Whether we are close to our mother or prefer to keep our distance, lost her a few years ago or moved to another country - in any case, her lifestyle and our relationship with her determine almost every aspect of our being. In a certain way we behave and interact with others, in our attitudes, values ​​and beliefs, in our family and sexual life, that is reflected. emotional legacy that we received from our mother.

Much has been written about how attachment is formed between mother and child in the first months and years of life. Thanks to Sigmund Freud and especially John Bowlby, we know that a child's well-being is based above all on a healthy, secure attachment to the mother. Less attention is paid to how these relationships develop later, in childhood and adolescence how this attachment shapes the way of life and behavior of an adult.

American clinical psychologist and experienced family therapist Stephen Poulter notes: “The most important thing is to recognize that this influence exists. And it can only be negative if it remains unidentified, rejected or misunderstood. When you realize how multifaceted this impact is and learn to manage it, the “mother factor” becomes a positive force that changes your life for the better.”

Stephen Poulter defines five styles of motherhood: "perfectionist", "unpredictable", " best friend”, “selfish” and “ideal”.

1. Perfectionist

As a rule, this is a superfluous controlling, timid and anxious woman, for whom the main thing is the external side of life: she needs to make an impression, maintain an image. Her children tend to criticize themselves and engage in self-discipline, they feel their failure and emotional emptiness.

If you are her child...

Your strengths: You are most likely a person who is very responsible in your relationships, you can rely on everything. You appreciate perseverance and diligence, these are the most important qualities of character for you.

Emotional legacy: You always think that other people's opinions are more important than your own. You live with the feeling that the whole world is watching you and ready to judge you.

2. Unpredictable mother

Restless, irritable, overly emotional, she is not able to control feelings, and her changeable mood determines her parental style. She herself creates problems and crises in her head, and then broadcasts this excited state to her children.

If you are her child...

Your strengths: You have a well-developed empathy, you work well with people. You are always ready to support your work colleagues, relatives and friends.

Emotional legacy: Growing up with an ingrained need to care for people and their mental problems, you can also be overly irritable and prone to depression at the same time. You learn to read people and situations from an early age, and this helps you deal with other people's outbursts of anger or indignation.

3. Best friend

She communicates with the child on an equal footing, unconsciously wanting to avoid responsibility for him. Instead of an adult capable of caring and protecting, the child is offered a soulmate, partner, interlocutor, but at the same time he is actually deprived of his mother. Her emotional needs are so great and all-consuming that she herself has to rely on the child to satisfy them.

If you are her child...

Your strengths: You understand the importance of boundaries between parents, children, friends and relatives. You are often aware that you are taking the lead in your relationship and assuming a responsible adult role.

Emotional legacy: You may feel neglected and neglected and fear rejection. Other feelings familiar to such a child are resentment, indignation, the feeling that he is not loved and underestimated.

4. "I'm first"

One of the most common styles of motherhood. Such a woman is not able to see a separate individuality in a child, she is self-centered and not self-confident. Her offspring from early age used to illuminate her life and at the same time remain in the shadows.

If you are her child...

Your strengths: You have a real talent for supporting others, you feel good and understand people in all types of relationships. You are loyal and sympathetic, able to take other people's needs to heart and solve other people's problems.

Emotional legacy: You doubt your ability to make decisions. You find it difficult to trust your own feelings in any situation, because the mother's opinion has always been more important and meaningful for you.

5. The perfect mother

Surprisingly, such mothers exist. But they, according to Stephen Poulter's book, are very few - about 10%. The Perfect Mother combines the best features of the other four styles. She is emotionally balanced, she sees unique personalities in her children and helps them grow up to be independent people. She is imperfect, but whatever her life circumstances, she cares for children consciously and with great desire.

If you are her child...

Your strengths: Feeling the love and acceptance of your mother, you are ready for risky decisions and changes in life without fear of being misunderstood and rejected.

Emotional legacy: You are able to accept and respect someone else's point of view. You are emotionally autonomous from your mother and able to cope with the challenges of an independent life.

How to rewrite the rule book

Stephen Poulter emphasizes that our mothers most often have not one particular style, but at least two. But one of them still dominates.

It is important to look at this motherly style in a detached way, without criticism and indignation. Only in this way, from the position of an adult, and not a child, can one understand the true role of the mother and her influence on you. An adult approach implies both our willingness to share responsibility for relationships, and the realization that they are not fixed once and for all.

The parent-child bond is an ongoing dialogue that we are also building. For example, each of us is able to "rewrite" the "book of rules" that he inherited from his mother. The “book of rules” is that set of written and unwritten laws that cover key aspects of life - choosing a profession, relationships with money, raising children, spirituality and sexuality. To change these rules, you need to understand how they affect your relationships and problems.

A rule, for example, might sound like this: "It is indecent for a girl to call a boy first." The subtext of this taboo reads: “Never marry a man you love more than he loves you. Let your husband love you: this way you will be in a more advantageous position. Ultimately, the message that the daughter absorbs may turn out to be even deeper and more dramatic: do not fall deeply in love and expect equally strong love in return.

By focusing on painful moments, we can determine which "chapters" from the mother's "rule book" have absorbed especially well.

How can this "rule book" be rewritten? First of all, consider scenarios in which we notice that we think, speak and act like our mother. “When I feel anxiety or insecurity, I immediately hear my mother’s pessimistic voice,” admits 36-year-old Natalya. - And her grouchy intonation: “I knew, I knew that it was not necessary to buy this / come here / agree to this adventure. And why did we do it? What were we even thinking about?"

By focusing on painful moments, we can determine which particular "chapters" from the mother's "rule book" we absorbed especially well. It will be useful for someone to describe in detail in the diary those situations in which the reactions suddenly begin to repeat the mother's, and then analyze what these scenarios have in common.

“I noticed that I hear my mother’s voice in those moments when I worry about some important event in the future or at work or when I am going to spend a large amount of money - in general, when I feel that I cannot control the situation, ”says Natalia. Once you have identified the key circumstances, you can look for ways to respond to them differently, to find arguments in favor of the opposite point of view.

But this work will make sense only in one case: if we are ready to perceive our mother not as an all-powerful and overwhelming being. And not as perfection itself, inaccessible to criticism. But as a whole person, with all its advantages and disadvantages. Then, having discovered its strengths and weaknesses, to fully realize their own capabilities and resources in this ongoing dialogue.

About the Expert: Stephen Poulter is a clinical psychologist and family therapist who has authored several books including The Father Factor: How Your Father's Legacy Affects Your Career and The Mother Factor: How Your Mother's Emotional Legacy Affects Your Life (both by Prometheus Books , 2006, 2008).

Popular wisdom says: do not have a hundred rubles, but have a hundred friends. But are these hundred friends really needed? Maybe one is enough, but the most real, most devoted and most beloved friend? I think yes.

A friend has certain qualities, such as patience, respect, loyalty, and of course honesty. A friend will not deceive you, much less betray you. Also, the best friend is ready to listen to problems and experiences at any time, even if he is tired. A friend will come to the rescue and will not refuse it. The best friend is a reliable person, he will not reveal your secrets, and will be faithful in any situation, therefore, not everyone can become one.

Now I want to talk about the main contender for the role of best friend. Firstly, she was with us from birth, she raised us, taught us the norms and rules of life. Secondly, she saw when we cried, she saw us in joy and in sadness. Thirdly, she is most interested in being full, dressed, whether we are satisfied. This woman will never leave us alone in the most difficult moments. This is mom. I believe that if a person thinks, first of all, about your good, then he can be the best friend. Mothers do this all the time, without exception. It is not embarrassing to talk with her for hours, it is interesting to walk with her, and she will not offend a child friend in any case, because this is her particle, her blood.

Mom is the best friend, regardless of age and hobbies, because she sincerely loves us and will love us.

Mom is my best friend (essay No. 2).

Many children laugh when a child says that his best friend is his mother. In fact, they are far from being right, perhaps their family has a bad relationship with their parents and they do not trust them. In fact, mom is the most true friend who will not leave you after a while.

Friends change with every stage of life, and mom is ready to support you at any moment. Another proof that mom is the best friend is that she will not tell anyone your secrets, but will carefully keep them to herself. When you stumble or make a mistake, friends rarely extend a “helping hand”, and mom will never miss the chance to give it to you and raise it to your feet.

It is very easy to communicate with mom, as she, being wise, always gives helpful tips. Mom will never envy your success and happiness, but on the contrary, she will rejoice with you and pray for your happiness. Despite all this, it is rare that a child will understand these words. Awareness comes only with age, when wrinkles appear on the face of your best friend and a little fatigue in the eyes. Therefore, you should not offend your best friend, even when he is sometimes stubborn, because after him he may not be. Do not repent later, it is better to appreciate it now, at this moment.

Looking back, you can see that all the best and brightest moments of life took place next to my mother. With her, you do not need to put on various masks, because she knows your soul beautifully. Yes, sometimes you swear and very strongly, but in her huge vulnerable heart there will always be a place to forgive your offenses, no matter what, she will accept you as you are and will not condemn you for your actions.

Now try to look into the depths of your soul and analyze all the words said above, for sure, many will shudder and they will want to change everything. Take action.

2nd grade, 4th grade.

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Psychologists assure: ideal mothers do not exist. There are no social institutions where they teach how to be a mother so that you can choose a certain style of behavior. The only thing a woman can do is copy her mother's behavior pattern.

“The motherhood gene has an intergenerational family character,” explains psychologist Milana Burchakova. But the specific situation also plays a role. Sometimes the same scenario is reproduced from generation to generation. Generations are different, situations are different, but the essence is the same. However, some women choose to counter-script their relationship with their mother. But both options are wrong, and each specific situation is special. You can not blame a woman for raising a child one way or another. Even the worst, according to the public, mother tries to be the best for her child.

The style of raising a child is usually influenced by the dominant character traits of the mother. Of course, it is impossible to divide all the mothers of the world into several types, but we will try to identify the main behaviors and consider their features.

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mother hen

Mother hens tend to surround their child with excessive care, like hens hatching their eggs, sometimes not even caring about their own food. The life of their children is scheduled according to the strictest schedule: a pool for babies, English from a year. Mother hens often do not realize that the child has grown up, even if she has already celebrated 35 years and does not know where to go from guardianship. According to psychologists, the childhood memories of mothers are to blame: most likely, they themselves received less parental love and attention in childhood. However, most of the problems and behavioral patterns of parents come from childhood.

perfection mom

She strives for perfection in everything. A child, as an object of pride that everyone needs to demonstrate, should look exceptionally perfect: no tantrums in public and diathesis. The baby is the first of his peers to smile, crawl, talk, walk, read and draw, quote Kant in the original and eat exclusively with a knife and fork. Perhaps one of the most annoying types, because they cannot help but brag about the success of their child.

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ecomom

From the side of the eco-mom, she is a well-groomed young girl with a minimum of makeup. Her obligatory attribute is a sling, from which the baby's head sticks out. Such a mother votes with two hands for breast-feeding, preferably up to three years, cotton reusable diapers, organic cosmetics - ideally oils, seasonal products, homeopathy and yoga. Ekomama stands for conscious motherhood and worries about what kind of world her child will live in. And she also dreams of wintering in Bali, because there are no GMOs and warm clothes are not needed.

Dictator Mom

Mom-dictator keeps in full control all the actions of her child. Voting right? Laughter, and nothing more. An attempt at self-expression? Prohibited. With such a mother, everything is laid out on the shelves and is carried out strictly according to the regulations. The commander in the apron is sure: she has the right to control every step not only of her offspring, but also of his own children. A child is an object of education, subject to a strict “must” regardless of wishes.

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Servant Mom

The characteristic behavior of a mother-servant is endless attempts to predict all the whims of her beloved child, indulging the slightest whim. All the wishes of the baby are the law. Plans change depending on the mood of the baby. The only mission of the servant mother is to meet the needs of the cub. With excessive diligence, an overly active lady tires not only herself, but also the object of care, who would be glad to hide from hyper-custody, but so far she cannot due to age or circumstances.

Fashion mom

On the playground, it’s easy to recognize a fashionista mom by her addiction to trendy boats, perfect makeup and intricate hair. The child is dressed to match - shorts to match his mother's bag, even now on the cover of children's Vogue. Yes, and the stroller was bought in a branded store. True, in the sandbox in such attire you can’t tinker enough. And it’s better to forget about puddles too.

Hearth Keeper

The child of such a mother will not have to snack on store-bought yogurt with a bunch of dyes and preservatives. Moreover, the child will not starve on a walk - the parent will take care of a tasty and healthy snack in advance. In the arsenal of the “keeper of the hearth” there are many recipes for purees and soups suitable for the most fastidious kids. All the energy of this woman goes to the life support of her family.

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mother child

No one perceives a mother-child as an adult and independent person, including herself. And even more so, she is completely unable to take care of the child, to bear responsibility for him. Age has nothing to do with it. The parent can be either 18 or 45 years old. A mother-child does not trust her intuition at all, she is characterized by infantilism, immaturity and a tendency to anxiety states. She is even afraid to pick up a child once again: “He’s fragile, what if I drop it?”

surprise mom

This parent is characterized by a changeable, eccentric, inconsistent and unpredictable mood. “It can be pressed to the heart, or it can be sent to hell” - this is about her. Surprise Mom is completely unable to control her emotions. She does not adapt to the amplitude of the child's emotions, but adjusts the baby to herself. She changes the system of education or the pediatrician easily and on a grand scale, unexpectedly succumbing to a new trend.

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smart mom

The smart mom has a PhD in absolutely anything and is always ready to give expert advice on the playground. Her child tried all the novelties of the toy industry, experienced advanced development methods and even nutritional principles. The parent is sure that the world definitely needs a school on motherhood, where she will be a leading specialist. She wants to raise a man of the future, able to make the most of the reserves of his body and the world around him.

mother cuckoo

For a mother-businesswoman, it’s like a quest to carve out at least an hour for a walk with a child. Ideally, have a phone or tablet at hand - it is unacceptable to break away from work even for an hour. At other times, the care of the child is shifted to the grandmother or nanny. And even a teenager can be completely transferred to the so-called self-education mode, however, not forgetting to track the main points through the delegation of authority to the same grandmother or father of the child. The eldest daughter herself is preparing to become a mother, and her son desperately needs to hang out from the army, but you don’t know? It happens. The only thing to remember is that in pursuit of a career, the main thing is not to suddenly find out that the child considers you a stranger.

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mom friend

This mother considers it necessary to accustom the cub to independence from the cradle. The child early develops social skills, learns to use the most valuable right - the right to choose. However, the parent is always there to show and guide. You can negotiate with her, but this, too, will have to be learned first. At the same time, communication skills will be pumped.

blogger mom

Today, any mother can talk about her unique experience of potty training and recipes for making delicious broccoli casserole. All you need is nothing: to have a computer, pay for the Internet, love to chat and a child sleeping at least an hour a day. If you wish, you can also create a business: sew Stuffed Toys or knit caps and sell them to subscribers. Motherhood is a great starting point.

So another study has arrived, which will streamline your life and put it into logical shelves. This time, scientists encroached on.

Have you ever wondered how you choose your friends? If not, don't think about it any further: Professor Janice McCabe of Midwestern University has already done it for you.

After analyzing the personal data of 67 students, Janice came to the conclusion that the friendships of the individual are of three types.

Now we will tell you about each. We decided to call the individual Styopa in all three types of friendship - for ease of understanding. (If a your name Styopa, it will be very easy for you.)

1st type. codependent

It is this type of friendship that we have observed in 10 seasons. Friendship of a co-dependent type implies one company in which everyone is somehow connected with each other - someone is to a lesser extent, but connected.

On the one hand, according to Professor McCabe, this is good: the Styopa individual under stressful circumstances has many shoulders to lean on. On the other hand, such closed communities do not like to accept new members into their bosom. If Styopa is imbued with warm feelings for a girl from outside world, and the group members will not like it, the relationship is unlikely to have a future.

2nd type. Separating

Styopa has several groups of friends, and these groups do not intersect in any way. This is convenient: Styopa can apply to each group in different images.

For example, Styopa is a cellist with his comrades at the conservatory, and with the guys from the yard he is a simple guy from the 5th apartment, who always walks around with a large mysterious case. Minus: if Styopa takes it into his head to introduce these disparate groups, the participants in one may present him in front of the participants in the other in an unfavorable light (especially if there are people there who are not indifferent to him).

3rd type. Individual

Large groups of friends and noisy gatherings in a bar attract Styopa much less than thoughtful face-to-face communication. As a result, Styopa has several friends from different areas of life, he sees each one separately, and they may not know each other.