Olkis

Hello! Help me please! I have been dating a guy for 5 years, we have been living together for a year. Every year I am more and more disappointed in him .. The biggest in this moment the problem is that he simply never defends me .. Even in many situations where it will be clear to a fool that I am right .. But he simply remains silent, or even worse, without understanding, takes the position of the enemy .. All friends and guys I know are such defenders .. And they don’t understand who is right and who is wrong, but they simply protect their soulmate .. And I’m already starting to feel like a peasant myself .. After all, I stand up for myself and for him myself .. I’m a meter strong. And my boyfriend is 2 meters tall + CCM in boxing! But for 5 years he never interceded .. Once, on the contrary, he even contributed to a fight between me and another person who humiliated everyone in the group, including me .. And our last quarrel .. It’s very insulting to me now .. I stood up for him, in As a result, opponents ran into me and he himself blurted out something in their defense! And in the end, I’m shit for everyone .. The most offensive thing is that even I always protect him, and I’m a girl .. And he didn’t say a word in my defense for 5 years .. Is it worth building a relationship with such a person at all? It would be time for me to have children soon .. And I can’t do anything about it .. I’ve endured all this for so many years .. And I can’t do anything with myself, because I love him madly .. So I endure .. But I know that and he loves me.. What should I do? Suddenly, children will not be protected .. ((

Hello Olkis.
You write:

The biggest problem at the moment is that he simply never defends me .. Even in many situations where it will be clear to the fool that I am right .. And he simply remains silent, or even worse, without understanding, he takes the position of the enemy.

From your words it turns out that you have an idea about the situations in which a man should protect. And it does not seem to coincide with his idea, since he acts somehow differently than you imagine.
I know from experience that they take the position of the other when it is seen that the other needs protection.
Tell me, have you ever thought that maybe you don't look to him like someone who needs to be protected?

Is it worth building a relationship with such a person at all? It would be time for me to have children soon .. And I can’t do anything about it .. I’ve endured all this for so many years .. And I can’t do anything with myself, because I love him madly .. So I endure .. But I know that and he loves me.. What should I do? Suddenly, children will not be protected .. ((

You write that you endure and endure. I correctly understood that YOU have never discussed with your friend the topic of your need for his protection?

Alkis, hello!
You want to feel protected, you are worried that your man will not be able to protect not only you, but also your family, and everyone will be able to offend you and your future children.
Have you discussed the issue of protecting and supporting each other with your man? Did you say what you would like?

Olkis

Oh sure. I have repeatedly talked to him and every time he says that he understood me and that he needs to improve .. But nothing changes .. I don’t know what to do anymore ..

Yes, I have already discussed this problem with him more than once .. And he says a lot, he justifies himself a lot, tells me what he will do next time .. But the next time the same thing happens .. All his surrounding friends somehow want to to protect me .. And earlier he behaved in a completely different way .. But now apparently he’s used to the fact that I’m always there, that I won’t go anywhere .. Therefore, he probably thinks that nothing needs to be done .. I don’t think that he thinks I don't need to be protected..

Oh sure. I have repeatedly talked to him and every time he says that he understood me and that he needs to improve .. But nothing changes .. I don’t know what to do anymore ..

Olkis

And what kind of help do you need in connection with what you have described?

I would like help in solving this problem. I love this person very much and I don’t want our relationship to fall apart from not being able to resolve this conflict. Before, he was completely different. Literally carried me in his arms. He scolded me if I even take off my gloves for a short time in winter. And everything like that. was romantic, did interesting gifts(did them really with soul). We started dating in 9th grade. Everything changed when, after the 9th grade, I decided to go to study with him. I entered the same college as him, in the same faculty. From that moment on, he gradually began to change. He seemed to relax, as if convinced that I was not going anywhere from him now. When I was in my 4th year, my family (parents and brother and sister) moved to another city. AT Big city. I returned back to our city because of my boyfriend. Because he didn't want to move to a big city. And in our city there is no work, women can go basically only as a seller to work. Salary for salespeople 6-10 thousand. Even less in the factory. I call him to another city because of unemployment in this one, but he finds all sorts of excuses. For example, when I start such a conversation, he says: "what to discuss when there is no extra money for moving? We will talk about money." When more than enough money appeared for the move, he says: “Have you decided to move right now? Are you serious? And in general, we won’t have enough money!” As a result, I am alone in this city and besides him I have no one here .. (Here is another problem.

Olkis

Olkis, did I understand correctly that the problem is that, on the one hand, you love him, and on the other hand, you don’t like much about him?

Yes, probably so. But this is exactly the person with whom I would like to build a family.

Olkis

List the reasons why you want to start a family with him.
And then list the points that you do not like about it.

Olkins, apparently I was not accurate in my request when I asked you to list the advantages and disadvantages point by point. I will do it myself:
Advantages ... Disadvantages
1. Decent...1. Irresponsible
2. Far from stupid...2. Inattentive
3. Honest...3. Doesn't take care of me
4. Kind...4. Doesn't stand up for me
5. Caring in many ways...5. He lacks independence
6. Devotee...6. Does not worry about me as I worry about him
7. Handsome
8. Strong
9. Cute
10. Clean
11. Interesting
12. Self-sufficient
13. Charming
14. Gallant
15. Always helps me
16. Hardworking
17. Ambitious
18. He loves children
19. Loves animals
20. Honors family traditions
21. When he is close to me, it feels good, he is like a part of my soul, and if he leaves somewhere, I can’t find a place for myself .. As if a part of my soul was torn off.

21 one advantage against 6 disadvantages...
Does it give you something now?

Olkis

21 one advantage against 6 disadvantages....
Does it give you something now?

Yes, I understand that good qualities there are much more than bad ones in it .. But here is one of the shortcomings, I consider it a very serious problem .. Because, it seems to me, any man should protect his girlfriend. And I’m not just a girl to him anymore, we’ve been living together for 2 years .. You can say in civil marriage.. But in general, we have been together for 5 years already. And now he doesn’t just stand up for the girl, we’re already like a small family .. It seems to me that this shouldn’t happen at all .. He’s a man, after all .. It really hurts me .. ((
Maybe the whole point is that he received the main part of his upbringing from his mother? Because the father did not particularly participate in this .. But in any case, something needs to be done with this .. This is not the norm .. But I don’t know what to do .. ((

Together 6 years We have one common child child, and my daughter from my first marriage This is to characterize the family) I have always respected and treat my husband’s personal space, interests, I am interested in his hobbies .. I have always been good to his friends I have never allowed myself to say something bad. I grew up in a family in a family where dad respected mom, And mom respected dad, was his support and support, his dignity! especially friends.
It happened recently that a close friend of his at our wedding... punched me in the face. I’m not a stupid person, I tried to get away from the conflict, I just disappeared, spoke, reassured .. translated topics to avoid conflict ... because this is a friend of my beloved ... and I didn’t want anything bad for anyone .. I tried to convey to my husband that he tries to pinch his cheek, to give a slap in the face. But my words were ignored, in the end they accused me of this ..... It was a year ago there they officially registered the marriage, to this day they asked me for forgiveness .. and another friend After a while insulted me in public and tore off my daughter's christening, where he was supposed to be a godfather of his own free will...
The model of behavior taken from his father turned out just recently and he was never the protector of the family and his woman. I dreamed that it was important for me how to save my family. I love this person, I appreciate and know what he is sometimes capable of ... was ... I do not limit meetings with friends. I respect, I even share his interests.
Belgorod try to talk to him to tell him how I feel from these moments. Not blaming, but with a request to understand how painful it is, I’m scared ... That if such an attitude is towards me, then they don’t respect him either .. they don’t want to hear and understand me .. everything suits him ... It’s scary that when choosing between friends and me - they will not choose me, protect not me, help not me ...
I want to keep the relationship. Because I love, I appreciate everything that we have been building for a long time ... I don’t indulge in everything, I didn’t spoil it .. where necessary and put it in its place and vice versa, I understood his desires without limiting. How to make him begin to defend my honor and even more so ...
I am pretty, active and sociable.. not a blue stocking, an interesting person.. not a kneader, watching her husband in fear of betrayal... Doing nothing else... complex on legs.
How to Reach Out? explain... To protect me and not look like it hurts, insulting. They clap their eyelashes and food with happiness, that he is with golden hands, when he succeeds in doing something ... Although I can do a lot. He has support and respect in the family. She invested a lot of her energy in establishing their relationship with a child from another marriage.
I do not forget to remind him of the duties, as a man, head, a person who must secure housing for his offspring, at least...
Everything is collapsing terribly .. conversations do not bring understanding .. he says that he loves, cannot live .. etc ..
But .. my strength is not endless ... And there is pride .. what to do .. how to act ... is there a chance to change something ... at a dead end

I think that each of us expects that close person stand by our side and protect us. But for some reason my husband does exactly the opposite. There may be several reasons:

1. Perhaps he has accumulated irritation, anger at you, which he cannot express directly, but when an opportunity arises, he gladly joins your offenders.
2. Are you always "innocent"? Perhaps he just wants to be on the side of the truth, and nothing personal. And you expect protection from him, no matter what.
3. Do you stand up for him when your voice is needed? If not, then it's probably mutual.
4. If this happens often, then this may be a symptom that in your relationship, both of you are deeply unhappy with something and it's time to change something.
But you can understand this only through your dialogue with your husband, asking him, without blaming, what is happening? What does not suit? Explaining what you expect from him (protection, etc.) and asking what he thinks about this. If the husband does not make contact, then it is possible to find out through a conversation with a psychologist who can give recommendations specifically for your family situation.

Sincerely,
psychologist Irina Shashkova

Question to the psychologist:

Good afternoon!

Help, please, to understand the situation, which has been going on for 13 years. My husband and I met for 2 years before marriage and our relationship was perfect, with my mother-in-law were also good. Everything changed after the wedding, when they all began to live together in the mother-in-law's house. Especially after the birth of a child, she simply began to wedge, she did not even congratulate me on returning from the hospital on the birth of her daughter and began to reproach me for being a bad mother and calling my daughter the wrong name that I christened. The husband did not take any part, silently sat out, did not get up on my side. In private, he always answered my reproaches: my mother is good! Of course she is good for him, but not for me. In the end, we moved out to a rented apartment, but his mother just hates me with all her heart. Now the situation has come to a standstill, because my husband's brother has also joined the mother-in-law, she sets everyone against me. I tried to talk to my husband that you are the head new family I am obliged to protect my wife and family, say a word for me at least once and this will all stop. And so the situation grows like a snowball, because his relatives understand that he will never say or do anything to them. On my last visit, forced on my father-in-law's birthday, the situation seemed absurd to me. Neither my mother-in-law, nor my brother-husband, nor his wife spoke a word to me. My husband is on a flight, without him I do not come to them lately. But on the DR it was inconvenient to refuse and I did not want to upset my husband. I love him and want to save my family, but he does not hear me and says that he does not understand. Without details, I told him that all this situation had a bad effect on our relationship, his mother wants me to survive from the family. He is silent again, says that it is I who is opposed to everyone, that's why it turns out that way. What to do? I understand mom and dad are relatives - it’s easier to change a wife. Leave this family and him along with his relatives, because he will never be able to stand up for me? And he himself has been calling me lately and often breaks into a scream or irritation for no reason. He was always affectionate with me and loving, I begin to think that he is cheating on me, I can’t find the reason for his behavior, which translates a lack of respect for me. Increasingly, he compares me with my mother, who is a very specific lady and we also have a difficult relationship with her. Help me figure out how to deal with my husband.

The psychologist Andrianova Anzhelika Viktorovna answers the question.

Hello Xenia.

The current family situation is divided into two opposite camps: on the one hand, you, and on the other hand, your husband's relatives. The husband himself is in the middle, but his opinion depends on the majority. Consider this situation from the outside, how two opposite sides accuse each other of various sins, there is a confrontation between the two sides, and you are a member of one of the parties. Everyone pulls a blanket over himself. Naturally, in this scenario, the strongest will win (which is what the mother-in-law does, connects her relatives). If you want to participate in this "family battle", then you need to strengthen your position and find those who will be for you, that is, support you (I have others, not a husband). there is another position in this situation, when you give up and agree with your mother-in-law that you are "bad" and you cannot be changed and let them accept you as you are, and reinforce your position with your husband and say that he loves you and what a good fellow he is.

There is another option, when you simply break off all relations with these relatives, then it will become much more difficult for your husband to live between two opposites that ignore each other.

Such options lead to tension and the collapse of either a family or family relationships. .

It is possible to consider from a different point of view this situation. Ask yourself the question: why do you need such a situation when there are opposing sides that are fighting for influence on her husband.

If you are honest with yourself, you will get many different answers, it is important to work with them, that is, to realize your actions, then you can change your life.