Anna BykovaBig book "lazy mom. Why I am a lazy mother Anna bykova independent child

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Anna Bykova
Independent child, or How to become a "lazy mom"

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From this book you will learn:

How to teach a child to fall asleep in his crib, put away toys and dress

When is it worth helping a child, and when is it better to refrain from it?

How to turn off the perfectionist mom and turn on the lazy mom

What is dangerous overprotection and how to avoid it

What to do if the child says: "I can't"

How to make a child believe in himself

What is Coaching Parenting?

Foreword

This is a book about simple, but completely non-obvious things.

The infantilism of young people has become a real problem today. Today's parents have so much energy that it is enough to live life also for their children, participating in all their affairs, making decisions for them, planning their lives, solving their problems. The question is, is it necessary for the children themselves? And isn't this an escape from your life into the life of a child?

This is a book about how to remember yourself, allow yourself to be not only a parent, find a resource to go beyond this life role. The book is about how to get rid of feelings of anxiety and the desire to control everything. How to cultivate the readiness to let the child go into an independent life.

A light ironic style and an abundance of examples make the reading process fascinating. This is a story book, a thought book. The author does not indicate: “Do this, this and that”, but calls for reflection, draws analogies, draws attention to various circumstances and possible exceptions to the rules. I think the book can help people who suffer from parental perfectionism to get rid of the obsessive and painful feelings of guilt, which in no way contribute to the establishment of harmonious relationships with children.

This is a smart and kind book about how to become a good mother and teach a child to be independent in life.

Vladimir Kozlov, President of the International Academy psychological sciences, doctor of psychological sciences, professor

Introduction

Article "Why am I lazy mom”, published several years ago, is still roaming the Internet. She bypassed all the popular parent forums and communities. I even had a VKontakte group “Anna Bykova. Lazy mom."

The topic of raising independence in a child, which I then touched upon, was very heatedly discussed, and now, after publication on some popular resource, disputes constantly arise, people leave hundreds and thousands of comments.

I am a lazy mom. And also selfish and careless, as it may seem to some. Because I want my children to be independent, proactive and responsible. So, it is necessary to give the child the opportunity to show these qualities. And in this case, my laziness acts as a natural brake on excessive parental activity. That activity, which is manifested in the desire to make life easier for the child, doing everything for him. I oppose a lazy mother to a hyper-mother - that is, one in which everything is “hyper”: hyperactivity, hyper-anxiety and hyper-protection.

Part 1
Why am I a lazy mom?

I am a lazy mom

Working in kindergarten, I have seen many examples of parental overprotection. I especially remember one three-year-old boy - Slavik. Anxious parents believed that at the table he was obliged to eat everything. And then he will lose weight. For some reason, in their system of values, it was very scary to lose weight, although Slavik's height and plump cheeks did not cause concern about a lack of body weight. I don’t know how and what they fed him at home, but he came to kindergarten with a clear loss of appetite. Trained by a tough parental attitude “You need to eat everything to the end!”, He mechanically chewed and swallowed what was put on the plate! Moreover, he had to be fed, because “he still does not know how to eat” (!!!).

At the age of three, Slavik really did not know how to eat on his own - he did not have such experience. And on the first day of Slavik's stay in kindergarten, I feed him and observe a complete absence of emotions. I bring a spoon - he opens his mouth, chews, swallows. Another spoon - again opens his mouth, chews, swallows ... I must say that the cook in the garden was not particularly successful in porridge. The porridge turned out to be “anti-gravity”: if you turn the plate over, then, contrary to the laws of gravity, it remained in it, sticking to the bottom in a dense mass. On that day, many children refused to eat porridge, and I understand them perfectly. Slavik ate almost everything.

I ask:

- Do you like porridge?

Opens mouth, chews, swallows.

- Want more? I bring the spoon.

Opens mouth, chews, swallows.

If you don't like it, don't eat it! I say.

Slavik's eyes widened in surprise. He didn't know it was possible. What you may or may not want. What you can decide for yourself: eat up or leave. What can you say about your desires. And what can be expected: others will reckon with your desires.

There is a wonderful anecdote about parents who know better than the child himself what he needs.

- Petya, go home immediately!

"Mom, am I cold?"

- No, you're hungry!

At first, Slavik enjoyed the right to refuse food and drank only compote. Then he began to ask for an addition when he liked the dish, and calmly pushed the plate away if the dish was unloved. He had the freedom to choose. And then we stopped feeding him with a spoon, and he began to eat himself. Because food is a natural need. And a hungry child will always eat itself.

I am a lazy mom. I was too lazy to feed my children for a long time. In a year, I handed them a spoon and sat down to eat next to them. At a year and a half, my children were already wielding a fork. Of course, before the habit of independent eating was finally formed, it was necessary to wash the table, the floor, and the child himself after each meal. But this is my conscious choice between “too lazy to teach, it’s better to do everything myself quickly” and “too lazy to do it myself, I’d rather spend my efforts on learning”.

Another natural need is to pee. Slavik was urinating in his pants. Slavik's mother reacted to our legitimate bewilderment in the following way: she asked to take the child to the toilet by the clock - every two hours. “I put him on a potty at home and keep him until he does all the work.” That is, a three-year-old child expected that in kindergarten, as at home, he would be taken to the toilet and persuaded to “do things”. Without waiting for an invitation, he puffed up his pants, and it didn’t even occur to him that his wet pants should be taken off and changed, and for this he should turn to the teacher for help.

If parents anticipate all the wishes of the child, the child will not learn to understand his needs and ask for help for a long time.

A week later, the problem of wet pants was solved naturally. "I want to write!" - Slavik proudly informed the group, heading to the toilet bowl.

No pedagogical magic. Physiologically, the boy's body at that time was already ripe in order to control the process. Slavik knew when it was time for him to go to the toilet, and even more so he could reach the toilet. Probably, he could have started doing this earlier, but at home the adults were ahead of him, seating him on the potty even before the child realized his need. But what was appropriate at the age of one or two years, to continue at the age of three, of course, was not worth it.

In kindergarten, all children begin to eat on their own, go to the toilet on their own, dress on their own and come up with their own activities. They also get used to asking for help if they cannot solve their problems.

I do not urge to send children to kindergarten as early as possible. On the contrary, I think that the child is better at home until the age of three or four. I'm just talking about reasonable parental behavior, in which the child is not strangled with overprotection, but leaves him space for development.

Once a friend came to visit me with a two-year-old child and stayed overnight. Exactly at 21.00 she went to put him to bed. The child did not want to sleep, struggled, stubborn, but the mother insistently kept him in bed. I tried to distract my friend:

I don't think he wants to sleep yet.

(Of course, he doesn’t want to. They came recently, there is someone to play with, new toys - everything is interesting to him!)

But the girlfriend with enviable persistence continued to put him down ... The confrontation continued more than an hour, and in the end, her child still fell asleep. Following him, my child fell asleep. It's simple: when tired, he climbed into his bed and fell asleep.

I am a lazy mom. I'm too lazy to keep the baby in bed. I know that sooner or later he will fall asleep on his own, because sleep is a natural need.

On weekends, I like to sleep. On weekdays, my working day starts at 6.45, because at 7.00, when the kindergarten opens, entrance doors the first child is already standing, brought by a dad hurrying to work. Getting up early is cruel for an owl. And every morning, meditating over a cup of coffee, I calm my inner “owl” that Saturday will give us the opportunity to sleep.

One Saturday I woke up at about eleven. My son, two and a half years old, sat and watched a cartoon, chewing a gingerbread. He turned on the TV himself (it's not difficult - press the button), he also found a DVD with the cartoon himself. He also found kefir and corn flakes. And, judging by the cereal scattered on the floor, by the spilled kefir and the dirty plate in the sink, he had a healthy breakfast and cleaned up after himself as best he could.

The older child (he is 8 years old) was no longer at home. Yesterday he took time off with a friend and his parents to the cinema. I am a lazy mom. I told my son that I was too lazy to get up too early on Saturday, because by doing so I would deprive myself of the precious opportunity to sleep, which I have been waiting for all week. If he wants to go to the cinema, let him set the alarm himself, get up and get ready himself. You must have not slept...

(In fact, I also set an alarm clock - I set a vibrating alert and listened through my sleep as my child was getting ready. When the door closed behind him, I began to wait for an SMS from my friend’s mother that my child had reached and everything was fine, but for him it was all left behind frame.)

And I'm too lazy to check my briefcase, backpack for sambo and too lazy to dry my son's things after the pool. I am also too lazy to do homework with him (unless he asks for help). I'm too lazy to take out the trash, so my son throws out the trash on the way to school. And I also have the audacity to ask my son to make me tea and bring it to the computer. I suspect that every year I will become lazier ...

An amazing metamorphosis happens to children when a grandmother comes to us. And since she lives far away, she comes immediately for a week. My eldest immediately forgets that he knows how to do his homework himself, warm up his own lunch, make his own sandwich, pack his own bag and go to school in the morning. And now he’s even afraid to fall asleep alone: a grandmother should sit next to him! And our grandmother is not lazy ...

Children are not independent if it is beneficial for adults.

The history of the "lazy mom"

“Tell me, are you a lazy mom?” - it was quite unexpected to receive such a question on a social network. What's this? Some kind of promotion? Resurfaced in memory nursery rhyme Yakov Akim about a poor postman who performs a mission related to a letter without a specific address: "Hand over to Neumeyka."

And what to answer? Justify? List all your skills, abilities and responsibilities? Or maybe send a copy of the work book?

Just in case, I'll clarify:

"In terms of?"

And the question is put in a different way:

Oh yes, then it's me...

But initially it was not an article. At one of the many psychological forums, far from being the most popular, the topic of infantilism of the younger generation and its causes was raised. And even more broadly - about the inferiority and weakness of this generation. In short, all the laments of the commentators could be reduced to a paraphrased quote from the classic: “After all, there were children in our time!” Or to another classic saying: “Yes, I was at their age ...” After which there were transfers: “at the age of five I ran to the dairy kitchen for baby food for my brother”, “at seven years old I took my brother from kindergarten”, “at ten years old my duty was to cook dinner for the whole family.

I remember I allowed myself to speak ironically about the direct relationship between the behavior of children and the behavior of parents: “If mothers were a little more lazy and did not do everything for the children, then the children would have to become more independent.” But if you think about it, it really is. After all, children over the past decades have not become really worse. They did not become physically weaker and did not lose the ability to work. However, they have fewer opportunities to demonstrate their ability to act independently. Why? Because children's independence has ceased to be a vital need for the family, a need that frees mother's hands and mother's time to earn their daily bread. Moreover, in the perception of many parents, independence has become synonymous with danger. And children - they are not just children, but children of their parents, that is, they are part of the family system, where all elements are interconnected. When the behavior of the parents changes, the behavior of the children also changes accordingly. If everything is done for the child, then he will not have incentives for development. And vice versa, if adults stop doing for the child what he is already capable of, then the child begins to independently realize the emerging needs.

From discussions on the forum, from life examples when laziness was opposed to overprotection, blog entries appeared - just to collect thoughts in a pile. And suddenly an unexpected proposal from the editor of the magazine: “Do you mind if we publish this as an article?” And then the editor added: “This is going to be the bomb!”

Indeed, it turned out to be an information bomb. Exploded, worked. My article was quoted on parent forums, posted on blogs and social networks, on popular Internet resources, including foreign ones. For example, when translating into Spanish, Slavik was renamed Sebastian, for some reason the diary was replaced with a portfolio, and my mother (that is, me) in the Spanish version asked me to bring her not tea, but coffee, because tea in Spain is a very unpopular drink. And everywhere in the comments heated debates were born: “Is it good or bad to be a lazy mom?” From “this is how you need to raise children so that they are ready for life!” to “why then have children at all? To be served?!” But in fact, people were not arguing with each other at all, but rather with their projections. Everyone projected some personal story onto the article, an example from their childhood, an example from the lives of acquaintances.

Unfortunately, a somewhat truncated version of the article was distributed on the Internet (it was necessary to somehow fit it on a magazine spread), and therefore not everyone understood that it actually did not talk about true laziness, but about creating conditions for the development of children's independence. And that I did not mean forced early independence, which arises as a result of parental indifference, indifferent attitude towards the child. When in the comments under the article “Why I am a lazy mom” people write: “I am both lazy”, meaning by this “I am at the computer / sleeping / on TV all day, and the child plays by himself”, I become anxious . I would not like my message to be perceived in this case as an indulgence. It is good when a child can occupy himself and serve himself, but it is bad if he is always on his own. If so, he loses much in development. Mom's "laziness" at the base should have concern for children, and not indifference. Therefore, for myself, I chose the path of a “lazy mother”, who is really too lazy to do everything for the children, and to do at their first request. She is lazy - and she teaches children to do everything on their own. Believe me, this is also a difficult path and, perhaps, even more energy-intensive. True laziness didn’t lie here and there ... Of course, it’s easier to wash the dishes yourself quickly than to wipe the water off the floor after a five-year-old child has washed it. And then, when he falls asleep, he will still have to wash the plates, since at first they will have both fat and dishwashing detergent on them. If you allow a three-year-old to water the flowers, then not everything will work out right away either. A child may overturn a flower, scatter earth, may flood a flower, and water will flow over the edge of the pot. But this is how, through actions, the child learns to coordinate movements, understand the consequences and correct mistakes.

All parents in the process of upbringing often have to make a choice: quickly do everything themselves or take advantage of the situation and teach the child something. The second option has two bonuses: a) the development of the child and b) the release of time for parents later.

And one day, when the child will already know and be able to do a lot, mom will be able to afford to be lazy. Now in the literal sense.

Such a profitable lack of independence

What a strange conclusion! Why, if children are dependent, is it beneficial for adults? What is the benefit of a child's lack of independence?

Oh, you know, the benefit is very simple: adults in this case receive external confirmation of their super-value, importance, irreplaceability. This is necessary if there is no inner confidence in one's value. And then the phrase “He can’t do anything without me” can be translated as follows: “I can’t do without him, because only he gives me confirmation of my worth.” Dependence on the child forces to make the child dependent. The subconscious mind builds its own logical chain: “If he can’t do anything on his own, then he won’t go anywhere, he will always, always be with me, and at 20 years old, and at 40 ... He will always need me, which means I will never I'll be lonely." Often it is not even realized. At the level of consciousness, a mother can sincerely worry that a child’s life does not work out in any way. But on a subconscious level, she herself models this scenario.

I met people who physically grew up, but at the same time did not become adults and independent. They have not mastered the skill of self-control. They have not acquired the ability to make decisions, to take responsibility. I knew schoolchildren whose homework was controlled by their parents until graduation. I have worked with students who do not know why they study and what they want in life. For them, everything was always decided by their parents. I saw able-bodied men who were brought to see a doctor by their mothers, because the men themselves were at a loss where to get a ticket and in which office to take a turn. I know a woman who, at the age of 36, alone, without a mother, does not go to the store for clothes.

“Growing up” and “becoming an adult” are not identical concepts. If I want my children to be independent, initiative and responsible, then for this it is necessary to provide them with the opportunity to demonstrate these qualities. And you don’t even have to strain your imagination to artificially create situations that require independence if mom, dad or another adult (for example, grandmother) has other interests besides the child.

Now I will express a thought that is seditious for most mothers: the child should not be in the first place. My first place is me. Because if I now devote my life to children, I will live exclusively in their interests, then in ten or fifteen years it will be very difficult for me to let them go. How will I live without children? How will I fill the void? How can I resist the temptation to interfere in their lives in order to “make happy”? And how will they be without me, accustomed to what their mother thinks, does and decides for them?

Therefore, in addition to children, I have me, I have a beloved man, I have a job, I have a professional party, I have parents, I have friends and I have hobbies - with such a set, not all the wishes of the child are fulfilled instantly.

“Mom, give me a drink!”

- Now, the sun, I will finish the letter and pour you water.

“Mom, get me the scissors!”

- I can’t move away from the stove now, otherwise the porridge will burn. Wait a minute.

The child can wait a little. Or he can take a glass and pour himself water. Can drag a stool to the closet to get scissors. My son most often prefers the second option. He does not like to wait - he is looking for a way to get what he wants.

Of course, this does not mean that it is worth doing this with absolutely every request of the child. There are activities that it is still difficult for a child to perform on his own. There is something that mom can do right now, without looking up from other things. For example, if mom is just pouring water for herself. It will be strange if at this moment she refuses to pour water also to the child. No fanaticism, please.

"Am I independent?"

In fact, the only and most important mission of parents is to teach the child to be independent.

This means:

Think independently;

Make decisions independently;

Satisfy your own needs;

Plan and act independently;

Self-assess your actions.

An independent person knows what he wants and knows how he can achieve it. An independent person is independent. This does not mean that he is alone. This means that he builds relationships with others not on the principles of co-dependence: “I can’t do without you, and you can’t cope without me,” but on the principles of sympathy: “I can do without you, but I’m pleased to be with you.”

A psychologically mature person is independent. And he prefers to surround himself with the same psychologically mature people. Addicts are drawn to addicts to create habitual co-dependent relationships.

“I have not loved my husband for a long time, but I cannot live without him. There will be nowhere to live and nothing. I know that he is cheating on me, but I am ready to put up with it, because he supports me. On the other hand, I know that he needs me. He is a complete zero in everyday life, he won’t even fry an egg for himself. He also loves our son very much. And my son loves me very much. She loves me so much that she can't even sleep without me. He is already 5 years old, but we have never parted. We sleep together with him and always play together, he prefers to play with me, and not with the guys on the playground ... "

What this woman perceives as indicators of very strong love, in fact, are indicators of addiction. When a child loves to spend time with his mother, this is love. When a five-year-old child cannot spend time without his mother - addiction.

Because of an unsatisfied relationship with her husband, a woman unconsciously binds a child to herself. And this is by no means a healthy attachment. Not feeling her value to her husband, a woman thus compensates for the lack at the expense of the child, cultivating her super-value as a mother.

It can be assumed that subsequently her child will have difficulties in communicating with peers. For the mother, this is a direct benefit: if the child does not communicate with peers, then he will be forced to communicate exclusively with his mother, and the mother will not feel lonely.

When spouses are connected by warm feelings, and not codependence, it is easier for them to let go of the child, because they have something to talk about with each other, there is something to do without a child. Therefore, it is important to start working on the independence of the child with yourself. And first of all, answer yourself the question: “Am I independent?”

“I want to raise my child independent, but my grandparents interfere with this. I give him a spoon to eat on his own, and Grandma starts to feed him. I put clothes on a chair for him and ask him to get dressed, and my grandmother begins to dress him. I want my son to learn to play on his own for some time, but they don’t leave him alone for a minute, either grandfather or grandmother constantly plays with him ... "

Why are there so many grandparents in this relationship? Why do they not consider the opinion of their daughter?

The explanation is simple. The daughter lives with her parents, on their territory and at their expense. Not married, not working, both her and her grandson are supported by her grandparents. That is, the daughter is not independent. As long as she depends on her parents, they can ignore her wishes. What’s more, they benefit from it. If the daughter grew up dependent, they got the opportunity total control above her. Now it is important for them to get the possibility of total control over their grandson.

The opportunity to raise an independent child appears no earlier than his parents become independent. How do independent parents solve such problems of relationships with grandmothers? Sometimes very categorically: "Dear parents, if you do not take into account my principles of education, I will be forced to limit your communication." Only an independent and independent person can set his own rules. His opinion is listened to. And the opinion of a dependent person can be ignored, because he still has nowhere to go.

If the process of separation from your parents has not yet been completed or you are constantly building co-dependent relationships, it makes sense to work with a psychologist, take a course of personal psychotherapy. Alas, not all problems are solved by reading books. Often you need an outside perspective.

Lack of self-reliance in the vertical relationship "parent-child" or horizontal "husband-wife" always has some benefit, a hidden need of each participant in the system.

- We have been living together for ten years, and every morning begins with the question: “Lyuba, where are my socks?” It's unbearable!

- But you endured it for ten years, and what now led you to a consultation with a family psychologist?

- We have a son. A wonderful boy, very quick-witted, developing quickly. He started talking early, he is now a year and a half old, and he is already repeating poems after me! The woman's face glows with joy and pride for her son.

“And what does that have to do with your husband’s socks?” Facial expression and intonation change again:

- He repeats after her husband: “Where are my socks!” What an example he sets for his son! Who will grow up with us?

- Clear. Tell me, what do you do when you hear this question from your husband?

- I? I give him socks.

All ten years?

– Can you imagine how this reflex has become fixed in him? And with your input. Literally. He asks - you submit. If you want your husband to change his behavior, then first of all you must change yours.

- And how can I change it? Tell him: “Take care of your socks yourself”?

- It sounds rude ... And if you come up with a softer option?

- Socks in the closet in the bedroom, on the second shelf from the bottom, yours - on the left.

Do your socks always lie in the same place?

“I suppose with a few reminders, your husband will remember where to look for socks.

- And what about the son, so that this issue does not arise?

- Likewise. If the socks always lie in the same place, the child will remember this. Simple comments will help: “And our socks are here,” instructions will help: “The socks need to be put in place,” requests will help: “Go, bring socks,” “Put on socks, please.” And you have to be prepared for the fact that the child will put on socks with a heel up, and maybe unpaired ones. But he will do everything himself.

It so happens that before the birth of a child, a woman willingly plays the role of a mother for her husband. “He will die of hunger without me!”, “He won’t find socks without me!” And the husband with his behavior: "Olya, I did not find what to eat" - plays along with her. In such a game, there is always an unconscious need on the part of both partners. But everything can be changed. If desired.

How many funny and sad stories have we heard about how adult uncles and aunts are brought to a mom's interview? How do graduates go to the admissions office hand in hand with their grandmother? All these problems grow from childhood, in which parents are shaking over their children, do not sleep at night, get tired of huge amount affairs.

Anna Bykova is sure: you can do without sleepless nights, and without scandals and whims. To do this, you need to raise independent children, those who will not need the help of their parents.

How to be a lazy parent

In fact, laziness with this approach is cunning. True laziness does not smell here. Raising children who do not need constant supervision requires enormous labor costs from parents.

Mom's "laziness" at the base should have concern for children, and not indifference.
Anna Bykova

A child can become independent only because he has to. For example, if he is left to himself all the time and there is no time to take care of him. But such independence loses in terms of the level of development of consciously brought up, when parents do everything so that the child stops needing them as soon as possible.

Let's analyze the basic principles of a lazy mom.

Never do for a child what he can do for himself.

Not to do for the child what he can already do is, in fact, not to interfere. For example, at a year and a half a child can handle a spoon, and at three - get dressed, put away toys, at five - heat breakfast in the microwave, at seven - return from school and do homework on their own. Why doesn't the child do this?

Yes, because his parents do not allow this, for whom it is easier and faster to feed, clothe, collect, bring by the hand.

Children are actually smarter than they seem. And a hungry child will not refuse porridge, and a tired child will not fall asleep with a scandal. The parents' job is only to help: give porridge, read a fairy tale, suggest what the weather is like outside and what is better to wear.

How to find out what a child can

Since all children are different, the timing of development is individual. Nowhere have tables been published that indicate at what age a child can be given a knife, and at what age they can be sent to the store for bread.

When hands reach out to do something for the baby, ask yourself the question: why can't the child do it himself? It is one thing - he cannot physically, because motor skills are not developed, because he is tired, because he is sick. This is where parenting comes into play.

Another thing is that he cannot, because he does not want to, requires attention, is capricious. In this case, you need to talk, reassure, suggest, but do nothing extra.

And, finally, if the child simply does not yet know how, he must be taught.

Teach your child, don't do it for him

You need to teach the child according to the scheme “show → do it together → let it be done with a hint → let it be done by yourself”. Moreover, the points “do together” or “do with a hint” will have to be repeated far more than once.

Before my eight-month-old son began to properly slide off the high sofa, I turned him in the right direction, probably five hundred times. At the age of three, it was enough to show ten times how the mop works, and once to check that the child was enthusiastically mopping the floors. At the age of five, watching how dad works with side cutters, the child skips the “do it together” stage and uses the tool correctly.

A lazy parent is willing to spend hours and days to make the house safe and teach the child to play on his own.

But then he will enjoy the opportunity to sleep on the weekend, because the child will not rush to mom and dad immediately after getting up.

Help solve the problem, do not solve for the child

When a small person is given big tasks, it is logical to hear in response that he “can’t”. How can you cut a bowl of lettuce when there's a whole mountain of vegetables? Ordinary parents will cut themselves, lazy ones will go the other way.

They will help break down the task into smaller ones. For example, first cut only cucumbers, then only tomatoes, and then only greens remain.

Allow your child to make mistakes.

A child, mastering a new business, will make a lot of mistakes, even if the lesson seems nonsense to an adult. You have to find a button inside yourself that will turn off criticism. Of course, a three-year-old kid with a mop will not wash the floor, but only wet it.

Lazy parents will not take away a bucket of water. They will praise the child, thank for the help. In the meantime, the child is watching a cartoon, they will quietly wipe the puddles. Lazy people will not scold a child for the wrong type of tea in the store or for a jacket that is too light for the weather.

Because any mistake is an experience, and only experience can make a person independent.

Give your child a choice

For a child to be independent, he needs to choose. And choose for real, without cheating. Ask your child to choose their own clothes in which he will go for a walk. Buy cereal for breakfast. Decide how to spend the day off and which section to go to after class.

You will have to look closely at the child and trust him, be there and lend a shoulder.

It's harder than doing it all on your own. But with this approach, every day it will be easier to be parents.

Think about every "don't"

Some of the bans are necessary because we care about the safety of the child. But sometimes behind the word “no” is a concern for your own convenience. It is easier to forbid a child to pick up a watering can than to teach him to water.

A child can overturn a flower, scatter the earth, can flood a flower, and water will flow over the edge of the pot. But this is how, through actions, the child learns to coordinate movements, understand the consequences and correct mistakes.
Anna Bykova

Therefore, “no” can only be that which is unsafe. For example, eating with dirty hands or crossing the road in the wrong place.

When once again a hard “no” is ready to jump off your tongue, stop, think, answer yourself the question: “Why not?”
Anna Bykova

If it’s impossible because it’s more convenient for you, then you won’t see the happiness of a lazy parent for a long time.

Get your child interested

For a child, any process is a game. As soon as he stops playing, you can force him to do something only with threats, punishments, intimidation and other evil spirits that are better not to be dragged into family relationships.

It is desirable that the child get the experience of independence on the wave of “Wow, how interesting to try!”
Anna Bykova

When a child can do something, but does not want to, interest him. Spilled water? We take a mop to scrub the deck of your ship like a real sailor. The same game gets boring quickly, so you have to stretch your imagination and offer different options.

We cannot be perfect parents, but our task is to make sure that the child stops needing us. This is probably enough.

Specific advice and examples from pedagogical experience are in the book. Read and enjoy lazily.

I came across this interesting article. Then I found out that there is such a book, but it was not so easy to find it on the Internet. Does anyone have it in electronic form? I would be grateful if you could read it

Independence Education
or
How to be a lazy mom

THE LAZER WE ARE, THE MORE INDEPENDENT THE CHILDREN.
I'm a lazy mom! Also selfish and reckless.
Do you want to know why? .. Yes, because
I WANT MY CHILDREN TO BE INDEPENDENT, INITIATIVE AND RESPONSIBLE.

Working in a kindergarten, I have seen many examples of parental overprotection.

I especially remember the three-year-old Slavik. Mom believed that he must always eat everything, otherwise he would lose weight. I don’t know how he was fed at home, but he came to us with a clear loss of appetite. He mechanically chewed and swallowed everything that was given. Moreover, he had to be fed, because "he still does not know how to eat!".

And so I feed him on the first day and do not see any
emotions on the face: I bring a spoon, opens my mouth, chews, swallows. I ask: "do you like porridge?" - "No". But at the same time he opens his mouth, chews, swallows. “Do you want more?” I offer a spoon. "No," but he chews and swallows anyway. "If you don't like it, don't eat it!" Slavik's eyes widened in surprise.
He didn't know it was possible...

At first, Slavik enjoyed the right to refuse food and drank only compote. And then he began to eat with the addition of what he likes, and move the plate with the unloved
He has gained autonomy in his choice. And later we stopped feeding him with a spoon, because food is a natural need. AND THE HUNGRY CHILD WILL EAT ITSELF.

I'm a lazy mom! I was too lazy to feed my children for a long time.
In a year, I handed them a spoon and sat down to eat next to them. At one and a half they were already wielding a fork. Another natural need is to pee. Slavik did it in his pants. His mother told us to take the child to the toilet every 2 hours. “I put him on a pot myself at home and keep him until he does all the work.” As a result, in the garden already big child I was expecting to be taken to the toilet too. Without waiting, he wet his pants and did not even know
take them off, ask for help… A week later the problem was solved. “I want to pee!” Slavik proudly announced to the group, heading to the toilet.

On weekends, I like to sleep long hours. One Saturday I woke up at about 11. My son, 2.5 years old, was watching a cartoon while chewing a gingerbread. I turned on the TV myself, I also found the disk myself. And the eldest, who is 8, was no longer at home. The day before, he took time off with a friend and his parents to the cinema. I am a lazy mom. I said that I was too lazy to get up so early. And if he wants to go to the movies, then let him set the alarm and get ready. Wow, I didn’t oversleep ... Of course, I also set myself an alarm clock on my phone, I listened to how he was getting ready and closing
door, waiting for an SMS from the friend's mother, but for the child it was left behind the scenes.

And I’m also too lazy to check the briefcase, the SAMBO backpack, dry his things after the pool and do homework with him (by the way, he studies without triples). And I'm too lazy to take out the trash, so my son throws it out on the way to school. And I also have the audacity to ask him to make me tea and bring it to the computer. I suspect that every year I will become lazier ...

An amazing metamorphosis happens to children when a grandmother comes to us. The elder immediately forgets that he knows how to do his homework himself, warm up his lunch, collect a briefcase. And she’s even afraid to fall asleep alone in the room - a grandmother should sit next to her! And our grandmother is not lazy ...
Children are not independent if it is beneficial for adults ...
(Anna Bykova, psychologist)

Anna Bykova's book "How to become a lazy mother" 1 minute. 1 sec.

Who is a "lazy mom"? And how does she manage to cope with children so easily and simply? Anna Bykova's book "Independent Child, or How to Become a Lazy Mom" will help raise independent children and reveal the secret of happy motherhood!

About the book

many modern parents interested in how to raise an independent child. Family psychologist Anna Bykova knows how to help parents raise an obedient and independent person.

Anna Bykova's book - "Lazy Mom"

In order to demand independence from the child, parents also need to change. After all, if you continue to overprotect, prompt and help the baby, then he will not learn to do many things on his own. And why does he need it? After all, mom is always there and will help to put on shoes correctly, wash up, put away toys and collect a briefcase! In order for a child to grow up independent, sometimes you need to include a “lazy mother”. And the advice of Anna Bykova will help with this.

From the book you will learn:

In what moments can you help the child, and in what moments give the opportunity to cope with the situation on their own;
How to avoid overprotection;
How to help a child to believe in their strengths and capabilities;
When to turn on the "lazy mom".

Raising a child is a necessary process on which the future of a growing person depends. And it is the parents who give the bulk of the skills and qualities. Anna Bykova will help raise an independent person.

Independence Education
or
How to be a lazy mom

I'm a lazy mom! I was too lazy to feed my children for a long time.
In a year, I handed them a spoon and sat down to eat next to them. At one and a half they were already wielding a fork. Another natural need is to pee. Slavik did it in his pants. His mother told us to take the child to the toilet every 2 hours. “I put him on a pot myself at home and keep him until he does all the work.” As a result, in the garden, a large child was already waiting for him to be taken to the toilet too. Without waiting, he wet his pants and did not even know
take them off, ask for help… A week later the problem was solved. “I want to pee!” Slavik proudly announced to the group, heading to the toilet.

Anna Bykova Independent child, or How to become a "lazy mom"

* * *

From this book you will learn:

Foreword

Introduction

Part 1 Why am I a lazy mom?

I am a lazy mom

The history of the "lazy mom"

Such a profitable lack of independence

"Am I independent?"

How to be a lazy parent

Never do for a child what he can do for himself.

How to find out what a child can

Teach your child, don't do it for him

Help solve the problem, do not solve for the child

Allow your child to make mistakes.

Give your child a choice

Think about every "don't"

Get your child interested

Independence Education or How to be a lazy mom

Anna Bykova's book "How to become a lazy mother" 1 minute. 1 sec.

Anna Bykova's book - "Lazy Mom"

Independence Education or How to be a lazy mom

Anna Bykova
Independent child, or How to become a "lazy mom"

Part 1
Why am I a lazy mom?

Independence Education
or
How to be a lazy mom

Independence Education
or
How to be a lazy mom