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Mark Manson: Most people stop working on themselves by the age of 30

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Nobody knows where it will come. Deal with it

American writer, blogger and entrepreneur Mark Manson asked his blog followers aged 37 and over what advice they would give to themselves in their 30s. Reader reactions have been breathtaking, writes Manson. He received 600 answers, of which a separate one was compiled.

1. Start saving money for retirement now now

The most common piece of advice—almost all of the emails mentioned this—is to get your finances in order and start saving money for retirement today.

2. Start taking care of your health now now

We all know that we need to take care of our health. Need to eat better, sleep better, do more exercise and so on. But, as with retirement savings, the message from older people was unequivocal: get healthy and stay healthy already. now.

3. Don't spend time with people who treat you badly

“Learn to say no to people, activities, and commitments that have no value to you,” writes 37-year-old Hayley. Leaving the topic of savings and health, people most often wrote that, having returned to the past, they would set clearer boundaries in their lives and devote their time to people important to them.

4. Be kind to those you care about

At the same time, many readers, the blogger notes, are advised not only to set stricter limits on who to let into your life, but also to find time for friends and loved ones who are really dear to you.

5. It's impossible to have everything. Focus on doing a few things really well

“Everything in life is built on compromises. You give up one thing to get another - you can't get everything. Accept it," Eldrie, 60, wrote.

6. Don't be afraid to take risks. You can still change everything

Many have written that society dictates that by the age of 30 we “decide” on key areas of life - career, personal relationships / marriage, financial situation, etc. But this is not so. In fact, dozens and dozens of readers have been pleading not to let public expectations stop you from taking the risk and starting over.

7. You must grow and develop

“You have two assets that you can’t get back if you lose them: your body and your mind. Most people stop growing and working on themselves by the age of 30. Most people over 30 are too busy to worry about self-development. But if you are one of those few who continue to self-educate, develop their thinking and take care of their mental and physical health, you will be light-years ahead of the standard 40-year package,” writes 40-year-old Sten.

8. No one knows where it will come (still) - get used to it

“In an article about what I understood by the age of 30, one of my conclusions was this: no one knows what he will come to,” the author writes. - Based on the answers of people who are 40 years old and over, this remains true even after 30. It looks like it will be like this for the rest of your life. And this is good". “Most of what seems important to you now, in 10 or 20 years will seem unimportant, and that’s okay. It's called growth. Just try not to forget about it and don't take it too seriously. Also, be open,” writes Simon, 57.

9. Invest in your family - it's worth it

The author notes that he was amazed at the number of letters about the family and the strength of these answers. Almost everyone agreed that you need to overcome problems with your parents, and learn to get along with them. One reader wrote: “You are already too old to blame your parents for any of your shortcomings. At 30, you are already an adult. Seriously. Move on."

Many have written about children. “You don't have time. You don't have money. You must first make a career. Children will completely change your life. Oh, shut up... Kids are great," Kevin, 38, wrote. “The right time for kids will never come because you have no idea what you're going through until you have one,” says 45-year-old Cindy.

10. Be kind to yourself

This was rarely the main message of the letters, but in one form or another this appeal was found in almost all readers' responses: be kind to yourself. “No one in the world thinks or cares about your life the way you do,” one reader began, so “learn to love yourself today, because it will be harder to learn later,” finished another.

More than 600 people responded to the request, many of whom sent detailed answers to several sheets. Analyzing them, Mark, not without surprise, found that some advice is heard over and over again from the most different people and in one form or another occur hundreds of times. Apparently, it is these few thoughts that describe as accurately as possible what happens to a person who has exchanged his fourth decade.

Below are ten of the most common tips from the 600 letters sent to Mark, mostly in the form of direct quotes. Some indicated their age and name, some wished to remain anonymous.

1. Start saving for old age now, without delay.

I lived until my 30s thinking of nothing, but after 30 you have to make a big financial leap. Retirement savings should not be shelved. It is necessary to learn to understand how such things as insurance, pension program and mortgage, because now this burden lies on your shoulders.

Cash, 41

Most main advice, which was present in literally every letter sent: immediately start building your own in order to start saving for old age.

To do this, readers suggested taking the following actions:

1. Make it your main task to pay off all debts and loans as soon as possible.
2. Create a personal financial "stabilization fund". Thousands of people were left without a livelihood due to health problems, lawsuits, divorces, business problems and so on.
3. Spend part of every paycheck on a fast loan repayment or save it in a savings account.
4. Avoid frivolous purchases. Do not buy a home until you can secure the most affordable loan or mortgage terms for you.
5. Don't invest in what you don't understand. Do not trust stock brokers.

One reader wrote: “If your debts exceed 10% of your salary for the year, this should serve as a serious warning to you. Stop it, pay off your debts, start saving." Another: “I would like to save more money for a rainy day, because unexpected expenses literally killed my budget. And I would like to pay more attention to my pension savings, because today they are very small for me.”

Some have happened big problems in life because of their inability to save after thirty. A reader named Jody wished she had started saving 10% of every paycheck when she was 30. Her career eventually went downhill, and at 57, she still lives paycheck to paycheck.

Another 62-year-old woman also did not make personal savings, because her husband earned more than her. Subsequently, they divorced, and all the money received after the divorce, she was forced to spend on solving sudden health problems. She, too, is still living paycheck to paycheck with the prospect of ending her days in a nursing home. Another reader said that he was forced to live on his son's money, as he unexpectedly lost his job during the 2008 crisis, having no savings in the account.

They all agree on one thing: start saving money as early as possible and as much as possible. The story of a woman who, in her 30s, with two sons, worked in a low-skilled job and still managed to save money for a retirement account, is indicative. Because she started investing her savings early enough and successfully, at the age of 50 she achieved financial stability for the first time in her life. Her words: “You can achieve anything. You just have to do it."

2. Start taking care of your health now, without delay

Your mind thinks it is 10-15 years younger than the actual age of your body. Your health will go away faster than you think, and you won't even notice it.

Tom, 55

We all know how to take care of our own health. We know how to eat right, exercise, and so on down the list. But, as in the case of pension savings, the opinion of the elders is always unanimous: become healthy and remain so in old age. Almost everyone who took part in the survey said this, saying about the same thing: what you do with your body has a cumulative effect. Your body does not suddenly break down one day, it gradually breaks down unnoticed over the years. Over the next 10 years, you should slow down this destruction.

We are not talking about the banal advice "eat more vegetables." Cancer patients, heart attack and stroke survivors, diabetics and hypertension, people with sore joints and chronic pain - they all say the same thing:

“If I could go back and start over, I would start eating healthy and exercising non-stop. Then I found excuses for myself, but did not imagine the consequences.

3. Don't associate with people who treat you badly.

Learn to say no to people, actions, and commitments that have no value in your life.

Hailey, 37

After calls to take care of your physical and financial health, the most frequent advice from those who have already lived the fourth decade was quite interesting: they would love to go back in time and put stronger restrictions on their personal lives in order to spend more time with good people.

What exactly did they mean?

Jane, 52: “Don't tolerate people who don't treat you well. Dot. Don't tolerate them for financial gain. Don't tolerate them for emotional reasons. Do not tolerate them for the good of your children or your own.”

Keep mediocre people out of friends, work, love, relationships, and life.

Sean, 43

Usually, people overcome their own limitations because they find it difficult to hurt other people's feelings, or they fall into the trap of wanting to change the other person, like them, or make them feel better about themselves. It never works. In fact, it even makes things worse. One reader wisely remarked: “Egoism and self-interest are two different things. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind."

At 20s, the world seems open, full of opportunity, and their lack of experience makes them cling to people even if they don't deserve it. But thirty-year-olds have already learned that a good relationship arise with great difficulty that there will always be enough people in the world to be friends with, so there is no reason to waste our time on those who will not support us on our life path.

4. Be nice to those you care about.

Rebecca, 40: “Tragedies happen in everyone's life, in the circle of family and friends of everyone. Be the person you can count on in times like these. I think the gap between thirty and forty years is a decade when a lot of shit starts happening to you and your loved ones that you might not even think about. Parents die, your spouse dies or cheats, kids keep being born, friends get divorced... the list is endless. You probably have no idea how much you can help a person at such a time, just by being with him, listening, without judging.

Accordingly, calling for strengthening personal boundaries in front of those whom we do not want to let into our lives, many readers advise spending more time with those friends and family members who are really close to you.

5. Focus on what you're really good at.

Everything in life is built on compromises. You sacrifice one thing to get another, and you cannot get both together. Accept it.

Eldrie, 60

Twenties are full of dreams. They believe they have all the time in the world. I myself, in my twenties, had many illusions about my site - that it would become just one activity out of many. How could I have known that I would have to spend most of the next ten years becoming quite competent in this area? And now that I have acquired the necessary competencies, I have huge advantages, I love what I do, so why would I give it all up for something else?

In a word: focus. You can achieve more in life if you focus on doing one thing very, very well.

Erickson, 49

Another reader: “I would advise my past self to focus on one or two goals/dreams and work hard towards them. Do not be distructed". And one more: “You have to accept that you can’t do everything. To achieve anything in life, you have to sacrifice a lot.”

Some readers have pointed out that most people choose their careers at the turn of their twenties, and like so many choices made, this one often turns out to be the wrong one. It takes years to find what we are really good at and enjoy. But it's better to focus on your core strengths year after year than to be half-successful at something else.

I would tell my 30 year old self to put aside what other people think and identify my natural strengths, my passion, and then build my life around that.

Sarah, 58 years old

For some people, it will cost them big risks even in their thirties. This may mean the destruction of a career that has already spent ten years of their lives building, the loss of the level of income for which they worked and to which they have become accustomed. Which brings us to the point...

6. Don't be afraid to take risks, you can still change.

Richard, 41: “While by the age of 30 most people think they should stick to their chosen path, it's never too late to start over. Over the past ten years, I have seen people most regret their decision to leave everything as it is, even though they considered it wrong. These are such quick ten years of life that turn days into weeks, weeks into years. And at forty, they found themselves in the midst of a midlife crisis, doing absolutely nothing to solve a problem that they were aware of ten years ago.

My biggest regret is that I didn't.

Sam, 47

Many have noticed that society requires us to "decide" by the age of thirty - with a career, marital status, financial situation, and so on. But this is not true. In fact, dozens of messages sent in were literally begging you not to let social expectations of an "adult" stop you from taking risks and starting over.

I'll be forty-one soon, and I'd say to my thirty-year-old self: You don't have to adjust your life to ideals you don't believe in. Live your life, don't let anyone control it. Don't be afraid to put it all on the line, you have the power to create it all over again.

Lisa, 41

Many readers were united by the decision to change careers in their thirties and the improvement in their lives that followed. One of them quit a highly paid job as a military engineer and became a teacher. Twenty years later, he calls it the best decision of his life.

When I asked my mother a question, I got the answer: “I wish I could think more outside the box. Your father and I made up something like a plan to do one thing, then another, then a third, but looking back, I realize we shouldn't have done it at all. We judged our lives too narrowly, and I regret it a little."

Aida, 49: “Less fear. Less fear. Less fear. I'll be fifty next year, and I've only just learned this lesson. At thirty, fear was the poisonous driving force of my life. It had an incredibly negative effect on my marriage, my career, my self-esteem. I plead guilty to worrying about what people say about me. I thought that I might fail. Worried about the consequences. If I could live this time again, I would take more risks.”

7. You must continue to grow and develop

Stan, 48: “You have two assets that you cannot replace: your body and your mind. Most stop developing and working on themselves after twenty. Most thirty year olds are too busy to worry about. But if you are one of the few who continue to learn, develop your mindset, and take care of your mental and physical health, by the age of forty you will be light years ahead of your peers.

If someone can change at thirty, then he must work on himself in order to become better. Many readers have noted that the decision to sit down again at the age of thirty is one of the most useful action which they did. Some signed up for courses and seminars. Some started their business for the first time or moved to another country. Someone began to visit a psychologist or began to practice.

Your number one goal should be to become the best person, partner, parent, friend, colleague - in other words, grow as a person.

Emilia, 39 years old

8. Nobody understands what he is doing. Get used to it

Thomas, 56: “If you haven't already died - mentally, emotionally or socially - you can't predict your life five years ahead. It won't go the way you expect. So stop believing that you can plan ahead, stop worrying about what's happening now because everything will change anyway, and overcome the desire to control the direction of your life. You can take a lot of chances and lose nothing - you can't lose what you never had. In addition, your sense of loss is the product of your reflections, which will weaken over time.

One of the lessons I learned in my 20s was that no one really knows what they're doing. Judging by letters from forty-year-olds, this rule continues to work in more late age- in fact, it works forever.

Most of what you consider important now will look completely unimportant in ten or twenty years, and there is nothing wrong with that. This is called "development". Just try not to take yourself too seriously all the time.

Simon, 57

Prue, 38: “Despite the sense of invulnerability that has accompanied you this decade, you don't know what's going to happen. And nobody knows. While this worries those who cling to permanence and security, it is liberating once you realize the simple truth that everything is constantly changing. In the end, truly mournful times may come. Don't silence the pain and don't avoid it. Sadness happens in everyone's life, it is a consequence of an open and passionate soul. Appreciate it. Above all, be kind to yourself and others, because life is a beautiful journey that keeps getting better.”

I would like to inform my thirty-year-old self that by the age of forty my life will be filled with stupid things, various, but stupid ... So, thirty-year-old me, do not judge me from above. You still don't know anything. And this is good.

Shirley, 44

9. Invest in your family - it's worth it

Cash, 41: “Spend more time with your loved ones. As you grow older, your relationships change, and exactly how they change is up to you. Your parents will always see you as a child until you show them that you are an independent adult. Everyone is getting old. Everyone is dying. Use the time allotted to you to build and enjoy your family life.”

I was inundated with family letters and deafened by their power. Family is the big new theme of our next decade of life, as it begins to touch us on both sides. Your parents are getting older, and you need to think about how you will communicate with them as an adult. And you also need to think about building your own family.

Most agree that it is necessary to leave in the past all grievances and problems with parents and learn how to interact with them. One reader wrote: “You are too old to blame your parents for any of your own shortcomings. At twenty, you could just run away from home. At thirty you are an adult. Seriously. Be above it."

Then before each of us the following question arises: to have a child or not?

Kevin, 38: “You don't have time. You don't have money. You need to make a career first. This will put an end to your usual life. Stop it... Children are great. They make you better at everything. They push you beyond your limits. They make you happy. Don't delay having children. If you haven't made it to thirty, now is the time. You will never regret.

The "right" time for kids will never come because you don't know what it is until you try it. If you have good marriage and environment for education, strive to get them as early as possible, it will bring you a lot of joy.

Cindy, 45

Interestingly, there are many similar letters. Anonymous, 43: “All I have learned in the last 10-13 years is bars, women, beaches, booze, clubs, trips to other cities, because I have no responsibilities other than work. I'd give every memory of it all for good woman who would truly love me ... and maybe family. I would add that it's better to really grow up and have a family than to be successful at work.

I still enjoy life, but sometimes at the next party I feel like a guy who keeps coming to school after he's finished. Around me, people fall in love and build relationships. All my peers are now married, and many - more than once! Being single all the time sounds cool to all my married friends, but no one should choose this path in their life."

I would tell myself to stop looking for a prince on a white horse and be grateful for the relationship with a nice smart guy who really cares about me. Now I'm single and it seems like it's too late to do anything about it.

Farah, 38

On the other hand, several letters expressed the opposite view.

Don't feel obligated to have a family and children if you don't want to. What makes one person happy doesn't make everyone happy. I decided to stay single without children and still live a rich life happy life. Do what's best for you.

Anonymous, 40 years old

Conclusion: While family is not absolutely essential to happiness, most find that family is always worth the effort they put into it. Of course, provided healthy and in it.

10. Be kind to yourself, respect yourself

Be a little selfish and do something good for yourself every day, something else every month, and something wonderful every year.

Nancy, 60 years old

This point rarely stood out in readers' letters, but was present in almost every one of them in one way or another: treat yourself better. There is no one who cares or thinks about you as much as you do. Life is hard, so learn to love yourself now because it will be harder later.

Many used the old cliché: "Don't waste your energy on the little things in life." Sixty-year-old Eldrie wisely remarked, “When faced with another challenge, ask yourself, will the outcome matter in five or ten years? If not, spend a few minutes on it and move on.” Most readers agree with simple rule- accept life as it is, with all its imperfections.

Which brings us to the last quote from Martin, 58:

“When I turned forty, my father told me that I would like to be forty, because at twenty you think you know everything, at thirty you realize that you don’t, and at forty you can finally relax and just accept things as they are, what they are. At fifty-eight, I want to say that he was right.”