I beg you to help me and give little advice how to be and what to do in this situation. The story is like this. I met a boy, I loved him very much. Everything was great with us. But I was afraid of my love. I could not admit to myself that I love him, and I was completely confused in my feelings. And I decided that I had no feelings for him, and said these terrible words to him, which I now regret very much. I told him we'd better break up. And we broke up.

But the next day, I became depressed. I hated myself and everyone around me. I fought with everyone. I was terribly ill. Everything seemed so eerie and gray to me, there was a feeling that the ground under my feet simply simply failed. I realized that I really love him, I want to be with him all my life. But he was no longer there, he was far away.

I live in the city of Vladikavkaz, he is in the city of Beslan. Beslan is considered by everyone to be a village, and all young people study in Vladikavkaz. And so I suffered ... I wrote him SMS, asked for forgiveness ... begged him to return. But all without results, and then I was generally in a panic ... I screamed at everyone, I was irritable.

Now I got his home phone number. Recently I wanted to call, but I could not say anything as soon as I heard his voice ... so distant, beloved and dear. I was afraid again ... but is it worth it?

I doubt my feelings again... although I know that I love... I'm completely confused... I don't know what to do. I'm afraid ... I'm afraid that everything will be like this again ... I really ask you for advice ... Sincerely, Julia ...

Julia, hello! To give you some kind of recommendation, you need to be clearly sure what you want. However, let's figure out what kind of contradictions you have, and what they can come from. And then we will look for ways out and solutions of what to do. Sometimes, to understand how much you love a person, you just need to break up, quit, or change. A person begins to feel guilty and perceive their feelings in a new way.

Since you doubt whether you love him, it is all the more difficult for me to determine this. Because feelings after you broke up can be the result of attachment and fear of loneliness. Julia, think about whether you are deceiving yourself in your love, is it not fear just to be left alone?

Now for his reaction. A smart man who respects a woman, as a rule, respects her feelings, opinions and actions. Therefore, having heard unflattering words about himself, having heard your doubts, he took seriously the fact that you do not want to be with him. Unfortunately, I don’t know what you said to him, what specific phrases, because these could also be words that deeply hurt both his pride and his feelings.

About your reaction. It seems to me that it is your female pride that gets annoyed and throws itself at everyone in revenge for the fact that he took and left, did not humiliate himself and ask you to return. You just can't deal with it. You couldn't even force yourself to call and apologize, tell him about your feelings.

Julia, before taking further steps to return him, you should calm down and think very hard about everything that happened between you. I don't know, did you break off a long term relationship or was it just the beginning? It matters. Why did you doubt your feelings? What made you say these terrible words to him: a desire to attract his attention, resentment towards him, an emotional outburst (you talk a lot about your emotions, maybe this is the reason). However, all this has a reason. And the reason is you.

If you want to return a person, you need to tell him about your feelings, ask for forgiveness. But he will believe you if he loves you himself, if he is sure of your sincerity, and will not see your doubts again. If you, having understood yourself, understand that your feelings are a simple unwillingness to be alone, fear of loneliness or ordinary affection, you should not torture yourself and young man. Since such relationships end sooner or later, only the longer this relationship, the more painful it is to leave. I wish you to understand yourself, good luck!

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Ariel

Good afternoon. I met a man a couple of years ago, moreover, we work together, he is my boss, he had a civil wife, I have a young man. The man showed me signs of attention, was repeatedly interested in his personal life, told me how his girlfriend was jealous of me (for not known reasons, since there was absolutely nothing between us) he called his wife, as if in jest, but meanwhile it was read in his eyes that he was not joking, to which he received a harsh phrase from me, saying that I don’t need such a husband. I blurted out this phrase and coldly treated all signs of attention, because I considered it not right and not beautiful deed to accept signs of attention from a person who already has a serious relationship, and it just annoyed me that he allows himself this, he is not a womanizer, but I felt sorry for his girlfriend, and of course I didn’t have any thoughts to respond positively to his attempts, despite the fact that I repeatedly caught myself thinking that I like him. Meanwhile, loyalty and upbringing forced him to rebuff. about a year and a half ago, he broke up with his common-law wife, and immediately we began a terrible relationship, for some reason he tried to set me up in everything, did terrible things, and then let slip that he ex girlfriend I tried to bewitch him (hence I concluded that there is a possibility that where the love spell is there and the lapel and she could harm me with this, since his attitude towards me for the worse began suddenly!) after half a year of this nightmare, (rejecting her boyfriend’s offer get married, I also became free. And already being free) I endured a disgusting attitude towards myself for another half a year. but since the new year, just as suddenly as he broke loose, he became an ideal person, we reconciled and became even closer than we were at the very beginning of our acquaintance. Meanwhile, he does not know that I have been free for a long time, and he did not have a serious relationship. he repeatedly told me that he was alone, but I just can’t find the right words to make it clear that I'm free. Moreover, recently I realized that I fell in love with him. Now I don't know how to behave better. Please tell me how to behave with a man whom I sent off, and now I realized that I fell in love. what should be done, how to let him know that he is free and now he is interesting?
I sent him off in such ways: to attempts to call me a wife, I sharply answered that I did not need such a husband. To attempts to take an interest in her personal life, she answered that there was a boyfriend (and yes, at that time he was). Then there was a not very clear situation - I wore an engagement ring (then we had the peak of a negative relationship with the boss), then I broke up with the guy, took off the ring and right there, literally the next day, the boss, as if again jokingly, answered the question of my colleagues for me - when I get married - no one calls, right? I said nothing. but I thought, what a ridiculous question, you saw the ring, what did you want to hear in response. meanwhile, yes, he repeatedly says that he is alone and positions himself as a faithful and very worthy guy, meanwhile I don’t cover the issue of my personal life in any way, but I must say that new young people have appeared at our work with whom I have friendly relations and it offends the boss. For example, just the other day we celebrated the birthday of a colleague and sat at lunch with the boss and the birthday boy in my office. A colleague, a guy with whom we usually play together at lunch, came after me, I tell him that I will come later. he left and then the boss blurted out - what is he? chasing after you? I answer, well, yes, maybe) I say we play together, the boss - where is it? I speak at work. he - what's in working time? I say, not at lunch (I think to myself he just came for me at lunch, what a ridiculous question again) and then the boss says - otherwise you suddenly break the work schedule (he knows that I never do this) I answer - I'm not breaking anything. and then he moves towards me, taps his finger on the table and says - otherwise look at me (all this with a smile and the feeling was that he did not mean the game at all). yes, I agree with you in theory that you should not do something directly first, but he probably thinks that asking again directly for the third time is already too intrusive. though I don't know what's going on in his head right now. By the way, during the entire period of our work together, even in the toughest quarrels, for example, if he doesn’t get through to me, he has a habit of calling my dad !!! I would like to add more important details:
1) at the moment of the strongest crisis in communication with the boss, I already wanted to quit or at least transfer to another department. There was a group in mind, the head of which was a woman who used to work in our department, but sooo little, because the head kicked her out himself. she is a good worker, conscientious, he just did not like him. Well, we became friends with her, especially when the boss began to harass me. I got together with her in a group, he found out about it and made a scandal to HER, they say there’s nothing to invite me, etc. I was shocked because she said that she left him as if she had been poured over ... (ugly word). meanwhile, he calmly asked me - what, are you going to leave, I say yes. he - you think it will be better there, I answer - of course. I was surprised that he did not quarrel with me, given that he usually yelled at me, was rude, said all sorts of rude things, and I resisted him as best I could, meanwhile insisting on my own. In general, he did not let me go to another department, signed the promotion for which I had been waiting for a long time, and then he also changed dramatically - after the new year he became better than he was at the very beginning of our acquaintance. drawing a parallel, I come to the conclusion that he fussed so much not only because I’m a good worker (after all, in the case of that woman it didn’t work), it’s clear that he undoubtedly likes me as a person, plus I can state 100% that I alone understand him perfectly and give him confidence. for me now that nightmare with our scandals seems unreal, as if I dreamed it. the contrast of behavior and attitude of this person to me is so great. That's why I leaned towards the version that he was simply turned away from me (his ex-girlfriend). Yes, he does not stick to me now in the full sense of the word, he would not allow himself such things at work in any case, especially not knowing how I would react. but he became very sensitive, better than at the very beginning, always helps me, fulfills some everyday wishes at work without words, we systematically communicate on work topics smoothly turning into life stories (his stories, I usually act as a listener and my life is unknown to him). once there was a curiosity - a hair hung down from him, blocking his eye, hanging down on his face, I stood next to him, near his table at which he sat, leaning towards him as we solved work issues. but this hair was obviously so superfluous that without a second thought I reached out to remove it (I thought the hair was not alive), when I reached out with my fingers to the hair, the boss, like a child, to whom my mother is reaching out, slightly screwed up my eyes, and I saw complete trust in my eyes. meanwhile, I pulled a hair, which unfortunately turned out to be alive, and this pinpoint pain brought us back to life, the boss twitched, turned to the computer, sort of buried himself in work and said a phrase confusing all the words in it (the meaning was, well, I don’t need to pull out my hair ). In general, he was embarrassed very clearly.

Natalia Mikhailova


The keeper

Good afternoon Ariel!
The easiest way to let a person know that you are interested in him is to be more active, take the initiative. In the end, offer to go somewhere together after work. You just need to pick the right moment. If it turns out that he is not interested in developing a relationship with you, he will immediately make it clear to you. You can also take a wait-and-see position, but since a lot of time has already passed, it can be assumed that there is a high probability that he will soon “turn sour” and is unlikely to start showing activity in your direction - no one will endlessly seek you until you are so inaccessible , sit in a high tower. So I'm leaning towards making an active attempt while he still has some interest in you. Wish you success!

Ariel

Thank you, Natalya Mikhailovna, for your reply. I would like to clarify such a thing: how, from the point of view of psychology, it is generally possible to explain his so suddenly changing behavior during the entire time of our communication. Thanks to.

Natalia Mikhailova


The keeper

There can be a lot of reasons for changing behavior, it will not work to guess. Behavior depends on emotions, and emotions, in turn, depend on what a particular situation means to a person. Another question is why you need to know this in advance, and not from the man himself as the primary source. Maybe you are waiting, if someone can confirm for sure that he is in love with you, then you will do something, and if you knew that he was not interested in you, then you would not waste time on him ?

Ariel

Good morning Natalia. You are partly right - of course it will not work to guess, it’s just that he has very contradictory actions, as if some kind of struggle within himself. After all, what's the point of not letting go of a person who annoys you and with whom every day is a scandal. But he did not let me go to another department. And the sharpness of the difference in attitude is very strange. Suddenly he became a monster (immediately after parting with his common-law wife) and just as suddenly white and fluffy. As for asking a man as a source, I will say this: The problem is that he is my boss and, unfortunately, we only have an exceptionally working environment and I undoubtedly observe subordination. Even if we allow ourselves to chat about anything outside of work, but I think you will understand me that I am not comfortable doing something in a work environment. My work is dear to me and I naturally would not want to make empty attempts, after which our relationship at work can become strained. He is a boss and a man - it is easier for him anyway, but he is not a fool, so he will not make a hundred and twenty-fifth attempt so that it becomes unsuccessful again. I want to let him know that if he makes a new attempt, it will not fail) We don’t have corporate parties and in this moment I have one hope for some joint business trip. Chat outside of work. But what is the way to indirectly push him to the next first step. How to indicate that now I am free and he is interesting. Give some kind of sign or say the right phrase, after which, if he is interested in me, he will continue to meet halfway? Thank you for your attention and advice.

Natalia Mikhailova


The keeper

Good evening Ariel! What do you think, what are the ways to let a man know that you are ready to try a relationship, and which of them can you embody in your particular situation?

Ariel

Natalya Mikhailovna, I wrote to you to hear an opinion from the outside, and on its basis to decide how best to act. Do you have any advice for me? Ariel

Good morning Natalia! To be honest, I don't know what options there are in my situation. Probably just have to wait. Time will tell. The only thing I think for some reason is that the knowledge that I no longer have a boyfriend can move him to the next action. Indeed, despite the fact that, as it is believed, many guys, on the contrary, begin to achieve stronger when they are rejected and there is an opponent. I don't think that's the situation here. After all, he is my boss, and twice in two years he has clarified what is happening with my personal life. Well, getting the same answer, he probably thinks that everything is serious with my young man. Therefore, it is very clear that he will not climb anymore. Meanwhile, during last month several times he quite lucidly said that he was alone. Perhaps it was said for me. meanwhile, I do not know in what context to tell him that I am alone. As cleverly as he is, I can’t do something. I never managed to say openly, but hints are all the same hints. And more often than not, guys are not wise in taking hints. Therefore, I need an idea on how to communicate my marital status in the most liberated way. Maybe from the category - ooh, you know how to cook, say, a potato casserole? Class, when I have a boyfriend, he will also have to be able to cook this dish. Or - you are well versed in raising children, you need to find yourself such a guy - so that he also understands. (in general, I'm just afraid that I won't be able to say this in a work environment). And if so, what is the only option - just wait until we find ourselves in a more comfortable environment, for example, on a business trip.

Hello! I'm Eleanor, a rather rare name) I study architecture, I seem to draw well.. I'm 19, and still behave like a little one..) This happened last year. I'm sitting on a couple and it comes to us very a nice guy) Very smiling and cute. But I did not notice this that year .. because I was in love with another and this guy was not interesting to me. This stranger's name was Misha. He sat next to me and I tried my best to move away from him. With each couple, he was more persistent, wrote poetry .. gave sweets, flowers .. But he was indifferent to me !!! And I walked around like a queen and handed out sweets to my friends. And we just had half a block of girls who loved Misha. But no matter how hard I tried, he followed me on my heels .. he just wrote to VK every second .. and every time I told him that he was not my type. And then he slowly backed away from me. It was even boring at times. I sat on the pair and looked at him sometimes, but he was already sitting far from me. After some time, he began to go to classes less often, and in the end he did not appear at all. I went to those where I was not .. And every time when he passed along the corridor, I looked at him .. and began to regret it. By the end of the year, I completely fell in love with him without a mind. He met in my opinion with 4 girls after that incident. I desperately wanted to surrender and confess to him, suddenly his feelings did not fade away. But he even deleted me from his friends .. (Categorically not wanting to communicate with me, even when I walked along the corridor, he saw me walking away. And so I went crazy in the end .. left the guy .. and began to pester Misha He answered me exactly the same as I did ..said that he was no longer interested in me and would rather die than kiss me.The army of my girlfriends persuading him did not help ..I recalled how he invited me to slow down when we had a party at us in the block .. I ran to the toilet, refusing. And at the last party during the delay, I stood in the middle of the hall and almost cried .. because he didn’t appear .. I don’t know what to do .. that feeling when you were taken away ..Tell me how to get it back, I'll go crazy.

Hello Eleanor! let's see what's going on:

here he is slowly lagging behind me. It was even boring at times.

every time he passed along the corridor, I looked at him .. and began to regret. By the end of the year, I completely fell in love with him without a mind.

so you fell in love OR started to miss and feel sorry for him?? why are you sorry that he stopped paying attention to you? why such confusion with the word "LOVE" - and what kind of relationship did you have at that time? did you love your young man? why then continued to be in a relationship? to what extent have you determined what love is and WHAT kind of partner do you want to see next to you?

left the guy .. and started to pester Misha. He answered me in the same way as I did .. he said that he was no longer interested in me and it would be better to die than to kiss me. The army of my girlfriends persuading him did not help .. I remembered how he invited me to slow down when we had a party in our block .. I ran to the toilet, refusing.

wait - does he need a relationship? Or did he have your recognition and attention to him? because now, he rejects you - earlier you could not reciprocate, you were in a relationship with another and told him about it, he distanced himself and HERE THEN ALREADY YOU Began to show attention to him (as if you are attracted to relationships in which there is pain and suffering ), BUT HE doesn't need anything.

how to get it back, i'll go crazy.

he is not a thing - he has his own feelings and his choice SHOULD ALSO be accepted!

and you should not idealize him and scroll through the memories in your head - but take a closer look at him, what kind of person is he? what is normal for him? how does he communicate with you and make a choice - do you need such a partner? while you are killing yourself only because of your dreams and illusions, BUT you did NOT have relationships and it is not known what they would be - you are now suffering from something that SIMPLY IS NOT - and what did you miss in the end? Have you missed out on a really important relationship while chasing the ghost of love and falling in love? You have a lot to figure out - and what does LOVE mean to you? what relationship are you looking forward to? and learn to see what is, and not what you want to see!

Eleonora, if you decide to figure out what is happening - you can feel free to contact me - call - I will be glad to help you!

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

One brutal story

"... Once she opened up that as a child, a drunk man stuck to her at the station. So she hit his knee with a boot and ran away. She was proud that she always knew how to besiege guys who made obscene proposals. Or joyfully shared with her friends how she "took away" another pick-up artist with some tricky phrase. How beautifully she upset annoying suitors, however, sometimes accepting gifts and declarations of love. Or how she refused to go on a date, having learned that the gentleman was deceiving about the presence of his car ...

(You are reading an excerpt from the story of one client, published with his permission)

... Yes, from childhood she was distinguished by beauty and some kind of otherworldliness, which attracted strong attention of the opposite sex to her. Numerous attempts by guys to start a relationship with her were broken by the fact that she "does not exchange for trifles."

I made the same attempts. It was insulting and it is not clear why she refused. I don’t understand what goes on in the head of girls up to a certain age. But when they reach that age when "it's time", they look around and ping those guys who were previously rejected. So she began by sending holiday greetings and funny pictures in messenger.

Perhaps I am too vindictive and rejoice in the misfortune of another person? I did not think that I was so malevolent, but I was sincerely delighted when I noticed her interest. I have not thought about it for a long time and lived my own business. Didn't even remember. It turned out that I still had a strong resentment for her long-standing refusal to start a relationship. And I decided to play with her. Still, sometimes there is universal justice when people have to experience the same thing that they caused others. She has to suffer..."

The letter is long, I will say it briefly. Further, he describes how he reassured the girl with vague phrases. Somewhere not finishing, somewhere ambiguously assuring that everything will be fine, somewhere presenting himself in a favorable light and talking about a good attitude towards her. He was in no hurry with meetings and fed her with the phrases: "Let's see!", "Let me think!", "Be sure to see you!" Now she (like he himself had once) thought about him almost all the time. Now she (like he himself once) took the initiative and once could not stand it, she herself started a conversation about what she wanted to be with him. The story isn't over yet. So far, he has responded evasively. The guy has not yet been satisfied and plans to involve her as much as possible in dreams of a future relationship, and then he will tell her everything he thinks about girls who can arrogantly take the attention of guys, but have not learned something important, without which it is impossible to build a warm relationship .