A grandmother buys her fifteenth Barbie for her granddaughter. The son cannot have sweets, and his mother-in-law fed him a kilo of chocolates. Mom limits computer games, and grandma's grandson spent all the holidays at the computer and never took a walk. Familiar situation? What to do if the grandmother pampers the child, and this makes the mother angry? Responsible Katerina Demina, consultant psychologist, specialist in child psychology:

Many young mothers go through this: they limit the child in some way, and grandmothers do everything the other way around, mothers forbid - grandmothers allow. What happens in this mother-child-grandmother triangle? Why do simple things and ordinary actions cause such a storm of emotions?

In fact, the main reason for such a conflict is two women who find out who has more influence on the child, who is more important. This is a power struggle.

In my opinion, this situation is completely normal. Girls need to separate from their mother, to realize themselves as a person. Well, if this separation happened in adolescence when children argue with their parents, dress strangely, run away from home. This is the process of separating from parents and finding yourself.

If this separation happened safely, relations with parents are improved on a different level. when adults communicate, but at the same time respect boundaries. If such a separation does not occur, then the crisis of self-determination occurs later. For example, when a woman becomes a mother.

Mom needs to establish herself as an adult, responsible person who makes decisions about her life and the life of her child. And the grandmother tries to keep her position as the head of the family, a wiser and more experienced woman. It is difficult for them to agree, each is sure that he is right. And the child suffers at the same time, he is frightened and confused. In his desire to please both his mother and grandmother, he can completely forget about his desires and begin to adapt only to strangers.

What can be done to restore peace in the family? Clearly and distinctly state who is responsible for the life and health of the child. For example, to tell the grandmother that the doctor forbade giving the child sweets, then his stomach hurts. Your child, your rules. And if they are violated, you have the right to apply sanctions. There should be no discrepancies here. If this happens, although you clearly stated that some actions are inadmissible, then next time you can refuse to communicate with your grandmother. Yes, it is unpleasant and even painful. But, I assure you, relations will improve, and the new rules of the game will become familiar. Patience, courtesy and consistency are important here.

But still, if you look at this situation from the outside, most of the problems are not as terrible as they seem. Your child's childhood will pass very quickly. And extra candy won't do any harm. What today seems very important and necessary will be forgotten tomorrow. The child will grow up, and you will begin to solve completely different problems. Take the opportunity to relax while your child is busy with grandparents. It won't last so long.

What is "spoiling a child"? It's like adding honey to his milk. Milk is the provision of orderly and healthy life. What allows our children to grow, develop, not get sick. We feed children healthy food, walk in the park, limit TV viewing and computer games, and force them to brush their teeth. Because it is right, we are responsible for our children.

But sometimes it would be nice to add a spoonful of honey to milk in the form of entertainment and violations of the regime. It gives flavor to life. And it's good that there are grandmothers in the world who should not be brought up. They can only afford to indulge, because that's what they were made for.

There are other grandmothers too. With a reinforced concrete position that children should not be praised otherwise they will become arrogant, think of themselves and fall into the grave sin of pride. Children need to be criticized and pointed out their shortcomings, then he will study harder to achieve perfection. Grandmother is unshakably sure that modern children are spoiled and they have a bad upbringing. Her children were the right ones: quiet and obedient.

Such grandmothers need to be explained that children need praise and approval. Children need to talk out loud about how wonderful they are and how much they can do. Mention at the common table that “our baby has learned to tie shoelaces”, brag to a neighbor “and you know, the granddaughter makes the “swallow” herself.” Believe me, pride is brought up in a completely different way.

What to do when the grandmother does not help at all and does not take the children? Do not be offended and remember that relationships within the family are much more important. Your parents have already raised their children, fulfilled their duty to the human race, and now it is time for them to reap the rewards. It's not worth getting angry at them. It’s better to ask directly for what you need, but be prepared to refuse. Any nanny, even for a couple of hours several times a week, is better than a spoiled relationship with your parents.

From whom does the most common variant of a grandmother in our conditions - “an intervening grandmother” come from? She grows out of a mother who does not want to admit that her children have matured. That they have a separate life, that they make independent decisions, and these decisions are not at all obliged to please her. That they are old enough to bear children and raise them. Such a mother can interfere in everything and be dissatisfied with everything: her children (adults!) eat not like that, and spend money not like that, and rest not like that, live with the wrong people and not like that - yes, anything. And when grandchildren appear, even a less interfering mother believes that here she must certainly somehow participate. So the appearance of grandchildren is a catalyst for what is already in our adult relationship with our parents.

Of course, mothers of adult children do not intervene out of malice. It is very sad and difficult to admit that your child has grown. Mother of an adult child and mother small child occupy a different place in the lives of children. What about children different ages occupy a different place in the life of mothers.

And the letting go of children from oneself is connected with the meeting with such important questions: - What else, besides children, do I fill my life with? - What other meanings are there in my life besides them? - Do I feel my value when children need me less and less? - What does it mean to be a mother of an independent adult?

These are quite a few difficult questions.

It's good that we decided to talk about this not in 20 years. I want to prepare myself to be a contented grandmother.

Unfortunately, it is often very difficult for middle-aged women who are very used to investing in children, actively taking care of them, to find some other, new meanings in life when the children have matured and started their own families. And then, having become a grandmother, such a woman can actively engage in the life of adult children and grandchildren because she has nothing else to do. Children and grandchildren are the main meaning of life for her. And this is a heavy burden for both children and grandchildren - to be someone's meaning of life, especially the only meaning. But after all, this is the grandmother's task - to organize her life in such a way that, in addition to the family of children, she has other applications of her strength and aspirations.

Or it is very difficult for a woman to feel her value and importance. Just like that, from the inside, the value and importance of your life. The life of, for example, a 55-year-old woman. In a good way, internally we get this feeling from our parents in childhood. And if this is not received (unfortunately, this is very often the case, or a feeling of conditional value is received, that is, I am valuable only when I do something, I am good at something, I help in something, for example), then in adulthood we we will pull it from spouses, from children, from grandchildren. And be offended if we are not appreciated and not loved.

It is even harder when the grandmother not only tries to be valuable, but also competes with her parents in who is more important and more important. The woman who raised her son for herself, in order to be the main and best woman, would he give it silently to some young bitch? Will she be satisfied with the way her daughter-in-law is raising her grandchildren? Never!

I want to warn those who think that they see through the grandmother with all her "black" motives and want to tell her about it: if you still want peace in the family, you should not engage in motives and "psychotherapy" of loved ones, it's no good does not lead. Adult education is also not worth doing, in my opinion. Leave the grandmothers responsible for their lives, but it’s better for you to take on your own. Things are enough.

I am talking about the motives of the "grandmothers" not in order to expose them. It seems to me important to be aware, as far as possible, of one's own motives in relations with a child, whether small or adult. Because the task of a parent is to promote the separation, the maturation of their children. Although this is a difficult, painful task, especially for moms. Children, on their part, also internally laid down the tasks of growing up and separating from their parents. Parents can either help (not interfere, at least) or hinder in this. If they interfere, then growing up is delayed and goes much beyond the boundaries of adolescence.

What to do if grandma interferes

And still. Favorite question “what to do?” when a grandmother does not want to recognize her children's right to independent decisions and intervenes and intervenes? My opinion is this. Regardless of whether your mother coped with your growing up or not, whether she accepted it or opposes it in every possible way: if you are an adult, especially enough to give birth to children, it is your responsibility to separate and take the place of an adult child in a relationship with your mother.

For example, after all, take the place of the head in your own family. The boss makes the rules. The ones that suit him in his family. For example, if it does not suit him that his mother or mother-in-law / mother-in-law criticizes him, he talks about it. I'll say it my way personal experience. It is important for me that my husband and I, as parents, are the main ones in our family. And this means that we make some decisions regarding the child together. And at the same time, we decide what decisions we can entrust to grandmothers. By the way, there are a lot of them, but they all relate to the time that Pasha spends with them. All the time that he is with us: how he is dressed, what clubs he goes to, what regimen he has, treatment, which school he will go to, and so on - this is exclusively our decision. My husband and I are quite tough in this: we stop any criticism or unsolicited advice from grandmothers.

How exactly?

Words. As a rule, I talk about how I feel about uninvited intervention (“I am angry at such and such”), I talk about what does not suit me (“I don’t need advice now”, “I don’t you have to criticize me”), and I say which option suits me (“Just listen to me”, “We will have such a rule”). I react with humor to some specific manifestations of care and anxiety (“Do you even have anything to eat?”, “Does Pasha dress warmly?”) I react with humor. This is generally a master husband, he very funny begins to reflect to my mother her concern: “Dear mother-in-law, I am also very worried about how you eat? Do you have enough?" In general, in different ways.

What to do if grandma doesn't want to be a grandma

Let's talk about another option - about a grandmother who does not want to be so actively involved in the life of her grandchildren, as her children want from her. Here I personally rather have a question about children - “parents”. What is this insult about? Just imagine, a woman of 50-60-70 years old actively lives her life, she has her own values, her own interests. Beauty, no?

At least I would like to be just such a woman. And her adult children say: “Why are you living your life? Why don't you want to live our life and the life of our children?

You know, when children are small, they generally see their mother as a function. The function of a mother is to give children: love, acceptance, support, attention, etc. And children evaluate their mother precisely as a function, based on how and what she gives them or does not give, based on this she good mom or bad. But only becoming psychologically adults, they become able to see their mother as a person, as a woman. Which is not only a mother, but also a separate person, a separate woman.

In a situation where an adult child wants from his mother that she better perform her function as a “grandmother”, and is offended that this does not happen, I have such a hypothesis that he did not receive something for himself from his mother in childhood. Maybe mom was not around when her support was needed, maybe the child didn’t feel that he was very valuable to mom (and not just her job, hobby, man, etc.), maybe there wasn’t enough concrete help, and the child had to do too much, not for his age, on his own. And as if now, with the help of their children, the “parent” child is still trying to get it from his mother.

Then it’s better to think about what claims, what grievances there are against your mother. These are all important processes: to understand what touches me so much, to understand what it causes me, what feelings. Can I or my mother now fix what happened or did not happen in childhood? Do I still expect my mom to finally be the perfect mom for me? Can I just tell my mother about how I was as a child and how I perceive her behavior now? Can I get angry and sad about something that I didn’t have and maybe don’t have something important, something that I don’t get from my mother? Can I ask my mother, while admitting that she has every right to refuse me, and to live not only my life?

There was no such model of "grandmother" in our childhood. This is very difficult to comprehend.

Everyone had different models in childhood, not necessarily about the grandmother from the “House in the Village”. It is more important to look not at the models of childhood or the models of friends and neighbors, but at your feelings. After all, what are feelings-emotions? This is our personal, unique indicator of what is important to us, what touches us, what our needs are and whether they are being fulfilled.

There is, for example, a grandmother who comes to the house of her adult children, cooks there, cleans, walks with her grandson. And for one parent, this will cause a feeling of gratitude and appreciation, because this is exactly the help that he wanted. The other one was angry, because he only asked to take a walk, and did not ask to interfere in the household, or even asked not to do anything around the house. For him, this grandmother's initiative, this "good" - this is a call without asking for his territory. And then some general model will not help us in any way. And only understanding will help, what does it mean for me personally when my grandmother does this? Is this what I want or not? And this can be solved only by paying attention to the feelings that we have. If there is anger, then something is wrong. For you personally. And let for all neighbors and friends - this is the most "that", for you it is not.

About the feeling of guilt before the grandmother

Further it is even more difficult. Here one person has anger and another. Only one can be angry, and he does not feel responsible for his mother's feelings, and can directly say: "Mom, I'm angry, don't do this." And for another, this anger is accompanied by a huge sense of guilt, because he is to blame for the fact that his mother, for example, was offended, or her blood pressure jumped, or something else. There are many specialists in manipulation among mothers. And then what will be the model of relations between one and the other? Answer: different. Therefore, I am in favor of focusing on what arises within us. And what we now have the power to change. If there is a mountain of guilt and responsibility for mother's feelings, it is unlikely that it will be possible to quickly build some kind of adult relationship.

Everything is clear, but what about parents

I know from myself and from the stories of friends and clients how difficult it is to “turn off” from these relationships. Often not only grandmothers to us, but also we do not trust grandmothers to communicate with their grandchildren the way they want. In general, this is understandable. Because we, as children, often suffered from such relationships ourselves. It seems to me that our personal feelings are a good indicator of where it might be worth intervening.

As for me, I used to be constantly “on the alert”: how do they communicate, what does my mother say to Pasha, how does Pasha answer her? I was always third in their relationship. But I don’t want this at all, I believe that if you don’t interfere, they will build some kind of their own, acceptable relationship for them. Therefore, what they are talking about now, what they are doing together is only their business. The only time I intervene is when I understand that something Pasha or my mother told me makes me angry. Most often, when I hear about some kind of manipulation. Pasha, by the way, catches them perfectly, much faster than me. And he himself can let his grandmother know that he does not like it. And if I find out about this, then I also tell my mother about my anger, and that I don’t want to. And although she does not like it at all when I am angry with her, I understand that she hears me.

I would also intervene in cases of some kind of threats, the use of physical force, punishments - something that is absolutely unacceptable for me either in relation to myself or to my child. And it’s also personally unacceptable for me when someone sets a child against one of the family members: whether criticizing (“oh, well, your parents are completely!”), Calling to withhold some information (“just don’t tell your mother”) , frightening with someone's punishment (“I'll tell dad!”), etc. I don't want this to happen in my family, and if it does, I angrily fight back.

I also often hear that parents get angry when grandparents do something that, for ideological reasons, seems wrong to parents: they feed “the wrong” food, teach “the wrong” method, give “the wrong” books, and so on. Personally, I take this very calmly, I even see the benefits for the child in this.

Grandparents show him something that his parents don't show him. At the same time, he has the opportunity not to follow the only “that” ideology of his parents, but to see different things and choose what he likes. But this is my position, of course, in each particular family, parents themselves can decide what is acceptable or not for them in the communication of grandmothers and grandchildren, and when it is worth interfering.

I heard from friends about cases when visiting their grandmother, their children can do everything that mom forbids. Mom is offended. It turns out that my mother becomes such an evil aunt, but my grandmother is good. She can have a chocolate bar, and a bunch of sweets, although her mother warns that one should not give a lot.

I don't see anything wrong with grandparents pampering their grandchildren. Or let them not indulge, but they have different rules. About the image of the "evil aunt" - is it my mother's fantasy that she looks like this compared to her grandmother, or is this what the grandmother does? If the grandmother, albeit unconsciously, competes with her mother and gives sweets with the message: “Well, the evil mother will not pamper you like that,” then yes, of course, this is not about healthy relationships in the family, and the grandson “thinks” this. And not necessarily, by the way, as the fact that the "sinister mother" may, on the contrary, not fall in love with her grandmother.

And if she just gives sweets, because she loves her grandson very much and for her this is an expression of love and tenderness - then what's wrong with that? Unless, of course, the child is covered with a rash from sweets or all his teeth fall out. In this case, you can tell your grandmother and show that it is harmful for him. And if there is no harm, and mom loves like this, dad loves like this, and grandmother like this, and parents have the same rules at home, and grandparents have different ones - this is about the diversity of people, about the difference in the manifestation of their feelings, that's all very important for the child.

But often parents themselves are not just with their own parental authority and with the fact that they forbid something to the child. Deep down, they even feel guilty that they are so strict. And then more "kind" grandmothers are perceived as a threat. But whose problem is this? Not grandmothers, not grandchildren. It is important for parents to figure it out themselves, why is it so difficult for them to take parental authority and introduce their own rules? What is it that worries or angers them so much that other people may have different regulations?

What to strive for in a relationship with grandmothers?

Ideal relationships in the family are those that suit you personally. For me, this is a relationship in which everyone has a clear place. For parents - parental, that is, the main thing in this family, which determines its rules. Grandmother has a grandmother's place, a place not as responsible as a parent's, because she does not make important decisions regarding the child. And that is why her love can be completely free from any conditions and anxieties, she no longer has to show herself as some kind of super-parent, she has already raised her own children. And she can give a lot to her grandchildren due to this. And in children - children's place. Where it is clear that you can rely on adults. Where you can eat different love from everyone. Where they see that no one pushes the other from his place, and therefore it is very calm for them to be a child in such a family.

Hello, my name is Ilona, ​​I am 14 years old and I am in the 8th grade. I live with my mother and grandmother. My grandmother just pisses me off! I'm already trying to restrain myself and not scream as before, because I understand that she is older. But she controls me everywhere. As soon as I open the refrigerator door, she is already behind her and says: "What are you looking for?" And I answer, what I'm looking for, now I'll find it! To which I get the usual answer for me: Oh, you are such rubbish, I just asked, and you are rude, the bastard is growing, etc. You see, if only once, but all the time. Sometimes I’m lying down reading, I’ll take something from food, like an apple or a banana, I’ll put it next to me. She comes and yells, the sofa is not a place for food! and begins to call names, as always. She usually does this only when mom is at work, and when mom comes, that's it! We are the best damn friends.
Previously, my grandfather protected me from her, when she, in another hysteria, began to soar me. She obeyed him and went to her room, lay down on the bed and talked to herself. A year and a half ago, my grandfather died and I was alone with her all day. I try to be silent, not to leave the room, not to cross paths with her. But she gets me even in this case. There was a case when she said not to clean her room, I asked why, and she told me that she would clean herself. Well, I vacuumed next to her door and went to clean the room, and she let's yell that they left dirt at her door, her mother tells her Nobody left her anything. So she rested and everything. She herself cries at the end every time and yells in hysterics that she cooks and erases and cleans, and we don’t love her like pigs and don’t take her work seriously. Thanks to her, of course, she helps, but after such words, all the good is not even felt. He will come from the market and let’s go, “I brought it, I cooked it, I cleaned it, I washed it, I washed it.” It’s impossible to listen, I also do a lot of good things, but I don’t get up in the middle of the street and don’t yell about it, bending my fingers. My cousin she no longer communicates with her, because she hates his wife, who is older than her brother (much), but he loves her for sure, she said that that "Old cow". My brother started his own business and asked for money in loans, she gave. But a month later she began to rigidly demand them back, explaining that if this money were for her brother, then all right, but he carries them to the "Old Cow". The brother gave the money, with the words: "Each time, it is more and more difficult to communicate with her." There was a case, she approached my two girlfriends (she accidentally met them on the street) and told them that they would not be friends with me because I want to command them! Imagine! Command! They were offended by me, but I couldn’t understand why! She might not hear something and be offended. Once I tell her: "Will you have coffee?" I stand and wait for an answer, and she, like, let's yell that I constantly call her names and humiliate her, but only in such a way that it would be more painful. Her mother claims that no one offended her, but simply asked. I'm already standing and crying, not understanding what I asked wrong. And she, in another hysteria, goes into the room where, as always, lying on the bed, the whole world swears! She is a virgin and I am a lion! we can't get along together. But at least I take a step towards her, and she drums into herself that all the mean people are doing to her and trying to offend. Humiliates me in front of my neighbors. To all her girlfriends, when they come, she starts telling a saga called: "ILONA AND ALL HER MAD". I hear all this from my room, and as I leave, 6-7 pairs of evil eyes drill me. Of course I am silent. I just don't know what to do with her. She is right about everything, she knows everything 1000 percent. I play the piano, I don't. After the artist show pictures - bad! When I’m in the kitchen, I’m doing something wrong too, and it’s okay if I just spoke, she takes it, and while I turn away, she will spoil the scrambled eggs, she threw pepper into my soup. And this is under the excuse “I thought I didn’t pepper it.” She skimps on food, saves her cheese like the apple of her eye until it dries, and then she doesn’t know what to do with it. We live securely, we do not need anything, my mother has her own company. Where does this poverty mania come from? Maybe a hungry childhood, she was in 1941, after all, the war had begun. She is sure that all her friends have millions under their pillows, but we don’t have a penny! He is sorry, he likes to put pressure on pity, he shakes the nerves of both me and my mother. I complain to my mother, and she says, "What will I do, kill her or something?" Well, this is nothing. As soon as she leaves somewhere, my joy and mood rise.
Recently, she began to simply humiliate me, today she said that compared to my mother, I am ugly. I kept silent and patiently withstood a family dinner, after which I quietly reached my room and, behold, I was hysterical. I'm typing and my hands are trembling. Of course, this may be stupid, but understand, it’s very insulting and painful for me, all the same, my dear grandmother. Please help, I don't know how to deal with her anymore. I will be glad to any answers. Thanks in advance.

Hello Ilona! In old age, many people can no longer control their emotions, thoughts, etc. You need to understand that your grandmother had a really difficult childhood and it's all affecting her now. Previously, after all, there were no psychologists, people had nowhere to turn, so they worried as best they could. Yes, and it was difficult to survive, there was hunger. Early childhood affects the future life of a person big influence. It’s just that if you understand that such behavior of your grandmother is understandable, it will become easier for you to come to terms with him. When your grandmother asks you about something, and you are impudent in response, now she is even more angry. Try to answer all her questions calmly, to the point. Try to treat her like little child. I understand that you yourself are a child, but that you are angry with her will not change anything. And when she scolds you, imagine her as a little girl or dressed in some funny dress. This is harmless to her and will cheer you up, and you will not be so tragic about her antics. She wants to spill you, but you don't get angry, so she won't get what she wants. Once again, maybe he won't bother you. And what she says about you to others, try not to take it seriously, people see everything themselves. If she calls you names, say calmly: "Yes, I am who I am", or "There is a little", that is, agree, do not succumb to her jokes. You know you're not like that, and that's the main thing. Good luck to you!

Hello Ilona! I am very sorry that you have to listen, see and take to heart such an attitude and behavior of your grandmother! I suggest you look at this situation differently, from that point of view, why does she behave this way? She really had a difficult childhood, but that's not all, but the main reason she behaves this way is because she was treated like that, she was very hurt, offended, she was angry or suppressed her feelings when she heard from her elders how she was reproached with a piece of bread or cheese?!? The fact that she could not let it out of herself then, now she does it, as if in spite of herself, and, of course, unconsciously, and acts in relation to her loved ones and the environment, as she was once treated. I don’t know how old your grandmother is, but it’s almost impossible to change her, but you can change your attitude towards her behavior! I know that it is difficult, but if you move in this direction, you can achieve good results! That is, do not perceive her words, but imagine how the water from the tap is leaking, and her words, abuse and so on .., - goes down the pipe - past you !!! If you want, you can try another way, through "I-statements": “It hurts and hurts me undeservedly to hear this …………… from my own grandmother.” This does not mean that she will immediately stop behaving like that - time and patience are needed, because - this is necessary not for her, but for you, so as not to keep bad things in yourself. And over time - the situation will change ... 3. You can sign up for a section where there are a lot of physical movements, where, during and after training, you will begin to discharge and you can transform your anger, thus, for peaceful purposes for the benefit of yourself and the safety of others!!! It’s good, too, to beat a pillow at home, wash the floors, run around, etc., all this will help you feel better and pay less attention to her “words”. As soon as you lose interest in everything that she says and how she behaves, in other words, it stops catching you, then her behavior towards you will begin to change !!! In fact, it’s a pity for her that in her childhood she was not loved enough, not caressed and she was unhappy in her own way! Your task for this period of time is not to accept her words, to consider yourself wonderful, to be proud of yourself! Not feeling guilty is, on the one hand, and on the other hand, not being ashamed of what your grandmother said about you, and if you meet those to whom she said something, boldly look into their eyes and feel confident, and if they say something in response, you can simply answer that this is not true, but you're not going to prove anything to anyone. But tell your girlfriends, on occasion, if there is a reason, something that their grandmother told them - that this is not true! If it becomes difficult to figure it out on your own, then a psychologist can help you with this at a personal meeting. All the best to you. Sincerely, Ludmila K.

Hello Ilona!

Your grandmother interferes with your boundaries, perhaps she simply does not know how to respect other people's boundaries at all. But you definitely won’t be able to retrain her, so the only thing left for you is to clearly define your boundaries for her and restrain them from her penetration. I think you should ask your mother for help in this, so that she (due to your young age) confirms that such boundaries suit her. You can even conclude a written "border agreement". It should list all your rights and obligations in household chores, as well as grandmothers in relation to you, as well as, if possible, some controversial points that grandmother most often clings to. For example, it should indicate (if the contract is oral, then discussed) that the grandmother does not have the right to enter into a dialogue with your friends without your consent (I think this is fair). It is much more difficult to violate a publicly discussed and concluded contract. In general, unfortunate people usually have problems with their own and other people's borders, they poorly understand themselves and their needs, they poorly manage their lives, and they are worthy, first of all, of pity, in my opinion. So a little indulgence from you towards your grandmother, in my opinion, would be nice to bring into your relationship. If you learn to set and defend your boundaries yourself, then it will be very useful for you, as it will save you from all those psychological problems that your grandmother has now, because awareness and upholding of your boundaries helps you to be aware of yourself, your actions and needs, and It means understanding yourself and the world around you better. All the best, Elena.

There lived a grandmother and a granddaughter, in the same apartment. Contradictions of generations have become aggravated. The question arose before the granddaughter: how to ensure a happy old age for her beloved grandmother, and at the same time not go crazy herself?

“My grandmother is 84, her head and health are generally good, she reads books and even knits. But sometimes he suddenly stops doing something at all, washing himself, going out into the street. And I always have to persuade her. One day I thought: what if this is not necessary? Maybe she's just tired of living and has the right to go to bed and not get up? And I'm afraid of this, because my life will become more complicated?

They also say that old age is wisdom. But nothing but grumbling and complaints about life, discussing TV programs like “Out loud”, and constant concern for my granddaughter, expressed in phone calls seven times a day, I have not yet heard from my grandmother. Although she is 84 and she lived a very difficult life.

But why is she silent? How to "dig" out of grandmothers their wisdom and worldly experience? Maybe it depends on me that my grandmother does not share with me?

We asked gerontologist Eduard Karyukhin (Regional Public Fund for Assistance to the Elderly “Good Deed”), an expert of the Expert Council of the Open Government of the Russian Federation, to comment on the request:

Big difference

Everyone knows the comparison of old people with children. But there is one big difference: the child is capricious, inept, mischievous, asking the same thing a hundred times, for mom - the main thing. All her life potential: biological, mental, spiritual, she invests in it, because the child is the future.

And old people are the past. And although they are similar in many ways to children and the methods of communication and care for them are also similar, for people, even relatives, they are something that is already passing. Therefore, the question arises at the level of motivation. After all, it seems that everything energy costs families invested in the elderly will never be justified.

From a biological point of view, this is true. That is why in some nations there was (and in some places it has been preserved) the custom of killing their elders.

Today, society does not physically kill the elderly, but psychologically acts cruelly. Retired - deleted from society. Material wealth is reduced by five to six times. This leads to the humiliation of people and cannot but affect the subconscious perception of old people as inferior people, even if we think differently and sympathize with them with all our hearts. Don't underestimate the collective unconscious.

The cult of youth, strength, health, on the contrary, flourishes. So the couple: granddaughter-grandmother is in some way an antagonism, they are representatives of two different social groups, which cannot be ignored in our topic.

It is not possible to ensure a happy old age for one granddaughter living with her grandmother. Do not set yourself this super-task. The whole modern worldview, way of life, and your human limitations are against you. In addition, you are not responsible for the grandmother's character, personal characteristics, her current fate. Just do what you can, based not only on the biology of life, but also on your good desire to help, console, listen to the motives of your soul and grandmother's reactions.

Throw good into the water

As a gerontologist, I can say that living with a grandmother is no more difficult than with other family members. Grandma is the same “other person” in your life. And the difficulty in relations with her can signal something very important in your relationship with others.

The fact that it is not possible to touch the wisdom and worldly experience of grandmothers is largely a problem for children and grandchildren. But it is already very good when a person suspects that there is wisdom there. Old people are the information code of the clan, you just need to know it. Why is there no such live connection, transmission? Why is there no current in the system? Do we speak the wrong language? After all, the old man speaks not only with words, but also with a way of life.

Old people, like children, cannot be deceived. If we believe that they have outlived their usefulness and can no longer give us anything, they will not give anything. If we believe that they have outlived their usefulness and owe us only wisdom, they will not give wisdom (here German's "Three cards, three cards, three cards" is directly heard). Only the living can communicate with the living, not the living with the obsolete.
But there is something that even the most unwise old man can give a person: the opportunity to give just like that, disinterestedly, without expecting absolutely anything in return. Throw good into the water.

Old people are a mystery. We often do not know what is happening there, in a seemingly feeble soul. The same, however, as in the soul of a baby.

Photo: basik.ru

Force or leave alone?

In ordinary cases, the main criterion for the correctness of your counter-actions in relation to an elderly person is his benefit. If you see that your grandmother has not washed herself for a long time, she has not walked, it is clear that this will not do her any good. Therefore, here, showing perseverance and patience, you need to encourage, persuade your grandmother to support correct mode life. You can get some incentives. You can try to find out the reason for the reluctance: suddenly it became difficult for her to wash herself? Or go down from the house to the bench at the entrance? Then you need to offer help.

If the person is adequate, such a problem will be solved. It is only necessary to remember that a person may have a bad state of health, and an unimportant mood. It's okay, you're not in the army, you can skip it once or twice.

In general, in caring for an elderly person, it is dangerous to turn into a commander, a leader: a person is arranged in such a way that the compensatory function of his psyche will definitely manifest itself, and the grandmother will “fall into denial” out of the blue, will be stubborn not on business just to defend “personal freedom ".

Sometimes it’s better, perhaps, not to touch the old person, let him be calm with himself, in his room, in solitude, this is often necessary, especially when cohabitation relatives.

If there is a persistent and constant rejection of the most common rules of life, hygiene procedures, this may hide a disease, an organic lesion of the central nervous system, mental functions. Here you need to consult a specialist.

obsessive reactions

If a grandmother calls her granddaughter ten times at work with the question: is she doing well, or is she trying to keep watch? telephone conversations well, be patient as long as you can, and then calmly and kindly say that you have to work and say goodbye tenderly. And at home, be sure to ask not to call so often, otherwise you will not have time to do your job. In 99.9% of cases, if we are talking about the mental norm, it will help.

"Grandmother and grandson" (show "Ural dumplings")

Perhaps this behavior old man signals that he is there, he can take care of you, take care that you are not alone, he is with you. Maybe he got lonely, scared. But you have to work, so do not be tormented by guilt, in this case false.

Why so much negativity?

There is a certain critical bar in gerontology: 75-79, when people either become seriously ill and die, or, having gone through this period, especially after 80, they live more calmly. As a rule, people who have crossed the threshold of the 80th anniversary are distinguished by special resilience and the ability to adapt. They are worth a closer look, they are unique characters! After all, if you take the history of our country, look, they survived terror, and hunger, and devastation, and war, and the most severe brainwashing. So if your grandmother is 84 and she still reads books, discusses different things with you contemporary issues, in front of you is just a treasure of the most valuable vitality and qualities! And all these qualities are in your family, you potentially have them!

Of course, old people can often recall terrible years, and not even directly, but emotionally involved in some kind of television programs discussing the fate of the country, government actions, theft of officials, etc. But one must understand that the psyche of any person is arranged in such a way that the bad is more strongly imprinted and lasts longer. And by saying this, a person unloads from his heavy impressions. But not only.

Focusing on the difficult, the old people are trying to convey their experience to us, they want to help, to warn. But you just need to be able to correctly decipher these codes, or at least understand their motivation. In the inability to discern this behind external grumbling, I see precisely the problem of youth.

Photo: basik.ru

The classic approach in psychology: if you want to understand another person, put yourself in his place. Grandmother, sitting at home all day alone, naturally absorbs some emotions from TV, radio, newspapers, and wants to share them with someone. Often these emotions are intertwined with internal, deep, and therefore even more intensified. But on another person, such a splash sometimes acts as an irritant. A compromise is needed here: try to somehow listen to your grandmother, but if you understand that she has gone in circles, you have the right to tell her that you are very tired and would like to rest. There can be no feeling of guilt here, you are not omnipotent. The main thing is not to show irritation.

With all due respect to the old man, living with him does not mean living by his rules. For a grandmother, compromise is often no less important than for a granddaughter. And a person within the limits of the norm, as a rule, wants it and goes for it. Not in one, so in another case. But the overall balance of concessions is maintained.

Should we talk about death?

A frequent question is whether to talk with the elderly about the death of their friends and acquaintances? It is difficult to give a definite answer here. Many after 80-85 years of age already have a philosophical attitude towards death. I have seen this among people of Soviet hardening, atheistic education. Internally, they resolved these issues for themselves. How? Sometimes it's a mystery. But they have no fear. Often they are so saturated with the length of life that for them death is a transition, not tragic, not dramatic, but necessary, as if it were another part of life.

Photo: basik.ru

But there are also examples to the contrary. And you need to take into account both, look at the reaction of a person. If it is negative, do not raise this topic.

And remember: not everyone can be disabled, but we will all be old people who live. And what will be our "age features"? Will there be a person nearby who is ready to endure us with love?