possible. Then throw all the greedy, together with their juice, into a deep saucepan and add salt and pepper to taste.

It is better to eat greedy people swallowing them whole, because they will never part with even the smallest piece.

WARRIOR WITH SOUR GOBS

Trembling, trembling with fear, put the girl down on her stomach on the kitchen board. Waving a very sharp, huge knife in front of her nose for a long time. When goosebumps run down the girl’s back, collect them in a small saucepan with a lid, boil in lemon juice and release back. A warrior with sour goosebumps will be even tastier if you shoot behind her back from a toy pistol with caps before eating.

SHI FROM SOUR CHILDREN

Select the children with the most sour faces. Redeem at citric acid and try. Too sour immediately put out the door, and put the rest in a saucepan, pour water up to their ears and cook, cook, cook - until they are more cheerful. Good cabbage soup from sour children!

SMOOTH IN TOMATO

Shave off the arrogant boy, discourage him from rudeness and pour tomato juice into all his pockets. In this form, it is already ready and very useful.

Hot-tempered GIRLS UNDER MAYONNAISE

A dozen hot-tempered girls put in a pot with olive oil and put on the stove. As soon as they boil, immediately pour cold mayonnaise on top. A very high calorie dish.

SAUSAGE WITH SHIM

Put three shy girls on a plate next to a sausage and shame until they are browned. Here and eat.

PILAF WITH SPITTING CHILDREN

Bury spitting children as deep as possible in warm boiled rice and immediately cover with a lid. As soon as the pilaf is ready, immediately remove the lid and eat it quickly, otherwise they will dig out, spit from head to toe and spit into the soul.

BULLY IN UNIFORM WITH HOT BATTLEERS

Warm up the bully and, as soon as they get hot, throw a few bullies with bloody noses at them. Usually they first eat the bully, and then they feast on the bully, from which three or four skins must be lowered before eating.

SMALLUZE IN POT

Leave the small fry together with the pots in a large cauldron, mix thoroughly, season to taste and eat before dinner to stimulate the appetite.

UGLY BOY WITH PEPPER

Choose among the ugly boys such that it was sickening to look at him, give him pepper, pour ketchup by the collar and carry to the guests, warning that the boy can spoil by putting a pig in his place.

FLOUR DISHES FROM POCHEMUCH

You can cook many hearty and tasty dishes from why-whys, if, without answering any questions, immediately roll why-whys into the dough, having previously covered their mouths with thick butter cream.

JULIEN FROM IMAGINATION

Place very proud and self-satisfied children in small saucepans with pre-prepared gravy. Cook within an hour. After that, lift the caps and try. If they are too proud, let them eat themselves.

PET IN SYRUP AND WITH CREAM

Pour a sweet pet from head to toe with thick cherry syrup and decorate with cream roses. Eat small portions so you don't feel sick.

HUCKING BOY UNDER SAUCE

To frighten a cowardly boy greatly, put him in a large pot, pour plenty of semolina and cook for a long time, occasionally lifting the lid of the pot and slightly scaring him so that he does not stop hiccuping. When serving, again scare a lot.

SWEET IN THE MARINADE

Pickle three sweet teeth, who have eaten cakes, sweets and marmalade in the morning in a glass jar and store in a cool, dry place. AT winter time year they can serve as a good snack.

OMELET FROM YOUNG OFFENDERS

Select two dozen medium-sized crooks (the smaller, the better), squeeze a confession out of each and, having removed all suspicions from them, toss them in a frying pan until they are completely repentant. If they don't split, they will bite.

SAD CHILDREN WITH SOUR CREAM

Children who do not know what to do should be placed in a very large saucepan, pour sour cream up to their knees and left to wander around idle until evening. Eat for dinner.

SONIA WITH FILLING

Put a sleepy, yawning girl on a baking sheet and overlay a large number of large red tomatoes. Every time she yawns, stuff three pieces into her. Dormouse stuffed with tomatoes sleeps like the dead, and you can boil, fry or simmer it over low heat. Wake up before you eat.

FORSHMAK FROM HOOLIGANS

You can make a good mincemeat out of hooligans, if you set them as much heat as possible and, raising the temperature to one hundred degrees, do not let it go down for an hour. Put the hooligans brought to a boil on saucers, as soon as they cool down - forgive and eat.

RAZZYAVY stuffed with ravens and

Having opened it with gaping mouths, drive it onto a birch tree, wait for more crows to fly into their mouths, harvest the crop from the birch, clamp their mouths open with clothespins so that the crows do not scatter, and bake the stuffed crows in a big beautiful pie for the grandmother’s birthday.

QUICK FROZEN GIRLS

Treat three girls with twenty servings of ice cream at once. When eaten, give seven more servings. As soon as the girls stuffed with ice cream get cold, put on mittens and, carefully taking the tinkling girls by the legs, put them in the freezer. On a hot summer day, there is nothing more pleasant than a hard, cold girl.

COMPOTE OF SPOKEN BOYS

If your boys are completely spoiled, make compote out of them. To do this, it is necessary to properly process the spoiled boys, after removing the soul from them.

ROUGHMAN WITH MUSHROOMS

Grate the boy shouting insolence with garlic and feed him fly agarics. Eating a brute rubbed with garlic and fed with fly agaric, be prepared to hear from him many new words for you.

SCHNITZEL FROM DUR

Gather the fools together, let them speak out and immediately cook a big juicy schnitzel out of the fools who have spoken. Chew and swallow thoroughly.

STINK WITH VANILLA

Shave the boy who never washed, sprinkle with vanilla, sprinkle with cologne and swallow, holding his nose and him.

COLD CHILDREN WITH COLD

Children who refuse to wear hats should be put on ice and covered with snow. After an hour, dig, measure the temperature and pull the ears. If the temperature is below forty, and the ears have not yet fallen off, bury them in the snow again.

SMOOTH WITH WET CHICKENS

Place a rag on the bottom of the pot. Take rotten, sour, tyutya and a few wet chickens, smear it all over the walls of the pan and pour over the jelly. If it turns sour, throw it away.

SLUTS WITH CLEANERS

Put an equal number of cleans and sluts in one dish, throw in the same three bars of soap, two washcloths, ten shoe brushes and one clothes brush, pour fresh mud, wait until the cleans are cleaned and the sluts are smeared, and solemnly serve to the table.

FIDGET ON THE SPIT

Boys and girls, who do not sit still for a minute, are strung on a spit one by one and put on the coals. The spit does not turn. Fidgets themselves will turn upside down every two minutes. Remove the ready-made fidgets from the spit, put the boys and girls on different plates, calm down and eat.

SQUEEGEETS AND WEAKNESSES WITH STRONG

DRINKS

Pour a strong drink into a glass, lift a bunch of squishes by the scruff of the neck, swallow them all at once and quickly drink to their health. Eat the weak.

SMART BRAINS WITH BOILED BRAIN

It hurts to bring up smart children well, to teach algebra, physics, botany and three foreign languages. Put in a pot. If the pot does not cook, then there were no brains. Eat without brains.

A SPICY DISH OF SCRATCHING GIRLS

For this dish, both large and petty girls, but always with uncut nails. Wash the selected girls in hot brine and place them in a tub, shaking it from time to time to fit more. Taking out ready-made girls in a month, one must carefully monitor so that biting is not caught among the scratching ones.

NURNY IN TEAR BROTH

Leave crybabies who are crying in a saucepan. Add a few tablespoons of sugar. Do not pour water, do not pour salt. A few times very upset. As soon as a tear is released, cover tightly with a lid and leave to sob over low heat. After an hour drowning in tears, June can be served at the table, after filling the broth with kicking cows.

PANTS IN WEET PANTIES

Tell the shy boy very scary tale if the panties remain dry, make a face, show your teeth and, as soon as the panties are thoroughly wet and well saturated, start eating.

NOW IN CHOCOLATE

In the evening, melt the chocolate, dip the naughty head into it and leave it to dry in the draft until morning. In the morning, when the chocolate has hardened, you can top the birthday cake with a chocolate naughty figurine.

MARCHING BOYS

Build marching boys in height, give them a sniff of gunpowder, weed out the out of the ordinary, pass the rest through a meat grinder. Do not let go back. Sprinkle the finished mass with toy guns, drumsticks and make one big cutlet out of the marching boys.

BATTLE BOYS

To pluck a few freshly hatched boys and gut nails, slingshots and caps out of their pockets. Dump in flour, sprinkle with salt on top, butter on the bottom, fry and eat as soon as possible before they do something again.

GIRL BOYS WITH SOFT FINGERS

Pour several pampered languid boys into one saucepan, dilute with sweet water, dilute with fragrant shampoo and hand cream, dissolve two handkerchiefs and four lace collars in the resulting slurry. After two hours, strain through cheesecloth and drink in small sips.

TURNED PRESCHOOL CHILDREN

If you want to save your preschool supplies until spring, melt them all down. Then put each preschooler in a separate, preheated jar, chop a few picture books into each jar so that the preschooler does not get bored and, tightly covered with a lid, lower it into a cold cellar.

CONFUSION IN PASTA

Boil a full pot of pasta, drain the water and put the pasta in a deep plate. Launch a child who has confused his parents' head there. Wait until he finally gets confused, gets lost and gets tangled in pasta. As soon as he completely stops floundering and gets stuck forever, put him on the right path, add a piece of butter and eat.

FORGETTING CHILDREN WITH CHICKEN MEMORY

Take as many children with holes in their heads as possible and stuff their heads with exceptions to the rules. Pinch the chicken memory, gut it, tell the children to keep an eye on it and put it into the pressure cooker with them. As soon as the exceptions fly out of the children's heads, and the chicken memory is lost sight of them, start eating.

Jerky fools with felt boots full of beer

String stupid boys on a string and hang them on the balcony. Buy ten bottles of beer and a pair of boots. Uncork bottles and pour beer into felt boots. While drinking beer from a felt boot on the balcony, pull off the dried fools from the rope and seize them with beer.

MYAMLYA WITH PORRIDGE IN THE MOUTH

A child who does not want to pronounce a single letter should be seated at the table and filled to the ears with porridge. Put the unfitted porridge on the ears, in sandals and in the bosom. Fry well and serve with a salad of vigorous, fresh balabolok.

PANCAKES WITH SLIPPER BOYS

Pick up the boys who were lying in the mud, smear them with goose fat and wrap each boy in a separate pancake. If any boy slips out of a pancake onto the floor, do not pick it up, but take another one like it. If there aren't enough pancakes, throw the extra boys back into the dirt.

VINAIGRETE FROM RAW CHILDREN

Take the kids out of their beds in the morning. Select raw, put in a deep plate and cover them with sheets. Top with sunflower oil and serve for breakfast.

EVIL CHILD IN THE TEST

A fierce, rushing child to soften a little, butter it up, stick it around with dough, place it in the oven and slowly bring it to a white heat. Remove from the oven, soften again and piss again on a plate.

DISINTEGRAL GIRLS

Dissolve in a pan butter and release completely licentious girls on her. After they run around the pan for about twenty minutes, they * can be served at the table, after finely chopping ... a lemon peel and sprinkling it on the girls' heads.

PIES WITH STICKS AND STICKS

Pies with such a filling need to be molded strong and durable enough, otherwise the pesters with sticky sticks will get out and never get rid of you. In extreme cases, sprinkle them with pepper and smear them in mustard - maybe they will fall behind.

AZU FROM EGOZY

Stop the fidgety third grader, spinning top, cut her shoes into thin slices and throw with her into the gurgling gravy.

When serving, make sure that she, jumping on a plate through a string, does not splash your guests with hot gravy.

PUSHING BIGGER, WITH A GOOSE CARCASS

To lie in wait for a large, healthy seventh grader in the school cafeteria. As soon as he pushes the kids and makes his way forward, grab it across the body and put it in the cast-iron goose along with the goose. Let both carcasses stew well, and most importantly, make sure that they do not push each other out of the goose.

SWEET BOY WITH SWEET PEPPERS

Take a child who does not agree with anything and, without listening to his objections, place it in a cauldron of sweet peppers. Extinguish for an hour, ignoring angry protests and indignant exclamations. Dump on a plate with peppers and, without entering into disputes, silently eat.

HATED ANTERIOR IN HOT LIVER

Buy fresh beef livers on the market and bake them for boredom, after wrapping it in wadded blanket so that he (hateful) does not cool the hot livers. Eat carefully, if it gets across the throat - push through.

PEA SCARECROW WITH DILL

A child who has put on his pants back to front, pulled his shirt upside down and confused the left shoe with the right one, put it in this form on a dish and cover it with finely chopped dill. This will improve the taste and appearance dishes and, in addition, enrich it with vitamins.

BERRY JAM WITH CRACKS

Instead of throwing bad girls in the trash, make berry jam out of them. Having separated those that can still improve, put the rest in bowls with crumpled, crushed and wormy berries, sprinkle generously with powdered sugar and cook until the worms from the berries climb onto the girls. Cool the finished jam and eat it if you don't feel sick.

A DECOAT FROM THORKY ZLYUKA

Free the stomping feet and every minute snarling evil from the thorns, sand and cook until blue in the face. The resulting broth is poured onto the floor. Wipe the floor with a rag. Squeeze the rag into the jar. Close the jar tightly with a lid and hide from other children.

GARDEN GULENS WITH WILD GROWING GULENS

Wild-growing revelers most often grow in nondescript, dirty and small bunches, while garden gulens, as a rule, ripen in large pairs and have a delicate skin with a strong, tart smell. It is best to collect both on a warm summer evening. Store in wicker baskets separately from each other so as not to spoil. Before use, wash, put in a circle on a spacious dish, forbid singing stupid songs with a guitar and serve after dinner as a dessert.

SCHOOLGIRL DELIGHTENED WITH SELF

Put the girl, admiring her appearance, in front of a mirror, let her look at herself to self-forgetfulness, shower with large bows and small buttons, delight and serve with tea.

GRUMBLING WITH A CRISPY CRUST

Continuously grumbling, dissatisfied with everything and everyone, first boil the child, and then fry on both sides until a crisp appears. If he doesn’t like it either, spank him right on the frying pan, lower him to the floor and drive him home.

PRETEL FROM SHOULDER LENGTHS

Bend the stooping overgrowth into an arc, fold it in half, tie it with a bow, cover it with cotton candy on all sides and surround it with care, taking care of and baking every day from morning until you get a passport. Eat along with the passport.

BOY SCREECHING ROASTED

A squealing, screaming, kicking, kicking and rolling boy on the floor is easy to fry and eat without further ado.

Dreamers without candy wrappers

Boys with a violent imagination are wrapped in candy wrappers and thrown into a box from under a large cake. As soon as the box is full, put it in the cupboard. When you want something special, take out one at a time and demand that they turn around and go into the mouth themselves.

STEAMED TOMBERS, WITH SOUR CARROADS

Hang tomboys on strings over a boiling cauldron. Catch those who escaped with a net and hang them up again. After fifteen minutes, remove the first pair of steamed tomboys from the strings and put them on a dish along with the apples that attacked from the branches. Put the rest of the tomboys on a dish as soon as they are steamed. Put a dish with carrion and tomboys in the center of the table and invite guests.

"Bad advice" for raising preschool children

1. After playing with the child, put it back - where you took it from.

2. Remember that children never spit on a dirty floor - so clean it as little as possible.

3. If you need to achieve something - you have 3 ways to do it: hire someone, do it yourself or forbid your child to do it.

4. Children will help you learn a lot about yourself - for example, how much patience do you have?

5. If you are too lazy to play hide and seek with your child, do not lie to him, hiding behind work employment. It is better to combine business with pleasure - "hide" on a business trip for a week, and let the child look for you!

6. Remember that children often have inferiority complexes. Therefore, you, as a responsible parent, are simply obliged to warn this: do not show either your mental or physical superiority over the child, during a serious conversation with him, drool, squint your eyes, stick out your tongue.

7. If you live at home Small child- always look into the oven before turning it on.

8. There is a way to take revenge on your children for years of parental hard labor - for example, to live as long as possible!

9. If you do not know what a child is - remember: this is noise covered with dirt.

10. If your son has climbed a tree and cannot get down, do not shake the tree and do not try to knock the child down with a stick. Autumn will come, it will ripen - and will fall by itself.

11. Does your child disobey you? There can be many reasons for this: he does not hear you, does not understand, you explain too indistinctly. But against all these reasons there is one sure remedy: on the priest, on the priest and again on the priest!

12. If your child is not eating well - there is a proven way to feed him with maximum benefit for yourself. For example, take food out of a plate - and scatter it on the floor in his room. After that, run a child there - he will start dragging everything from the floor into his mouth - and he will eat himself, and save you from having to wash the dishes.

13. If you understand that you have nothing more to say to the child, send him to wash.

14. If your child cries for a long time and does not calm down - try to stop beating him - he will instantly calm down.

15. If a child has puzzled you with his question - immediately put him in a corner.

16. Yes the right way block the child's access to a jar of jam. Close the jam with a key - and put the key in the soap dish.

17. If you want your child to hear you - talk quietly in his presence ... with someone else!

18. Fathers, never raise your hand to your child - this is how you leave your groin unprotected!

19. If your child is constantly pouting at everyone - buy him a trumpet, trombone or saxophone - he has a talent!

20. And finally perfect recipe preparing the child for sleep. Take a young child (about 15 kg), wash him thoroughly in warm water. After that, dry it with a towel, wrap a clean baby in pajamas and lightly press it against your chest. After that, strain the fairy tale through your teeth (no more than 5 minutes), slowly rocking the child. After 5 minutes, place the child in a prepared container, preferably a bed.

"Bad advice" for raising schoolchildren

1. Remember: if your child has disgusting handwriting, this is a sign that he needs to be trained as a doctor.

2. As soon as your child goes to first grade, throw away all his toys - he has already grown up, and nothing should distract him from his studies.

3. Your child should not have free time - load it to capacity, write it down in all sorts of sections so that it does not relax.

4. If a child suddenly starts stealing money from you, and you suspect it - do not injure his psyche, do not yell at him and do not swear. Have a fun and easy search in his room, and then, having discovered the stolen, play with the whole family in execution or a public trial.

5. When your child goes to school - iron discipline should become the main element of his life. Regardless of whether he loses his taste for life.

6. Praise the child - the last thing! After all, he can be proud. And he doesn’t need to raise his self-esteem - it’s such a small thing!

7. To understand the motives of your child's behavior - try to do the same as he does: for example, secretly smoke or break a couple of windows with a slingshot.

8. Force your child to rewrite the entire text, even because of the slightest mistake - there is no way to love writing better than rewriting.

9. If your son brings a deuce from school, do not beat him or scold him. Where better to take a belt, come to school and unfasten ... a teacher!

10. And so that the child does not bring deuces from school and tries harder, be sure to set other children as an example to him. After all, envy is a very important feeling, much more important than self-confidence.

11. And in order for the child to study better at school, be sure to worry in front of him and express your dissatisfaction with teachers, scare him with terrible stories about the school and the relationship between the teacher and the students. Sometimes you can even invent something - it's even more effective!

12. Don't you dare go to parent meetings or just to chat with the teacher. After all, parent meetings are an empty pumping of money, and in a conversation the teacher will not tell you anything new anyway. You will not believe that your sweet child can behave not at all as cute as you are used to? It would be nice to explain the reasons for your "non-attendance" to school with a wide variety of verbal epithets, ranging from the mental abilities of a teacher to the intellect of the child's father. And, of course, do all this in the presence of your first grader!

13. If your grown up child is begging you to buy him a bicycle, do his request. After all, children grow up quickly - and soon you will get the bike anyway.

14. If your child is naughty in the morning and does not want to have breakfast, force feed him. It doesn't matter that the day starts with tears and bad mood- but the child will not go hungry to school.

15. If you want to help your child with homework, do it for him. It does not matter that he will not learn anything - but everything will be done quickly and without problems.

16. So that your child quickly gathers and does not forget anything - collect a portfolio for him yourself. And dress it up yourself. After all, independence in the future will only hinder him and lead him astray from the “true path”.

17. The best rest after school for a child is a computer and TV. And you are calm, and the child goes about his business and does not bully you. And walking with him after school is so exhausting!

18. In general, the child does not need to rest after school - it is better to do homework right away, while everything is fresh in memory.

19. The child should go to bed on his own and, of course, without any bedtime stories: he is already big, and reading bedtime stories is just your bad habit.

20. And, finally, if you suddenly notice that your child smokes, do not rush to punish him. Maybe he's already an adult?

Of course, all this "bad advice" is a joke. But, as you know, "in every joke ...". If you recognized your actions in relation to your child in any of these tips, reconsider them so that from now on such tips are used only to laugh, and not in the real upbringing of children. Laugh for health - after all, laughter prolongs life!

Often mom promises
Doesn't execute
But don't be upset
Get offended and grumble.
If you have to perform
Mom everything that I promised
That, I'm afraid, a living place
You won't find it on the butt.

If you don't know arithmetic,
Your parents can deceive you.
They will say: "Eat, son, four spoons," -
And slip eight and a half.
This is the reason why many
Strong, well-fed boys
Since childhood, they hate arithmetic.

If mother does not immediately
recognizes you,
Look who
You look like today
And remember him
If you meet in the forest
Not even close
Approach these.

If adults are sitting at the table
And they eat strawberry jam with cake,
And you were asked to go to sleep
And no one stood up for you
Tell me goodbye, like in the yard
You found a shabby dead cat.
Yes, this cat will not save you from sleep,
But it will spoil their appetite a little.

Be polite to your friends' moms.
Hello entering.
Don't say angry words.
Do not argue over trifles.
Stomp your feet and scream
On strangers' mothers is impossible,
After all, each of us has
For this own.

If your mother took you to work,
So that you do not stay in the apartment alone,
Try to behave in such a way that
goodbye chief boss said:
"I'm like children
Never took it off.
Of course you can't
Walk to work.
To you, with such a child,
Gotta stay at home
And hold his hands
I tied my legs."

From smoking you can mom
Learn in just a day
If in the morning cigarettes
Dip in a chamber pot.

If grandma is tired
And sat down to rest
Rumble over her loudly
A couple of pot lids.
dozing old woman
It is necessary to cheer up in time -
Immediately wakes up in the grandmother
Lots of new fresh energy.

If you are afraid at night
Stay in the dark
Take your matches with you
Before going to bed.
Set fire to the mattress, pillow
Blanket, sheet -
And you won't be scared
It will become light in the room.

If in old age
Will you ever die
And stand before God
Tell him about
How did your mother drag you
Early in the morning at Kindergarten…
And you for these torments
All your sins will be forgiven.

Take your walks
Go to another area
Because if at home
You will make them
Shocked Neighbors
They can take an example from you
And then in your block
It will be impossible to live.

If the girl has a note
Send in Russian
And, having missed, you get,
Suddenly the teacher in the forehead,
They can force you
Right in the classroom, at the blackboard,
Show everyone your way
"Kissing" through Y.

If you fell deeply in love
Beware of unhappy love.
Why is it necessary to fall in love
Certainly in one?
It's better to fall in love with several -
Immediately more likely
What one of them will appreciate
Your heart is true.

If asked in class
Where is the homework
Answer what's wild
And went into the dense forest.

Don't wear coats and jackets
Don't wear socks
Run out in frost and slush
Light from home.
Go without a hat, but shorts
Always take with you
So that if you suddenly catch a cold, you could
You blow your nose in them.

Before getting on the bus
Bandage your leg every time
And then the old woman's place
You don't have to give in.

If with dirty nails
Walk for two weeks
That under every dirty fingernail
A terrible poison will start.
And when during a fight
Scratch the enemy
Silently he is in terrible torment
He will die before your eyes.

For example, you are undressed
And they want to lather
Wait, don't break out
Don't try to sneak out.
Substitute your stomach and legs,
Let them soap up to the ears.
The more poignant you become
The faster you slip away.

More often in the evening for dinner
Eat juicy watermelons
Washing them down with fizzy
carbonated water,
And then you constantly
Well almost every night
There will be a pleasant dream
About a babbling brook.

If dad's shirt
You decided to stroke
And a little shirt
You got burned
Can be done with scissors
From an unwanted shirt
cook for dad
Handkerchiefs.

If you are going to throw out
Something out of my head
Look first, don't you
Small children nearby.

If for your ears
Brought home by neighbors
To show mom
What did you throw at the windows to them,
Say it's all
Dropped out of their apartment
And throwing you wanted
Honestly give them back the loss.

Maybe little brother
Beat with a scoop on the brain,
But then don't be surprised
That he won't understand you
If in fifteen years
Or say twenty years
Kindly ask your brother
Lend you a lemon.

If your flaws
Everybody's eyeballs
So you haven't learned
To behave.
you about your behavior
It's time to think.
Everyone in a row to catch the eye
And you can't scratch.
No, well-behaved child
Doesn't catch the eye.
He behaves more modestly -
Pinch and run away.

Leaving friends,
Don't forget to say goodbye...
If they don't forgive,
You can shrug.
Well, think of the sofa
I doused them with ketchup,
You ketchup is not in the sofa -
They poured it on their plate.
Well, a little bit on the carpet
Eggplants are crushed
Is it a carpet
Them more valuable than a person?
And jam on the wall
You didn't draw pictures
To them in memory you are yours
Only the name was written.
Here are the salads from the table
You really pushed.
But it's not from evil,
And inadvertently - elbows.
TV break them
Of course you didn't want
He was with them anyway
Not particularly good.
And on the mirror with a ball
You never hit
With a long crack
It was from the very beginning.
And footprints on the ceiling
You left nowhere
You are your shoe
Threw it up a bit.
And a computer mouse
You didn't give a kitten
Just let me play
Not for long and with a return.
And a telephone from the balcony
They didn't throw at passers-by.
He fell into the street
Because it was hard.
And nobody kicks in the cake
Wasn't going to step
You just needed
Remove from the chandelier balloon.
Who thought that she
Caught so tight...
I had to strengthen
So she wouldn't fall
On firefighters when those
Suddenly they came running through the window,
To put out the hanger
Near the door in the hallway.
There's a coat on a hanger
You did not set fire to anyone,
Just like that, for beauty,
Candles were put into pockets.
In the toilet with a hammer
You didn't break the tank.
It wasn't a hammer
And a bottle with something blue.
She is very slippery
Somehow it turned out.
That's why their toilet bowl broke.
And to those touchy
And vindictive acquaintances
You yourself never
Don't visit anymore.