Not smart, but well-read

I have always felt alone in this world. My mother did not protect me, did not support me, was not interested in me. I grew like grass.

At the end of the first class, we were told to buy flowers for the last call for graduates. I told my mother about this, she cut me off and said that there was no money. All. It was a disaster. I couldn't come to school without these flowers.

In the end, I found a way out - I took a plastic tulip from home and gave it to one unfortunate graduate who happened to stand in front of me. Then the teacher saw it, I got both from her and from my mother, because now there are an even number of flowers and I will have to throw one away. Regarding the purchase of fresh flowers, my mother brought everything to naught, as if I did not ask her to buy them, but I myself threw out such a trick.

On the parent meetings she hardly walked. I had to justify it to the teachers every time and to justify herself that I actually tell her about the meetings, she just has no time.

Her henchmen

My mother's favorite pastime was to discuss me with neighbors and friends.. This happened both in my presence and when I was not there. In a situation of competition, that is, when someone else's child was being discussed, my mother boasted and praised me. If the topic of conversation was only me, all my flaws sucked on the bone. Especially my mother emphasized in front of everyone that I was not smart, but well-read, because of this I was too arrogant, I look down on everyone and I need to be knocked down. This “not smart, but well-read” refrain was repeated throughout the school period.

There was one neighbor, Anna, with whom the mother became especially friendly. Anna was visiting, she had even less money than we did, so her mother fed her, and she rubbed her confidence. She promised to take us to Israel. :) It's funny, but the mother believed it. They especially agreed on the basis of my condemnation and "bringing down arrogance." During dinners together, I listened to lectures, tricky questions, everything to prove that I was actually dumb and immature (at 14, yep). In my presence, they referred to me as "she". She is this, she is that, she needs to be simpler, etc.

When I had already begun to be impudent in response to Anna, she began to bully me in private, saying that if it were not for my mother, she would not even look at me at all, but would spit and rub me. She said that everything she does for us - she does for the sake of my mother - an angel in the flesh. I'm the ungrateful black sheep.

New school

In the eighth grade, I moved to another school, a very good one, with in-depth study of languages. We were given a tip in old school. There were eight of us from the class, only I entered.

At the first meeting in new school mother took Anna with her. Upon returning from there, my mother wept defiantly, and Anna attacked me because I indicated my mother's profession as "working" in the questionnaire. It was true, she was a factory worker. At that time, unfortunately, I did not know the intricacies of the presentation and without a second thought I wrote it as it is. While the neighbor scolded me for this, my mother stood by and pretended to be a victim, covering her eyes with her hand and sighing about my ingratitude.

Thinking about how else to please her mother, Anna went from the other end. I lived in a room that was given to us later in this communal apartment. She was bigger and warmer than her mother. They began to show me that I was an ungrateful egoist, “such a mare”, I live in a better room, but I could give in to her “elderly” mother. When I asked if she wanted to change, the mother weakly brushed aside: “No, what are you, daughter, live, but I’ll be patient, I’m used to it.” The eternal game of sacrifice.

In addition, we soon rented out my room to the tenants, since then I had to live in an empty "no one's" room, with dilapidated furniture and leaking moldy walls. Mother did not want to change to this room.

In the new school, I was also well tempered by the fact that I was the only one in the whole school who received free meals as a child from a poor family. It was pretty hard emotionally. I had to loudly say to the barmaid, in front of classmates and teachers, that I needed lunch on a coupon. The school was mostly made up of middle class and upper middle class kids, so I was laughed at, not too viciously, but sensitively. Lunch cost about 100 rubles, even less, but the mother either could not earn this money, or, again, felt sorry for me. In the future, it turned out that she had accumulated a rather large amount.

Recently I remembered the awards ceremony after graduation - we were awarded certificates. I had a gold medal. Everyone was smartly dressed, right after it started graduation celebration. I just now realized that mother was not present at the ceremony. The rest of the parents came, mine did not. Most likely, she could not or did not want to take time off from work.

Fear of doctors

I have a stupid phobia - I'm afraid of doctors, clinics, hospitals. It didn't take long to unearth the reasons, my mother scolded me as a child for everything that was wrong in my body. Early on, vision began to deteriorate - it’s to blame, “I told you, you can’t read so much.” Flat feet were revealed - all the more to blame, "there was nothing to wear only sneakers, that you are like a boy." Each visit to the doctor was associated with reproaches and blaming me for everything that I did wrong, and now she has to waste time.

For many years as a child (about seven?) I walked around with a noticeable dark spot - a hole right on the front incisor. School dentists scared me that I was losing my tooth and my smile, I sobbed in front of the whole class. Mother ignored everything. I don’t know if she noticed it at all, or did she not care, or feel sorry for the money? I got a good filling already at the university, after I saved up money from a scholarship.

Generally, my mother did not take care of my health. She did not take me to any doctors, except for an ophthalmologist in childhood and a therapist in case of illness. Even when they told me at school to fix some teeth, she simply ordered me to go to the district dentistry. I went alone. Naturally, no one gave me money for pain relief. After four fillings, going home and almost falling from a painful shock, I promised myself that I would never spare money on my health.

But my mother told me a lot about what she had to endure when she gave birth to me. She savored all the naturalistic details, and the unbearable pain and lacerations of the perineum. She felt sorry for herself, unlike me.

Religion

From early childhood, I was outraged by the phrases “God punished you” when I hit or fall. "Which God?" I thought. It was I who sloppily ran, stumbled, stumbled. In general, my mother and grandmother, unwittingly, gave me an anti-religious inoculation already in childhood.

At some point, the mother hit the religion. She became devout, went to church, put candles, fasted. Only now she has not stopped gossiping and manipulating. I still remember one of her calls: “Great post, after all. I'll fast here. And you, daughter, it’s time to start already.” Yeah, as if true Orthodoxy is only about fasting, knowing all the holidays and going to church by five in the morning. The rest of the commandments are optional.

Separation step by step

In fact, I had a chance to realize and work through my problems much earlier than now. In the new school, from the 9th grade, it was necessary to choose a specialization - psychology, law or economics. I liked psychology, I always tried to understand feelings, motivation, human relationships, etc. When I told my mother that I would choose psychology, she actually delivered an ultimatum - either I choose law, or "I live by myself, as I want."

I had to obey. After school specialization, I also entered the law faculty at a good university. Overall, I am grateful for decision, I received a good profession which allowed me to earn money. But sometimes I think, what if I entered the psychological? Would I have dealt with my injuries and cockroaches ten years earlier, would I be now carefree and prosperous?

After the first course, I found myself a part-time job for the summer. When I told my mother about this, to my surprise, she clutched her heart: “Why do you need this? Are you saying that I can't provide for you?" Well, actually, that's exactly what I wanted to say. I had almost no pocket money, I had to beg. And now I had to buy notebooks, pens and at least some clothes for something, because my mother dressed and shod me to a minimum, until she completely fell apart.

I studied at the free day at Moscow State University, it was impossible to work during my studies. I found a job on the weekends, and worked part-time in addition to the scholarship. Then I graduated from university and got a job.

Before that, the mother was laid off from the factory, she, on the advice of her friends, began to work as a nanny. One day she lost her job and seemed to be looking for a new one. At that moment I was already working. Suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, she throws a tantrum about the fact that she has nothing to live on, nothing to buy food, pay the rent. She sets it up like this: I go into her room, she watches TV, gradually begins to sob that she is so unhappy, she has been sitting without a penny for the second month, and I, a soulless callous bastard, will not even ask how the “old mother” is doing (53 of the year).

I cry with guilt and shame with her, in last time, this is her latest manipulation that I fall for. Nobody bothered her just to explain the situation, just to ask for money. As it turned out later, she had a stash, which she simply did not want to use.

After that, at her request, I gave an advertisement at my work that my mother was looking for a job as a nanny. She was quickly engaged. But I soon regretted it. One day she just didn't come to work. Her employer found me through my boss, asked what was the matter with her, if she was alive at all, they could not get through to her.

After work, I went into my mother's room, she was lying, curled up on the sofa, suffering. I approached, I asked what was the matter, there was no answer, after braking for the tenth time, she answered through her teeth that she was tired and generally asleep, and this was a misunderstanding, she had a day off. After this incident, I vowed to recommend her to anyone, such a set-up before the authorities was extremely unpleasant for me. But in the end, after a while, I gave up and found her a job again.

Getting married

Shortly after graduating from the university, I met my future husband, Ivan. Soon they decided to live together. For a while they lived in my room in a communal apartment. Who did not live in communal apartments, it will be difficult for him to understand. It changes the psyche. This is constant pressure, petty observation and paranoia, the destruction of your boundaries, a gross invasion of privacy.

One day, Ivan and I returned from vacation and the first thing we heard from our mother, as soon as we entered the apartment after a month of absence, was thrown to me: “Do you know that it’s your turn to clean this week?”. Not "hello!" Not "how are you?" but "let's get out."

You need to live on your own. There was no money to rent an apartment, even the cheapest one, yet. We decided to move to Vanya's apartment in the Moscow region for the time being. Lasted seven months. The road took almost two hours one way, four hours a day plus 10-12 hours at work. Train, subway and back, the only time left was to sleep. I gave up, could not stand it, asked to live back with my mother. Have returned. It turned out that in the meantime she took apart some of the furniture in my room, ruined some and I realized that I would not survive here for long.

I couldn't bring myself to be in the same kitchen with her, so Vanya took over the cooking. Mother considered the whole apartment her own, so she sat in the communal kitchen all day long. My husband took the brunt when she grumbled why he cooks such fatty food, because I'm not thin anyway, and he still feeds me. She complained to him that the bath was dirty, because I got up there with dirty heels, and other nonsense of a sick soul. She was talking to the man we just got married, back from our honeymoon. Vanya relieved tension as much as he could, joked, did not take it into his head, but it was all unbearable for me.

At some point, we had a cat (miraculously rescued by Vanya after an accident). Significantly, his mother refused to call him by his first name. Although we called his name many times in front of her, she kind of forgot each time and called him in a different way, as she wanted.

Gap

I felt bad, but I didn't understand why and decided to see a psychologist. She helped me realize a part of everything that I went through. As a result, a little over a year after returning to my mother, my husband and I rented an apartment at my insistence.

I didn't warn my mother about this. When we were packing and taking out our things, at some point she came in and asked if we were leaving. With a positive answer, she began to wring her hands and ask why she offended me so much, that she was a bad mother, etc., etc. I began to make excuses, but Ivan got angry and gave her a sharp rebuff about how she treated me, humiliated me and poured mud on me, that it was not good to do this in relation to her own daughter, and she should be ashamed. She instantly fell silent and ran off to her room, offended.

There was a long silence after that. I don't remember who broke it first. Probably she. Decided to privatize our rooms. I have waived my share. Privatization failed due to some technical obstacles. The mother folded her hands. She doesn’t need it, no one will kick her out of these rooms, and she doesn’t seem to need more. Leave something for me to inherit? It is unlikely that such thoughts come to her mind at all..

Here it must be understood that I grew up in a sense of an eternal inexcusable debt to my mother. I was sure that I would start earning, I would first buy a separate apartment for her, then somehow for myself. I didn't know the reality. Having looked at the market, I realized that for one apartment in Moscow I need to save up all my life. Why should I lay down my life on an apartment for a mother who does not want to lift a finger in order to privatize her rooms and improve her living conditions on her own?

In the meantime, she told me that she wanted to buy a piece of land (worth one and a half million!) At the cemetery so that I could visit her grave after death. And then I’ll bury who knows where and I won’t go. I wanted to say: Mom, if you want to help, give us this money for a down payment on an apartment. By the way, she is 58 years old and has been dying for twenty years.

Between this and then she still complained to me that she wanted to poison herself when I left, so it knocked her down. She complained about Ivan, called him not by name, but exclusively “this one”. It helped me a lot that the psychologist warned me about the possibility of such manipulation, and I did not take it to heart. My mother is not sensitive, she would rather make everyone else choke herself before taking her own life.

Four years later

We have been living separately for over four years now. I'm starting to forget the past nightmare. I do not want to communicate with her, but I am gnawed by a feeling of guilt and shame that good daughters and decent people communicate with parents, support them.

Periodically, a couple of times a year, she calls me, or congratulates me on the holidays or my birthday, or demands money for the fact that I am registered with her, or for some other service. I try to unemotionally say that everything is fine and ask how she is doing.

She is not interested in whether I am married or to whom. She is not interested. She just thought we got married somehow, arranged magnificent wedding but she was not invited. Although we just signed. There was no money for any wedding. But the mother rightly feels offended by inventing her own story. She does not know where I live, in what area, what kind of apartment. Never asked. But he lisps and climbs to hug and kiss at rare meetings.

I don't really understand how I feel about her. Anger, pity, disgust. Seems, all the love I had for her is gone.

Recently, I often think about suicide, I understand this is not good, sometimes I think it would be better if I had not been born, it would be easier, right? My parents said that my mother wanted to have an abortion, but my father stopped her, sometimes I hate him for it. I love my parents and they kind of love me. But they are not at all interested in my life, I have never had enough of their attention and love. They don't know anything about me, what I love, what I dream about, what I want. They think I happy child who has friends, family. And they hardly guess that I'm sitting on suicide sites. I always coped on my own, with all the problems, how much I cried. But I never showed them tears, I play a cheerful girl in front of them. Why can't I open up to them? I'm just simply afraid of it, I'm afraid of them! I'm afraid of consequences, I'm afraid of misunderstanding. I finished 9 classes and dropped out of school, now I don’t study. There is no desire, parents do not care. They are not at all interested in me, I can become a drug addict, an alcoholic, a whore, they still won’t guess about it. Because we hardly see each other. Live for my future, I don't think I'll have a future, I don't know, I've never seen one. Of my future... I'm still young, I know everything ahead, but will I endure? How I want everything to be good for everyone. I want everyone to be happy
Support the site:

Victoria, age: 17/13.02.2016

Responses:

Victoria, hello. Parents are not psychics, they cannot look into your soul, therefore it is necessary to say in words what does not suit you, announce the entire list of accumulated questions and get answers to them. Vika, do not waste time, do not be inactive, because everything is good to do on time, now you have a great age to learn, absorb knowledge like a sponge, believe me, it will be more difficult later. You are already almost an adult, you are responsible for yourself, do not expect that someone will push in the back, force, force! No one will live your life for you! Good luck to you!

Irina, age: 28 / 13.02.2016

Victoria! For everyone to be happy, it’s not enough to want, you have to work.
Your parents are very sensible. They don't get into your life. If you want, share with them yourself.
You don't study and you don't work. Parents can't care less (you'll understand that when you become a mom yourself).
Your parents are worried about you. Silently. Because they believe in you. They are waiting for you to decide, to mature to send your young forces somewhere. Do you have any desire? - Can your parents, with their speeches and advice, give birth to a desire in you ?! Pressure from above always extinguishes the initiative, but does not give birth to it.
You're a grown man, Victoria. If you want to become a drug addict or a whore, no one will be able to keep you. No control, no vigilance, no inhibitions. It really is. What should parents do in this situation? - They have only one thing left. Believe in your child. That he grew up kind enough to strive for the good. Independent enough to start your journey. And smart enough to get it right.
My son is also 17. Everything I could, I already gave him. All that she could not - let him forgive me (I'm not omnipotent) - and try to win himself. Parents will not judge him for mistakes. They will grieve side by side with him .. I believe he will win. Will win to pass on to their children. Nobody gets anything for free.
Victoria, you will win too! It cannot be otherwise. Start acting. Action drowns out fear. It is better to do and make a mistake than to sit still and drive thoughts in circles.

Elena Ordinary, age: 40 / 02/13/2016

Hello Victoria! Do not be offended by your parents very much, because people are different. Sometimes even inattentive to the problems of their own children. And if you still want to be closer to them, try to take the initiative yourself. Give them a call when they're at work. Send a message by phone or social media. If there is an opportunity during personal communication to help them, help. Ask how they are, how they are doing. Discuss some news or issue. Think of topics for discussion. This communication will be easy and relaxed. Thus, they will understand that their attention is needed by You and they themselves will be more interested in You. Maybe there will be some common deeds. Even if you go to the store or do household chores together once a week, it will already be good. Just keep in mind that at first they may perceive Your communication with a little surprise. Still, this was not the case before. This is normal, do not be upset and try to communicate with them again. And about the future, do not rush to decide. In fact, the choice must be approached responsibly and slowly. Often the guys do as they are told by adults, and then do what they are not at all interested in. The stories on this site are proof of that. You, on the contrary, will understand what you want, you will grow up. And already consciously make a choice, you will avoid mistakes. So do not hold thoughts about death, they will not lead to anything good. I wish everything works out for you!

Mikhail, age: 28 / 16.02.2016

Victoria, hello. The mother of a daughter who is no more writes to you. Or rather, not even a mother, no one ... My girl herself passed away on February 19, she was only 22 years old. She is my only child, very beloved, dear and the best daughter. We lived in different cities, the last time we saw each other was in the summer of 2014. She always told me that everything was fine with her, she encouraged and inspired me. Always cheerful and cheerful. Recently, I myself did not call often, as before, and basically they talked about nothing: how with work, how is the weather - the main thing for me is that everything is fine. I heard a voice - it means everything is in order, you can live and work in peace. Apparently love is blind - and I heard what I wanted to hear. And she really needed my support and participation, and if she had said directly, without hints, that she had problems, I would have given EVERYTHING, if only she LIVED!!! If only I could say - mom, you really made money there, I feel bad ... Victoria, if you read it, please remember - sometimes love is not necessarily expressed in words and "lisping", it can manifest itself in a cooked dinner, a blouse bought at a sale or poured a glass of juice, or topping up your phone bill, these are sometimes ordinary things that we don’t notice, but this is also love and care for you. And if it seems to you that your parents do not pay due attention to you, look at it from the other side - they are calm, knowing that you are nearby, you smile and this allows them to do their daily chores, solve problems (adults also have them), work , take care of you and enjoy life. Try talking to your mom about what's bothering you, I'm sure she doesn't even know how much you miss her. Take the first step, trust. Mom will accept you any, with all your doubts and fears. How I would like to say these words to my girl. How much I did not have time to tell her, how much... If only she LIVED!!! Here on the site a lot is written about the fate of those whose relatives themselves have passed away. Believe me, these are not just words. This is hell on earth, this is horror for the rest of your life, emptiness and darkness until the end of days. And grandmother, grandfather simply cannot be described in words - what anguish they have in their eyes. Children, dear ones, I beg you from all mothers - LIVE! All difficulties can be overcome, endured, changed, corrected. Just do not be silent, do not be afraid to ask for help, even if you are ashamed or it seems that you will be condemned or not understood. In fact, parents will always help and protect their child, this is inherent in nature. Any problem will be divided in half if you tell it to someone, and it will no longer be as global as you thought. Life is given to doubt, seek, decide, love, laugh and cry. We love you very much! Always love, no matter what actions or bad grades. It's just that your parents lived a little longer than you, went through more trials, disappointments and problems, maybe even the soul became more callous because of this, therefore they are less sentimental. But we love you very much, our daughters and sons!!! Please remember this. We live while you are alive. May the Lord keep you and your loved ones.

Elena, age: 43 / 04/05/2016

Most parents do their best to keep their children healthy and happy. But even such people can make mistakes in parenting, which can lead to significant problems in the future.

Unfortunately, some parents go beyond random mistakes and thus "poison" the life of their children. Whether they are doing it on purpose or simply believing they are perfect, there are several behavioral strategies that can cause emotional and mental harm to a child. Moreover, this influence continues even when children become adults.

1. They failed to make you feel safe.

Some people believe that showing "tough" love is a guarantee that children will be able to take care of themselves in the future. If you've been held in tight confines for a long time, you'll even consider it positive influence for your life. However, if you are practically falling apart right now due to some kind of setback or rejection, it is most likely due to the influence of your parents. They didn't give you a sense of security and self-confidence when you were a child. Tough love sometimes does work, but it may not be the only approach parents should take if they want their child to fit into adulthood.

2. They were overly critical

All parents resort to criticism from time to time. Without it, we would never have been able to learn how to do the many things we face every day. But some parents go to extremes and criticize their child for every mistake they make. Perhaps parents assume that by such behavior they will save children from more serious mistakes. Unfortunately, such behavior develops an inner harsh critic in the child, and it will be very difficult for him to adapt to the realities of adult life.

3. They demanded your attention.

4. They were prone to snarky jokes

All parents sometimes play pranks on their children, but when it becomes a regular occurrence, it can become a really serious problem. You shouldn't accept this type of behavior just because your parents always made fun of things like your height or weight. Ultimately, this will make you feel insecure. If a parent has some remark to his child, it should be stated calmly and not critically, and not in the form of a joke.

5. They forced you to make excuses for their bad attitude.

Did you grow up believing that your parents were physically and emotionally abusing you because you deserved it? If so, then you will still justify the terrible behavior of others by saying that you yourself did something wrong. Some parents will criticize any situation in order to satisfy their needs, and this leaves children with only two options: admit that adults are wrong, or shift all the blame. In most cases, children, even adults, choose the second option.

6. They didn't let you express negative emotions.

Parents who refuse to develop their child's emotional needs and suppress their negative attitudes are creating a future for them in which they will not be able to express what they need. There is nothing wrong with helping children see the positives in any situation. But if you completely protect it from negative feelings, this can lead to depression, as well as to the fact that, as an adult, he will not be able to properly respond to the negative aspects of life.

7. They scare even grown children.

Respect and fear should not go hand in hand. In fact, children who feel loved are much more likely to be happy. Although the child needs to be disciplined in any case, but for this you can use actions and words that will not cause the destruction of the human psyche. Children do not have to be afraid of their parents in order to respect them, and as adults, they should not feel anxiety or fear every time they receive a message from their relatives.

8. They always put their feelings first.

Parents may believe that their thoughts and feelings should come first, but this attitude is outdated and cannot form positive relationship between generations. Even if parents make the final decision about everything from your dinner to where you spend your holidays, they need to consider the feelings of every member of the family, including the children. They should not force children to suppress their feelings in order to calm themselves.

9. They copy your goals.

Perhaps your parents are so interested in what you do that they begin to copy and duplicate your behavior. On the one hand, they show a sincere interest in your life, but on the other hand, they make it much more difficult for you to achieve your goals. This behavior can harm you throughout your life.

10. They use guilt and money to control you.

Every child feels guilty about their parents from time to time, but some adults resort to this tactic on an ongoing basis. Even if you are an adult, your parents can control you by doing expensive gifts and expecting something in return. If you are unable to do what they want, then your parents will try to make you feel guilty "for everything they have done for you." good parents know that children do not owe them anything in exchange for money or gifts, especially if they did not ask for it themselves.

11. They didn't talk to you often.

It is very difficult to talk to someone if you are angry, but closing yourself off from your child and being silent can be very harmful. It also indicates parental immaturity. In this case, the child will feel pressure, even if he did nothing wrong. If one of the parents is too angry to talk calmly, he should come to his senses within a few minutes, and not rudely ignore his child.

12. They ignored the boundaries of what was acceptable.

Parents can justify watching their children, and in some cases it is even necessary to keep them safe. However, everyone should have their own space, especially teenagers. Some parents ignore these boundaries at every turn, and this causes numerous problems. In more late age their children themselves will not be able to correctly understand and establish personal space in relationships with other people.

13. They make you feel responsible for their happiness.

If your parents have spent a lot of time telling you how much they have done for you and how uncomfortable it has been for them, then they have unrealistic expectations. No child should be held responsible for the happiness of their parents. Also, parents should never demand that their children give up what makes them happy in order to even the score. Growing up in such a situation, adult children will find it difficult to understand that they themselves are responsible for their own lives.

Listen to my story. For some, it will seem like paradise at first, when everything is possible ... but when your mom is just purple?
I have never shared my personal life with my ancestors and do not share and do not intend to share. In general, I have a complex system of communication with my ancestors.
When I was in school, I was brought up in a very strict system. I forgot to do something - pipets, well .. we will belt several times. She did something - they locked her in the closet for the night in what she was (in a T-shirt or shorts - generally FSUs) - she slept on a cold hard floor or didn’t put peas on her knees (those who knelt on peas will understand me how cruel and painful it is), they were also driven out to the stairwell, into the entrance in what she was at home (in a T-shirt and shorts - in winter), etc.
When I was in high school, they were not allowed to walk for a long time. It's getting dark - run home! All my mother's friends said that I was not a daughter, but gold: I would always wash all the dishes (from the age of 6), I didn’t scream, I didn’t act up, I studied well, I graduated from school without a single 3. I was the most successful student in the class.
But it was still flowers.
With my mother, I was the first and unwanted child from another man. I can only see my dad in pictures or remember something about him from childhood (for example, how he brought 2 bottles after work: one for vodka for himself, and the other for Cheburashka lemonade for me). I was with my dad until the age of 4.
I live now with my mother and stepfather. But I do not like this word and call him dad. Still, he raised me for the most part. And he has nothing against me.
But in the house the head is mom, not him. I also know that my mother's favorite child is my little brother from my stepfather. She doesn’t put me in hell, because I’m unwanted, by aerial. Although I always helped her. By the way, I raised my brother. I was 10 years old when he was born. It was my responsibility to take care of him. Mom is at work. I didn’t sleep for so many nights, I nursed, swaddled, fed milk from a bottle, washed worn diapers (no, no, this is not funny) .... What the hell is the school and what other lessons???
When I entered the university, everything was different.
Mom started to give a damn about me. I can come home at 6 in the morning, I can not appear at home for 3 days at all - I won’t even call! I can take a nap until lunch, not go to school - there will be no complaints from my mother. She has no interest in my life at all! I suppose because he knows that I am a fairly independent person, responsible for my actions. But still, any normal mother is at least a little interested in what her daughter does (especially when she is not at home at night!). No, don’t think, I have a head on my shoulders, and I have never staggered in bad companies, I have not drunk on the porches, I have not smoked, etc. My mom doesn't know who I am at all.
There was once such a joke. Grandmother (mother's mother) came to visit us. I was then 14 years old. My grandmother is at least a little interested in my life. She asked if I had already "those days"? I replied that yes, and for 1.5 years. Mom didn't know about it, of course. When my grandmother told my mother that "these days" I had already 1.5 years. Mom almost fell off the chair, which is why I kept silent about it. What is there to talk about with her? This is the same thing as approaching, for example, a teacher at school and saying, and for no reason at all, "and my "those days" have begun!" . Silly. Also with mom. She doesn't want to talk to me.
There was another joke. Mom bought herself a lot of cheap tampax once. (I was 17 years old then) He comes into my room, says "take yourself a couple of packs of tampax, I bought myself a lot." I answer: "Where do I put them? What are you? There I have nowhere at all .. I still have nothing to do with anyone ..." Mom in a stupor: "How is it" no-no "???? And I thought you in general, for a long time already .... Well then, take it anyway. Then they will soon come in handy ... "It was a frenzy!!!
It was also a joke. I spent the night with my friends after hanging out at the hut of one of them. Before going to bed, all the girls called, or at least sent SMS to their mothers that they wouldn’t come home today, don’t worry, mom. And I have nothing to notify my mother, she doesn’t care anyway. The friends knew this. They went to sleep. Woke up in the morning. My mom is calling me on my cell phone. The girls are shocked: is she really interested in where I was. It turns out that she wanted me to grab bread on the way home if I came home today. Here was a joke with the girls!
I had real difficulties in my life, but I always managed without the participation of my mother. Mom doesn’t even guess that I was almost expelled from the university because of passes, because she worked like a bastard (by the way, I support myself from the age of 16). He still does not know that I have been with my MCH for 2 years and everything is serious with us. She has not talked to him yet, but she already considers him a sucker. He does not know that I was really invited to work abroad in my specialty for good money (I was in the USA, I worked there). He doesn’t know that MCH and I are already buying a car and that I will soon finally get out of the apartment, where my mother almost makes me pay for the light bulb that is on in my room, not to mention the products (I buy them myself ).
I am now 20. I consider myself a person who achieves my goals in life. Everything would be fine. But I would like to improve my relationship with my mother. But to establish a relationship with her - it seems like a dead business. For reference: my mother is a business woman, a woman who has succeeded in life, earns very well, but is not going to give me any material support (even moral at least!). All I have now is all on my own. What should I do about her indifference towards me? I don't have any more relatives. Maybe someone has a similar situation?

Parental dream of a healthy and happy child often the child himself destroys. Sometimes parents think that he does it on purpose. They present everything to him on a silver platter, and he grows up ungrateful, spoiled, insensitive, etc. Then the throwing begins among specialists (although more often parents limit themselves to relatives) in search of an answer, what to do with the child, how to fix it, “fix it”.

The famous psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky says that the problem should not be looked for in the child, but, first of all, in oneself. He advises parents to first deal with themselves - and then it will be much easier to improve relations with the child and give him a happy childhood.

Do you want a happy childhood for your children? Get to know yourself first

And the thing is that only mentally healthy parents can provide an ideal childhood. Only this way, and nothing else. In order for a child to grow up happy and for love to be a feeling of light and joy, parents must give this love from the cradle.

Here, of course, you can make a lyrical digression on the topic of the fact that we all generally understand love in very different ways. For some, these are deeds and actions, for others - warm, tender relationships, care and attention. But more importantly, love as an emotion that we feel for someone is an absolutely childish feeling. This is what we felt when we were kids. Looking for love is looking for those experiences, trying to repeat them, reproduce them, subconsciously being in childhood again.

Let's take a happy family. One where the child was continually kissed on the ass, carried in her arms, was adored by all family members without exception. Growing up, he will only look for this when choosing a partner.

But, as we all understand, this is not the case for everyone. Many are already early childhood felt abandoned, useless, abandoned, unloved. There can be many reasons for this: one was sent to a boarding school, the second to Kindergarten for a five-day period, the third was sent to another city to his grandmother (the mother came once a month, and the child cried - he loved his mother so much, but was terribly worried that she was leaving him).

Another, no less common, scenario: after the divorce, the father does not come to the child, lives his own life, not at all interested in the life of his daughter. The girl missed her father, but also suffered from the fact that he did not need her. For her, this is love - you feel what I'm getting at? To the fact that she will look for a person who will give her these sufferings: he will leave her, forget and neglect her. For her, THIS is love. And only such relationships will be perceived by her as serious.

So the concept of love for all of us exists a priori, from birth, but its formation is directly influenced by the actions of parents. Either the child rejoices and is happy - or he suffers, is afraid, worries. And for this bouquet of emotions familiar from childhood, a person hunts all his life.

That is why it is so difficult for us to agree on what love is - everyone has a different understanding, different starting points, different experiences.

Thousands of people read me. They are all different. Among them there are not only neurotics, but also people who are not quite mentally healthy. No need to wait for ready-made universal solutions. They simply don't exist. If a person has serious problems, he cannot change like that right away, just by reading the article to the end.

Let's say you're an aggressive parent. Shout at the child, regularly raise your hand to him. And what, finish reading the column and think: but the psychologist says the case, you probably shouldn’t beat the baby? You don't have to, of course, but you can't do it any other way. The more you restrain yourself, the more aggression will be.

There is only one way to change this scenario - fix your head. Only having outlived your childhood story about unhappy love, you can become a prosperous cheerful mother. And not the one that does not live, but survives, brings different men and can’t decide in any way or is looking for a macho father who runs around the apartment with a belt and tries to “raise a normal man” (but in fact grows a downtrodden neurotic).

When you pull yourself together, go to a psychologist (or a psychiatrist - depending on the severity of your case) and deal with your unhealthy psyche, you can safely stop reading my articles. You will not need any advice or psychologists - everything will work out for you.

Why? But because you will finally become a normal person: predictable, with a stable psyche, without complexes, controlling your emotions. And then the child - lo and behold! – will grow up perfectly normal and healthy.

But so far, most parents, unfortunately, believe that everything is fine with them, but “something needs to be done urgently” with the child ...