We find it too presumptuous to tell everyone how to read a book (especially since we both start reading books in the middle or even at the end). But since this is our book, we'd like to let you know how we think it should be handled. After you get used to it by scrolling through it and looking at the pictures, start with the first chapter.

Do the exercises as you read. Resist the temptation to skip them and move on to the "nice bits". If you have a friend with whom you can work on the exercises, that's even better. We hope you will talk, argue and discuss the answers in detail with him.

We also hope that you will write down your answers so that this book will become a personal reminder for you. Write neatly or illegibly, change your mind, cross out or erase, but write.

Read the book slowly. It has taken us more than ten years to learn everything that we tell in it. We do not urge you to read it as long, but if the methods outlined here are of interest to you, then you may want to change something in your life, then it is better to do it slowly, and not abruptly. After reading the chapter, put the book aside and give yourself a week to complete the task before moving forward again. (You might be thinking, “There’s so much to do, the last thing I need is a task!” However, experience tells us that putting knowledge into practice and recording results helps build skills.)

In conclusion, let's say a word about pronouns. We tried to avoid clumsy “he/she, him/her, himself/herself”, freely moving from masculine to feminine. We hope that neither sex has been neglected.

Part 1: Helping Children Manage Their Feelings

Chapter 1. Four Rules

I was a wonderful mother before my children were born. I knew perfectly well why all people have problems with their children. And then I got three of my own.

Life with children can be very difficult. Every morning I told myself: “Today everything will be different,” and still it repeated the previous one. “You gave her more than me!..”, “This is a pink cup. I want a blue cup", "This oatmeal looks like vomit", "He hit me", "I didn't touch him at all!", "I won't go to my room. You are not my boss!"

Eventually they got me. And although I even nightmares I didn’t dream that I could do this, I joined the parent group. The group met at a local psychopediatrics center and was led by a young psychologist, Dr. Chaim Ginott.

The meeting turned out to be quite interesting. His theme was the feelings of a child, and two hours flew by. When I got home, my head was spinning with new thoughts, and my notebook was full of jumbled entries:

* Direct connection between how children feel and how they behave.

* When children feel good, they behave well.

* How do we help them feel good?

* Accepting their feelings!

* Problem - parents usually do not understand the feelings of their children. For example: “You really feel very different”, “You are saying this because you are tired”, “There is no reason to be so upset.”

* Constant denial of feelings can confuse and enrage a child. It also teaches them not to understand their feelings and not to trust them.

I remember after the meeting I thought, “Maybe other parents do that. Me not". Then I started taking care of myself. Here are a few sample conversations that took place at my home in one day.

Child. Mommy, I'm tired!

Me. You couldn't get tired. You just dozed off.

Child ( louder). But I'm tired.

Me. You're not tired. You just little dormouse. Let's get dressed.

Child ( yells). No, I'm tired!

CHILD: Mommy, it's hot in here.

ME: It's cold in here. Don't take off your sweater.

Me. I said, "Don't take off your sweater!"

CHILD: No, I'm hot.

Child: This TV show was boring.

ME: No, it was very interesting.

CHILD: It was stupid.

ME: It was instructive.

CHILD: It's disgusting.

ME: Don't say that!

See what happened? In addition to the fact that all our conversations turned into arguments, I again and again urged the children not to trust their feelings, but to rely instead on mine.

One day I realized what I was doing. I decided to change. But I didn't know exactly how to do it. What finally helped me the most was trying to look at everything from a child's point of view. I asked myself, “Let’s say I was a child who is tired, hot or bored. And let's say I would like an important adult in my life to know how I feel ... "

Over the next few weeks, I tried to tune in to what I thought my children might be experiencing, and when I did, my words seemed to come naturally. I didn't just use technical tricks. I really meant what I said: "So, you still feel tired, despite the fact that you just took a nap." Or: "I'm cold, but you're hot here." Or: "I see you are not particularly interested in this TV program." We ended up being two different people capable of having two different sets of senses. None of us were right or wrong. Each of us felt what we felt.

For some time my new knowledge was of great help to me. The number of disputes between me and the children has noticeably decreased. Then one day my daughter announced:

I hate grandma.

She spoke about to my mom. I didn't hesitate for a second.

You can't say such horrible things! I barked. You know very well that you didn't mean it. I don't want to hear those words from you again.

This little fight taught me something else about myself. I could accept most of the feelings of the children, but as soon as one of them said something to me that made me angry or alarmed, I immediately returned to the old line of behavior.

I have since learned that my reaction was not strange or unusual. Below you will find examples of other statements by children that often lead to automatic denial on the part of their parents. Please read each statement and write down briefly what you think parents should say if they deny their child's feelings.

1. Baby. I don't like a newborn.

R o d i t e l (denying this feeling).

2. Child. It was a stupid birthday. (After you went out of your way to make this day wonderful.)

R o d i t e l (denying this feeling).

3. Child: I will no longer wear a record. I'm in pain. I don't care what the dentist says!

R o d i t e l (denying this feeling).

4. Child. I was so pissed off! Only because I came two minutes late for physical education, the teacher did not introduce me to the team.

R o d i t e l i ( denying this feeling).

You caught yourself writing:

"This is not true. I know deep down you really love your brother/sister.”

"What are you talking about? You had a wonderful birthday - ice cream, birthday cake, air balloons. Okay, this is the last holiday that was arranged for you!

“Your record cannot hurt you so much. After all, we've invested so much money into it that you'll wear it whether you like it or not!"

“You have no right to be angry with a teacher. This is your mistake. There was no need to be late."

For some reason, these phrases come to our minds the easiest way. But how do children feel when they hear them? To understand what it's like when your feelings are not taken into account, do the following exercise.

Imagine that you are at work. The boss asks to do extra work for him. He wants her to be ready by the end of the day. You are supposed to get to it immediately, but due to a series of pressing cases that have come up, you completely forgot about it. It's such a crazy day that you barely have time to eat lunch.

I read this book before having my first child and now I'm back expecting my second. If the first time the book caused delight and complete acceptance, then over time, problems were discovered that it does not solve. I would like to get to the training and talk directly with the authors :)

For example, I will give the objections of my husband, to whom I slipped this book and which he read, but which does not work for him at all:
- why should I choose words if I say THE SAME? (I translate: he does not want to be unnatural, to pretend. In many examples from the book, indeed, the phrases are identical in meaning and differ only in form. Only one is recommended for use, and it looks like training. But the most offensive is that even the right ones " according to the book "phrases very often do not work)..

The main problem: if you teach a child to such "artificial" communication (carefully selected phrases so as not to hurt him, recognition of feelings, even when in fact the child was guilty and acted very badly) - how in ADULT life he will perceive "normal" communication with "ordinary" people who are not used to talking like that? I don’t know how it is in America, but here in Russia, for example, a man, communicating with a woman during her tantrum, is unlikely to use the phrases “I understand how you feel”, rather he will simply say “calm down, pull yourself together!” And a woman brought up "according to Faber and Mazlish" will only be infuriated (it infuriates me myself). In short, the question is: is it not worth accustoming a child to greater psychological flexibility, or something, instead of always adapting, using the same techniques and identical expressions, besides, I understand that, ideally, one should look for friends, a partner who would UNDERSTAND everything, but 99% of life will be different, all people are different, often forced communication (colleagues and boss at work), etc..

And finally, one more objection of the husband: if I really DO NOT AGREE with the child, why should I pretend to agree, etc. etc.

I understand that men are less patient, more infantile .. But even I often want to shout, instead of repeating the "right" words when they simply ignore me. I would like to ask FATHERS: does the book “work” for everyone, does everyone maintain evenness in communicating with children, does this selection of phrases cause irritation (it is especially obvious in the “express course” of the same authors) and whether everyone “breaks” themselves , portray the behavior of those who are not, and themselves suppress their own own feelings(irritation, desire to withdraw from the child) - for the sake of the child. Is it the personal growth of the parent or ... vice versa? I do not think that it is necessary to punish and even more so to use despotic methods of education based on fear, the unconditional authority of elders and assault. But communication, "forged" under the child, seems somehow, on the one hand, manipulative in relation to the child himself, on the other hand, artificial in relation to parents ...

As an example, I read examples from the book of my 6-year-old daughter, asking what answer / phrase she would be most pleased to hear from her mother in the situations described. Sometimes she did not like any answer, often she chose "correct", but several times she preferred "wrong" .... Makes you think.

The book how to speak so that children listen is unique in that readers are offered not only theoretical postulates, but also a number of practical techniques for communicating with children, as well as exercises to consolidate them.

Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish — About the Authors

Adele Faber is an educator psychologist and author of the world's best-selling parenting books. Elaine Mazlish is a mother of three children, author of books, and good friend and associate Adele Faber. Adele and Eileen often worked in tandem, lectured on pedagogy, wrote books, and also took part in popular talk shows.

Book Review How to Talk So Kids Will Listen

Feelings of a child

There is a direct relationship between how children feel and how they behave. In a situation where the child's suffering and worries are not associated with physical ailments, most mothers and fathers resort to extremely ineffective measures: they bombard the child with questions, give advice, and often completely deny his feelings.

The authors of the book advise accept the child's feelings- it is worth listening carefully to the child, if possible refraining from comments and denial of his feelings. Just name the child's feelings, thereby demonstrating that you understand and accept them: “I see that you are upset” or “You must be disappointed with this behavior of a friend.” A similar reaction of adults is much more effective.

The authors also advise help the child "let off steam" - e If the child is acting rude or, worse, throwing a tantrum, invite him to draw what he feels. Children will furiously draw circles and zigzags, students can draw terrible monsters. It only remains for adults to show that they understand these feelings: “Yes, you are beside yourself with rage!” or "Son, you're so angry!" Another way to defuse the situation is to give the child what they want in fantasy. You can imagine together with the child what will happen if he gets what he wants, and even come up with an incredible story on this topic. So you will demonstrate to your son or daughter that you care about their feelings and desires, and prevent a conflict situation.

InteractionWith child

Effective communication

Consider constructive interactions using the following example:
You go into the bedroom and see that your freshly bathed child has thrown a wet towel on your bed and, as if nothing had happened, went about his business.
1. Describe what you see or describe the problem.
"Wet towel is on the bed."
2. Provide information.
"The towel will wet my blanket."
3. Say in one word.
"Towel!"
4. Talk about your feelings.
"I don't like sleeping in a wet bed."
5. Write notes (very effective method when you feel like your anger is about to explode).
"Damp towels on my bed drive me crazy!"

Encouragement of independence

One of the main tasks of education is to accustom children to independence, to educate an independent personality. Faber and Mazlish in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen highlight the following methods

1. Let children make choices.

Every little choice is an opportunity to take control of your life.

2. Show respect for your child's efforts.

We used to think that if we tell a child: “It's easy”, we cheer him up. In fact, we do not give him support: if he succeeds in something "easy", he feels that he has not achieved anything special. And if he fails, he becomes even more frustrated because he fails at something "simple".

3. Don't ask too many questions.

Many parents naively believe that by bombarding their child with questions, they demonstrate a sincere interest in his affairs and help him. Oddly enough, this is not the case. Someone answers the questions of parents vaguely, someone even says: “Leave me alone!”

4. Take your time to answer questions

As children grow up, they ask a lot of questions. Endless “what”, “where”, “why” and “why” pour on parents like from a cornucopia. These questions often confuse parents, and they begin to choose the right answer. However, we do not benefit children with our quick answers.

5. Encourage your child to look for sources of information outside the home.

It is very important to show the child that there is a world with useful resources which can and should be consulted. The child just needs to be guided a little.

6. Do not deprive the child of hope

Dreams, fantasies, plans bring a lot of joy. Warning the child at every step, we deprive him of an important experience.

Also in the book how to talk so that children listen, and how to listen so children speak, the authors talk about the formation of self-esteem in a child.

Conclusion

The book "How to talk so that children listen, and how to listen so children speak" is not just one of many books on parenting: the authors do not bore readers with boring theory, but offer real-life examples and practical tasks.
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish are convinced that solving family problems begins with changing the behavior and perception of parents.
The child does not share problems? Learn to listen without interrupting.
Is your daughter upset? Try to accept her feelings and take your time with her advice.
You do not have contact with your son, and he does not want to listen to you? Let him become independent, respect his choice and try to say a categorical “no” less often.
Remember that praise should be sincere and not formal, punishment is the worst way to influence, and a child’s bad behavior is nothing more than a role imposed on him.

And of course, show paternal and

Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish

How to talk to children so they learn

and Elaine Mazlish

with Lisa Nyberg

and Rosalyn Anstine Templeton

Illustrations by Kimberly Ann Coe

HOW TO TALK SO KIDS CAN LEARN AT HOME AND IN SCHOOL

© 1995 by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish, Lisa Nyberg, and Rosalyn Anstine Templeton

© Novikova T. O., translation, 2010

© Edition in Russian, design. LLC "Publishing house" E ", 2016

The child understands the attitude of parents and teachers towards him by the way they talk to him. The words of adults affect the child's self-esteem and self-esteem. The speech of adults largely determines the fate of the child.

This book was born with the help of many people who believed in our success. Our family and friends helped us a lot. Parents, teachers, and psychologists from the United States and Canada told us about how they use communication skills at home and at work. Many talked to us, others sent letters. Joanna Faber taught at a city school for ten years and provided us with many touching examples from her own school experience. Bradley University and Brattain Elementary School have provided us with great support and assistance. We are eternally grateful to our permanent artist Kimberly Ann Cowie, who again managed to sort through our cursory sketches, breathe life and warmth into them. The right advice at the right time was provided by our literary agent, Bob Markel. We have always felt the heartfelt support of our publisher Elinor Rawson, who always knew in which direction we should move on.

Finally, we want to thank Dr. Thomas Gordon for the great work he has done in the field of adult-child relations. Of course, we cannot fail to mention our mentor Dr. Chaim Ginott. It was he who helped us understand why "every teacher should first teach humanity, and only then - his subject."

How did this book come about?

The idea for this book came about when we, two young mothers, came to parent group famous child psychologist Dr. Chaim Ginott. After each session, we would return home together and be amazed all the way by the effectiveness of the new communication skills we had just learned. We so regretted not owning them years ago when we worked professionally with children: one of us taught high schools in New York and the other next door in Manhattan.

At that time, we could not imagine what these classes would lead to. Twenty years later, the parenting books we wrote have sold more than 2 million copies around the world and have been translated into more than ten languages. The lectures that we gave in almost all states of the USA and in every province of Canada gather a lot of interested listeners. Over 50,000 groups use our audio and video content in countries such as Nicaragua, Kenya, Malaysia and New Zealand. For twenty years, we have been constantly hearing teachers tell how their work has benefited from attending our lectures, listening to our courses, or reading our books. These people literally demanded that we write a book especially for them.

An educator in Troy, Michigan wrote:

I have worked with rebellious at-risk students for over twenty years. I was amazed at how much I could learn from your parenting books… Today, in the area where I consult teachers, new plan school discipline. I sincerely believe that the philosophy of your book will serve as the cornerstone of a new plan. Are you going to write a book especially for teachers?

A school social worker from Floris Sant, Missouri, wrote:

Recently, I introduced the program of your group seminar "How to talk so that children will listen" to the parents of our area. One mother, herself an educator, began to apply the new skills at school and noticed that there were significantly fewer behavioral problems in her class. This was also noticed by the principal of the school, who was worried about the increase in the number of punishments and expulsions from her educational institution. She was so impressed with the changes in our class that she asked me to conduct a workshop for all teachers.

The results were amazing. The number of "requests" for punishments and suspensions has been sharply reduced. Children began to skip classes less often, and their self-esteem increased significantly.

A New York psychologist wrote to us:

I was seriously worried that there are more and more children who come to school with knives and firearms. I keep thinking that increasing the number of guards and installing metal detectors will not help us. It is important to establish effective communication with children. Perhaps if teachers had the skills you describe, it would be easier for them to help children deal with their difficult problems in a non-violent way. Would you like to write a book for teachers, principals, parent committee members, teacher assistants, school bus drivers, secretaries, etc., etc.?

We took these suggestions very seriously, but decided we couldn't take on the responsibility of writing a book specifically for teachers. After all, we haven't been teaching for a long time.

And then we got a call from Rosalyn Templeton and Lisa Nyberg. Lisa turned out to be a teacher of the third and fourth grades elementary school Brattain in Springfield, Oregon. Rosaleen trained future teachers at Bradley University in Peoria, Illinois. Both were dissatisfied with the widespread use of coercion and punishment for disciplinary purposes in secondary schools. Lisa and Rosalyn told us that they have been collecting materials for a long time in order to offer teachers alternative methods which would make students more focused and disciplined. After reading our book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, they realized that this was exactly what they needed and asked for our permission to adapt this book for teachers.

During the conversation, it became clear that the experience of these teachers is very wide. Both women taught in urban, suburban and rural schools across the country, both held degrees in education and taught various seminars for teachers. Suddenly, the project we had been putting off for so long seemed feasible. If, in addition to our own teaching experience and the materials supplied by our teachers for twenty years, we can draw on the vast experience of these two teachers, we may have a very useful book.

That summer, Rosalynn and Lisa flew to us. We found from the start mutual language. After discussing a rough outline of the book, we decided to present the material from the point of view of a young teacher who is trying to find a way to reach out to her students. In this image, we wanted to combine our own experience. We also decided to use the same elements as in our previous books - comics, Q&A and illustrated stories.

But the longer we talked, the clearer it became that if we are going to cover the whole problem of children's education, then we will have to go beyond the classroom and pay no less attention to the first teacher who is constantly present in the life of the child, that is, the parent. Whatever happens at school from 9:00 to 15:00 is largely determined by what happens to the child before and after this time. No matter how good the intentions of the parent and teacher, if they both do not have the means to implement them, the child will grow up to be a failure.

Parents and teachers need to join forces and form a workable partnership. They need to understand the difference between words that demoralize or inspire confidence; lead to confrontation or promote interaction; deprive the child of the ability to think and concentrate or awaken in him a natural desire to learn.

It became clear to us that we have a huge responsibility to modern children. Never before had so many children experienced such huge amount images of senseless cruelty. Never before have children witnessed that so many problems can be solved with force, knives, gunfire or bombs. Never before have we felt such an urgent need to show our children a real model of problem solving through honest and respectful communication. Only in this way can we protect the rising generation from the impulses of violence. When the inevitable moments of depression and rage arise, children may reach for weapons, or they may choose words they have heard from people who play an important role in their lives.

"How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk"

Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish

Many parents face difficulties in relationships with their children. “Why are you behaving like this? Why don't you listen to me?" - almost every child hears such reproaches. In turn, any parent sometimes feels a breakdown, it seems to him that he cannot reach out to his child. The question arises: how to convey your thoughts and feelings to the baby and how to understand him?

About what

The authors of the book, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, are longtime teachers and parents of many children. They are known throughout the world as specialists in the field of parent-child relations. In the book, the authors tell readers about their own experiences (each with three children) and about the experience of numerous people who attended their seminars.

This book is a real guide on how to properly communicate with children. There is no hard theory in it. Only practical advice and many real-life examples that can be transferred to any situation.

The methodology of the authors allows you to permanently resolve the "conflicts of generations". She will teach children to listen and understand - why they acted in a situation one way or another; will help to understand the nature and causes of children's emotions. The book teaches parents not to express their anger, but to look for other ways to resolve the conflict, avoiding punishment. And also, the book will tell you how to help your child cope with negative emotions.

For whom

The book will be useful to all parents who want to stop the "struggle of generations" and learn to live with their children in mutual understanding and harmony.

Quotes

"People have asked us, 'If I use these skills at the right time, will my kids always respond?' Our answer: we would like to hope not. Children are not robots. Also, our goal is not to lay out a series of methods on how to control children's behavior so that they always react. Our goal is to awaken the best that is in children: their mental abilities, initiative, responsibility, sense of humor, their ability to be attentive to the needs of other people. We want to put an end to soul-wounding conversations and find a language that supports self-esteem. We want to create an emotional environment that encourages children to interact because they care about themselves and about us. We want to showcase the kind of respect that we hope children will show us - now, at a young age, and ultimately when they become our adult friends."

"Now we have four possible ways give first aid to a child who has a problem: listen to him with full attention, acknowledge his feelings in words, name his feelings, understand the desires of the child, giving him what he wants in the form of a fantasy. But much more important than all words is our attitude. If we do not treat children with empathy, then no matter what we say, the child will feel that we are deceiving him or manipulating him. Only when our words are filled with sincere empathy do we speak directly to the heart of the child.