- No, we haven't eaten the last one yet.

1 year ago

Girl, does your mother need a son-in-law?
- Not.
- And dad's drinking buddy?

Hello, does your mother need a son-in-law?
- Needed.
- ...
- So what's next? So will you be silent?
- Fuck knows, I've never gone that far.

Guys who say to girls: “Does your mother need a son-in-law?” Are not necessarily pushing up, maybe they are stupidly trafficking in people.

Girl, does your mother need a son-in-law?
- Yes, the old one will gnaw and it will be required!

A man walks into a jewelry store.
Sales girl:
- Oh, man, it's good that you came to us, March 8 is coming soon and we have two weeks
20% discount. Buy something for your girlfriend. Here I can offer a pendant, gold, in the shape of a heart, your girlfriend will really like it.
Man (sadly):
- I don't have a girlfriend...
Saleswoman coquettishly:
- Yes you! Such a prominent, handsome, tall man - and no girl?
Why?!
Man (even sadder):
- My wife won't let me.

I have a girl friend. Engaged in equestrian sports. Enough
long and successful. Dangled with her around the city and then she remembered that she
you need to buy vaseline - with it, horses are cleaned. We turn into
nearest pharmacy. The girl approaches the window, where the following dialogue takes place:
Hello, do you have vaseline?
- Yes, please, with banana flavor, apple flavor, strawberry flavor...
- No, I need a normal one.
- Girl, but just as interesting! Here with apple, with strawberry ...
- No, you don't understand, I need a regular one!
- Girl, why don't you like this?
- Yes, you do not understand me for the horse!
Silent scene. Smoothly stretching face of the saleswoman...

You don't need an iPhone, you need a hat so that your brains don't freeze and good book that will make you a man. I would also buy a bouquet for my mother. Just.

Life only makes sense if someone needs you on this Earth! Here you are, Izya, do people need you?
- Still as need!
- To whom exactly?
- To my creditors...

The son-in-law says to the mother-in-law: Mother-in-law, and drive me for cigarettes! I give a thousand. Surrender is yours. Mother-in-law ran. The son-in-law calls again. Mother-in-law, and drive me for a beer! I give five thousand, Surrender - to you. Mother-in-law - run to the store. The phone rings, the wife says: Honey, did you give Mom a pension? Husband: I give slowly ...

The phone rings in the office:
- Hello, do you need a head of personnel department?
- No, it's not needed.
"Then why the hell are you holding him?"

At the pharmacy:
- Not!
- What about "Cellulito Disappeared"?
-Not!
- And "Self-Weight Is Lost"?

At the pharmacy:
- Do you have "Anti Rastolstin"?
- Not!
- And "Cellulito Disappeared"?
- Not!
- And "Self-Weight Is Lost"?
- Girl, you need "LessNeedZhratidin,MoreReverseShevelin and RefrigeratorUnsuitable"

At the pharmacy:
- Do you have "Anti Rastolstin"?
- Not!
- And "Cellulito Disappeared"?
- Not!
- And "Self-Weight Is Lost"?
- Girl, you need "LessNeedZhratidin,MoreReverseShevelin and RefrigeratorUnsuitable"

A man in a toy store with his son.
- I got that car for 100 rubles.
Here's a call to him. He spoke.
- A girl, and that doll over there.
- Dad, but I don't have a sister!
- Don't tell your mom anything!
And then a call to his son from his mother.
- Mom, everything is fine! Can you imagine, the folder buys me a radio-controlled car for 2000!

At the disco. A girl is sitting at the bar. A guy approaches her.
- Girl, do you dance?
- Yes.
- Then go and dance for a while, otherwise I need a chair.

Another day of your life has passed. And it differs from the previous one only in the color of your underpants .... And that's not a fact.

Morning. The son-in-law is sitting on the porch, smoking. The mother-in-law comes out with a broom.
Son-in-law:
- Mom, are you getting out or flying somewhere?

By the shoes of a woman, you can always determine whether she needs a man or not. If suede studs, then you need it, if uggs are ugly, then she is happy.

The son-in-law and the mother-in-law are sitting in the kitchen. The son-in-law, tired of another senseless argument, thinks aloud:
- Oh, it would be nice to send you into space.

A man comes home and says to his mother-in-law:
- Mother-in-law, go get a beer...
- Here's another, so I, you, for a beer? Yes, never...
- The store is close, only it will go down to the first floor from the third. I give you a thousand, buy beer, change is yours!
The mother-in-law thought, well, the money will not be superfluous, so she went. The son-in-law drank beer, again to the mother-in-law:
- Mother-in-law, drive for vodka ...
- Here's another, so I, you, for vodka? Yes, never...
The store is close, only it will go down to the first floor from the third. I give you a thousand, buy vodka, change is yours!
Well, the mother-in-law again thinks that the money is not superfluous and went ...
The man, not having finished drinking vodka, calls his mother-in-law and says:
- Let me crack spelled for you with a slipper!
- The mother-in-law again indignantly begins to shout something, but her exclamations calm down when the son-in-law offers 2 thousand ...
Well, that means it cracked, the mother-in-law ran into the kitchen to count the money, and suddenly the bell rang ...
The man picks up the phone, and there the wife asks:
- Did you give your mom a pension? the man replies:
Yes, I'm giving it away...

My son-in-law and mother-in-law are having breakfast in the kitchen. The son-in-law cuts the sausage into a sandwich. Mother-in-law:
- Zyatek, cut off the sausages.
“Mom, I can’t be so subtle.

Yes, yes, mother, I remember everything. Tomorrow at four near the shopping center on Trubetskoy, - holding the cell phone with my shoulder, I answered, in parallel turning over the pancakes in a small and already rather old frying pan. Have you already decided what to buy? - Not yet, but I think we'll come up with something on the spot. Oh, I can’t even believe it, our Vikusik is already a year old. - And do not say. It would seem that only yesterday they danced at Alice's wedding, and today the nephew is already a year old. How fast time flies. - Exactly, Yana! Time does not stand still. You are already twenty-six! When will you finally make me happy? I don’t stutter about children, at least find a husband for a start! - Mom, let's not talk about it. Everything will appear over time: husband, children, and even grandchildren. Now excuse me, I have to go. See you tomorrow, -quickly turned the conversation. I know what will begin now: “Alice is three years younger than you, and she has both a husband and a child. How long can you sit in the girls? When will I finally see my son-in-law? Blah blah blah. Every time the same thing. I don’t understand where she got this obsession to shove me into someone’s wife? I thought Alice's marriage would help a little, but it got even worse. I'm only twenty-six. Still ahead. Why hurry? Moreover, my last serious relationship was a whole year ago, and they ended not so hot. I took a deep breath and put my spatula and fork away. I no longer wanted pancakes. She turned off the stove and went into the bedroom, where there was a huge full-length mirror. “After all, it’s really nothing,” I thoughtfully noted, examining my reflection. Pretty tall (1.75m), the figure is not bad, considering my native second and a half, almost third, chest size, certainly not thin, but acceptable waist and beautiful rounded hips. The face is pretty too. A straight small nose, plump lips that do not even need to be painted, they are already bright crimson in color, small, but stand out on the face Blue eyes and my pride is black curled up long eyelashes. At the age of sixteen, her hair went from light caramel blue-black. And yes, I have a short haircut, for convenience. The Lord also did not stint on the mind, as many letters and diplomas that are hung on the wall in the bedroom speak eloquently. The question is, what else is needed for happiness? But my mother has her own opinion on all this ... Ehh, I will not continue to boringly rant, cleaning is still waiting for me ... The next day. Shopping center. For the third hour we have been stuck in this paradise for shopaholics. Dozens of shops, hundreds of signs and shop windows, an incredible variety of goods and ... my buzzing legs ... Yes, yes, the latter does not inspire optimism at all. Of course, I am a woman and the love of shopping is in my blood, but this hike is too much. And the worst thing is that we never chose a gift for my nephew and my mother's granddaughter. - Well, what about the second run? Mom smiled incredibly cheerfully. Honestly, it wasn't me who moaned. Okay, okay, me. I just don't see how it's possible? Does she have an endless supply of energy drinks in her blood? Or maybe the batteries, where are they hidden? - Can we first decide what we will buy? Well, it's actually easier. And then we'll figure it out on the spot, we'll figure it out on the spot. Checked-nichrome we will not understand. We start with suits, we end with walkers. And so it is in every store. “We’ll figure it out on the spot,” my mother smiles sweetly, and my teeth will soon begin to crumble, so I squeeze them. Oh, the sooner we start, the sooner we finish. Legs, my legs. All the same, in vain I put on heels instead of ballet shoes. We wandered along the shopping corridors for another twenty minutes. But luck does not always have to turn its backside in front of us. Finally, she decided to show off her front. But we did find a good gift - a comfortable, roomy arena. Another fifteen minutes we spent to buy products for the cake, which I wanted to bake. Maybe the baby will not appreciate it, but her mother is so very much. Alice has always had a sweet tooth. Now let's go to my house, although it was possible to call a taxi, but my beloved mother wanted to breathe fresh air. So prem: she is light and I am with a large bag in one hand and a huge box in the other. - Isn't today a wonderful day? mother balked. - The most beautiful, - I echoed her gloomily. And she was in her own thoughts. I have to leave work early tomorrow. I work as a lawyer in a very popular publishing house, so I get good money. At least I have enough for everything, I can also treat myself. I think the boss will let go. Recently, there are not so many contracts. The wave of writers is beginning to dissipate little by little. But this, thank God, almost does not bear losses. So in my thoughts I did not notice that my mother lagged behind. - Ma, what are you behind? - Laces, - short and clear. And this is from my mom? It's strange ... - Okay, catch up, - But I didn't even have time to take three steps, as I buried myself in some kind of man. Having quickly looked him over, she noticed light-wheat hair, dimples on his cheeks, high growth (half my head higher) and good muscles, which the expensive suit did not hide. Love and look no further. Hands unpleasantly delayed purchases, which aroused irritation in me. Maybe just spit on everything and send everyone to the forest? Unfortunately no. Education sickens ... - Girl, and your mother does not need a son-in-law? they asked in a beautiful deep voice. A second to realize what was said, and then like a bomb explosion: - No! Not! We don't need it, thanks! -and this one there too! Stuffed into sons-in-law! Run, stupid man, while you can! Run! Otherwise, no laces will stop mom! Here he seems to be going to leave ... Yes, yes, dear, hurry up ... Come on ... - Wait, young man! Wait! Needed, still needed! -heard from behind, and a frustrated groan escapes me. Late! Did not have time! - Mom, let's go faster. Please, but all my requests are shattered against a granite wall called "Marry Jan." - Mom, let's go home. We still have to bake a cake, - I did not give up and continued to beg the woman who brought me into the world and raised me. “Wait a minute,” mum hissed in response. - Number, write the number! Or remember! Just remember well! -and she did it. Dictated my fucking number. But what finally finished me off was the last question thrown: - Are you a respectable citizen? -Who asks this AFTER they gave the number? “The most respectable of all that can be,” his cheerful answer came to us, followed by a quiet laugh. Well, they also laughed at us ... Ehh, mom, mom.