Rarely does a get-together with friends go without discussing what modern men cowardly and irresponsible. Psychologist Tatyana Strashuk believes that before labeling, you should understand the reasons for the behavior of your chosen one.

Just recently he said that you are his only one. And then suddenly disappeared without explanation. Now he hides and doesn't answer the phone when you call. And you cry into your friend’s vest, in your hearts calling him a coward. And really, why doesn’t he have the courage to admit honestly, looking into his eyes, that he no longer wants to continue the relationship?

Men and women cannot be measured by the same yardstick, warns psychologist Tatyana Strashuk. - Women often treat men without understanding how different we are. A woman, like a fish in water, feels in the inner “circle”. This is family, home, relationships with loved ones. The nature of a man is in external activity: conquest, work, protection, action. For the same reason, a man is not as developed as a woman. emotional sphere. Most men, even when they discover moments of sensitivity in themselves, are afraid of them, considering them unmanly.

Thus, for a woman, emotions are her kingdom, for a man they are something dangerous and alarming. This is not their sphere, here they feel like “snakes in a hot frying pan.” And if a woman can have intimate conversations with her friends for hours, then for a man such conversations are a moment of extreme, almost intimate openness and vulnerability. And if so, then there is always the danger of “missing a shot.” Therefore, it is much easier for a man to prefer action to talking, even if the action is the choice of inaction, that is, avoiding the problem.

Now is it clear why your chosen one chose to hide instead of sorting things out with you? And indeed, many men admit that it is easier for them to “get punched in the face” than to be judged, to feel humiliated and insulted. But this is exactly what a man is afraid of conflict situations most.

So many men’s actions, which seem to us cowardice and baseness, are actually explained by fear of their own experiences and feelings. By avoiding solving problems, a man seems to forget about what worries him. Just because he's hiding and not answering his phone doesn't mean he's disrespectful towards you. He hides from himself, and at the same time protects his self-esteem. The fear of one’s own experiences, which will certainly arise at the moment of a difficult “debriefing” in a relationship, turns on such unconscious defense mechanisms in the psyche.

Getty Images/Fotobank

As soon as your friend became pregnant, her companion began to shake like a leaf. And then he asked for a time out and went to his mother for two weeks. And the husband of your other friend has been wiping his pants in a hateful position for several years now, receiving neither moral nor material satisfaction. At the same time, he desperately clings to this place, afraid of losing what he has. And at the women’s council you give both poor fellows a categorical diagnosis: a coward, an irresponsible infantile, a mama’s boy.

– You may have noticed that different people react differently to danger. Some freeze - fear paralyzes them, others, on the contrary, react quickly and flee. What may seem natural to a woman, such as pregnancy, may be perceived by a man as a signal of danger. And... escape.

In general, fear of responsibility is a fairly common phenomenon, especially in our time. And not only for men. It often stems from wrong attitude to the very concept of responsibility. In my practice, I have encountered the fact that the very word “responsibility” evokes fear and rejection in many. This means that everything that is directly or indirectly related to responsibility will be reflected in fear until a person realizes that in fact responsibility is something that happens to him every moment of his life, whether he wants it or not, whether he accepts it or not. it or runs from it. Because only the person himself is responsible for his life and everything that happens in it. It is he who receives all the consequences from his actions, thoughts, and words.

As long as a person is under the illusion that someone or something outside is responsible for what is happening to him, he will behave childishly and immaturely towards himself and others. Only the awareness that I and only I am the master of my life, the cause and effect of what is happening, allows a person to accept ALL the consequences of his actions.

What are the causes of irresponsible and immature behavior?

♦ A man in a family could be treated like a child for a long time, not trusting him with important matters. Therefore, he is accustomed to the fact that he is not the one who makes all the important decisions. In adult life, especially at critical moments, he reacts in a similar way - like a child who is waiting for someone to come and decide everything for him. And he lets everything take its course. After all, he lacks experience in accepting responsibility, faith in himself and his ability to make decisions.

♦ The man has subconsciously internalized the irresponsible behavior pattern of his father or other significant men in his family.

♦ The boy grew up without a father, and his mother performed two roles. However, she did not raise the child masculine qualities, did not explain male functions and psychological differences between the sexes. Especially if the child was the “navel of the universe,” and he was assigned only the royal role of “mama’s boy.” In adult life, such a man will expect decisions and actions from a woman, sincerely offended by demands to bear responsibility for his words and actions, not understanding why this is expected of him.

Is it possible to change a man's behavior?

Knowing the reasons makes it easier to understand the situation, but does not change it, says Tatyana Strashuk. - No one can ever change or remake anyone without personal desire. A person can influence something only through himself, realizing his own mistakes. And here the most important thing is the understanding of the woman herself, that she met just such a man for a reason, with something in herself she attracted him into her life. Apparently, some subconscious signals are emanating from her. the world, which are in tune with a man of such behavior. If they treat you irresponsibly, lie to you, then this most likely means that you are doing this to yourself. This means that it is possible to change this situation by researching: WHAT ABOUT ME attracts irresponsible and cowardly men into my life? Our relationships with the world, and especially with men, reflect our relationships with ourselves. After all, the world is a mirror in which everyone sees their own reflection.

Tatyana Koryakina

Man and cowardice are, at first glance, two contradictory concepts. However, the fact that a man is not afraid of mice and cockroaches, bloody scenes in films and even skydiving does not make him a daredevil. There are more than enough cowards, although their fears are more of a social nature.

Lisa knows very well what the expression “cut the rug out from under your feet” means. Two months of a cloudless romantic relationship with her beloved ended one day when her friend simply stopped picking up the phone. Attempts to find out nothing yielded nothing. For several days of silence, Lisa almost went crazy, and then in Odnoklassniki she received a letter from him: “You are very good, but I have a lot of work now, and I cannot afford to take you lightly. Let's remain friends." The only thing that helped her survive the painful blow was the understanding that, fortunately, she did not have to throw in her lot with such a coward.

With the advent of SMS, the Internet and social networks It's real freedom for cowards! If you want to break up with your girlfriend, no problem: a short message and you’re free to go drink beer with friends. You don’t need to look into the eyes of your abandoned loved one, you don’t need to answer questions. Paradise! And what is happening to her is purely her personal grief.

The lowest cowardice is the inability to take responsibility for one's actions. You can safely cross this guy off the list of real men.

Marina has been working as a deputy general director in a large company for many years. There are many employees, and staff turnover is a constant phenomenon. I am satisfied with my work, but there is one “but”. “I have already developed a guilt complex! - she complains. — Every time the boss decides to fire someone, he entrusts this “honorable mission” to me, citing the fact that he has enough things to do. You have no idea how difficult it is to tell an employee that he is fired. Someone has a family, someone has a mother, someone is crying, someone is angry, but it’s up to me to listen to everything! Let him endure it all himself!”

Yes, the boss is an important, serious and always busy person. But this is not a reason to entrust your work to deputies, secretaries or other representatives. After all, the decision to fire an employee is made by the boss, which means he must be able to say so. It’s just a pity that there are few brave souls who can say this to his face.

“I hate these male “fraternities”! - Anya complains. — After a couple of glasses, my husband starts acting like an idiot! Ready for my friends last shirt take it off, at the first call he runs to them! One day in the middle of the night someone called and asked to meet me from the airport. My husband, naturally, went. I was proud that this was male friendship, I don’t understand. And this “friend” later, when he got married, didn’t even invite him to the wedding!”

Poems and songs have been written and films have been made about male friendship. Men look down on the so-called female friendship and condescendingly pat their friend on the shoulder: they say, well, be friends, be friends... until the first purchase of identical dresses. Only some people don’t even suspect that their relationships with friends have nothing to do with real male friendship. A coward man needs company to assert himself, and he will do his best to create it and try not to leave the “pride.” Friends invite you to a bar, but he has already promised his girlfriend an evening at home? It’s okay, the friend will survive, because a cowardly man is very scared that he may not be invited a second time. In general, it’s basically hard for him to say “no.” It's hard and scary.

And there is also the other side of the coin: “you and I”, “we are for you”, and when the time comes - “I understand you, but my hut is on the edge.” As Leo Tolstoy said, a cowardly friend is worse than an enemy, because you fear the enemy, but rely on your friend.

Where do cowardly men come from?

The so-called social coward is a cowardly person with weak willpower and weak self-confidence. Unlike depression, cowardice is a character trait, and not a temporary state of the human psyche. Therefore, you should not have much hope that the coward will change. It's only in fairy tales that the Cowardly Lion is willing to do anything to gain courage. Real “cowardly lions” are fine anyway.

Where does cowardice come from? Like many of our problems and complexes, they come from childhood. During puberty, especially among male teenagers, the struggle for dominance in the group and the assertion of one’s “ego” begins to be clearly aggressive in nature (hello to school fights “class against class”). Against the background of this struggle, a number of adolescents develop a defensive reaction, expressed in submission with traces of hidden aggression. This defense subsequently leads to the development of cowardice - fear of open conflict and actions on the sly. When a boy grows up, cowardice can transform into cunning, but cunning is not good, and has nothing to do with ingenuity.

If you happen to fall in love with a coward, for a long time you won’t even suspect it. When the first delights from the candy-bouquet period pass, take a closer look at his behavior and carefully ask about past novels. The first sign of cowardice is blaming the woman for everything, unflattering words addressed to her and harsh criticism.

The concept of “cowardice” is a very broad one, and accusations of cowardice can be very controversial. If a young man, in response to attacks from hooligans, does not start a fight with them, this is prudence. If he doesn’t introduce a girl to her parents for 5 months, that’s reluctance. And if he doesn’t want to join the army, it’s a desire to build a career. Or is it cowardice?

Have you ever dealt with cowardly men?

Source:
Not the man of your dreams: a coward
Man and cowardice are, at first glance, two contradictory concepts. However, the fact that a man is not afraid of mice and cockroaches, bloody scenes in films and even skydiving does not make him
http://www.interfax.by/article/66489#comment-133782

Socionics and other typologies

Socionics - science or art?

“I’m not a coward, but I’m afraid,” he whispers. This “man” has the following written on his forehead: “I’ve already been ringed.” Thrilled by the awareness of his own “manhood,” he takes risks - he walks to the left. Sooner or later, the wife finds out (he’s a bad conspirator - you can’t take him into intelligence), declares her rights and scolds her - the “coward” gets out of it and makes excuses as best he can (“It’s not my fault - she came on her own.” ). Then he tells you how “brave” he was: “I had to kneel down. »

He constantly burdens you with his problems. He is never interested in your affairs and feelings. He hangs up when you call and someone close to him is nearby. In general, he behaves like Katya’s lover from my favorite film “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears.” I didn’t care about your grievances and your problems. Of course, he doesn’t directly spit, but he never listens to you, interrupts you and starts talking about himself and his problems again.

He will never divorce his wife for you or for anything else. Even if his wife herself files for divorce, he will crawl on his knees in front of her, kiss her dirty shoes and beg her not to leave him. Don’t waste your time and your nerve cells on him!

I must say, you better still pay attention to unmarried men, or those who have already divorced themselves. They are not spoiled by their wife’s upbringing and other family cliches. But if a man is divorced, it means he may have unpleasant memories of his marriage. With such a man you need to be very careful in your statements and wishes.

If your potential hero has not been married, then you will not have to endure comparisons with your ex (his friends, girlfriends and mother often suffer from this), although even if he himself got divorced, but recently, then you will have to, and all comparisons are usually in favor of the ex, even if she wasn't an angel in the flesh. You won't have to try to make friends with his children. Most men want this, if not demand it. And there’s a lot more you won’t have to endure and do.

Source:
Socionics and other typologies
“Coward” “I’m not a coward, but I’m afraid,” whispers. This “man” has the following written on his forehead: “I’ve already been ringed”... Trembling at the realization of his own “manhood,” he takes risks and walks
http://www.socionic.ru/index.php/2011-11-16-03-16-41/20231-lr

A coward doesn't play

This is one of the most common fears, and recently it has become especially common and has become especially severe.

This is one of the most common fears, and in Lately it occurs especially often and takes on especially severe forms. There is nothing surprising here: current art for children cannot be called gentle. Not so long ago, Sergei Obraztsov, the creator of the famous puppet theater, in all seriousness did not recommend that parents bring five-year-old children to the play “Little Red Riding Hood,” believing that the image of a wolf could make too heavy an impression on them. And now five-year-old children often watch not only cartoons featuring monsters, killer robots, vampires, zombies, but also action films, thrillers and horror films. If we add to this computer games, the heroes of which also bear little resemblance to good-natured bears, thoughtful donkeys and cute piglets, then one can only be amazed how, with such a load on the psyche, not all of our children are neurotic.

Therefore, to such a seemingly harmless children's entertainment, like watching cartoons, should be treated very carefully: if a child is prone to fears, he should not be allowed to feed his imagination with images of monsters. Even if he demands it (often children, frozen with fear, nevertheless cannot tear themselves away from the screen when horrors are shown there). You won’t follow his lead if he demands drugs or vodka, and in this case the harm is quite comparable.

It happens that fear fairy tale characters and monsters are masked by the fear of overly strict, authoritarian or rude parents. And in this case, you will have to change your behavior, otherwise there will be no positive changes, no matter how much effort you spend on corrective games. How to define such fear? Try to look at yourself from the outside. For example, record for a week how many times a day you reprimand your child and how many times you praise him. Or ask the opinions of others, just don’t be offended if it turns out to be not entirely flattering for you. And then invite a couple more people into the company (preferably those with whom the child has a neutral relationship) and act out several fairy tales with dolls involving negative characters. If, when distributing roles, a child persistently assigns you to the role of Baba Yaga, Wolf, etc., I would regard this as a reason for reflection.

This technique is used by many psychologists and psychiatrists. Children are asked to make a mask of fear (or “someone scary”), which the kids take turns scaring each other with. This game must be played with great emotional excitement, not skimping on jokes and laughter, in order to drown out the feeling of fear that may initially take hold of children. Adults should not scare a child. Another piece of advice: be sure to moderate the play, do not let the kids get overexcited: a sudden outburst of fears can lead to manifestations of aggressiveness. Don't insist if your child refuses to play the role of the fearful one and only wants to scare (or vice versa). Start a game about once a week, and after a while he, most likely, inspired by the example of his comrades, will agree to play both roles (this is important for not only overcoming timidity, but also an overly critical attitude towards oneself, which often constrains the behavior of an indecisive child).

After two or three sessions, enter the game new element: Let the one who is frightened drive away the scary mask. But only in pantomime.

It usually appears in children around the age of six and is, in principle, quite normal. When a child suddenly realizes that he himself and the people around him are mortal, this can be a serious shock for him. But then, quite soon, life takes its toll: the children are consoled by the fact that all this will not happen soon, and thoughts of death are gradually pushed into the background. In any case, they do not poison the child’s existence.

However, for some children, the awareness of human mortality makes such a difficult impression that they are unable to recover from it. The fear of death haunts them. Parents are sometimes completely lost, not knowing what to say to their sad child. And really, what can I say? That he will live for a long, long time, and then scientists will come up with some kind of medicine? Alas, such persuasion usually does not work on children with a neurotic, aggravated fear of death. How to be?

My colleague I.Ya. and I We advise Medvedeva to introduce such children to religion. Belief in the afterlife and in the immortality of the soul gives many children, and not only children, a point of support. At least our experience with little neurotics confirms this.

This does not mean that you should not talk about deceased relatives in front of children. Of course, it should, because, among other things, this also gives hope for “life after life”: if a person is remembered, it means that he has not completely left us.

As for overcoming the fear of death in the game, it is hardly ethical to do this directly. Therefore, the games I have cited also fight the fear of death indirectly.

I.Ya. and I played this game. Medvedeva is recommended for children who are prone to despondency and easily fall into despair (namely, among such people the fear of death is most common).

The presenter indicates some unpleasant situation. For example, a child and his father went to the cinema, but were late and were not allowed in. Unpleasant situation? Undoubtedly! The question is: what positive things can you find in it, how can you console yourself? Or you can, for example, use the money you save to go on rides or eat ice cream. For each correct answer, a point is awarded. Whoever has more points will naturally win. You can play together, setting up situations one by one (but, of course, avoiding tragic stories involving death).

They are mainly played by girls with natural artistry and developed imagination. By fantasizing about who they were in some fairy tale (“let’s play that I was once a princess.”), they also latently get rid of the obsessive fear of death. The task of parents in this case is not so much to participate in this game, but to feed the child’s imagination, telling him about the life of people in different eras, about bright historical events, reading fascinating books, so that today their daughter would want to imagine herself as a princess, tomorrow as a little circus performer like Suok, and the day after tomorrow as a “guest from the future.”

Alas, in our time these childhood fears are becoming more and more justified, and adults should try, if possible, to create in the child a feeling of greater security. There is no need to watch the news in front of him, which now and then talk about disasters, terrorist attacks, military conflicts, talk in his presence about the omnipotence of the mafia and about “how scary it is to live.” Be sure to protect your child in all difficult situations for him! If a child cannot stand up for himself, and the parents demand that he himself fight back against the offenders, the child in most cases only becomes even more neurotic, feels completely alone, abandoned to the mercy of fate.

Fears of bullies, attacks, etc. They are more common in boys, which is why games aimed at overcoming them are mainly for men.

The point of the game is to confront someone who symbolizes danger. Victory is possible only by suppressing fear in oneself; it requires confident and precise actions. “Battle” is a complex of four games. They are carried out sequentially under the supervision of an adult. —> First game

fencing with toy sabers (sticks). The winner fights with an adult. The shield is not used specifically as it creates artificial protection and reduces the effect of the game. Of course, the adult must ensure that the children do not become overexcited and do not hurt each other.

The second game is alternate archery shooting with suction cup arrows from a distance of about 10 m. You need to dodge the arrow, you can only shield yourself with your hands. The tense anticipation of the shot creates an acute sense of anxiety, but at the same time the child can take protective measures. And after the shot, regardless of the results, he feels a sense of relief. In this way, emotional tension is released. Repeatedly changing the roles of attacker and defender helps improve the way you respond to a stressful situation.

For the basis of this role playing game The plot is taken from “The Tale of the Kid and Carlson, Who Lives on the Roof.” As a matter of fact, in A. Lindgren’s book there are two whole plots dedicated to an attempted robbery, but with preschoolers it is better to limit it to the first, in which Carlson acts as a ghost. In the image of a mummy, affectionately called Mommy by the fat-cheeked prankster, there is a frightening novelty for kids, so instead of curing their fears, they may well develop new ones. Schoolchildren aged 8-9 are psychologically more prepared to perceive this image. Most likely, they have already heard something about embalming and about Egyptian tombs (and maybe they have seen mummies in museums), so for them the humorous moment in this story will come to the fore: the fact that the mummy is made of towels and from Uncle Julius' false jaw (which is very easy to draw). You can act out scenes with dolls and live.

These fears are common among preschoolers. IN school age, fearing ridicule, children gradually overcome them. The game “Battle” is useful for boys, and an adult, commenting on what is happening, should especially note the child’s endurance, be amazed at how he is not afraid of pain, say that someone else in his place would have burst into tears long ago, etc. You can then play in a military hospital, again emphasizing the courageous behavior of the “wounded”.

This is a traditional game for girls, usually one of the variants of playing with dolls. But to more effectively overcome the fear of pain and doctors, it is better to “humanize” it. All medical procedures that cause fear must be reproduced in as much detail as possible. Let your daughter play both the role of a doctor and the role of a patient. And not just one, but several: he will play a girl who is not afraid of anything, and a girl who is only afraid of injections, but takes everything else calmly, and a coward who does not even agree to go into the office. However, do not correlate this with her behavior and do not read moral lectures, and if she herself starts a conversation about her fear, say that before, maybe your daughter behaved a little similar, but now everything is different.

To overcome the fear of punishment, of course, provided that the parents change their behavior, outdoor games are shown.

The difference between this version and the well-known game is that the adult in the role of the driver sets the tone, jokingly threatening to find its participants at all costs and deal with them, i.e. acts as a sort of grotesque villain Barmaley. The children are given the condition that they must remain completely silent, holding back even when “Barmaley” comes almost close to them. In extreme cases, you can only make the sound “oo-oo-oo!” If someone reveals himself ahead of time, he either receives penalty points or is eliminated from the game. When the driver catches someone, he, as expected in “Blind Man’s Bluff,” identifies him by touch. They all take turns driving. The game lasts on average 20-30 minutes, so that everyone plays the role of a driver more than once. In addition to the fear of punishment, "Blind Man's Bluff" helps to overcome the fear of darkness and confined spaces.

This is a fairly well-known game, although last years it, alas, is not nearly as popular as it was 15-20 years ago. They play it on fresh air. At least three people participate in the game: one person is in the middle, and two players, standing opposite each other at a distance of 5-8 meters, try to hit him with the ball and “knock him out” of the game. If the person being kicked out manages to catch the ball in mid-flight, he gets a point (analogous to an extra “life” in computer games) and, accordingly, the opportunity to pay with this point when the players throwing the ball finally hit the target. It is desirable, of course, that an adult, whom the child is afraid of, participate in the game. If this doesn’t work out (for example, a strict father flatly refuses to “do nonsense” and nothing will get him through), involve another adult of the same gender and approximately the same age in the game.

For several years now, while I have had my website, the article alone has enjoyed constant popularity, “Signs of a weak man,” and recently, checking the statistics on the site, the phrases that people ask in search engines and come to my article (usually these are “characteristics of a weak man ”, “how to understand that a man is weak”, “how to build a relationship with a weak man”), I saw that someone typed in the request: “how not to kill a cowardly man.” Well, I think that's it, we've arrived! Nice girls are driven to despair by weak men and are ready to take drastic measures.
In order not to kill a cowardly man, his qualities need to be “considered from the very beginning,” without rushing to “jump” into a relationship with him.
So, 5 signs of a weak man:

1. Victim mindset/loser mindset. This kind of thinking includes: blaming everyone and everything for one’s failures, a complete refusal to take responsibility for one’s life, shifting this very responsibility onto anyone, from one’s own parents to the president of the country. And as a consequence of the above, we come to the second point.

1. Professes the rule of life: “Better a bird in the hands than a pie in the sky,” that is refusal of any risks in life. He will work at a boring and hated job, dreaming that if it weren’t for “this stupid city, this stupid government, these women are all mercantile bitches,” then his dream of working at his favorite job would come true.

1. Boasting and bravado. The number of “fairy tales” told to women (especially on first dates) simply puts Charles Perrault and the Brothers Grimm to shame. So all his stories about his merits, accomplishments and achievements must be “divided by 50” and “removing the spaghetti from your ears with a fork.”

1. Inability to cope with any stress on an emotional level. Any, even the slightest problem drives him into a stupor, and the subsequent reaction may be to go into “another reality”: drinking, drugs, promiscuous sex, computer games, pornography, or indeed “departure to another world.”

Man and cowardice are, at first glance, two contradictory concepts. However, the fact that a man is not afraid of mice and cockroaches, bloody scenes in films and even skydiving does not make him a daredevil. There are more than enough cowards, although their fears are more of a social nature.

Cowardly Lover

Lisa knows very well what the expression “cut the rug out from under your feet” means. Two months of a cloudless romantic relationship with her beloved ended one day when her friend simply stopped picking up the phone. Attempts to find out nothing yielded nothing. For several days of silence, Lisa almost went crazy, and then in Odnoklassniki she received a letter from him: “You are very good, but I have a lot of work now, and I cannot afford to take you lightly. Let's remain friends." The only thing that helped her survive the painful blow was the understanding that, fortunately, she did not have to throw in her lot with such a coward.

With the advent of SMS, the Internet and social networks, real freedom has come for cowards! If you want to break up with your girlfriend - no problem: a short message - and you are free, you can go drink beer with friends. You don’t need to look into the eyes of your abandoned loved one, you don’t need to answer questions. Paradise! And what is happening to her is purely her personal grief.

The lowest cowardice is the inability to take responsibility for one's actions. You can safely cross this guy off the list of real men.

Cowardly boss

Marina has been working as a deputy general director in a large company for many years. There are many employees, and staff turnover is a constant phenomenon. I am satisfied with my work, but there is one “but”. “I have already developed a guilt complex! - she complains. - Every time the boss decides to fire someone, he entrusts this “honorable mission” to me, citing the fact that he has enough things to do. You have no idea how difficult it is to tell an employee that he is fired. Someone has a family, someone has a mother, someone is crying, someone is angry, but it’s up to me to listen to everything! Let him endure it all himself!”

Yes, the boss is an important, serious and always busy person. But this is not a reason to entrust your work to deputies, secretaries or other representatives. After all, the decision to fire an employee is made by the boss, which means he must be able to say so. It’s just a pity that there are few brave souls who can say this to his face.

Cowardly friend

“I hate these male “fraternities”! - Anya complains. - After a couple of glasses, my husband starts acting like an idiot! He’s ready to take off his shirt for his friends; he runs to them at the first call! One day in the middle of the night someone called and asked to meet me from the airport. My husband, naturally, went. I was proud that this was male friendship, I don’t understand. And this “friend” later, when he got married, didn’t even invite him to the wedding!”

Poems and songs have been written and films have been made about male friendship. Men look down on the so-called female friendship and condescendingly pat their friend on the shoulder: they say, well, be friends, be friends... until the first purchase of identical dresses. Only some people don’t even suspect that their relationships with friends have nothing to do with real male friendship. A coward man needs company to assert himself, and he will do his best to create it and try not to leave the “pride.” Friends invite you to a bar, but he has already promised his girlfriend an evening at home? It’s okay, the friend will survive, because a cowardly man is very scared that he may not be invited a second time. In general, it’s basically hard for him to say “no.” It's hard and scary.

And there is also the other side of the coin: “you and I”, “we are for you”, and when the time comes - “I understand you, but my hut is on the edge.” As Leo Tolstoy said, a cowardly friend is worse than an enemy, because you fear the enemy, but rely on your friend.

Where do cowardly men come from?

The so-called social coward is a cowardly person with weak willpower and weak self-confidence. Unlike depression, cowardice is a character trait, and not a temporary state of the human psyche. Therefore, you should not have much hope that the coward will change. It's only in fairy tales that the Cowardly Lion is willing to do anything to gain courage. Real “cowardly lions” are fine anyway.

Where does cowardice come from? Like many of our problems and complexes, they come from childhood. During puberty, especially among male teenagers, the struggle for dominance in the group and the assertion of one’s “ego” begins to be clearly aggressive in nature (hello to school fights “class against class”). Against the background of this struggle, a number of adolescents develop a defensive reaction, expressed in submission with traces of hidden aggression. This defense subsequently leads to the development of cowardice - fear of open conflict and actions on the sly. When a boy grows up, cowardice can transform into cunning, but cunning is not good, and has nothing to do with ingenuity.

Is your man not a coward?

If you happen to fall in love with a coward, for a long time you won’t even suspect it. When the first delights from the candy-bouquet period pass, take a closer look at his behavior and carefully ask about past novels. The first sign of cowardice is blaming the woman for everything, impartial words addressed to her and harsh criticism.

The concept of “cowardice” is very broad, and accusations of cowardice can be very controversial. If a young man, in response to attacks from hooligans, does not start a fight with them, this is prudence. If he doesn’t introduce a girl to her parents for 5 months, that’s reluctance. And if he doesn’t want to join the army, it’s a desire to build a career. Or is it cowardice?

Have you ever dealt with cowardly men?

Rarely does a get-together with girlfriends go without discussing how cowardly and irresponsible modern men are. Psychologist Tatyana Strashuk believes that before labeling, you should understand the reasons for the behavior of your chosen one.

Just recently he said that you are his only one. And then suddenly disappeared without explanation. Now he hides and doesn't answer the phone when you call. And you cry into your friend’s vest, in your hearts calling him a coward. And really, why doesn’t he have the courage to admit honestly, looking into his eyes, that he no longer wants to continue the relationship?

Men and women cannot be measured by the same yardstick, warns psychologist Tatyana Strashuk. - Women often treat men without understanding how different we are. A woman, like a fish in water, feels in the inner “circle”. This is family, home, relationships with loved ones. The nature of a man is in external activity: conquest, work, protection, action. For the same reason, a man’s emotional sphere is not as developed as a woman’s. Most men, even when they discover moments of sensitivity in themselves, are afraid of them, considering them unmanly.

Thus, for a woman, emotions are her kingdom, for a man they are something dangerous and alarming. This is not their sphere, here they feel like “snakes in a hot frying pan.” And if a woman can have intimate conversations with her friends for hours, then for a man such conversations are a moment of extreme, almost intimate openness and vulnerability. And if so, then there is always the danger of “missing a shot.” Therefore, it is much easier for a man to prefer action to talking, even if the action is the choice of inaction, that is, avoiding the problem.

Now is it clear why your chosen one chose to hide instead of sorting things out with you? And indeed, many men admit that it is easier for them to “get punched in the face” than to be judged, to feel humiliated and insulted. But this is precisely what a man fears most in conflict situations.

So many men’s actions, which seem to us cowardice and baseness, are actually explained by fear of their own experiences and feelings. By avoiding solving problems, a man seems to forget about what worries him. Just because he's hiding and not answering his phone doesn't mean he's disrespectful towards you. He hides from himself, and at the same time protects his self-esteem. The fear of one’s own experiences, which will certainly arise at the moment of a difficult “debriefing” in a relationship, turns on such unconscious defense mechanisms in the psyche.

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As soon as your friend became pregnant, her companion began to shake like a leaf. And then he asked for a time out and went to his mother for two weeks. And the husband of your other friend has been wiping his pants in a hateful position for several years now, receiving neither moral nor material satisfaction. At the same time, he desperately clings to this place, afraid of losing what he has. And at the women’s council you give both poor fellows a categorical diagnosis: a coward, an irresponsible infantile, a mama’s boy.

– You may have noticed that different people react differently to danger. Some freeze - fear paralyzes them, others, on the contrary, react quickly and flee. What may seem natural to a woman, such as pregnancy, may be perceived by a man as a signal of danger. And... escape.

In general, fear of responsibility is a fairly common phenomenon, especially in our time. And not only for men. Often it stems from an incorrect attitude towards the very concept of responsibility. In my practice, I have encountered the fact that the very word “responsibility” evokes fear and rejection in many. This means that everything that is directly or indirectly related to responsibility will be reflected in fear until a person realizes that in fact responsibility is something that happens to him every moment of his life, whether he wants it or not, whether he accepts it or not. it or runs from it. Because only the person himself is responsible for his life and everything that happens in it. It is he who receives all the consequences from his actions, thoughts, and words.

As long as a person is under the illusion that someone or something outside is responsible for what is happening to him, he will behave childishly and immaturely towards himself and others. Only the awareness that I and only I am the master of my life, the cause and effect of what is happening, allows a person to accept ALL the consequences of his actions.

What are the causes of irresponsible and immature behavior?

♦ A man in a family could be treated like a child for a long time, not trusting him with important matters. Therefore, he is accustomed to the fact that he is not the one who makes all the important decisions. In adult life, especially at critical moments, he reacts in a similar way - like a child who is waiting for someone to come and decide everything for him. And he lets everything take its course. After all, he lacks experience in accepting responsibility, faith in himself and his ability to make decisions.

♦ The man has subconsciously internalized the irresponsible behavior pattern of his father or other significant men in his family.

♦ The boy grew up without a father, and his mother performed two roles. At the same time, she did not cultivate masculine qualities in the child, did not explain male functions and psychological differences between the sexes. Especially if the child was the “navel of the universe,” and he was assigned only the royal role of “mama’s boy.” In adult life, such a man will expect decisions and actions from a woman, sincerely offended by demands to bear responsibility for his words and actions, not understanding why this is expected of him.

Is it possible to change a man's behavior?

Knowing the reasons makes it easier to understand the situation, but does not change it, says Tatyana Strashuk. - No one can ever change or remake anyone without personal desire. A person can influence something only through himself, realizing his own mistakes. And here the most important thing is the understanding of the woman herself, that she met just such a man for a reason, with something in herself she attracted him into her life. Apparently, some subconscious signals are emanating from her to the world around her, which are in tune with a man of such behavior. If they treat you irresponsibly, lie to you, then this most likely means that you are doing this to yourself. This means that it is possible to change this situation by researching: WHAT ABOUT ME attracts irresponsible and cowardly men into my life? Our relationships with the world, and especially with men, reflect our relationships with ourselves. After all, the world is a mirror in which everyone sees their own reflection.

Tatyana Koryakina